by Anna Bloom
I glanced over to Nana where Daisy was cuddled with her head on her lap. Nana had got to Greystone before Ollie had even left. It was the only way he’d agree to go back to London; he didn’t want me by myself.
Funny that talking to him now, he sounded the lonelier out of the two of us.
“I’m guessing you are no closer to making an agreement on our engagement?”
Right now, the royal engagement was old news. Rumours stated that the people would never again back a royal wedding. Not ever, not even if hell froze over. It didn’t matter that John had been in the wrong; Oliver seemed to come off worst in most situations.
“No.”
“It’s okay.” I shrugged. What else was there to say?
Right now, I didn’t know if I wanted to marry a man who lived in so much controlled secrecy. Ollie I’d marry in a heartbeat down the local registry office and we’d have sausages and mash afterwards and everything would be perfect.
But if I had to stand up in front of everyone and say that I agreed with the way things were done—I didn’t know if I could do that.
“You aren’t changing your mind, are you?” His question rang with tightness. “I mean, you thought your upbringing was fucked up.”
“Ollie, your family are lovely. I’ve said this before and I will keep saying it, but the people don’t understand you royals because everything is so secret. Right now, all they see is secrets.”
“Maybe that’s all we’ve got.”
“It’s not. Stop being dramatic.”
“Oh, I’m dramatic am I now?”
I grinned and I could almost hear his smile down the line. “I’ve got to go,” he whispered.
“Mind out for those pitch forks.”
“I will. I’m fast. It’s all that jogging I do, and there you were telling me it was a waste of time.”
I chuckled and we lapsed into silence again.
“I love you, Princess Leia.”
“I love you too.”
When we hung up, I turned to find Nana watching me.
“What?”
“You know, you make a very humble princess.”
“Yeah, right.”
“You’ll do good for that family, Leia. You’ve just got to wait for the time to be right.”
I smiled and nodded, but really I thought she hinged on the desperate side of optimistic.
I could wait forever for Ollie. I just didn’t think some things would happen no matter how much you waited for them.
A couple of nights later, I blinked into darkness, not sure what woke me from my tangled dream. “Daisy?” I hissed.
The bed dipped and fingers sought mine. “It’s me.”
The shape of him moved in the shadows. “What are you doing here?”
I ached at the sound of his voice, in painful and truly deep, torturous ways.
“I couldn’t stay away.”
I reached for him, my free hand slipping around his neck into the silky strands of his hair.
His own free hand lifted to my face and then brushed along my exposed collarbone. I shivered as I always did at the touch. It spoke straight to my soul, louder and clearer than any words he could say.
When his mouth met mine, it teased with urgency and desire. His tongue pushed against mine, demanding my response as his fingers knotted into my hair and he tilted my face upwards.
“I can’t breathe without you, Leia.” He whispered his words against my throat as he trailed kisses along my neck. “And I don’t want to. I can’t fight the fight anymore if it means you and I are in different places.”
“It’s only been a few days.” I shuddered at his touch though; the grip of his fingers on my shoulders.
“Five. It’s New Year’s Eve and I won’t start the next year without you at my side.”
I shivered uncontrollably as he grasped me tight and made me his own in the only way he knew how. I knew the palace wouldn’t be announcing our engagement tomorrow.
It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered apart from me and him.
Our breaths exhaling, our chests rising, fingers sliding. Everything of both of us within the moment.
When the wounds of our separation had healed and he held me tucked tight into his arms, he kissed the top of my head. “Happy New Year, my love.”
Reaching up, I kissed the edge of his jaw. “And you.” I kissed his stubble again for good measure.
“What’s your resolution?” God, I loved the way his skin pressed against mine, like the heat from him could warm me through to the marrow of my bones.
“That I will always stand by your side.” I said it with a ring of promise.
He turned slightly, pulling me in tight so our noses touched and breaths mingled. “I want to step down. I’m not leaving my mum and dad; I’m always going to be their son. But I want to step out of succession and take my life into the background where I can live with you and Daisy. I don’t want to live a lie anymore.”
I nodded, tightening my arms around him.
“Assuming you’ll still have me if I’m no longer the future king.” His breath brushed against my skin. “Can you love me if I’m only a man, with just his heart to give?”
“Ollie, I will love you even more.” I kissed his lips, tasting the warmth radiating from him. “I know it’s a hard decision, but you are the only one who can make it.”
“It’s just never going to change. It will be decades of the same thing and by the time I get to the throne it will be impossible for me to do anything about it. I’d hate that, to sit there in St Mark’s and be so separate from the people outside the palace walls.”
I watched his face. “I’ve ruined you, haven’t I?”
“I told you before. You’ve ruined me for princely duties, but not because you laugh at them, or you think we are silly poncy people, but rather because you make me want to do them better, and right now I can’t see a way to do that.”
I snuggled into his chest. “Your dad will be very disappointed.”
He shrugged and it rocked my body. “I’m going to speak to Dad when I get back. I’m sure there are all sorts of procedures in place, and paperwork to fill in.”
I chuckled a little. “I’ll hold your hand.”
“Good. Let’s sleep, I want to get up before Daisy to surprise her.”
“She’s missed you.”
“I’ve missed her, and you, and everything about us.” He paused for a moment. “And honestly I can’t wait to just get away and live our lives. I thought we could do this, could be us and live in private, but it’s not just the press who won’t allow it, it’s the palace too. I see that now. So many rules, so many barriers.”
“So many Marcus Cartwrights.”
He laughed and pulled me in. “I love you.”
“And I love you.”
When the phone rang, I rolled, assuming Ollie had set an alarm to get up before Daisy, or even worse to go for a ghastly run.
I bashed him with my hand and then tried to slip back into my dream. There’d been unicorns. Honestly, it had been top drawer dreaming.
The dream had gone though, but I slipped back into a dark realm of I don’t want to get the hell out this warm bed.
“John?” Ollie’s loud shout jolted me back into the room. Still pitch black it couldn’t have been anywhere near dawn.
He jumped from the bed, grabbing at his jeans he’d left abandoned on the bed. When he didn’t take his phone away from his ear to button his shirt, his face a torn and desperate mask, my stomach dropped to the bottom of my feet. All sensations of comfort disappeared.
Something had happened. The pinch in my stomach told me so.
“I’ll be there in half an hour. No press statements from Marcus until I’m there. Not one.” He hung up the phone and shoved it in his jeans. When his hand lifted to mine, I winced in a breath of air that didn’t fill my lungs. Everything inside me echoed with emptiness.
“Ollie?”
“There’s been an accident.”
“What? Wh
at do you mean an accident?”
He shook his head and steeled his expression. “No. Sorry, that’s not true. Bella… It’s Bella, she’s overdosed.”
“Oh, oh fuck, shit.” I leapt from the bed and scrambled for my clothes I’d left folded on the chair last night. “Let’s go. I’ll text Nana so she knows where we are when she wakes up.”
“I’ll brief security.” He pulled out his phone and dialled a number. A ghost of a smile flickered across his face. “Thank you. We will be down in a moment.” He hung up and opened the door.
“Bill?”
“He’s already up. There’s press coverage on television already.”
“What, how?” I stumbled after him down the stairs.
“Because the damn press are camped outside the palace gates and the ambulance had to go in and out.”
I reached for his arm. “It will be okay, Ollie.” I lied though. I of all people knew that things like this didn’t always turn out well.
“What the fuck was she thinking?” He pushed his hand through his bed hair and made it stand at all angles.
To my surprise Nana stood in the kitchen making Bill a cup of coffee. Bill looked tired, but then so did Ollie. They must have arrived back late last night and it wasn’t yet dawn.
Nana stepped up and wrapped her arms tight around me. “I got up for a pee and saw the news headline on my phone. It said emergency vehicles had been seen in St Mark’s?”
“Is that all they’ve said so far?” Ollie barked.
“Yes.”
His phone rang again and his skin drained to an ashen grey. “John?”
My heart pounded.
Ollie’s lips tightened. “I’m leaving now.”
I turned for Nana. “Look after Daisy, and please don’t let her see the television.” I flicked my glance at Bill. “Are the gates clear?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
I pulled Ollie towards the hallway from the kitchen, trying to get him to move. He weighed like a stone boulder that had been in position since the beginning of time.
Bill opened the back doors of the car and I pushed Oliver inside and then followed him in. The car seemed strangely calm.
“Ollie. Please…” I caught his face in my hands and made him turn to meet my gaze. He blinked slowly.
“She’s not going to make it.”
“We’ve been here before, just a few months ago with Daisy, and it went okay. Everything will be okay.”
He shook his head and then the prince began to cry in my arms as the car moved through the gates of Greystone and we went back to London together; only this time I had no idea what we would find.
Twenty-Six
Cameras and reporters surrounded the entrance to St Mary’s hospital. I wondered why the ambulance had come here. I didn’t think it was the closest, but now really wasn’t the time to ask inane questions. Now was the time to grip hands and just hope for the best, to pray to whatever it was, or whoever it was that had kept Daisy alive that they would do the same to Bella.
In my heart a lead weight ached deep down. In my head, the memories of Christmas Eve and the way she’d looked under the blanket on the sofa while her brothers dressed the Christmas tree, ran around and around in my head.
I should have spoken up.
Should have expressed my concerns.
I’d been here before. Long ago when my mother faded from life and I’d all but given up the care and concern to worry about whether she killed herself or not.
I pressed Ollie’s hands in mine.
It would be okay. It would have to be.
The sun still hadn’t risen as we were ushered through strangely quiet corridors. I looked about in surprise; an accident and emergency room would never be this quiet on New Year’s Day.
“It’s a private ward,” Ollie muttered under his breath when he saw me glancing with interest.
The staff that were present kept their gazes discreetly turned away as we passed, no one making eye contact.
As we neared the end of a corridor the long-legged shape of Freya unfolded herself from a high wing-backed chair. She swallowed, her skin pale.
“Your Highness.” She bobbed him a small curtsey, her voice tight. She didn’t have on her standard uniform of shift dress and high heels. She wore navy trousers and a baggy chunky knit jumper. I don’t even know why I noticed what she wore, maybe it was anything to distract me from the expression on Ollie’s face as he met his personal advisor and she took his hands after her formal greeting. “I’ve kept everything quiet for now. The team are fielding calls thick and fast from news agencies all over the world. The simple request is they know who was brought in. Marcus wants to tell them. He and John came to blows not long ago, and Marcus has gone to lick his wounds somewhere.”
“Freya.” His tone echoed like rock hitting the earth. “I don’t give a shit.”
“I know, I know. I just need you to know what’s going on.”
He shook his head and she stepped out of his way as he reached for the handle on the door. He turned, his eyes beseeching me. “Leia.”
“Ollie.” Tears trickled down my face. “I think you should go in there by yourself, this is your family.”
He shook his head and reached for my hand, holding it out expectantly until I placed my fingers inside his.
I’ve seen some shit in my time. Most of it with my mother. Too many trips to the hospital, too many falls, slips, beatings. When I was fourteen too many collections from the police station when she’d tried to find ways to score.
Too many memories I never allowed to see the light of day.
Because they hurt. Deep and desperate, I had to contain them otherwise I knew they’d destroy me.
All of those memories, all of those moments of despair couldn’t prepare me for this.
Bella lay on the bed, tubes in her veins and down her mouth. Her chest rose, but even from my spot at the door it had a mechanical feel to it, as though machines spiked the air with electrical charges that could make her move.
Her long dark hair, so similar to Ollie’s in texture and colour, fanned out beneath her across the white bedding.
Bella wasn’t there anymore. I knew it.
The Queen turned, her face crumpling at the sight of Ollie who stepped up and wrapped his arms right around her.
“I don’t understand,” the King was saying to the doctor. A doctor who right now looked like he wished he’d never turned up for his shift.
“Isabella’s body shut down due to a swelling of her brain caused by severe dehydration. Her heart couldn’t take the impact of the drugs in her system, there was too much blood pumping too fast.”
“I thought this was a party drug. It’s why…” The King trailed off.
“It is.” The doctor shifted. “But it does go wrong. The body can only take a small amount of abuse at this level.”
“But what about other addicts out there?” The King flickered red eyes in my direction. “It’s not like this.”
I swallowed and then stepped up. I forced myself to place a hand on his arm. “Every drug is different. It’s why they are so hard to defeat, but this one, ecstasy, is cut with different things. It makes unquantifiable. Bella wouldn’t have known whether the tablet she took contained cocaine, amphetamines, anything really. She would have just wanted the high, the feeling of belonging that it gives.”
The King shuddered and the doctor shifted again from foot to foot, but then he lowered his voice, keeping it calm and steady but very clear. “You need to understand that Isabella is brain dead. She won’t wake up again. The machine is the only thing keeping her breathing.”
The Queen sobbed loudly, loud enough it slashed into my heart, a deep and dicing cut I’d remember until the day I died. Ollie tightened his arms around her, his gaze focused on my face as though I were a lifeboat in the sea of crazy around him.
“You want me to tell you to turn the machine off?” The King’s voice rose, echoi
ng around the small room.
John hadn’t moved. He sat at the end of the bed, his hand on her foot, his thumb rubbing small circles around the bone in her ankle.
The doctor bowed his head. “I’ll give you some time.”
The door clicked as he left and silence descended in deafening waves. “I don’t understand how any of this has happened.” The King broke the wall of wordlessness, his voice dry and cracked. His gaze drilled into me. “None of this happened before you came along.”
“Dad! That’s rubbish, and you know it.” It wasn’t Ollie who spoke, it was John, his hand still rubbed circles on Bella’s foot. “This epitomises everything we are.”
“Is she really going to die, Ollie?” The Queen shook as she looked up at her son and he swallowed hard, tears dripping down his face.
He nodded just once and I wanted to die myself. I’d take anything for him to be happy, for none of this to take place. I’d go back to that flat seven years ago and starve all over again if it would just stop this moment from happening to him.
Making a decision I felt down in my gut, I stepped away from the King and went to Ollie. I gripped his hands in my face, making the saltwater of his eyes tip faster. “I’m going to step outside.” I kissed his mouth, both our tears washing together so they slipped into our lips where they met.
“Leia, I need you.”
I smiled and brushed at my face. “I know you do. But I’m not needed here.”
With another kiss to his cheek I pushed away, then I leant down and pulled the Queen tight into my arms, squeezing her as hard as I could.
When I walked outside it was to find Freya with tears on her face, her professional facade bombed out of existence by one princess and a tablet she should never have taken.
I sat on the seat next to her and grabbed her hand. She squeezed my fingers and then we waited.
Five hours later we sat in a side room. Freya had pulled herself together and Marcus had returned. I think he looked almost relieved to see me. Maybe he just needed someone to blame like the King did.
None of this fell onto my shoulders though. I knew that, and I wouldn’t let his bushy brows make me believe anything different. I’d tried to get them help, but instead they’d pretended that Bella had flu.
