by Anna Bloom
Everything was a pretence with the Beauforts and now one of them wouldn’t exist anymore.
Every time footsteps fell against the floor on the other side of the door the three of us stiffened, Every minute that had passed that I didn’t hold Ollie’s hand hurt me down to the core.
“What was it like when your mother died?” Freya asked. “I’ve seen what they’ve written in the press, but I guess it’s not the sort of question one asks.”
“I told Bella about it.” I shuddered as I remembered us only a couple of weeks ago at Bernie’s. She’d been hungover, or at least I thought she had been. That same night she’d taken too much at the Russian State dinner and I’d realised that what I thought was champagne and probably something like cocaine was actually Russian roulette with a party drug.
That’s the thing with ecstasy. Partygoers considered it an easy high, so much better than snorting something, or injecting—if you just popped a pill you weren’t a drug taker, you were just in search of a party. But there was no way to determine what was actually in the pill you held in your hand.
I knew this. I’d seen it at Bright Futures. Scared twenty-somethings coming down from scary highs and turning up at our offices not sure if what they’d experienced had been right or not. And the answer was always no. There was no good high. Not ever.
“I guess for me it was different. My mum never cared for me, and the worse she got the less I even wanted her to be alive.” I paused. “I know that must sound awful.” I shrugged. “But it’s the truth. I came home from school one day, my head was full of worries. I’d done the pregnancy test, I couldn’t even think straight, and there she was in the kitchen.” I closed my eyes and remembered how it had felt. That almost sag of relief, waiting for that dart of regret or grief but finding myself strangely empty. “And then I thought to myself, well there’s a surprise, she’s never helped me with anything else, why would she help me now? I called the police and sat at the kitchen table while I waited for them to arrive.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears filled Freya’s eyes again.
I shot her a small smile. “Don’t feel sorry for me. It was nothing like this.”
Marcus cleared his throat. Such a fucking arsehole. “The press won’t hold back much longer. A statement needs to be made before news leaks and we can’t control it.”
“Marcus!” I almost exploded out of my seat, pushing my face up against his. “Will you just shut the fuck up?”
He spluttered but I refused to back down.
“As the King’s advisor, you should be worried about him, not the public.”
“It’s as the King’s advisor that I do worry about the public.” He took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes.
“Then for God’s sake, man, just let this be. There is no good that comes from this. None. Let them be and everything else will just have to happen as it does.”
The door handle squeaked and I sprung away from Marcus.
Watching Ollie walk in split me straight in half. Kill me now.
His back straight like a rod, his face set in a mask, he ignored Freya and Marcus and held his hand for me. Silently I stepped to his side and we walked from the room straight down the corridors and into a car that waited for us by the back entrance.
We sat in silence the whole way through London, through the crowds of waiting press and into the palace gates. Bill drove the car straight to Fenmore and Ollie unfolded himself from the car and walked straight up the path to the cottage, never once breaking stride.
Then and only then, once the door was shut and we were in our home did his facade crumble. He leant against the door, his body shaking as I pressed myself into him trying to hold up the weight of the man I loved. We clung to one another, neither of us speaking until his shudders slowed to trembles and his lips pressed into the sticky skin at the base of my neck.
“Thank you.” Another kiss. I wanted to slide into it and never surface again. Just wanted us to always be a kiss that never ended, so we’d never have to talk, never have to say anything that would hurt, see things that would hurt.
“I love you. I love you.” I said the words over and over again, holding him as tightly as I could.
“Leia, are you okay?” Janine whispered down the phone.
“No. Okay isn’t a word I’d use.”
“I’ve got Molly here; everyone came over when we heard the news.”
“Janine, I can’t.”
A pause stretched between us and I held in a choked sob. Red tape. Red fucking tape everywhere.
“The statement said she’d just died.”
“No details are being released.”
Another beat of silence.
“How’s Oliver?” Any other time I’d have loved the fact my once boss and frequent life saver now called Prince Oliver by his first name. So much had changed in so little time.
Now everything had changed forever.
“Not good.” My throat tightened.
There was a rustling sound and then Molly spoke. “Babes, I feel you need me.”
I snorted a laugh, but it was mainly snot. “I do, but not now. The palace is on lock down. Daisy is coming back with Nana because Ollie wouldn’t have it any other way but that’s it. No one in or out.”
“Do you need to talk? I hate not knowing what’s going on. I don’t know what to say.”
“I can’t.”
I could hear Molly smacking her lips together and could visualise her expression all too easily as she thought of something to say.
“I’ll call you. I promise.”
“Okay.”
I hung up, unable to say another word and put my phone back in my pocket. With a deep breath I turned into the library. The day didn’t want to end, it just stretched forever and ever and ever.
The room hung in silence. John sat with a whisky in a tumbler, his shoulder every so often shaking.
The King sat with his back to the room, his face towards the window with the curtains drawn shut. Every curtain in the entire palace had been drawn. The outside world no longer existed.
I sat back at the other side of the Queen and picked up her hand. “That was Janine, she sends her condolences.”
The Queen looked at me, without actually seeing me at all. “That’s kind of her…” she drifted off a bit. “I should have listened to her. She told me to send her for help.”
John looked over. “Mum, she committed suicide. It wasn’t an accident.”
The King didn’t even flinch but I sensed Ollie slump next to me.
“Are we all going to ignore that too? We’ve all seen the toxicology report. It had nothing to do with what Bella had taken; it was how much.”
Silence, again.
“Maybe we should all start thinking about the fact Bella’s last week of her life was spent listening to us all argue, dragging our shit through the dirt like any old riff raff. Oh my god, she actually didn’t want to exist in a world where we carried on with the same shit we’ve put up with our entire lives.”
“John, that’s enough.” Ollie’s voice rang with control.
“Oh please, brother, don’t you dare tell me you are happy for us to sit here, closed up like this. You’re the one who started this; you’re the one who told us we should be different.”
“I made a mistake.”
John leapt from his chair, his finger stabbing in Ollie’s direction. “I knew you wouldn’t see it through.” He turned wild eyes for me. “I told you, Leia. I told you. He will always choose the family way.”
I cringed and I wanted to say otherwise but I couldn’t. Since we’d left Fenmore, Ollie had morphed into the man I’d first met. His face bore a calm mask, his emotions tightly under control.
The man who’d driven to find me in the night, to tell me he no longer wanted to live like this, well, I’d lost him in the corridor of St Mary’s hospital.
John stormed from the room and the Queen sniffed.
“Margi, let’s get some sleep.” The King stood
from staring at the closed curtains and came to the sofa where we sat. She patted my hand and stood, shaky on her legs. She turned to me as she gripped his hand.
“This is like a terrible nightmare, Leia.”
I nodded but what could I say. “I’m sorry, Your Majesty.”
Once they’d left, we lapsed back into that deathly silence. Eventually I got up and peeped out of the curtains. It was dark and grim, heavy rain clouds hung over London. I peered a little closer, my breath catching in my throat. Through the gates I could see a flicker of a light, and then another.
“Ollie.” I waved my hand for him and for a brief moment his stiff mask slipped as his tortured gaze swept over me. “Come and look.”
He stepped to my side and I held in my breath as he brushed against me. I wanted to hold him, but it didn’t seem like he wanted to be held right now.
“It’s the people. Look, they’ve come to the palace.”
Beyond the gates, lit by the street lamps and the candles they were holding, members of the public huddled together against the biting wind.
His fingers sought mine. “My sister is dead, Leia.”
I nodded and swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Their princess is dead too.”
More candles illuminated the sky. The glow of faces, too far away to see their expressions.
“Ollie. You have to get the truth out. Even if it’s the last thing you do. Don’t let her death be in vain. Be honest in your grief.”
“The way you were honest with me when you didn’t tell me your mother died of a heroin overdose?”
The air gushed out of my lungs. “What would have been the point? You knew anyway, when I told the doctor at the hospital with Daisy, I could see it in your eyes. You didn’t look even slightly surprised.”
Anger mingled with my grief, creating an overwhelming volcano that wanted to explode.
“Of course I knew.”
“But you loved me anyway.”
His face dropped. “I’m sorry. Yes, I loved you anyway. I can’t not love you.”
“Let the people love you then, Ollie. Get the truth out there, show them the humanity of the crown, and they will. And do you know what?” I held in a cry. “Maybe by doing that you’ll achieve more than you’ll ever have done by taking on Bright Futures that day. Maybe this time you will actually get to save a life. Some girl, somewhere, might think of Bella when she goes to take a pill, and maybe just maybe she’ll throw it away instead of taking it.”
His burning gaze rested on my face and then his face fell, the mask he’d worn for hours slipped away and the man I knew better than anything stood back before me again.
“I want to go home.”
I nodded. “Let’s go home.”
I pulled the curtain back over the window, hoping that the people would be willing to wait the night so that tomorrow maybe a new day could find us all.
Twenty-Seven
“So Bella is gone?” Daisy’s eyes were wide and blue. Nana watched me carefully from the other sofa. “She won’t be back?”
I shook my head. “No, sweetie. Do you remember the story I told you about my mummy and what happened to her? It’s kind of the same but not quite.”
“Daddy must be so sad.”
“Oh, sweetie, he really is. He’s gone up to the palace now to see his mummy and daddy, but I wanted to wait with you so I could tell you myself. Everyone is very sad today. Bella not being here, none of us expected it.”
Daisy frowned. “What does it mean when you expect something?”
I paused and considered this. “I guess it’s when you know something is coming so you are prepared for it.”
“You always say people expect things from Daddy.”
I nodded. “And they do. You see they expect certain things from him. They want him to be a certain way, to do certain things, and he has to meet those expectations.”
She nodded. “But no one expected Bella to die?”
“No, that’s what you call the unexpected and it can happen at any time.” I gathered her tight into my arms, breathing in the scent of her hair. I remembered all too well the day it had nearly happened to me.
“Pops, he must be so sad too. He won’t want to ride horses with me today.”
I thought of the man frozen in stone who sat staring at the closed curtains yesterday. “I don’t think so.”
“Shall I come and give him a hug? He likes my cuddles; he says I smell like strawberry jam.”
“You do smell like strawberry jam.” Once again, I filled my head with her scent. “But I’m going to leave you here with Nana and if I can I’ll call you up to the palace later.” I knew it wouldn’t happen, but I couldn’t deal with the whole truth.
I had no idea what the palace would be like today.
Part of me wanted to run and hide and never find out, but then I looked at those four diamonds that had started the week of controversy that ended in tragedy and I knew I had to go up there.
I kissed Daisy’s head and stood from the sofa. Vanessa lingered in the doorway to the bedroom. I guess I wouldn’t be passing her along to Bella now. The thought threatened to pull me away.
In my life I’d seen some shit. In those blasted flats. At Bright Futures. Even in King’s hospital when I thought I’d lost Daisy.
The thought of not seeing Bella again, it pulled down deep in my chest like a firebird had lost its wings one too many times and now sat in a cage it could no longer escape.
But then Bella hadn’t been able to escape. For one minute she’d not been able to face the future she’d been given, and she’d acted on it. No note. No explanation.
Just gone.
I glanced at Daisy. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let that life come anywhere near my daughter.
“I’ve left you a choice of outfits. I believe there will be visitors today. The Prime Minister is on his way with the leader of the opposition to give their condolences to the King.” Vanessa waved at the bed and then left me to it.
Jesus, did they need to come today? Couldn’t they send flowers and a card?
“Okay.” I said to the closed door. “Okay.”
Raised voices wafted down the hallway. Dixon walked at my side, his face grey, but his expression neutral. “How long have they been shouting?”
“Since about the time His Royal Highness Prince Oliver arrived.” Dixon’s thoughts didn’t show on his face.
“Oh.” I stopped at the library door. “Dixon?”
“Yes, Ma’am?”
“Why do the family always use this room? This whole palace, all these rooms to choose from, but this is the one they use the most.”
He hesitated. “It’s the warmest.” For a moment he looked like he wouldn’t say anything else. “And when the children were younger it was the nearest to the nursery.”
I nodded but his words just made me ache all over again.
“Dad! You have to come out there with me. The people need you.”
“No.”
The King sat in the same spot he’d done the day before, except this time instead of the curtains being closed, Ollie held them open and he gestured widely outside. I gasped at the view. From the gates, all the way down The Mall, a sea of people gathered.
Great big ugly tears rolled down my face.
Just days ago, rumours had said the people no longer wanted a monarchy; not one that lied or cheated, or paid for secrets, but look at them now.
The people gave a powerful message.
“Your Majesty.” I dropped to my knees in front of the King. “Your people. They will want you to say something. You don’t have to go out there, but just speak. Send them a message of thanks for their support. Tell them that you know they are there, please.”
I realised then what I did. I begged for the monarchy on my hands and knees. Me, the woman who’d spent a lifetime resenting those in power.
“Please.” I lifted his hand in mine, urging him to meet my gaze. “For Oliver. Please.”
; His brown gaze lifted to mine. “I told you you’d have to be strong enough,” he murmured, just low enough for me to hear before then raising his defiant gaze to Ollie. “No.”
Oliver brushed past us, storming from the room just as John walked in. “Why are Bella’s staff still here? Why haven’t the police come to interview them to find out what bastard gave her the tablets?” he asked.
“No police.” The King spoke clearer now.
“Dad!” John glanced around. “Where has Oliver gone?”
I shrugged, but King Henry met his younger son’s furious gaze. “He’ll be doing what he’s told. As he’s been trained to do.”
My stomach plummeted and I stood from the floor. What the fuck was I begging for? What was I fighting for when these people didn’t want to help themselves?
“Leave me,” the King snapped and John and I both looked at one another. Silently, we filed out of the room and stood in the hallway. Dixon had miraculously disappeared again.
“Have you seen your mum?” I asked. John would probably go down in history as the most frustrating person I knew. I wanted to hate him in so many ways, but I couldn’t quite make myself do it, not anymore.
“She’s in Bella’s room. She won’t come out.”
I pointed to the floor above. “Up there?”
“You won’t be able to miss it.”
John kind of hung there, not knowing what to do. With a shrug he returned for the battle room next door where the hum of voices came from. He opened the door and I could see the slim shape of Freya stood by the window. Marcus was at the large oval table, rubbing at his eyes.
I walked along the corridor and went up the plush red stairs, turned the corner and then walked back along the corridor above the path I’d walked below. Bella’s room must have given her an amazing view of London. I knew which room had been hers, flowers stood outside the door. I knew nothing had been brought in, so these must have been from the staff. I knocked and waited, but when there wasn’t an answer I just went in anyway. I figured people were no longer surprised when I broke protocol.
