Saint Heist

by W H Lock

  "The woman who plucked me from my family, my mother is a handmaiden to Queen Mab of Underhill. I was probably replaced by a changeling when I was very young. My mother would never have known I was gone. Most changelings die in a year or so of being replaced, so she likely thinks her son died of natural causes some time ago."

  "That's horrible!"

  Quinn nodded and said, "And knowing my mother, she likely met up with my birth mother and extracted a promise of a return of a favor from her. And that favor would have been turning over me, even if my birth mother wasn't aware of it. It's the sort of how the Fae work."

  "Wow. So...have you tried to locate your parents now? Maybe see them from afar or something?"

  Quinn shook his head and took a deep breath. It was the sort of deep breath meant to contain emotion more than anything else.

  "Why not, Quinn? I could help you! We could maybe meet them on the sly. It would be wonderful! You could get to know your parents as an adult. I have access to resources like you wouldn't imagine! If anyone can find you--"

  Quinn stopped her with a hand on her leg.

  He shook his head and said, "look, Underhill is only loosely connected to Time."

  Gwen looked at him in confusion.

  "In the stories, when someone goes into Underhill to deal with the Fae, they don't come out at the same time. A few minutes in Underhill is like a few hours out here. And that's if the Fae don't feel like messing with the mortal and move time even more. I lived there for over a decade of my time. I could have been born fifty, sixty, or even a hundred years ago. Or maybe I haven't been born yet, and my parents haven't even met each other yet? What if I Marty McFly myself? That's exactly the kind of sense of humor my mother has," Quinn said, not bothering to hide the bitterness in his voice. “She could have taken me with the great joke being to let me go just in time to mess up my own birth. That’s the kind of people the Fae really are.

  "Wow," repeated Gwen. "And I thought I had it rough in a Catholic school and my mother."

  Quinn didn't say anything but went back to looking out the setting sun. "I learned magic by watching what they did and what little bits my Uncle Robin would teach me. It seemed like every night some human would and ask Queen Mab a favor. It never went well for them."

  "Who's Mab? Is that like Titania? I thought Titania was the elf queen."

  "Hah! Titania wishes she was the Fae High Queen. No, she's the queen of the heavens court. There are a bunch of Fae courts. Mab is the Queen of the Dream court. Also, weirdly, herpes."

  "What?" Gwen pulled a sheet up to her chin out of reflex.

  Quinn nodded in sympathy. "Yeah, she used to visit sleeping mortals, and if she didn't like their breath, she'd give them herpes."

  "That's disgusting," Gwen said.

  "You're telling me? Although, if you want a great reason to brush your teeth as a kid, Mab is a great one."

  "Wait, isn't Mab the one that's really tiny? Like only a few inches tall?" Gwen held her thumb and forefinger up a few inches apart.

  Quinn laughed and said, "No. That's just a rumor her sister Maeve told a bunch of playwrights back in the day. She's normal height. Or at least she looked that way."

  Gwen laughed and unclenched her body from the idea of herpes. She snuggled back in close to Quinn. "What else? I want to know more. Like how did you get back here?"

  A deep shadow passed behind Quinn's eyes, and his smile froze. Then the 10,000 mega-watt smile was back at full brilliance. "That's...well, if I told you that then I'd lose all my mystery, wouldn't I?" And suddenly the smiling and laughing blue eyes were back. "But what about you? Why the skull? I mean, it's kinda weird."

  Gwen pulled back a little and said, "I can't really, I mean, I can't talk about it. But when I'm done, I'm going to save the world."

  "Wow, big goals."

  “You don’t have to believe me.” She shrugged and looked down at her hand, "Not bad for a girl who used to sneak out of her dorm room on Thursday nights using a wimple I stole from the Sister's laundry." She looked back up at Quinn with a grin.

  "What?!? What's a wimple?" Despite not knowing what a wimple was, Quinn couldn't help himself but laugh. “That’s a fun word. Wimple.”

  Gwen laughed with him and then said, "It's the headdress and chin thing Nuns wear. My roommate and I would volunteer to work in the Convent's laundry. Then we'd steal one for each of us, and on Thursday nights to go out."

  Quinn laughed harder and propped his head upon his hand. "That's amazing," he said. "You dressed up as nuns go get out of the Catholic school. Why Thursdays and where did you go?"

  Gwen looked embarrassed but said, "Well, we went on Thursdays because it was ladies night at the bar not too far from the college."

  "Wow, ladies night. That's pretty bold."

  "Oh, I assure you it's because we had no idea what that really meant. Once we got that figured out, we just went to the library and read romance books."

  "Oh, that's even more charming," Quinn said. "What did you think ladies night was?"

  "I don't know! Like maybe the bar was only open to women, and they would all sit in a circle to talk about their favorite book or something. It sure wasn't a bunch of horny dudes waiting around to buy everyone a cheap watered down drinks!"

  Quinn kept laughing and fell back into the pillows.

  "What?" Gwen said before picking up another pillow and smacking him in the head with it.

  "You snuck out of Catholic school and just went to the library to read books."

  "Hey, it was the really smutty ones."

  "Oh, you rebel. And now look at you; you're going to save the world."

  Gwen went serious again at the mention of saving the world.

  "Look, Quinn, I shouldn't have said anything about that--"

  He held up a finger to her lips to stop her from saying anything further. "You don't have to explain anything to me, Gwen. You're paying me to get some crazy thing from some crazy powerful longbeard. I don't really need to know why. And I'm really good at keeping secrets."

  She looked relieved and then confused. "Longbeard?"

  "You know, the old and powerful wizard types? What if I called him a Dumbledore? Merlin?" Quinn started at his chin and pulled an imaginary beard down.

  "Oh, we just called them Archi's."

  "Arties? Who is Art?

  "No, not Art, Archi. Like, you know, Archimedes. The famous Greek guy?"

  "Ah, maybe let's stick with longbeards?" Quinn said with a grin.

  Gwen threw another pillow at him. She followed it with a hard kiss. Quinn grabbed her in his arms pulled her down into the covers with him. Quinn paused just as their noses touched. He reached up and tenderly touched her cheek with his hand.

  "Look," he said. "This has been fantastic, but I gotta go get a skull from an all-powerful wizard because my boss is a real hard-ass." Quinn slipped out of bed with a laugh. He was followed by a storm of thrown pillows.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Rube sat down at the table in the middle of the warehouse where Freddy and Eno were aggressively playing cribbage against each other. They kept their speech to the minimum, rarely venturing beyond monosyllabic words and grunts. They threw the cards at the table as if the edges could slice up the wood. Rube cleared his throat, and when no one looked up he said, "Do Y’all mind if I ask you some questions?"

  Both Freddy and Eno shrugged their shoulders without looking up.

  "What's the difference between a sorcerer and a magician? Quinn's always making a point to say it, but he don't ever explain it."

  The werewolf and the vampire paused and thought about it for a moment.

  "You know, I have no idea," Freddy said.

  "Beats me," Eno said, and then he sneezed.

  Rube grunted and sat in silent contemplation. Just as the other two turned back to what they had been doing previously, he said, "Do you think it's like you get bit by something like Y’all did or something different?"

  "I didn't get bit. That's j
ust in the movies." Eno blew his nose and said, "I was chosen from a pool of candidates then I spent the next two years proving my devotion to the clan. After that period, I was selected to go through the ritual. Less than one in ten survive it to be blessed by the Fangs of Fenrir. If you survive, then, yeah, I guess you're jumped in."

  "So you think it's like that for them and all?"

  Eno and Freddy looked at each other, possibly the politest and most cordial communication between the two of them.

  "Look," Freddy said, leaning forward. "The only thing I've ever heard about is something called The Breakthrough."

  Rube just raised his eyebrows at that.

  Eno nodded and said, "The way I heard; it is kind of like losing your virginity."

  "So, Y’all are saying that being a mage is like an STD?"

  Freddy was about to answer when he was interrupted by the outside door of the warehouse busting open with light and sound. Quinn stepped through dancing to the catchy beat of a pop song. He snapped his heels together in time with the beat.

  "Today has been a fantastic day, boys!" Quinn said.

  "Sounds like someone got laid," Freddy said.

  Eno nodded in agreement.

  The music changed to a funky seventies beat, and Quinn switched his dance to meet the change. He winked at Rube and fired double snapping finger guns at Freddy.

  "Who's ready to make some money? I know I am!" Quinn said as he spun to s stop right by the table.

  "How you do you know he's gonna bite the line today?" Rube said.

  "Because I'm gonna wiggle the hook," Quinn said as he pulled out his phone. "You guys have the moving van ready?"

  Rube nodded. "Freddy got us some gear too. We'll be in place when you say."

  "Great," Quinn said. "I need you in place asap. Let's hustle it, boys! Where's Oscar?"

  The three men shook their heads. They hadn't seen him all morning.

  "Doesn’t matter, I'll sort that out later!. Tell her to text me if you see her. I gotta get into position. Hey, is my car ready?"

  Rube nodded and pointed to the back of the warehouse. He and Freddy had gotten the 2002 Toyota Corolla at a pretty good price. It had taken him a bit to find the New York plates, but they'd gotten it together for Quinn just like he asked.

  "Perfect!" Quinn said as he put on what he thought of as his shopkeep uniform. Off the rack suit, cotton blend shirt, and a raw silk tie. The car even had the old fast food bags in the back just like he'd asked for.

  Quinn hopped in and scooted around a bit in the chair to get comfortable. He leaned this way and that until he found his groove in the car. By the time he had driven the few miles that separated the warehouse from the shop, Quinn had changed from the smiling prince of crime to a very worried-looking and panicked shop owner. Eno, Freddy, and Rube followed behind him in the moving van.

  Quinn parked directly in front of the shop, gesturing hurriedly to the moving van being driven by Rube to drive around to the back.

  "Hurry up," he shouted at the van. "I don't have all day!" Quinn turned and fumbled at the look with the key ring. He paced for a moment, rubbing his forehead and loosening his tie just a little bit more.

  "Dear boy," a warm baritone said from behind him. "I was beginning to think you had second thoughts about our arrangement."

  Quinn let out a high pitched help, dropped the keys in apparent fright and turned around. "Oh, hey, Oswyn. Hi! No. No. No. Just didn't have any, ah, any appointments yesterday so no need to come into the shop, hahah. You know how it is. How-how-how are you?"

  Quinn tried to cover up his nervousness by trying to casually lean against the door frame. He missed the frame and ended up having to fully extend his arm to catch himself against the wall.

  "I find myself rather invigorated today. Can I help you with that door, my boy?" Oswyn smiled with his usual joviality. The door behind Quinn clicked and gently swung open.

  "Yeah, sure that would be, uh, great," Quinn said. “Just really great.”

  Quinn led the way into the small shop, turning on the lights. Nothing had changed since Oswyn had locked the place up for him the other day. Quinn stepped behind the counter as if to give himself some space between himself and Oswyn.

  "What...what did you have in mind?"

  "What I have in mind, dear boy is that we take your little scheme to the next level. What I have here," Oswyn lifted a small black bag just large enough to hold a bowling ball or a human skull onto the counter. "What I have here is the key to all our problems. This is the Skull of Saint Dymphna. You will take it to your contact in Drummonds. You will deposit it and walk out with the appropriate amount of goodies that we will in turn sell."

  Oswyn opened the bag and pulled out a pristine white skull, jawbone still intact. It had all of its teeth. Someone had drawn complex magical diagrams in a mesmerizing pattern across the entire skull. Of course, it looked nothing like the images Quinn had seen of the real thing. Oswyn had gone out of his way to create a very interesting forgery. But in Quinn's opinion, Oswyn's fake didn't even look like what you'd expect a Saint's skull to look like. He reached out to touch the skull.

  Oswyn swatted Quinn's hand away. He tucked the skull back into the bag and sealed it shut. When the last snap closed, the crushing sense of power disappeared.

  "You will take this to your friend. Once there you will exchange it for as many items as you can possibly carry about your person. Then you will bring them to my home. Once there, we will then plan what we will sell. Am I clear?"

  Quinn took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He picked up the bag with both hands and said, "Right, you're giving this to me--"

  Right on queue Eno burst into the storefront from the back room. In his thickest New York accent Eno said, "Hey, Pal! You want us to pack this place up or what? Me and my guys, we're just standing around here holding our dicks!"

  Quinn's eyes went wide with panic. He gulped started to sputter out some nonsense that probably should have been words.

  The door jingled, and Karen walked in. She looked like the sort of businesswoman that enjoyed informing middle management that due to the leveraged buy-out they no longer had jobs. She was holding a black bag similar to the one Quinn was holding in his hands.

  "Excuse me," she said. "I bought this here a few weeks ago, and I think this might have been stolen! I want to speak with the owner! Immediately!"

  Oswyn laughed, his baritone mirth threatened to smoother just about all the other noises in the room. He walked out of the store with a significant look at Quinn and pulled a watch out of his vest pocket. He looked down at the watch and then back at Quinn. Oswyn gave a mocking little bow as the door closed.

  The noise of the complaints from Karen and Eno didn't stop, but Quinn set aside the bag that Oswyn had given him. Next, he grabbed Karen's bag and squared it next to Oswyns bag. Quinn took a deep cleansing breath, closed his eyes and began the summoning of a Circle of Rhith. The aquamarine circle appeared around the small black bag. The magical circle pulsed with power as it waited for Quinn's commands. Next, he wove the Rune of Pwysau to make sure the replacement bag had the same weight and sounds as the original. Finally, he wrapped it in the Net of Crediniaethau to make sure anyone viewing the bag believed in what they saw. The opalescent lines flowed over and around the bag, taking the shape of the bag next to it. When the magic snapped into place, there were two identical bags sitting on the counter.

  The manic yelling from Karen and Eno never let up. Eno produced a small strong box and held it open. Quinn dropped Oswyn' bag into the box. Karen snapped the lid shut, and held her hands on both on the lid. She closed her eyes and whispered her own enchantments. Red lines of magic flowed over the box, sealing it from magical senses.

  "There," she said. "That should keep him in the dark, for a little while anyway."

  Quinn nodded and picked up the bag he'd enchanted. "Let's hope. Places everyone."

  Karen nodded. Eno turned and took the box to the back to load it into
the van. He, Rube, and Freddy would strip the place clean the moment that Quinn and Karen walked out of the door.

  Karen stormed out the front of the store, stomping and shaking her head. Quinn waited a few moments before picking up the bag he had made. He gave it a shake to make sure it looked good. The best lies were the ones that contained mostly truth. They hadn't had time to make a convincing fake, and they weren't sure what Oswyn would actually bring so they'd just substituted a light brick. Hopefully, Oswyn wouldn't get it in his head to look in the bag before Quinn could get into the bank.

  Quinn took several rapid deep breaths, tousled his hair even more, and opened the front door. He dropped the bag just inside the door. He stepped outside, his hands shook when he locked the door behind him leaving the bag inside the store. He took three steps and then turned back around. He unlocked the door and then flipped the sign back to closed. He turned back around and walked towards Oswyn's waiting car. He didn't get more than a few steps before turning back around again one more time to lock the store door. Quinn opened the car door and took a seat next to Oswyn.

  The driver turned around to stare at Quinn. Oswyn turned at looked at Quinn.

  "What?" Quinn said.

  "The bad, dear boy. You forgot the bag."

  Quinn laughed, a sound somewhere between hopelessness and utter despair. He got back out of the car and trudged back to the store. Unlocked the door. Picked up the bag. Locked the door.

  Oswyn and his driver shared a look of utter contempt for Quinn.

  Quinn patted his pockets and thought about things for a moment. Satisfied that he had everything, Quinn scooped up the bag and stepped into the waiting vintage limo to go rob a bank with Oswyn the Great and Powerful.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Quinn tucked the bag behind his legs as he sat next to Oswyn. He sat still for a few moments as the car moved through traffic. He took a deep breath, sighed, and shifted positions. Quinn sat still for a few moments and repeated the sighing, moving, shuffling, and a deep breath.

  After the third or fourth rotation, Oswyn looked at Quinn and said, "Are you nervous, dear boy? I have something that will calm the nerves if you'd like?" He gestured to the crystal decanters on a shelf behind the driver.