Dare to Love

by A. L. Brooks

  They kissed for who knew how long. Long enough for Ash’s heart to start a rapid racing and for her arousal to climb to new heights.

  “Hi,” Carmen said when she eventually pulled back.

  Ash smiled. “Hi yourself.” She stepped back. “Come on in.”

  Carmen dropped her bag by the door and kicked off her shoes.

  The small gestures of comfort, at feeling at home enough to do so, made deliciously warm sensations squirm in Ash’s belly.

  “Quick tour?” Ash gestured with open arms.

  “Yes, please.” Carmen took her hand, and it felt so perfect, Ash had to swallow back the emotions that rose up.

  She led Carmen around the small flat. “Main room, which, as you can see, is living room, dining area, and kitchen all in one.”

  “I love all the photos on the walls.” Carmen gazed around her. “All the places you’ve been?”

  “Pretty much. None from the Kruger trip yet. I’ve been a little distracted and haven’t found time to print them.” Ash grinned.

  Carmen chuckled. “I can’t think what you mean.” She leaned up and kissed Ash softly.

  Her heart full, Ash continued the tour. “That’s the bathroom.” She pointed to the relevant door. “And that, um, is the bedroom.”

  Carmen peeked around the door. “Lovely.” When she turned back to Ash, she was blushing. “It’s a cute place, and I like how it feels.”

  “Good. So, drink? I have wine, beer, juice—”

  “Camomile tea?”

  “It just so happens I did buy some.” She tugged Carmen after her to the kitchen.

  “Just for me?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s very sweet.”

  Ash turned to look at Carmen.

  Her face was flushed and her eyes misty.

  “You okay?” Ash asked.

  Carmen visibly swallowed. “Very. And so relieved.”

  Ash sighed and squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry I put you through all that.”

  “It’s okay. You were scared. We all do things differently when we’re scared. Trust me; I’ve still got some things to face up to in all of this too.” Carmen grimaced. “For example, telling my mother about us.”

  “You’d really want to do that?”

  Carmen stepped back. She ran her hands through her curls, a gesture that always mesmerised Ash, and puffed out a loud breath. “Not right now, if I’m honest. I’d prefer to leave that until I’m totally comfortable with all of this. I’d have more strength then, I think, to deal with any negative reaction.”

  Is she still not comfortable with this? Ash stopped herself from blurting out the words. Wait a minute. She’s forty-three and considering coming out. Of course she needs to be totally comfortable with all that’s happening to her before she takes that big step. “Anything I can do to help with that?”

  Carmen came back to Ash and slid her arms around her waist. “Not right now. But thank you for asking. I just need to work through what this means for my perception of myself. For how others, as well as myself, have seen me all this time. And then decide who I want to tell and how to tell them.” She paused, her eyes narrowed in thought. “I think what I really want is to understand and be happy in my new identity, whatever that is, before I come out to anyone else. And definitely before I speak to my less-than-tolerant mother.”

  “Okay, I get it.” Ash kissed her softly. “Talk to me any time, okay?”

  “I will.” Carmen squeezed her.

  “So how hungry are you? Because I have some soup in the fridge we could heat up, maybe with a salad on the side, or we could order in something more substantial.”

  “I’m not hugely hungry, to be honest.” Carmen leaned up and kissed her. “Soup and a salad would be perfect.”

  Ash ran one hand lightly down Carmen’s cheek. “Coming right up.” She led Carmen over to the sofa. “You sit down, and I’ll bring your tea over in a sec.”

  After she’d prepared the tea, then poured a juice for herself, she put the soup on a low heat and joined Carmen on the sofa.

  Carmen immediately entwined their fingers, holding their joined hands on her thigh. “I love holding your hand. I love how our fingers fit together so well and how soft your skin is.”

  “Mm, it’s one of my favourite things too.”

  They shared a sweet kiss, snuggling in close.

  “God, it’s nice to be somewhere quiet for once.” Ash looked down at her. “No fighting for a table anywhere, no noisy people.”

  “Yes! Thank you for suggesting we meet at yours. I just couldn’t face being out tonight.”

  “It was about time you saw my place.” Ash kissed her. “But I do want to make one thing clear. Inviting you here doesn’t, um, presume anything. You know, about sleeping together or anything like that.”

  Carmen blushed once more but smiled. “Thank you for saying that. I wasn’t sure. But equally, I wasn’t worried.” She cupped Ash’s chin. “I’ll know when I’m ready for that, and trust me, you’ll be the first to know.”

  Ash chuckled. “Good to know.”

  They looked into each other’s eyes, soft smiles playing on their lips.

  “I feel like we’re almost back where we should be.” Carmen’s voice was soft.

  Ash swallowed. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” She paused. There was still one thing she’d never properly explained to Carmen, and she deserved to know it. And here in the safe space of her own flat, it felt like the perfect time to get it all out there. “Listen, I feel like I need to tell you all about Vikki. Not the abridged version, but the whole thing. I mean, if you don’t want to hear it—”

  “I do.” Carmen’s voice was quiet. “I want to understand. But only if you really are ready to tell me.”

  “I am.” Ash twisted in her seat to face Carmen but didn’t let go of her hand. Where to begin? “I was hooked on her from the minute she started working at the bank. I…I was such an idiot. I knew she was engaged, and I also knew that her fiancé, Dave, was as about as exciting as a trip to the dentist. She wasn’t happy. I mean, she never said it outright, but the more time we spent together, the more we shared and laughed and talked, I knew she was doubting what she was doing.”

  “Did, um, did anything happen with her? I mean, you know, physically.”

  “No. Although it did seem as if Vikki was sometimes determined to push the boundaries of our friendship into something more. One night it all came to a head. After someone’s birthday drinks after work, she kissed me. She was leaving, heading off home, and asked me to walk her to the Tube. She grabbed me in an alley behind the bar.” Ash looked at Carmen. “I was so stunned, but of course I returned the kiss because by then I knew how much I felt for her.”

  Carmen said nothing, but her intent gaze held Ash’s.

  “After a couple of minutes she backed off, looking like she was about to have a heart attack, and sprinted off in the direction of the Tube before I could stop her.” Ash paused. The memories hurt, but she wanted Carmen to know the whole story, so she ploughed on. “I went home and sent her about twenty text messages, begging her to call me. She never answered any of them. And the next morning in the office, she acted like nothing had happened.”

  “Oh no.” Carmen clutched Ash’s hand more tightly, and Ash’s heart warmed at the sympathy and understanding in Carmen’s expression.

  “I felt as if I’d been slapped. No matter how many times I tried to get her to talk about us and about what had happened, she shut me down.” She shook her head. “I’d fallen for her without even realising it, and she wouldn’t even talk to me. And then there was her wedding. Everyone from work was invited, even me. I know I shouldn’t have gone. But I suppose I wondered if she’d go through with it.”

  “That must have been very painful.” Carmen’s tone was careful.

  Ash snorted. “It was a disaster. It was bad enough witnessing her say ‘I do’. But later, after the dinner, when it was time for the bride and groom to have their firs
t dance, she couldn’t find Dave. Turns out he was in the hotel bar getting drunk with his mates. So she grabbed me instead.”

  “What?” Carmen’s mouth fell open. “She got you to do the traditional first dance with her?”

  “Yep. I was torn, wanting to humour her, because she was a bit drunk too, and not cause a scene. But at the same time it was a nightmare, trying not to hold her too close, not getting too caught up in the moment.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I have no idea what anyone else thought of it all. Most people were just laughing, I guess thinking it was a bit of fun. When we were back at work, after she got back from her honeymoon, it was like we were strangers. Barely said a word to each other.”

  “Oh, Ash, I…I don’t know what to say.” Carmen cupped Ash’s cheek in her warm hand. “What she did to you was very unfair. I don’t know why she did it, played with you that way, but I can totally understand why it’s impacted you so much.”

  “Yeah, it screwed me up, no doubt about that.” Ash pressed closer, locking gazes with Carmen. “And I honestly thought I’d got past it all with my therapy sessions. It turns out that wasn’t quite true. And again, I’m sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay. Truly. Thank you for telling me.” Carmen pursed her lips. “I know I’ve said it before—none of us can ever guarantee anything. And making false promises is not my thing. But what I can say is that I cannot imagine, in a million years, doing something like that to you. You mean far too much to me to play with your feelings.”

  Ash quivered at the strength of emotion in Carmen’s voice.

  Carmen trailed her thumb over the back of Ash’s hand. “If this doesn’t work out between us, it will be because we don’t fit, don’t make each other happy. There won’t be any emotional games. That is absolutely not my style.”

  Relief coursed through Ash. She didn’t want them pretending that life was perfect and nothing bad could happen. Knowing how strongly Carmen felt about doing this right, about treating each other with respect, was all she needed right now. “Good, because it isn’t mine either.”

  She wrapped her arms around Carmen and held her tightly. When Carmen’s lips found hers once more, she lost herself in the tender kiss, any thoughts of the past and previous hurts left far behind.

  Chapter 38

  “Come on in.” Carmen stepped aside to allow Ash to walk into her home. She closed the door behind Ash and turned to face her.

  Ash looked delectable. The tight black jeans were back, this time paired with a plain, dark green shirt buttoned up to the collar. Her hair was swept back, the style that Carmen found irresistible.

  “You look unbelievable.” Ash’s gaze roamed over every inch of Carmen until it felt like a physical caress.

  Carmen sucked in a breath, astonished at how quickly her arousal could make itself known with just a look from Ash. “Thank you. You look wonderful yourself. That colour on you is spectacular.”

  “Why, thank you.” Ash leaned in and dropped a soft kiss on Carmen’s lips. “Am I the first one here?”

  “Not quite. Felicity is in the kitchen.”

  “Ah.” Ash shuffled her feet.

  “Don’t worry; she has just about forgiven you.” Carmen smiled as Ash frowned. “Seriously, she has. It’s okay.”

  Ash inhaled deeply, then nodded. “Okay. Lead on. Your turn to show me your house.” She grinned.

  It was so good to be back in the zone where they were comfortable with each other, where they could tease and smile and just…be.

  Carmen gestured for Ash to follow her into the living room. The tour of the house lasted only a few minutes, long enough for them to steal a few more kisses along the way.

  “I am still here, you know!” Felicity’s voice boomed from the kitchen.

  Carmen laughed. “All right, we’re coming down.”

  She led Ash down the stairs and along the hallway to the kitchen.

  When Carmen entered the room, Ash hovered in the doorway, clearly still unsure of the reception she would get from Felicity.

  “Well, well. The prodigal girlfriend returns.” Felicity stood with one hand resting on the breakfast bar, the other holding a glass of champagne.

  Carmen blinked. Girlfriend? Hmm, yes, I suppose she is . She inhaled. Wow, never had one of those before .

  “Hey, Felicity,” Ash said. “How are you?” Her voice cracked a little.

  Felicity circled the bar and strolled across the room, levelling a narrow-eyed stare at Ash.

  Ash stood her ground, although her forefingers tapped rapidly against her thighs.

  Carmen thought about stepping in to aid her, but she knew whatever Felicity threw at her, Ash was confident in where she and Carmen were now to throw it right back.

  Felicity stopped about a yard away from Ash, her face still maintaining its stern expression. “I am very well, thank you.” She broke into a wide smile. “And delighted to see you again. Here, this is for you.” She handed Ash the glass of champagne.

  “Should I be worried about it being poisoned?” Ash’s mouth quirked.

  Felicity guffawed. “No, you’re safe. For now.”

  Ash grinned, but Carmen caught the hint of relief in her eyes. “All right. Cheers.”

  Felicity nodded, then turned and walked back to the bar. “One for you, Carmen?”

  “Definitely.” The doorbell rang. “And you may as well pour two more while you’re there.”

  Ash leaned as casually as she could against the breakfast bar, grateful the glass of champagne didn’t wobble in her hand. She was about to be introduced to famous actress Tamsyn Harris, and her nerves threatened to get the better of her.

  Even though she and Carmen had come from very different backgrounds, Ash had never felt much disparity between them. Mainly because Carmen was, like her, a self-made businesswoman, which had them on a much more level playing field. But right now she became aware of the big difference in the circles they mixed in. It was a little overwhelming. However, Ash knew she just needed to roll with it. And hope like hell she didn’t make a tit of herself.

  “Don’t be nervous,” Felicity whispered close to her ear. Ash hadn’t realised she’d walked round the bar to stand next to her. “Yes, she’s world-famous, but she still sits down to pee, just like the rest of us.”

  Ash’s laugh burst from her chest, and she threw Felicity a grateful look.

  When Carmen came back into the room, all Ash could do was stare at her beautiful girlfriend. The dress she wore tonight, a shimmering creation of some kind of silky material in a deep bronze shade, showed off Carmen’s shoulders—and legs and arms—to perfection. Ash throbbed with need once more; she knew tonight, if they had some proper time alone, she’d be struggling to contain her desire.

  Carmen was closely followed by Tamsyn Harris and the honey-blonde woman who was presumably her fiancée. Ash knew her name was Maggie and that she was an author, but that was all as they’d mostly managed to keep details of Maggie’s life out of the press.

  A small, wiry brown dog wriggled past them and dashed straight over to Ash. It sat at her feet, gazing up at her.

  “Ash, I’d like you to meet Tamsyn and Maggie. And Gizmo, of course.”

  Tamsyn strode over, her hand outstretched. “Lovely to meet you!” She pumped Ash’s hand. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

  “Nice to meet you too. Obviously, I’ve heard a lot about you too.”

  Tamsyn laughed. “I can’t think why.” She winked conspiratorially.

  “Hi, Ash, I’m Maggie.” Ash went to shake her hand, but Maggie pulled her into a brief hug. “So glad you came back,” Maggie whispered. “It’s lovely to see her so happy.”

  When she pulled back, Ash stared at her, shocked—but also ridiculously pleased.

  Maggie’s mouth twitched.

  While Ash petted Gizmo, smiling as he hopped up and down at her feet, Felicity greeted the newcomers with cheek kisses and quick hugs, then handed them their glasses of champagne. She raised hers and waited
expectantly for everyone to look her way. “To love,” she toasted.

  Carmen turned bright pink; Ash was pretty sure her own face was the same colour. Tamsyn and Maggie gazed adoringly at each other, and Felicity simply laughed.

  “Cheers!” she said, and everyone drank.

  They sat down for the meal about twenty minutes later, by which time Ash’s nerves had settled a little. After chatting to the group, Ash came to realise Tamsyn and Maggie were amazing, but not in a superstar way. They were far more down to earth than she would ever have imagined and both very funny.

  When Tamsyn, Carmen, and Felicity began a conversation about a fashion show Tamsyn had been invited to, Ash turned to Maggie, who was seated on her left.

  “So, Maggie, what do you write? I mean, I read somewhere that you write under two different pen names, but no one’s ever said which names.”

  “Ah, yes, it’s all top secret, you know.” Maggie grinned. “But seriously, I wrote as Jessica Stewart for historical, mainstream fiction for many years. And now I focus solely on my other genre, lesbian fiction, where I write as Maddie Jones.”

  Ash’s heart thumped. “You’re Maddie Jones?”

  “You’ve heard of me?”

  “Um, just a little bit. You’re one of my favourite lesfic authors!”

  To Ash’s surprise, Maggie blushed. “Really? Oh, that’s lovely to hear.”

  “She’s a fan?” Tamsyn smiled.

  “Yes, I am. Big-time.” Ash shook her head. “Okay, this officially just became too much. Favourite actress and favourite author both at the same table.”

  Everyone laughed, and Carmen wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Can you cope?”

  “Just about.” Ash mimed wiping a fevered brow, and Carmen threw her a look filled with affection and…love? Whatever it was, it took Ash’s breath away, and she had to swallow hard before she could speak again. “This is amazing. But more so because they’re so…real. Ordinary.”

  “Don’t let Tamsyn hear you say that,” Maggie said in a stage whisper. “You’ll ruin her.”

  “Oh, ha bloody ha.” Tamsyn mock glared at her, then grinned.