The Dog Stole My Brain

by Katherine Horneshaw

  ‘Very creative, Jake,’ the lady says as the kids crack up again. ‘But you’re supposed to be telling a story about a memorable event.’

  ‘What’s a memorable event?’

  The nice lady sighs. ‘Something you remember. Something important to you.’

  ‘Oh! Let’s see … yeah, here’s something. One day I was at home and my family was there, but they were ignoring me. So I worked out how to help myself.’

  ‘Good, go on.’

  ‘I was very thirsty and I begged everyone for a drink, but they couldn’t be bothered budging. I couldn’t find any water so I managed to nudge a chair over to the sink. Then I climbed up and licked out the water that was left in there. It was the best bit of the day because I found two old Cheezels that someone had tried to squish down the hole. I gobbled them up and they were delicious!’

  The kids are laughing harder than ever. The lady tells them to shush and says to me, ‘That must be a very early memory. Toddlers do get up to some unexpected things. Well done, Jake.’

  The lady starts to clap and then so does everyone else. I clap, too. I like clapping. Hands can do so many fun things! When we are done clapping she tells me to go back to my chair.

  Other kids tell their stories. It’s fun listening to them for a while, but then I get bored with sitting in a chair. And I’m hungry.

  ‘Let’s go outside and play now, Chris.’

  ‘I wish. We haven’t even started maths.’

  ‘What’s maths? I’m sick of sitting here.’

  ‘Jake, enough with the cutsie act. I’m pretty behind.’

  The lady puts a piece of paper in front of all of us and everyone starts to stare at it and write things on it. How come Chris isn’t laughing anymore? Why has everyone stopped talking?

  ‘Hey, everyone,’ I say. ‘Look outside. The sun’s shining. Let’s go play.’

  ‘That’s enough, Jake! Mind your own business, keep quiet, and do your work.’

  Why did the nice lady get mad at me? Since when did humans ever keep quiet?

  Everyone’s ignoring me. Is there anything fun I can do with this stupid piece of paper? I tear off a big chunk, put it in my mouth and try to chew it. It tastes awful with a human tongue, so I spit it out.

  ‘Yuck. Stop acting weird,’ says Chris.

  ‘All right, Jake!’ Now the lady is yelling. ‘This really is not like you. Just because you told a story about being a toddler, doesn’t mean you have to act like one. Do your work now or … you know the consequences.’

  She doesn’t like me anymore. Why not? I thought humans could do whatever they want. I’m tired of being stuck in this room. My legs are getting twitchy and I’m hungry and it’s stupid these tables are covered with papers and not food.

  I get up and start running around the room in circles like I do at home when I get frustrated. Ah, I feel better already.

  ‘Jake! What on earth do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘I’m bored!’ I shout. ‘And I’m very hungry, and I’ve been saving up my pee to do it outside because I know I’m not supposed to do it on the floor in here.’

  Most of the kids are laughing again, but Chris isn’t. He’s looking at me like Dad does when he isn’t happy with me.

  ‘Hey, Jakey-Wakey,’ a voice calls from the back. I turn around. There’s that girl from the dog wash!

  ‘Hello.’ I try to make my voice sound like Dad’s when he’s talking to someone important on the phone. ‘Ni … Lovely to see you again.’

  ‘Huh? Did your mummy forget to give you your medication this morning?’

  ‘And she must have been too busy to put your nappy on!’ laughs the girl next to her.

  I don’t know what they’re talking about, so I copy Dad again and say, ‘Well, see you another time …’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ giggles the first one, ‘you’ll be seeing us very soon. You get your surprise at lunch.’

  That’s right. They’ve got a surprise for me!

  7

  Stupid dog! Why’d you leave me in the yard? I’m standing at the gate, barking down the street. When I said I wouldn’t mind being you so I didn’t have to go to school, I meant I wanted to spend the day in the house. With the computer. Or at least the TV. I could operate a remote with my paws, you know. I mean, your paws.

  Barney left ages ago, so there’s no way he could hear me. But it makes me feel a little less frustrated to whine and yap.

  You’d think your IQ would have gone up a bit now your brain’s in a human head. Apparently not.

  I climb the front steps and try for the hundredth time to push the door open with my dog head. All I achieve is a splinter in my sensitive snout. That makes me madder than ever.

  I barrel down the steps and pace around the yard. What are you doing at school, Barney? You’d better not be licking the teacher’s face. Or telling Chris how much you love him.

  Those thoughts make me want to crawl under the house and hide in the dusty darkness. Another even worse thought makes me want to stay under there with the spiders forever. Debbie and Skye.

  How are you gonna deal with those two, Barney? If you hadn’t swapped our brains without even discussing it with me, you wouldn’t be in this position.

  What will their surprise be? I don’t want to even try and imagine.

  It’s getting hot, and I’m thirsty. At least Barney made sure there was plenty of water in my bowl. But it’s embarrassing, lowering my head to lap up lukewarm water with my long doggy tongue. Thank goodness there’s no one here to see me.

  ‘Barney! How’s my boy?’

  No. Peering in through our gate is that lady from across the street. Barney likes her. But I don’t enjoy panting and slobbering while someone scratches my head. I sit down in the far corner of the yard, with my back to her.

  ‘Come on, Barns. What’s up? Are you sad today?’

  She sounds so nice. She never talked to me that way when I was in my boy body.

  ‘Come over here, Barns,’ she coaxes, ‘a good pat will do you wonders.’

  What the heck. Anything to give me a break from this boredom. I turn around and walk slowly to the gate. She sticks her fingers through the wire and wiggles them around invitingly. Being alone all day must be making me go insane, because I lean my head against the gate and let her scratch me.

  ‘There you go. Nice doggy.’ Her conversation isn’t much, but her voice is very soothing. ‘You’re such a good dog.’

  I wag my tail in appreciation.

  ‘That’s better. Well, I’ll be off now.’

  Sigh. I was starting to enjoy that. Oh, good, I can smell someone else coming up the street. Maybe they’ll talk to me, too. At least it passes the time. It’s a tall old man. I’ll stay here with my snout up to the wire so he notices me. But he hasn’t looked. I think he’s gonna just keep walking.

  Hello!

  I don’t think he heard me. I’ll bark louder. Hello! Hello!

  ‘Shut up, mutt!’ he scolds. ‘Haven’t you got something better to do than disturb me every single day? Your owners should tie you up so you can’t stand at that bloody gate yapping at people.’

  He gives me a dirty look and keeps walking. That’s the point. I haven’t got anything better to do. I yell at him till I can’t see him any more.

  The sun is directly overhead, so I guess it’s noon. But it seems like I’ve been in this yard for ten years. You know what that feels like, don’t you, Barney? So how come you did it to me?

  I pace along the front fence. I’m gonna explode if I can’t get out of here. Yesterday I didn’t want to go to school and now it’s all I can think about. Have Debbie and Skye given you their surprise yet, Barney? It must be lunchtime, so I bet they’re doing it right now. I also bet that, with your help, they’re making me look like the biggest doofus in the state. Or would that be the entire country?

  I have to get to school. Maybe they haven’t humiliated him, I mean, me, too much yet. Maybe I can get him out of there, somehow.
/>   I have to work out some way to unlatch the gate. I stand up on my back legs to have a look. Of course I won’t be able to undo the latch with my clumsy paws …

  Oh, my gosh! Barney closed the gate but he didn’t latch it properly. I lean against the gate with all my weight … and then I run.

  8

  ‘You’re lucky you got by with a warning,’ Chris tells me when we’re finally allowed outside. ‘If Miss Duke didn’t like you so much, you’d have copped it.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Duh. You’ve been acting like a total maniac.’

  ‘Never mind,’ I say. I wag my tail vigorously. Oh, wait, I haven’t got one. I’ll just have to use my voice the way humans do. ‘They let us out! Hooray! Let’s play!’

  Chris rolls his eyes. ‘I’ve got karate training.’

  ‘You can’t play with me?’

  ‘You know sensei’s only gonna be here for this week. It’s a really good chance for me to get my brown belt.’ He turns and starts to walk away.

  ‘Chris,’ I yell out after him. ‘Don’t go. I love you.’

  He looks back at me. ‘Geez, Jake.’ He’s smiling just a little bit. ‘I’ll see you after lunch.’

  What do I do now? I’m still hungry. Chris only gave me a corner of his Vegemite sandwich and a few salty crunchy things we’ve never had at our house. He kept all the cake for himself, and it looked yummy.

  There’s that wide boy. He was sitting beside Chris at our table. Oh, cool, he’s got something to eat. It’s on a stick and it’s very bright. I can’t wait to try it. I run up as fast as I can and take a big lick.

  ‘Gross! Stop that, you idiot.’

  ‘Sorry. I couldn’t resist. Do you still like me?’

  ‘You’re weird.’ He walks off.

  How come he won’t share his food like Jake and Chris do? There sure is a lot of stuff to learn at school.

  ‘Jakey-Wakey, there you are.’

  Oh, good. It’s the girl from the dog wash, and the other girl who was sitting beside her in the boring room.

  ‘Is it time for my surprise?’ I ask.

  ‘Sure is,’ they giggle. ‘Follow us.’

  Great. I don’t have to hang around, all alone.

  They lead me past a lot of kids, swinging and climbing and running. This yard is huge compared to ours at home. We go behind a building full of bikes, and the girls take me to the corner by the fence.

  ‘We found a friend for you,’ one of the girls says in an excited voice. ‘An animal friend.’

  ‘Cool. I’ve always wanted somebody to keep me company when my humans are away.’

  ‘Huh?’ One of them turns to the other. ‘What’s he talking about?’

  ‘Never mind, he’s a freakazoid.’ She turns to me. ‘Have a look at your precious friend, Jakey-Wakey.’ She shoves me toward the corner.

  I look down. There’s a rat. I nudge it with my foot. It just lies there. Why do they think I’d like a friend who’s dead?

  ‘Do you love him, Jakey? Is he cute?’

  ‘Well …’ They’re standing so close to me I can smell them very clearly, even with this human nose. ‘I do find dead things interesting, but … Dad tells me off if I play with them.’

  ‘What?!’ they squeal. ‘You wanna play with it? You freak!’

  They’re shouting. I don’t like it when people shout at me. It makes a spot inside my chest hurt.

  The wide boy who won’t share his food has walked over to us.

  ‘There’s a dead rat,’ one of the girls tells him. ‘Jake reckons he likes it.’ She says to me, ‘Go on, pick it up.’

  The boy says it, too. ‘Yeah, pick it up.’ Suddenly more kids are here, standing behind the girls. I want to run away, but I’m trapped in the corner.

  ‘PICK IT UP,’ the girls and the horrible boy say. Some of the other kids join in. ‘PICK IT UP!’ They’re clapping now, too. I liked the clapping before. But I don’t like this. And why are they telling me to pick it up?

  Once, when I was a pup, I found a dead bird in the garden and I tossed it in the air, and it smelled so interesting I rolled on it to borrow its scent. Dad saw me and yelled, ‘No, Barney. Bad dog! That’s disgusting.’

  ‘If dogs aren’t supposed to touch dead things,’ I say to the girls, ‘then humans shouldn’t either.’

  ‘That’s stupid. You’re such an idiot.’

  These girls are making me feel like that man did one time when my family was away. He was so nice. He stopped to talk to me, so I let him unlatch the gate and come into the yard. But then he took a strong tool out of his pocket and started breaking the lock on the front door and when I told him no, he shouted at me. I got very angry with him for breaking my family’s property, so I went to bite him and he ran away.

  ‘I’m not an idiot,’ I tell them. ‘I’m a good boy. And I’m not gonna pick up a dead animal just because you tell me to!’

  9

  No! It’s worse than I thought. I’ve snuck in the back gate at school and the first thing I see is ME, in the corner behind the bike shed. I mean, I know it’s not really me, but everybody thinks it is, and there are half a dozen kids standing around watching. And, of course, the kids who are standing closest to my body, making sure I stay lodged in the corner, just happen to be Debbie and Skye. ‘PICK IT UP!’ They’re yelling.

  Pick up what? I crawl along on my belly behind the bushes next to the fence. The kids don’t notice me here. They’re all focused on Barney. I’m close enough to hear what he’s saying now.

  ‘No! I said I won’t do it. I need to go now. Let me out. I’m not having fun here.’

  Barney, you’re just making it worse, I think to myself. As if they’re going to listen to that.

  ‘We’ll let you out if you take your rat with you,’ crows Debbie.

  A rat? They want him to pick up a filthy rodent! Maybe I should get a yard-duty teacher. But that’s hopeless. They’d never listen to a dog.

  ‘You guys just pretend to be nice,’ Barney is saying, ‘but really you’re mean.’

  ‘You said you like dead things,’ Skye shoots back. ‘And we are being nice – we found you something for lunch.’

  They edge even closer to him. Geez, why doesn’t he just pick the thing up so they’ll let him go?

  ‘You don’t even smell good,’ Barney is saying to them. ‘I bet you’re like that man I chased off, not brave at all.’

  ‘You think you’re brave?’ Skye taunts.

  ‘I know I am. Everybody in my family’s brave. Especially J … especially my dog. He saved my life once.’

  I did? Oh, he must mean that time when he was a pup and jumped off the St Kilda pier because he likes baths so much. I didn’t even stop to think. I just knew he was the best pup ever and I couldn’t stand it if he drowned, so before I had a chance to be scared, I dived in and saved him.

  ‘Isn’t the ratty cute?’ Debbie squeaks.

  ‘I’ve had enough of you,’ Barney growls. ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I’m gonna bite you!’ He lunges toward them, teeth bared.

  ‘You weirdo!’ Debbie screeches.

  He’s not weird. The kids all turn to me when they hear my barking. Barney’s standing up for himself. And so can I!

  I charge straight towards Debbie and Skye. I see fear in their eyes before they turn and run. But I’m right behind them. And I’m even faster than I was as a boy.

  ‘Hey, where’d that dog come from?’ Heaps more kids appear, laughing and yelling, happy to be running with a dog, happy to be chasing Skye and Debbie. ‘Look at them,’ someone shouts, pointing to the girls. ‘They waddle like walruses!’

  ‘Jake!’ Barney has surged to the front of the pack and is running beside me. ‘Now I know why you don’t like school.’

  We don’t have any trouble chasing Debbie and Skye into the other end of the yard. They’re breathing really hard and their faces are red with sweat.

  ‘Youse are so unfit,’ someone calls out to them. ‘Do you eat dinner at Macca�
��s every single night?’

  I stand close to them, barking and growling.

  Barney faces the girls. ‘You’re Ugmo and Fatty, aren’t you? I’ve heard about you.’

  ‘Good one, Jake,’ somebody cheers.

  Debbie has recovered enough breath to yell at Barney. ‘Get your stupid dog away from us!’

  ‘He’s not stupid,’ Barney fires back. ‘He’s the smartest b … I mean, dog, in the world!’

  I leap onto her, pinning her shoulders against the fence with my front paws. Debbie screams and pulls at my fur.

  ‘That hurts him. Stop it!’ Barney says.

  ‘Since when do you order me around?’ Debbie demands.

  ‘Since now,’ somebody yells.

  ‘Get her!’ another kid screeches. ‘Get Ugmo! She deserves it.’

  Barney has a different idea. ‘If I tell my dog to get off you, will you leave us alone?’

  ‘YES. Just get him off me!’

  ‘You’ll never torment us again?’

  ‘NO.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘YES!’

  ‘All right, then. Down, boy.’

  I stop barking and step back just as someone calls out, ‘It’s Miss Duke!’

  Our teacher is marching over. Everybody takes off, running in different directions. Except for Debbie and Skye. They go straight to Miss Duke. I head towards the back fence, and hide behind a tree. But with my dog ears I can hear the girls dobbing me in, claiming they were attacked. Miss Duke looks around for any sign of a dog. But she can’t see me. She says, ‘Unless you two have some very convincing evidence I suggest you leave it.’ I turn back to see Debbie and Skye walking off, dejected. Miss Duke glances around, then heads back towards the school.

  Someone has spotted me, though. Barney bounds over and joins me in my spot between the trees and the fence.

  ‘Jake,’ he says, ‘I need to tell you something.’

  What? I bark.

  Barney looks sheepish. ‘Uhhhhhh, I always want to make you happy, ’cause you’re my favourite person in the world. But … um, it is fun in some ways, but I don’t think I want to be a boy anymore. It’s too hard.’