Bucket & Broom in China

by Steve Howrie

  * * *

  October

  Friday 1

  The Chinese National Holiday.

  Yes, we have a week away from school!

  The way the locals stare at Julie has started to get to her. I did tell her not to put those red and green streaks in her hair, but would she listen? In a country where there’s really only one hair–colour (black) she does tend to stand out. She’d started to say, “D’you want a picture?” when people stared at her. They didn’t understand, of course, and just stared more. So she asked one of her students to translate this into Chinese. The first time she said, “Ni xiang yao pai zhao ma?” an old woman nodded her head and held out her hand.

  People’s stares don’t bother me – except when I’m in the toilet and they look over to see what I’ve got.

  Saturday 2

  Talking about Julie’s hair yesterday made her look at mine. “You need a haircut,” she said bluntly. “Why?” I asked. “Because you keep tripping over it,” she said.

  She’s such a laugh… I’ve told her a million times not to exaggerate. Anyway, looked in the mirror this morning and couldn’t see my ears. Concluded that they’ve either dropped off, or Julie’s right about the hair–cut.

  Sunday 3

  I told Julie about my ‘what’s the point of all of this?’ line of thinking. Her reply was, “What’s the point of saying ‘What’s the point?’?” Thought about this for a bit, and then said, “If there’s no point in saying, ‘What’s the point?’ then what’s the point of saying ‘What’s the point of saying what’s the point?’?”

  “Come again?” she said.

  “If there’s no point…”

  “No no... just tell me what it means.”

  “I’ve no idea,” I said. “But either there’s no point to life, in which case it’s pointless to say ‘What’s the point?’; or there is a point to life, in which case I’d like to know what the hell it is.”

  “Good point,” she said, patting me on the nose with her finger (I don’t know why she does that). “Let’s find out what it is then…”

  “…or what it isn’t,” I added.

  Consequently, we spent the rest of the day looking up ‘The Purpose of Life’ on the Internet. Decided in the end it’s probably best not to, and drank a bottle of wine instead.

  Monday 4

  A student (Yuan Xu) came to see me about his university application early this morning. I asked his English name, and he said it was ‘Nineteen’. “No, no – I need your name, not your age,” I said. But apparently, this is his name (coinciding with his number on the class register).

  “Okay,” I started, “Why do you want to go to university – what’s the point?” He looked at me strangely for a moment – as if I’d asked him to divide two by zero, then said,

  “To get good job, to earn good money, to be respectable citizen.”

  “I see. But I have to tell you that one of the most successful, most respected and richest men in the whole World didn’t go to university. In fact, he left school with no qualifications!”

  “Who’s that?” he asked, wide–eyed.

  “Richard Branson.” He looked blank. “Virgin Atlantic Airlines,” I added.

  “Oh, Lichade Bulanshen! He’s my hero!”

  No university application needed – sorted.

  Tuesday 5

  Nigel came to tell me this morning that Nineteen’s parents were not at all pleased with what I told their son. In fact they’re furious, and threatening to take Nineteen to another school.

  “I cannot tell a lie,” I said holding up one hand.”

  “Nor can I,” he said. “You’re fired.”

  Went to see Dr Wang in the afternoon to get my final pay and say goodbye – but I was in for a surprise. “Can you teach Maths?” she asked.

  “In my sleep!” I said. (I’d taken a maths course in College, and slept through most of it.)

  “Okay, that’s better than nothing,” she sighed.

  Eureka! I’m starting tomorrow, teaching Calculus (whatever that is).

  Julie was very pleased with my new appointment. She said that Maths teachers are much more attractive than English teachers – or Guidance officers. Amazing! And even though it wasn’t Wednesday or Saturday we could stay up all night and make love – whoopee!

  Wednesday 6

  Oh, Julie’s quite a girl when she’s in the mood! Don’t know how many times we did it last night, but it was great! Only thing was, we drank half a bottle of brandy between us, which probably wasn’t such a bright idea before a teaching day. Still, I think my first maths lesson went well. What’s great about these Chinese students is they’re SO good at maths, and they help me out when I get stuck. Did a bit of history of Calculus – thought it would make them happy to think it was discovered in China. No idea who really thought it up, though one student said she thought it was a German called Leibniz (pronounced Lie–bnits). Told her that she shouldn’t believe anyone with a name containing the word ‘lie’.

  Taught them about right and wrong answers too. They’ve all got this idea that there’s only one correct solution to a problem. Explained that if I get one answer and they get a different one, it doesn’t mean that either is wrong. One smart Alec said, “So if I divide six by two and get three – and you get three point five, we could both be right?” I told smarty–pants that this sort of problem will be covered in his Philosophy class. “But I’m not taking Philosophy!” he complained.

  “Oh well, you’ll miss it then, won’t you.” Kids!

  Thursday 7

  Having berated my class a little, I must say that they’re the politest, most respectful and honest students I’ve ever met – truly. You just can’t beat Chinese students (well, you get into trouble if you do). They called me ‘Laoshi’ at first – which means teacher (rather flattering I thought). I told them my English name was Simon, but they wanted to give me a Chinese name.

  “Okay, pick one for me,” I said.

  They all got together, talking in Chinese and giggling, then said,

  “We would like to call you: ‘Ruo Zhi’” (pronounced Roar–Jer) they said, and even wrote it down for me in Chinese characters for me (弱智). How nice!

  “What does it mean?” I asked.

  “Extremely intelligent,” one said, smiling.

  “Well, shay shay,” I replied (that’s thank you in Chinese).

  Such lovely kids.

  Friday 8

  Thought it would be a good idea to have some business cards printed with my Chinese name on them. Went to see Lucy in the office and showed her my new name. It’s really nice when Chinese girls smile, and Lucy has such a wonderful smile – and a funny laugh. I heard her laugh when I asked for one thousand copies of the card. Well, you’ve got to think big.

  Saturday 9

  Julie’s birthday – hurrah! Actually, I thought we celebrated that last April, but she said that today is her official birthday – and she wanted to spend the whole day with me! I asked her where she’d like to go, and she said the ‘Shanghai World Expo’. What a great idea! (I thought.) We took the Metro to the Expo site – it was easy to get there (except when we took the wrong metro train, and got lost three times). Julie said she was European at heart, so that’s where we started – Europe.

  After queuing for nearly an hour, we finally got into the Spanish Pavilion. A bit weird, I have to say. The last room had a huge baby inside – I mean, this thing was BIG – and so lifelike. Julie couldn’t contain herself and jumped up and down like a three–year–old.

  “I want one, I want one!” Everyone turned and looked at her (and not just because of her hair).

  “But it’s too big!” I told her. “It’ll never fit inside our apartment.”

  “No, not that one. I want a real baby – my baby. Can we have one Simon – can we make a baby?”

  I looked at her, then at the baby, then back at Julie. “What now? Here?”

  “Forget it, I�
�ll find someone else,” she said. And with a toss of red and green locks, she stormed off in the direction of Italy.

  Don’t how she got into the Italian Pavilion without queuing, but it could have been her hair colour. Anyway, went for a drink in the Italian Pizza restaurant whilst I waited for her to come out. One glass of wine turned to two, and then three. Got talking to the waitress who’d come over especially for the Expo.

  “Y’know, you look quite Italian... even sound like one.”

  “Yes, perhaps that’s because I’m from Napoli,” she said.

  “Is that anywhere near Italy?” I managed to say. She laughed and went to serve someone more sensible and sober.

  Julie eventually turned up, looking fed up. “I want to go home now.”

  “But you’ve only seen two countries!”

  “It’s enough. I’m tired... and you’re drunk.”

  Sunday 10

  Didn’t know what to do today. Julie’d gone off with one of her students – teaching him English in ‘real life situations’, as she likes to do. She’s always working that girl. So thought I’d start on my piece for the Writers’ group meeting.

  SATURDAYS, by Simon Broom (Ruo Zhi).

  Saturdays come before Mondays,

  And even before Sundays.

  They’re after Fridays,

  And Thursdays,

  And even Wednesdays.

  But what about Tuesdays?

  Is Saturday before or after Tuesday?

  Where does ‘before’ end, and ‘after’ start?

  When is the horse put before the cart?

  Who knows the answer,

  And who really cares?

  As long as

  We get

  Our

  Day

  Off.

  I showed it to Julie when she came home, and she said, “Yeah, nice Babe. Keep trying, and don’t give up. You’ve got to get all this crap out of your system before you can get to the good stuff.” I think that was encouragement.

  “How’s your writing going?” I asked. “Anything ready for next meeting?”

  “Work in progress,” she said. Great title I thought, but actually she meant she was still working on it. Apparently it’s called “Love in Beijing.”

  “Sounds like a great story Jules…,” I said, “I really like good fiction.”

  “Who said anything about fiction?” she replied.

  Monday 11

  Dr Wang said there were vacancies on an international examination training course in Guangzhou, South China, next weekend, and did I want to go? Can’t take Julie, unfortunately, because it’s only for maths and science teachers. “Do I qualify as a Maths or Science teacher?” I joked with Dr Wang. “Only just,” she said.

  In the afternoon Clive told me that the English department has organised an English Speech competition for the students and he needs some judges. “No problem, Clivey, I’m your man,” I said. “Never judged a competition before, but I’m sure it’ll be a doddle.”

  “Actually, I mean… could you find some judges for me?”

  I must have looked really crestfallen because he gave me the job anyway.

  The first contestant was a girl called Angel, with a speech called ‘My Family’.

  “I love my family so much,” she started, “particularly my mother and father. But which one am I closer to? Well, it has to be my mother. Why? Because ‘father’ means further away…”

  The next was Brett who talked about ‘War and Death’.

  “Do you know how many people died in wars during the last one hundred years?” he asked. Must admit, I didn’t know that one – but fortunately he answered the question for us. “In World War One, sixteen million people died and twenty–one million were injured. In World War Two, over sixty–two million people lost their lives; in the Korean War…”

  These students don’t hold back – and their English was great!

  I did cause a tiny problem with the competition marking when I gave the third student (Stella) one hundred percent. The next speech was better, so I gave him one hundred and ten percent. But the next was better still, so I had to give her one hundred and twenty–five percent.

  Afterwards, Clive was frowning and he asked me why I gave Stella one hundred percent, when everyone else gave her less than ten.

  “Well, she had a sexy smile,” I said, “and she did talk about my favourite subject.”

  “What, ‘Women’s Fashion in the Eighteenth Century?’”

  I shrugged my shoulders, and Clive walked off shaking his head. He must have got that from Dr Wang.

  I told Julie about the competition, and she agreed that the students’ English is better than mine. “Yeah, but I’ve got the vernacular, I said.” She looked alarmed.

  “You should really see a doctor about that,” she said sternly. “And we’re definitely not having sex this week.” She even phoned the local clinic to make an appointment for me! What’s that about?

  Later she said she’d Googled ‘Vernacular Disease’ and said there’s no such ailment; I must mean ‘Venereal Disease’.

  “What, I’ve got VD!”

  “You told me you did.”

  “I did?”

  “I think so.”

  “Can we play back the tape please?” I was joking, of course, being my usual humorous self.

  “I don’t have a tape,” she stated. “I only use hard–disc recording.”

  My eyes popped. “What, you really do record our conversations?” I gasped.

  “Yes – but I didn’t get that one unfortunately.” I had to ask her why. “I was busy – you caught me by surprise,” she said.

  “No, I don’t mean why you didn’t record that conversation – I mean, ‘why do you do it at all!’” I was beginning to wonder about Julie: which government agency was she working for? “Are you a spy Julie?” I asked (I then realised that if she was a spy, she would hardly admit it).

  “No, Toni from the Writers group suggested it…”

  “Is Toni a spy?” She thought for a minute. “Maybe. He thinks you say some really funny things at times, and I should capture them for posterity.”

  “For who?”

  “For whom,” she corrected.

  Apparently, Toni thinks I’m a bit of a wit (I think Julie said ‘wit’) and he suggested recording our conversations, so that one day – when I sell my blog to a big publisher and make lots of money – I can make sure it’s accurate. Mmm….

  Tuesday 12

  Couldn’t believe that Julie actually records our conversations… will have to be careful what I say in future.

  Anyway, it was a good Writers meeting last night. Having brought some of my own writing, I was welcomed as an official member of the club. Hurrah! They let me go first, and I handed out copies of my story called ‘War and Peace’ (which raised a few eyebrows for some reason). This was inspired by the speech given by my student Brett.

  WAR AND PEACE, by Simon Broom.

  In this day and age, we cannot have peace without war – but we can have war without peace. War leaves people in pieces, countries in pieces, jigsaws in pieces. Some people say, ‘Give Peace a Chance’. But I say, ‘Give War a Chance’. We can only understand Peace when we understand War. Without War, there would be no Peace Process, no World War Two movies, no Vietnam Trilogy. Sylvester Stallone would be a nobody, and my granddad would not have met my gran, so my mum would not have been born, which means that I would not have been born either, which means I would not be writing this now. So, we have war to thank for all that.

  Warlords and war–mongers. People selling war, like fish–mongers selling fish, only more deadly. Sharks perhaps.

  War: what are we fighting for? Nothing!

  At the end, Anton said, “Apart from writing, what other things do you do?” I looked blank. Then he added, “I mean, what are you good at?”

  Wednesday 13

  Decided that I will go on the training course to Guangzhou this weekend. It
’s free, and a good chance to see more of China. Only downside: I’ve got to share a room with Klaus – and he’s not going to let me forget what I said about maths teachers. I did ask Dr Wang if I could share with Google, but she said that would not be possible – unless I wanted to marry her. I thought about that. It would only cost five kwai to get married; but then she might want things like babies, a house, a car, and a diamond ring. A room with Klaus it is then.

  Thursday 14

  Had a goodbye dinner with Julie before heading off to Guangzhou tomorrow. Told her not to worry – I’ve got my passport and visa this time. Julie’s keeping to her Pescetarian diet, and wanted to talk about food.

  “Do you know where meat comes from Simon,” she said.

  “Yeah, course I do – from the supermarket.”

  “No, before that.”

  “A distributor?”

  “Before that.” I knew the answer, I knew it… I just needed time. Then she said. “From a Prison, Simon – that’s where it comes from.” I was shocked. What was I eating? “Farms are prisons,” she said vehemently. She was getting very passionate about this now, “and you are eating the inmates.”

  I looked down at my chicken drumstick, half expecting to see it chained to the table leg.

  Friday 15

  It’s two a.m. Officially Saturday I suppose. This afternoon (Friday) we flew down to Guangzhou for the Conference. I sat next to Klaus and we had a good chat. Fortunately, he said nothing at all about me being a ‘boring’ maths teacher. Instead, he asked if I was familiar with Newton’s three laws of Motion. I think the way I said “Newton who?” sort of answered his question. But as soon as he mentioned the guy with the apple, I knew who he meant straightaway. “He was taking a risk though, wasn’t he?” I said.

  “Well yes,” Klaus replied. “His theory of gravitation was ground–breaking, and he initially had the whole scientific community against him.”

  “Yeah, but just think about his son, I said. “I mean, that arrow could easily have missed the apple and gone straight through his eye.”

  Tonight, we decided to hit the town and have a few drinks. We tried to creep out without Sheila knowing, but she could smell a good night out from fifty paces.

  “Hey, wait for me – I’ll be right down,” she shouted from her bedroom window. So the five of us – Klaus, Google, Big Ron, Sheila and me – headed for the bright lights of Guangzhou.

  We found a place called the ‘Tomato Bar’ in some backstreet downtown. Ron liked it because everything was red, and matched his Arsenal shirt. And Sheila liked it because it was a bar.

  “Y’know why I like a drink, fellas?”she said waving her glass like it was a magic wand. “It’s Chemistry, pure and simple... a girl needs a drink, like a man needs a bicycle…”

  Klaus frowned. “I don’t have a bicycle,” he said.

  “I mean, like a man needs a woman,” Sheila corrected. Big Ron’s eyes lit up. The next thing I knew, he was away having a tete–a–tete with Sheila, whilst I was staring into the eyes of Google.

  “I’ve never been drunk,” she said, “What’s it like?”

  “Well, let’s find out,” I said topping up her glass.

  I don’t remember anything else.

  (Note to self: delete this entry from my Blog in case Julie sees it, and gets the right impression.)

  Saturday 16

  First day of our course. Learnt how to mark maths exam papers correctly (could be useful). Met other maths teachers, who were very friendly – and not at all boring. Bit worried about the one who blew me a kiss across the table, though. His name was Keith. The tutor (a lady from England who grows her own vegetables and has three dogs and seven grandchildren) got us working in groups marking last year’s Pure Mathematics 1 exam paper. I worked with Sophie from Shenzhen, Iris from Guangzhou, and (unfortunately) Keith from California. Didn’t always see eye–to–eye with all of them – particularly Keith, who had this habit of touching my arm whenever he made a point.

  I wanted to give candidates gold stars for neat hand–writing, but Iris and Keith said we had to stick to the rules (boring). Sophie was much more easy–going, and said she would give me a gold star for my marking any time. How sweet! She later told me about some hot–springs nearby where she often goes after work. “We usually swim Au Natural,” she said. I was impressed – I’m not a natural swimmer at all. But apparently, she was speaking French, and this meant going starkers! “Okay,” I said, “But no photographs.”

  Sunday 17

  Second and last day of our course. Went swimming in the hot springs last night. Felt a teeny bit embarrassed sitting in the water wearing nothing but my birthday suit waiting for Sophie and her friends to turn up. When they eventually arrived they all had their swimming costumes on! It was the traditional ‘wind–up the foreign teacher’ gag. I stayed cross–legged in the water for over an hour praying for them to leave before I crept out the pool.

  Sophie sat next to me in class today, and burst out laughing every time I looked at her, so I stopped doing that. Keith was wearing a cologne which I think was called ‘Come and Get Me’; and Iris and I continued to work hard on the projects, with a disapproving frown anytime anyone else stopped work to chat.

  When it was time to say goodbye and go home, we all exchanged business cards. I proudly pointed out my Chinese name, Ruo Zhi, which made the Chinese teachers very happy. Even Iris couldn’t stop laughing. Nice to cheer them up.

  On the plane home I sat next to Big Ron, whilst Klaus and Google were deep in conversation (about ‘Magneto–hydro–dynamics’ or something). Actually, Ron’s a really nice guy – desperate to find a wife in China. Told him about the five kwai marriage and nine kwai divorce deal, and he was really interested. “Does that include tax?” he asked. “No, but it does include service,” I said.

  Arrived back in Shanghai quite late. Julie was fast asleep, so didn’t wake her. Another day, another yuan tomorrow.

  Monday 18

  Filled Julie in on the Guangzhou trip after work today. Asked her first if she was recording our conversation. She said she was, so decided to be careful what I said.

  “How did Google enjoy the trip?” she asked.

  “Google? Which Google is that?”

  “How many people do you know called Google?”

  I thought for a moment, counting on my fingers. “Er, one.”

  “So?”

  “Dunno, we didn’t really talk... I think she mostly chatted with Klaus – really into all that German technology. Oh, is that the time – I really should go to bed, busy day tomorrow…”

  “It’s only six–thirty,” she pointed out.

  “Yeah, but I’ve got to write my blog…”

  Tuesday 19

  Not a good day at school. Julie told her English class that she wants a baby, and three students volunteered to help. Then she said, “No, no – with my boyfriend,” at which they naturally said, “Who’s your boyfriend?”

  Now she could have said anything: Richard Branson, Winston Churchill, Mickey Mouse, or mind your own business. But no, she had to tell the truth – and the conversation went like this (apparently):

  “Simon …” she said.

  “You mean Ruo Zhi?” they said.

  “Who’s Ruo Zhi?” she said.

  “It’s Simon – our maths teacher.”

  “Why do you call him Ruo Zhi?”

  They got a bit embarrassed at this point and didn’t want to say; but Julie wouldn’t let it go.

  “Cut the crap, guys – what does Ruo Zhi mean?”

  “Er… ‘IQ of Zero’, Miss.”

  Well ha–bloody–ha. The worse thing is that Julie replied, “What a brilliant name!” And she couldn’t stop laughing.

  Anyone want to buy one thousand business cards… special price?

  Wednesday 20

  My students were very quiet today. They knew I’d lost a lot of face – or mianzi, as they call it here. One lad told me that my Chinese name was a
ctually a compliment, like calling a big guy ‘Tiny’. So calling me ‘Zero IQ’ really means I am very intelligent. Makes sense. He did suggest I take the name off my business cards though.

  I’m a bit worried about Julie. Her references to babies are getting more and more frequent. What shall I do? Probably a good idea to talk it over with Mum – I’ll give her a ring on Friday.

  Thursday 21

  I hadn’t seen Google since we came back from Guangzhou, so invited her for a coffee at school after lunch. Had a few things to talk about.

  “Do you want to have a baby?” I asked. She looked a bit shocked.

  “I don’t think I know you well enough,” she said.

  I explained that I meant with her future husband, not yours truly, and she looked relieved. “Yes, of course – every Chinese girl wants a child.” I asked her why. “Babies are beautiful, and it’s something to play with when you get bored with your husband.”

  I don’t know what she said after that because I went into a sort of weird dream. I could see Google’s lips moving, but all I heard in my head were the words, ‘bored, bored, bored…’ Was Julie bored with me? Was that why she went off to Portugal with Paulo, and now goes up to Beijing? Is a helpless infant who can’t talk, cries all night, throws up, wets the bed and poops its pants, more interesting than me? Don’t answer that.

  Friday 22

  Gave Mum a call at 10 a.m. this morning – didn’t want to call too early in case she was having a lie–in. (I think this sort of consideration is one of my strongest points.)

  “Hi Mum, it’s me.”

  “Simon?” she said. “Do you know what time it is?”

  That’s my Mum all right – still thinks I’m a little kid. So I played along with her.

  “Yes Mum – the big hand’s on the twelve, and the little hand’s on the ten… so it must be ten o’clock!”

  “For god’s sake Simon – that’s in China! It’s two in the morning here.”

  Oops! Phoned her back eight hours later when I got home from school.

  “I just wanted to ask a question about Julie, Mum. She’s always talking about babies – and I think she wants one. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Are you wearing protection, Simon?”

  Here she goes again – always the mother looking after her young son.

  “Yes Mum, I’m being a good little boy.”

  “Well, she’s never going to have a baby with you then, is she?”

  She had a point.

  “But I’m not sure I’m ready to be a father...”

  “Then she’ll find someone else who is ready… women do that. Grow up Simon.”

  Saturday 23

  A bit down after my conversation with Mum yesterday. But hey, it’s the weekend! I’d had enough of baby talk – so invited Big Ron and Klaus for a boys’ night out down the pub this evening – with football, pool and beer. Yeah, bring it on!

  Ron suggested a bar he knew called Jane’s downtown, so we headed off there. Nice place. All the waitresses were good looking girls with big smiles, big personalities, and big… I love Julie, of course, but it’s so nice to spend some quality time with the guys.

  “This is a great place, Ron – and the girls seem to know you pretty well!” I said.

  “Yeah… discovered it a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been coming here ever since.”

  “Who’s the one who keeps looking over at us? She’s cute…” I was talking to Ron as he took his shot on the pool table. He completely missed the ball.

  “Ah…” he said, looking up, “that’s Venus.”

  “Earth’s mysterious sister,” said Klaus. “What secrets does she hold?”

  “You remember when you told us all about that five yuan marriage deal, Simon?” How could I forget. “Well, I’ve paid my five yuan and that’s my girl!”

  We didn’t know what to say – except…“You’re married?” The big grin on the big man seemed to confirm that he was. “Well congratulations!” Beers all round.

  Whilst Ron was away chatting to Venus, Klaus and I had a heart–to–heart talk. I was in for a shock. “Simon,” he said, “I have to tell you some–zing. I hope it’s not inappropriate or out of order.”

  “Shoot,” I said, “we’re mates, aren’t we? What’s up?”

  “I’m in love with Julie.”

  “Come again? You mean my Julie?” he nodded. “But, but... you can’t be!”

  “Why not? She’s beautiful, she looks and talks like a German, and we share the same interests.”

  “You do?” Was I dreaming? This couldn’t be true.

  “Yah, we both like collecting coins.” Well, I know that’s true about Julie – she likes collecting bank notes as well… usually mine. Then he dropped the bombshell.

  “Last night, Julie und I had sex – in my bed.” This was unbelievable. Astonishment is putting it mildly – particularly as Julie spent last night with me (well, I think it was Julie). But Klaus had not finished. “It was the most wonderful moment of my life… und when I woke up, I knew I vos in love.”

  “Woke up? So this was just a dream!”

  “You may call it a dream, Simon; but I believe our two Souls were united in unearthly bliss.”

  (Note to self: ask Julie where her Soul was last night.)

  Sunday 24

  Wanted to talk to Julie about Klaus when I got home, but she was fast asleep. Just hope her Soul wasn’t having it off with Klaussie in a distant galaxy.

  When I woke, she was already up, and I found her in the living room cupping a coffee, looking wistfully out of the window.

  “Julie, I’ve got something to ask you…” I said seriously, “it’s important.” Suddenly I noticed I hadn’t tied one of my shoelaces and bent down to fix it.

  The next thing I knew she was kissing me all over, saying, “Oh, yes, yes, yes – I do, I do!” Then she stopped and looked at me quizzically. “You do love me, don’t you Simon?” I thought for a moment.

  “Why wouldn’t I love you?” I replied.

  “Then yes – I do want to get married. Let’s do it soon.”

  What could I say? Not exactly what I had planned, but it’s nice to see her happy. And old Klaussie has no chance now. In your dreams, mate.

  Monday 25

  I feel at home with creative people. English is my first love (don’t tell Julie that). Everyone was at the Writers’ group meeting tonight – Anton (intellectual stuff), Melissa (dark earthy fiction), Maddy (book on Sydney),Toni (artist & poet), Julie and me. Maddy began by telling us all about the guy she met when she travelled to Australia on holiday a few years ago. Apparently, they met climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It was the first time she’d ever climbed anything so high, and she was petrified – as well as feeling rather nauseous. He was very comforting, having climbed lots of bridges and several mountains. She ended up throwing up all over him, and the rest – they say – is history. She’s calling the book ‘Love at First Height’. A good yarn, I thought, though the others spotted little things I’d completely missed (27 spelling mistakes, 19 grammatical errors, 7 historical inaccuracies, and 2 blatant lies).

  Julie then gave us copies of ‘Love in Beijing’ to read. I thought it was going to be a book, but apparently she’d told me it was novel, rather than it’s a novel. She was right.

  Love in Beijing, by Julie Bucket.

  Airport counters

  Fucking headaches

  Tiresome routines

  Fucking headaches.

  Plastic smiles

  And plastic forks.

  Planes landing

  Hearts beating.

  Belligerent Beijing

  History meets the Future.

  Forbidden City,

  Forbidden Love

  False promises,

  False pretences.

  Please take me home.

  I noticed that Julie had dropped the name J.K. Rowling. She said it’s because young children might read her work, and it could upset them. Can�
�t think why. People really liked her poem about Beijing though, and Melissa and Maddy encouraged her to write about other Chinese cities. She was dead pleased with that idea. “Oh, we can explore China together, Simon – and I can write on the way home!”

  Toni was going to read a poem inspired by his painting of Julie, but said the picture wasn’t quite finished. Could she come round this weekend for a touch up, he asked.

  Tuesday 26

  Big excitement at school this week. All the kids are getting ready for Halloween – making costumes, carving pumpkins, etc. I’m thinking of going as Freddy from ‘Nightmare on Elm Street.’

  Really getting the hang of this maths teaching now. It’s great to have the answers in the back of the textbooks to check your own. Though I have to say I’ve found a few incorrect solutions in the book. When I say ‘a few’, I mean close to a hundred. I’m thinking of writing to the Publishers to let them know – I’m sure they’ll appreciate that.

  Dr Wang has been encouraging the maths teachers to observe each others’ lessons as part of our professional development, so I’m taking a look at old Klaussie’s tomorrow.

  Wednesday 27

  Met Big Ron for coffee after lunch, and had a good chat about marriage. I wanted to know what it was like being hooked. “Well,” he said, ”for starters, everything’s on tap!” He gave me a nudge with his elbow that nearly threw me out of the coffee bar window. “And, I don’t have to do any cooking, washing or cleaning.” I was impressed.

  “It sounds like you’ve died and gone to heaven!” (Guess who does all that in our household? I’ll give you a clue: it’s not Julie.)

  “And with two incomes, you must be in the money too, big man?” He started to say something, but then closed his mouth. Thought for a second, then said.

  “In life, it’s always give and take. A week after we got married, Venus asked me to give her my salary every month...”

  “What, all of it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “She said she’s better at managing money than me. Of course, at first I said ‘no way...’”

  “Too right!” I said finishing my coffee. “That’s just an insane joke…”

  “But then, it seemed to make sense… and she’s been so good to me...”

  “You give her everything?” he nodded. “Shit!”

  Apparently, he gives her his entire income every month, and she gives him some spending money every week. But not enough to buy all the beer he’d like. Poor bloke!

  Took a look at one of Klaussie’s Physics lessons this afternoon. Wow! I was very impressed – this guy’s a real teacher! Definitely knows his Physics – and can do the maths too. Afterwards I asked him what his secret was.

  “Teach what you know, and teach what you don’t,” he said.

  “How can I teach what I don’t know?” I asked.

  “Find out about it,” he answered.

  Klaus has just gone up ten places in my rankings, despite being German.

  Thursday 28

  Talked to Julie in bed last night about Big Ron and Venus. “God, she’s died and gone to heaven, hasn’t she?” Julie said. Perhaps not such a good idea to have mentioned that.

  Since the Writers meeting, Julie’s been planning her trips around China, starting with a city called Xi’an, where they have thousands of clay figures. According to what she said, these ‘Terracotta Warriors’ are over two thousand years old. Prefer to see new stuff personally, but I said I’d go with her. Unfortunately, she wants to fly. Hope she doesn’t upset anyone.

  Phoned Dad after school to see how things were going. He told me he’s thinking of coming over to China to see Julie & me at Christmas! Fantastic! He’s bringing Tara too – hurrah!

  Friday 29

  Oh my god! Received a postcard when I got home from work – it was from Mum. She’s coming over to China for Christmas! Unbelievable! Said she wanted to surprise me, but also wanted to make sure I’d be in Shanghai – hence the postcard. Worse still, she’s booked her tickets already – and she’s coming with Donald the dentist!

  Fortunately, though, Jules has come to the rescue again with one of her brilliant brainwaves: she’ll take Dad and Tara on a trip to Xi’an for a few days, while I show Mum and Donald around Shanghai. Then we’ll swap. That way, they’ll all see Julie and me, and Shanghai, but not each other. Excellent! Oh, I do love Julie so much – and perhaps I’ll have to marry her one day after all... but there’s no rush.

  Going into school on Sunday evening for the kids’ Halloween party.

  Saturday 30

  Couldn’t keep my eyes off Google yesterday. Every time she came into the teachers’ office I got totally distracted from my lesson planning. I think I might be falling in love.

  After work, wandered in a love–torn haze over to my favourite restaurant near the school. Totally empty (the restaurant, and my stomach), and I sat down to order. But there was something new on today’s menu. An attractive young Chinese girl came in, said something to the waitress, and sat at my table! “Ni hao,” she said.

  “Ni hao…,” I replied carefully. The staff seemed bemused. My waitress asked if this arrangement was okay. “Mei wenti,” I said, which I’ve now learned means ‘no problem’.

  So we both ordered and Daisy (her name apparently) had the same as me. I asked what she did for a living. She didn’t understand, so I said, “Wo shi Laoshi,” (I’m a teacher).

  “Oh, teacher!” she exclaimed.

  I nodded. “Ni ne?” I said (and you?) Really getting into this lingo now.

  “Dancer,” she said, demonstrating her profession in her chair.

  “Oh,” I said, “and where do you dance?”

  “Where would you like me to dance?” she asked. This was getting interesting.

  “You mean, you’d dance for me personally?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she replied. “Would you like to come to my home?

  At this point, I started to get a bit of a stiff leg (I think it was my leg). Must have been the anticipation of all that dancing. Then I had one of those moments where a crossroads suddenly appears, and you have to decide which path to take. (Personally, I prefer roundabouts.)

  “And where is home?” I asked.

  “Over there.” she said, pointing towards an apartment block opposite. The restaurant staff were very interested now (I think they had bets on whether or not I’d go with her). I hesitated for a moment, waiting for inspiration. Then I suddenly remembered that age–old saying: ‘He who hesitates is a loser.’

  “Why not?” I said, switching off my mobile phone.

  (Note to self: delete, delete, delete this entry.)

  Sunday 31

  Just for the record, nothing happened on Friday night. Nothing at all – de nada, zilch. When I got home that night, Julie was still out – another session with one of her private English students, she said when she got back. She works so hard that girl. I did ask her how it went, but she said “He’s a private student, Simon – don’t you ever listen? I can’t reveal someone’s private business, can I?” So that put me in my place. But at least she didn’t ask me about my evening. Not that anything happened, of course…

  We both had a lie in on Saturday then I did the weekly washing, cleaning and shopping. I did ask Julie if she’d like to help, but she said she had an awful lot to do that day, and would be extremely busy. I noted that ‘extremely busy’ meant lying on the sofa, reading magazines and watching DVDs. How I do envy Big Ron sometimes... though at least Julie’s never asked me to give her all my salary. Not yet anyway.

  I felt very uneasy for the rest of the day. I love Julie, but I’m scared of making that big commitment. I know it’s only five kwai to get married (about fifty pence), but it’s the consequences that scare the pants off me. Am I giving up my freedom for the rest of my life? What’s next, a baby? (I’ve just remembered our trip to the Expo: oh yes – definitely a baby.) Am I ready for sleepless nights, bed–wetting, nappy–ch
anging, and no sex? After some thought, decided this was too big a decision to make on my own – I needed help from a higher power. So, heads I marry Julie, tails I don’t…

  I flipped the coin in the air, and let it fall onto the beautiful wooden floor in our apartment. It spun round a couple of times before coming to a long and noisy stop. I peered down to see the result, and that’s when I realised for the first time that there are no heads on Chinese coins.