Last Goodbye

by Holly C. Webb

  “Where is she?” He asked, looking like he was ready to pull the place apart, just to find her.

  “She’s in there,” I explained, but quickly added. “But they won’t let you in there. I managed to get in for a few minutes, but then I was told I needed to wait out here. Actually, they wanted me to go to some room, but there was no way I was leaving her. Not again.”

  Before he could reply, the doors opened and the medical team came rushing out of the room, pushing Cassie’s gurney as they did. She was now unconscious and had a tube in her mouth, and I had no idea what to think.

  “Where are you taking her?” Will asked the moment he spotted them.

  “We need to take her to x-ray,” Doctor Bridges explained. “She was having some difficulty breathing, so we sedated her, and intubated her. At least until we know what is going on with her.”

  “Can we come with her?” Will asked, giving the doctor a hopeful look.

  “Will,” Doctor Bridges said, and I already knew what her response is going to be. “Right now, the best thing you can do for Cassie is let us take care of her. I promise, she is in good hands.”

  “Okay,” Will nodded as his shoulders slumped, before he turned to look down at Cassie on the gurney. “I’m here, Sweetheart. So is Evan. We’ll be right here waiting for you.”

  He kissed her on the forehead before stepping back and we both watched as they rushed her down the hallway.

  “This can’t be happening,” Will whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear it. “I can’t lose her; not yet.”

  “You’re not going to lose her,” I said, knowing that right at that moment, I needed to be stronger for him. That’s what Cassie would want me to do. “She is going to fight this. She is not a quitter.”

  “What if she can’t?” He asked, giving me a look that said he’d already accepted that she was not going to make it. I don’t know why, but this made me so angry.

  “You cannot give up on her,” I hissed under my breath as I stepped closer to him, looking him straight in the eye. “She has always been the one who looked after you. When her mom left, you fell apart, and she had to grow up, because she needed to take care of you. You don’t get to fall apart this time. She is going to be fine. And you are going to be there for her. You don’t get to give up on her.”

  Will just stared at me, a look of shock on his face.

  Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I knew I needed to get out of there, and I needed to do it fast. Without waiting for Will to reply to me, I pushed past him, and hurried down the corridor, heading straight for the exit.

  I barely made it to the outside, when my stomach heaved, and I knew I was going to be sick. I rushed to a nearby trashcan and threw up until there was nothing left inside of me.

  “Sir are you okay,” a nurse, who was by the door, asked as she came rushing towards me.

  “Yeah,” I said as I stood up straight, and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “I’m good, thanks. I got this.”

  “Okay,” she said, giving me a smile before she turned and headed back towards the door.

  I spotted a bench just down a little from the entrance to the hospital. I took a deep breath, before I walked down to it and sat down. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts before I went back inside.

  I knew I would have to face Will again. I thought about what I had just said to him and already I regretted my words. He was just scared; just as scared as I was. I wished now I could take it all back.

  I just felt so tired. I closed my eyes and dropped my face down into my hands, wishing right at that moment, I could go to sleep and forget all about this nightmare for a few minutes.

  I heard a noise beside me and sensed someone sitting down next to me. Something told me it was Will, but I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t have the energy to fight with him any longer.

  “Do you think I was a bad father?” He finally asked, Surprising me with his question. I knew I had hurt him with what I had said. “Does Cassie?”

  “Of course you’re not a bad father,” I said, lifting my head finally, before turning to him. “And Cass loves you more than anything in this world.”

  “But I didn’t step up when her mom left,” Will sighed, and it was more an admission than a question. “I know I didn’t. I know Cassie had to grow up so fast. That has been my biggest regret.”

  “Maybe she had to grow up,” I said, knowing I needed to make this right somehow. “But you always did your best for her too. She was happy. And I had no right to say the things I said back there. I was just upset, so I lashed out.”

  “Maybe,” he shrugged, but then he gave me a half-smile. “But it doesn’t mean you were wrong. I know I fell apart when Cassie’s mom left. In some ways, I was still a kid myself back then. We got pregnant with Cassie so young. Her mom was nineteen, I had just turned twenty. What I knew about raising a baby was exactly nothing and we had no one to turn to, because my mom had died when I was a kid, and my dad, well he wasn’t a very nice man. Laura’s parents didn’t want us to keep the baby. Her father insisted she have a termination, but Laura refused. So, they kicked her out, they refused to help us. They wouldn’t even talk to her. It broke her heart. So, I worked hard and made a life for us. And I loved Cass the minute she was born. But the truth was, Laura struggled to be the mom Cassie, needed. Oh, she tried, but she was still just so young, and she didn’t think she was good enough. She thought Cassie would be better off without her. So, I found myself alone, literally, at twenty-six with a little girl who now had no mom and a dad who didn’t know his ass from his elbow. If it wasn’t for your folks, I honestly don’t know what would have happened to Cassie and me back then. I wish so much that things had been better for her growing up.”

  “Cassie was happy, Will,” I assured him, once more regretting my harsh words. “Okay, she worried about you all the time, but she was still happy. She loves you so much.”

  “Evan,” he said as he looked up at me with tears in my eyes. “She is my life. If I lose her…”

  “You won’t,” I stopped him, wishing that I believe the words myself. “You can’t give up on her. I know you’re scared, because I’m terrified too. I can’t imagine living in a world where she doesn’t exist. So, I am choosing to believe that she will fight this, and everything is going to be okay.”

  “Okay,” Will said, giving me a smile. “I am going to choose to believe that too.”

  “Good,” I replied, smiling back. “Now, how about we go find her, and make sure she believes it too.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” he said with a smile as we both stood up. We walked slowly back towards the door side by side. “Thanks, Evan.”

  “Anytime,” I replied, giving him another big smile.

  Chapter 18

  Cassie

  When I took a deep breath, it felt like I’d been punched in the chest, repeatedly. My head hurt and so did my throat. What the hell had happened to me?

  “Ouch,” I moaned as I slowly began to stretch out my arms and legs, taking care not to make any sudden movements.

  “Cass,” Evan’s voice crashed into my head and instantly I opened my eyes. When I did, I was rewarded with the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. “Hi there.”

  “Hey,” I croaked, my throat hurting me as I tried to talk. I had no idea why it was so sore, but it felt like I’d swallowed razor blades.

  “Welcome back,” Evan said as he brought my hand to his lips and gave it a kiss. “You gave us quite a scare again. You know this is becoming a habit.”

  “What happened?” I asked, having no clue why I was suddenly back in a hospital bed, and I was fairly sure I was back in hospital in L.A. “What am I doing here?”

  “You had pneumonia, which was complicated by a PE,” Evan explained. “It was touch and go for a little while, but you’re doing so much better now. Once Doctor Bridges got you stable enough, you were transferred back to UCLA by helicopter. Like I said, you had us all really scared.”

&n
bsp; “What’s a PE?” I asked, knowing I had heard it mentioned before, but my brain was still too foggy to remember what the letters stood for.

  “A pulmonary embolism,” Evan quickly explained. “But it’s gone now.”

  “How long was I asleep?” I asked realising by how tired Evan looked, that it was probably more than a few hours.

  “Almost a week,” he replied, giving me a smile once more, but I could see he was still upset. “But the pneumonia in under control and they managed to take care of the PE with medication. So, you’re going to be just fine.”

  Something told me there was more that he wasn’t telling me, and right at that moment, I felt too tired to push him for what that something was. I knew whatever it was he was holding back; I would find out sooner rather than later.

  My mouth was so dry; I needed a sip of water, or anything to relieve the thirst. I looked around the room.

  “Do you need something, Cass?” Evan asked, instantly reading my body language.

  “I’m really thirsty,” I whispered, letting my eyes meet his once more. He was almost unrecognisable, like he’d been to hell and back in the last few days.

  “I’ll get you some water,” he said as he instantly stood up, and walked to the sideboard in my room, where there was a fresh jug of water and a glass sitting on top of it. He poured some water, then slipped a straw into it, before he turned back to me. “Just take little sips, okay. Your throat might still be sore from the breathing tube.”

  A breathing tube? I thought to myself. Jesus, what the hell happened to me while I was out?

  Then I remembered about my hair, and I instinctively reached and touched my head, releasing a breath of relief when I found I was wearing one of my scarves. It wasn’t that I was that upset about my hair, I just thought being bald somehow made me look sicker. The scarf seemed to make that a little bit better.

  “Don’t worry,” Evan said, giving me a knowing smile. “I made sure they put your scarf back on. Now, drink your water.”

  I took a sip of water, the whole time my eyes never leaving Evan. Something was very wrong.

  “Evan,” I said, my voice cracking once more. “Are you okay?”

  “Me!” He exclaimed as he set the water down on my bedside table. “I think I should be asking you that.”

  “You look… upset,” I replied, still not taking my eyes from him.

  “I’m just tired, Cass,” he replied, but his cheeks flushed, and I knew he was lying. I wanted to push him more, but right at that moment, I decided that maybe ignorance was bliss.

  “Where’s my dad?” I whispered, knowing that there was no way my dad wasn’t around here somewhere. If Evan was this upset, I could only imagine what my father, the natural born worrier, was like.

  “He just went to get some coffee,” Evan replied with a tired sighed, as he softly stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, his eyes never leaving mine. “He should be back soon.”

  As if on cue, the door opened to my room and Dad appeared, carrying two cups of coffee. The moment he saw I was awake; the biggest smile filled his face. But even through his smile, I could see tiredness in his face too.

  “Well it’s about time you woke up, Miss,” he said as he hurried into the room, setting down the coffee before he made his way up to the bed, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “It’s so good to see your beautiful eyes again, Sweetheart. How are you feeling?”

  “Like I’ve been hit by a steamroller,” I replied weakly, looking up into his eyes. That something that was in Evan’s eyes, was in my father’s eyes too. “Is…is everything okay?”

  “It is now, Sweetheart,” my dad replied, kissing my head once more.

  I opened my mouth to push him once more, as curiosity got the better of me, but before I could, the door opened once more, and Doctor Altman walked onto my room.

  “You’re awake!” he exclaimed as he walked towards my bed and picked up my chart. “I was starting to think you had gotten entirely too comfortable in that bed. I’m so glad to have you back in the land of the living”

  “I assure you,” I croaked as I tried to push myself up in the bed a little more. “That is most certainly not the case. I’m ready to go home, Doctor.”

  “I’m sure you are,” Doctor Altman laughed as he moved further around the bed and sat down on the side of it. “So, Cassie, how are you feeling. And I’d like the truth, young lady. Not the version where you tell me you’re fine, just so you can go home.”

  “I feel like I’ve been through hell and back,” I replied honestly, giving him a smile, but a sinking feeling formed deep inside me. I knew I wasn’t just transferred here because of pneumonia. Something was wrong. “And now you’re going to tell me more crappy news; aren’t you?”

  “Cassie,” he said reaching for my hand. “The Chemo isn’t working as well as we would have hoped. Normally we would wait until after the third round of chemo was finished before we’d make any big decision on your treatment, but after the pneumonia and the PE, it’s clear your body is just not handling the chemo very well, and there is no significant improvement in your blood work to justify putting you through any more treatment.”

  “Okay,” I replied, but my heart was now hammering rapidly in my chest. “So, what now?”

  “Well,” he sighed, giving me another smile. “We have a couple of options. We can give you a break for a few weeks, give your body a chance to recover, then try the chemo again. We can try a different treatment plan, but there are no guarantees we won’t end up right back here.”

  “Okay,” I replied, trying to take in what he was saying without falling apart completely. “And if I don’t want to do that?”

  “Our other choice is,” he continued, taking a deep breath. “We try a stem cell transplant, or bone marrow transplant as most people call it.”

  “And what does that mean?” I asked, hoping this was the miracle I was hoping for.

  “Cassie, I’m not going to lie to you,” Doctor Altman continued. “This is not going to be easy. You would have to stay here in the hospital, you will probably be here for weeks. We would have to prepare your body for the transplant by stripping away your immune system. That in itself can be dangerous. There are so many things that can go wrong. We would use a milder chemo and mix that with radiation treatment. And of course, we would have to find a suitable donor. The truth is, if we do this, you will become a whole lot sicker, before you become better.”

  “I see,” I said, taking a deep breath, knowing right now that falling apart wasn’t really an answer. “How long would it take to find a donor?”

  “That’s the tricky part,” the doctor sighed, and it was at that exact moment, I knew I was in big trouble. “Your blood type is rare, so finding an exact match is going to be hard. But this isn’t like a heart or kidney transplant, we can go with a partial match, but that would reduce the chances of success significantly. Ideally, we need someone who is an exact match to you.”

  “I can be tested, right?” Dad asked, giving him a hopeful look. “I mean, I’m her father, I should be a match, right?”

  “Of course,” Doctor Altman replied. “The more people we test, the better chance we have to find a suitable donor, though a family member would be best. They often give the best results, but it’s not a must.”

  “We’ll all get tested,” Evan said, as he reached out and took my hand once more, squeezing it tightly as tears danced in his eyes. “I will, I know Mom and Dad will. So will Mike, Riley and Travis get tested too. We can ask everyone we know.”

  “Evan,” I said, giving him a grateful smile, wishing so much I could say something to take away his fear right at that moment. “I know they will. Everything is going to be okay. Isn’t that right, Doctor?”

  “We’re going to do everything we can,” Doctor Altman replied. “But right now, I need you to rest. We can’t do anything until you’re well again. And that means bed rest and lots of sleep. We need you to build your strength back up again. In the meantim
e, I will organise the testing for a donor to begin, so if you could give me a list of people who might be willing…”

  “I will call everyone and tell them to get here immediately,” Evan said, matter-of-factly. “That you need them all to do this…”

  “But you can’t just make them do it, Evan,” I said, wrapping my other hand around his. “I don’t want anyone to think they have no choice in this. I would never ask anyone to do something they weren’t comfortable doing.”

  “But you need this,” Evan insisted, and I knew he had been thinking this over in his head for a while now. “I need this because I need you to be okay, Cassie.”

  “And I will be,” I assured him, giving him a smile. “We will find a donor, and we will beat this. Just please, stop worrying. Right now, I just need you here with me. I need you to love me.”

  “I do,” he said, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing it once more. “I always will.”

  “I will leave you alone,” Doctor Altman said, standing up from the bed. “I will be back in the morning to check on you. In the meantime, I need you to get some rest.”

  “I will,” I replied, giving him a grateful smile. “I promise.”

  “Good,” he said, before he turned and walked towards the door. “Will, there is some paperwork we need filled out to get this moving. If you want to come with me, I will get the nurse to go through them with you. It shouldn’t take too long.”

  “Sure,” Dad said, standing up from his chair. He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead once more. “I won’t be long, Sweetie.”

  “Okay, Dad,” I replied, giving him a smile, before he hurried out of the room, leaving me alone with Evan once more.

  The moment the door closed behind my dad, Evan stood up and climbed up onto the bed next to me. He quickly wrapped his arms around me, kissing me on the top of my head.

  “I’ve missed you,” he whispered as he held me closer to him. “Which is stupid because you were right here and I never left your side, but you weren’t, if that makes sense.”