by Nicole Thorn
“I’m dead. Whatever you did… you didn’t bring all of me back.” I felt stuck between states. Not alive, not dead. Just in-between. Not belonging anywhere.
“Where were you?” Poppy asked without making eye contact. She rung out the rag in her hand and drained some of the dirty water in the bath to fill it with clean water.
“Hell,” I said with no inflection. “I was in a state of purgatory because of how I died. But it wasn’t forever.” My voice grew sad. “I could have gone to Heaven. They promised it was peaceful…”
Oswald burst through the door. “What? You were in Hell?”
“Oswald!” the girls screamed, but Poppy kept talking. “Get out. She’s naked.”
He shrugged. “Nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Baths when we were five don’t count,” she said.
“I don’t care.” I waved my hand.
“Fine!” Poppy turned her head back. “Sit in the corner.”
He did.
I filled them in on everything that happened to me since I died, leaving out how I had been in a state of relative peace. I didn’t need to make them feel worse than I already did.
They didn’t know what I was. They couldn’t tell me much other than they brought me back. I had to go through this new life not knowing what I was or how exactly I could live without a heartbeat.
“My coffin,” I said as the girls got me out of the bath. “I screamed, and it split open.”
Elisa grinned. “You got the power too. Good. I wasn’t sure. We all have something in us now, some source of power that we can tap into. The possibilities are endless.”
“How do we use them?”
She rocked back on her heels. “Not quite sure yet. It took us a whole five months to get the spell to bring you back right.”
Five months. I had been for dead five months. Not so bad.
They picked out some clothes for me to wear. It was December, but they gave me shorts and a t-shirt.
“What now?” Poppy asked.
Elisa’s hand went to her hip. “I can’t bring her to my house. My parents—no one—can know she’s alive. If they find out, who knows what’ll happen.”
“So just keep her away from people she knows?” Oswald asked. “Shouldn’t be too hard. This is a huge city. Odds are no one’ll recognize her.”
“One of the many benefits of only having three friends.” I shrugged. “I can stay here. I wouldn’t mind being in my old room. All of my stuff is here.” I looked around again.
“You can stay at our apartment,” Poppy told me.
“You guys moved in together?” I looked from her to Oswald. What else did I miss?
“Yeah.” He nodded. “A month ago. Dad said he’ll pay for it as long as I get all B’s or above in school.”
College. This life grew more and more detached from who I left behind. I didn’t think the girl I used to be was still inside of me. I didn’t feel real. I felt like a ghost.
***
For two days I’d been trying to make believe I wasn’t a zombie. Just a corpse walking around trying to be human.
I didn’t know if I even wanted to be alive. I missed the peace that came with being dead. Even living in Hell, I was finished. I had been okay with it. Heaven was a short decade away and now I didn’t even know if I could get in. Would I be punished for this? As if this wasn’t a punishment…
I wanted so badly to care, to feel something. I just didn’t.
“We should go out,” Elisa suggested as I went through my things. I wanted to get rid of the stuff that I didn’t need. The less I had, the better. Being dead put what you could and couldn’t live without into perspective.
“Where?” I asked.
“Dunno. Maybe the bookstore. Then lunch.”
“Sounds good.” Oswald grinned at me.
I did in fact eat. Shortly after I woke up after that first night, I felt my stomach ache with a familiar pain. Then I ate three boxes of cookies n’ cream Poptarts. And a two-liter of Dr. Pepper.
“Are you okay with that?” Poppy asked.
I shrugged. “Sure.”
I went to my top drawer on my dresser and crossed my fingers. “I wonder…” I opened it. I pulled out my Union Jack wallet and opened it. It still had the few hundred left over from my graduation cards. Thank God I didn’t open a bank account, or that money wouldn’t have been mine anymore.
“Cool.” Elisa walked over to me. “You’ve still got your license.”
“Too bad a dead girl’s license don’t mean a thing.” I put the wallet in my pocket.
We got into Oswald’s car and headed for a bookstore that I’d never been to. It was huge. Something that I should have loved. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t care.
I felt like my insides had been scooped out, leaving nothing of who I used to be.
Poppy took my hand and dragged me into the store. It smelled like old books.
“Where to first?” Oswald asked, and Poppy shot him a look. “Sorry, biographies.” I guess one thing hadn’t changed.
“Annie and I will be in the occult section.” Elisa took my hand from Poppy, and started walking me.
“Wait,” I said. “I don’t really wanna do that. I’ll be in the…” I looked around. “Comics section.” I started walking and thankfully no one followed.
I didn’t want more darkness in my life.
I glanced at the brightly colored comic books and tried to feel… something. Boredom, annoyance, anger. Nothing came. I felt numb. At least I was alone, so I didn’t have to pretend for a little while.
My fingers ran across the glossy covers, and I looked at my bloody knuckles, raw but healing. Faster than I thought they would. I just wish when I closed my eyes, I didn’t still taste earth in my mouth.
“I’m partial to the Batman ones myself,” a voice from behind me said. He had a Scottish accent, I noticed.
I turned, and my eyes met a man’s. His eyes were a stunning shade of green. Deep and dark with a ring of black around the edge. His dark brown hair was somewhere in between messy and neat. Like it just knew how to fall on its own. It wasn’t too long, only a few inches. His face was something that could have been considered traditionally attractive, but I couldn’t feel much for it right then. Elisa might have thought he was cute. The leather jacked felt like a little too much for me.
When I regained the ability to speak I said, “I’m more of a Captain America girl.”
A dark eyebrow went up and he put his hands behind his back. “Are you now? Why’s that?”
I don’t know. Why are you talking to me?
“Because I like that his motives are pure. He just wants to keep his country safe, because that’s who he is.”
The corner of his soft looking lips went up. “Are you suggesting that Batman has impure motives?”
I shook my head. “No, but he’d never be what he is if his parents weren’t murdered. Bruce Wayne died that day and Batman was born. Steve Rogers was always brave and selfless. He just finally got the means to do something about it.”
The man had a full smile now. “You have a problem with rebirths?”
My smile vanished. “Sometimes. If the person being reborn wants it, then no. But if they could take back what caused it, then yes.”
“Are we still talking about Batman?”
“Yes,” I said. “What else would we be talking about?”
His mouth opened a little and his tongue touched the tip of his canine while he considered me. “Tell me your name.”
“Anastasia,” I said quietly. I didn’t even know if I should’ve been going by my real name. But I didn’t see much harm using it with strangers.
“Ezra.” He held a hand out and I stupidly took it. “Your hands are quite cold.”
Side effect of being a corpse.
He looked at my hands, making me assume he saw the cuts. I yanked them away, but it was too late.
He didn’t comment.
“I should go.” I somehow managed to not stutter.
“My friends are waiting.” I jabbed my thumb at the air behind me.
“It was nice meeting you, Anastasia,” he said, letting his voice drip with charm.
Yup, I needed to leave.
“You too.” I nodded sharply and almost ran from the boy.
I found Elisa with a handful of books in her arms. “You okay?” she asked me.
“Yeah,” I lied. “I just wanted to let you know I was going to wait around back. I didn’t find anything I wanted.”
“All right. We’ll be out soon,” she told me.
I doubled back and walked past the comics again. The man had gone. I didn’t waste time wondering where. I slipped out the back door to wait for my friends.
Chapter Four: Behind Blue Eyes
Ezra
I snuck outside after the target left. I chose to hide at the back exit of the store. No witnesses. I could do this quick and be home by lunch.
I knew the target’s car had been parked around back, so I had to assume she’d show up soon. I really didn’t want to drag this out. I didn’t get much pleasure killing the young. According to her file, she really didn’t do anything wrong. Stupid? Yes. But not evil or unforgivable.
The back door swung open and the target left. She pressed her forehead against the wall and took several deep breaths.
“Come on,” she whispered. “Be alive, Annie. Please.”
The pain in her voice rang clear. If I had a heart, it would’ve bled for her.
Alas…
I moved quickly and spun her around, using my body to press her to the wall. There was a hint of surprise in her eyes, but not much else. No fear, no pleading.
I pulled my dagger from my side and held it to her side. I knew she could feel the blade nearly cutting into her skin. Still, no fear.
“Do it,” she said, quieter than the wind. “Please.”
Her eyes finally started to plead with me, not for me to spare her life, but to take it. That was a first.
She wanted to be dead. I should have gathered as much from her little speech about rebirths. Anastasia didn’t want this life. It had been given back to her against her will.
It made me hesitate.
I heard the door swing open again and her friends came through.
“Annie!” The one called Elisa shouted when she saw us. She waved her hand and I went flying into a car. “Didn’t anyone tell you that no means no, you creep?”
I struggled to stand. My dagger laid on the ground next to me and I grabbed it.
“That’s not what happened,” the target said to her friend.
“Then what the Hell did happen?”
“You got in the way of my job, little witch,” I said to her.
“Job?” the target asked, hardly interested.
Might as well spill. Her friend clearly wasn’t afraid to use her powers in public.
“Yes. When you were ripped out of Hell, I was sent to bring you back. Ya see, you can’t just undo death. There’s a cost to black magic. Even if your friends paid with the blood of three people to bring you to life.” Or halfway back.
“What?” the target whispered to her friends. “You did what!?” Finally, she let some emotion get out. I just wasn’t aware that she didn’t know the cost of bringing her back.
“We had to!” Elisa shouted. “A life for a life. The first two didn’t work, so we tried again.”
“You… you killed people.”
“For you,” Elisa defended herself.
“Did you think I’d want that? Three people are dead so I can have… whatever the Hell this is.” She gestured to herself.
“But, Annie…” Poppy walked over. “We needed you home.”
“I died. You should have known that death is the end. Did you just get to stage three of grief and think ‘oh, hey, let’s murder three innocent people and hope that our friend comes back?’”
The fury in her eyes, it looked quite beautiful. It suited her much better than the hollow eyes I met earlier.
“We can’t undo it,” Elisa finally said. “Even if we could, I wouldn’t.”
The target just shook her head. Then she turned to me. “And you want to kill me?”
Why the fuck am I still here? I should have left to regroup and come up with a new plan.
“Yes. If you let me, you can resume your sentence. There will be light at the end of your tunnel.”
“Screw that,” Poppy said before she shouted, “Go!”
Three sets of hands went to my target and then the girl vanished.
“Take her!” Elisa screamed at her friends, and then they all scattered.
I didn’t know which way to go. Or really what happened.
I hated witches…
***
They didn’t take her back to her house. She’d been staying there the past few nights, but I had to guess they wanted to keep an eye on her.
I drove back to the loft I rented, and laid on the bed, angry that I let her go.
Because I hesitated.
I’d broken my own rule.
I poured myself a large glass of scotch and crawled back into my bed. I sipped while I tried not to beat myself up for such a stupid mistake. Even though I should. When I messed up, it could cost people—innocent people—their lives. And worse, I could’ve gotten in trouble for it.
I’d never been threatened with it, but I knew that if Lucifer saw fit, he’d send me back to the depths of Hell, where I belonged. Though I deserved it, I didn’t want it.
The next morning, I decided that I needed to do a little recon. Not on the target, but those friends of hers. Those friends who murdered people for her—not that I should’ve judged that. Once upon a time, I killed a lot of people for a girl.
However, these morons hadn’t even been smart enough to dig up Anastasia’s body first. The second my eyes landed on her hands, I knew what happened.
I took off on my motorcycle and went to the apartment complex I found after a few hours research.
Poppy and Benjamin walked hand in hand to his car when I arrived. I stayed out of sight and tailed them until we reached a little restaurant.
I took a seat where they wouldn’t see me, but I could still hear them talk. I needed to know if they made plans to take Anastasia away.
They just talked about school. The boy was in college and the girl took a class or two.
I held back vomit when they sat on the same side of the booth. As if being across from each other was just too far away. I saw their feet lightly kicking around and their fingers stayed tangled up with each other’s. I knew what this was.
Love.
I rolled my eyes.
A waitress came by and asked for my order. I didn’t bother looking at the menu before I asked for a cheeseburger. She left, and I went back to spying.
“She hasn’t been the same,” the boy said. Ah, finally they talked about Anastasia.
“I know. But she’s still adjusting. I knew we should have told her about those people.”
“Elisa said it would upset her. She was right.”
“Lying wouldn’t fix it. I think Elisa just didn’t want her to find out that she was the one who did it.”
The boy sighed. “Maybe. Or maybe she thought that Annie would be upset when she found out that we weren’t that helpful. That first time Elisa handed me the knife… I just couldn’t. Then when she took it from me and cut that guy’s throat…” He swallowed, and Poppy rubbed his back.
“It’s okay. It doesn’t mean we love her less just because neither of us could kill someone.”
“What if Annie was right? What if we really should have left her? She doesn’t want to be here.”
“I’m not sure. I only wanted her back.”
“Me too.”
The road to Hell was paved with good intentions. Though the people they killed might not have deserved death, at least it got Anastasia back. And they only half regretted it.
I shouldn’t have cared about intentions or motivations. All that ma
tters was getting my target. I needed some kind of plan. This turned out to be far more complicated than I thought it would.
The young couple went back to talking about easier topics. Murder and magic must’ve been too much for them. Clearly they needed a break, or they wouldn’t have left their friend that they supposedly missed so much.
I wondered if she was alone, or if her tiny friend kept watch over her.
When they finished their meal and left, I followed them again. I didn’t get the information I needed.
I found myself in a park. The only green this God forsaken state had. I hid behind a bush and watched Poppy and Benjamin as they sat on a bench.
They exchanged more pointless chatter. Lucifer save me.
Twenty minutes passed, and they didn’t speak of Anastasia again. I started to think this was hopeless. I’d just need to find her another way.
I snuck back to my motorcycle.
I should have known that two teenagers would spend their day talking mostly about themselves. Even if their dead friend lived again. The selfishness of children never ceased to amaze me.
I went back to my loft and devised a new plan. One that, if I was right about that girl, would work.
Chapter Five: Things I Used to Know
Anastasia
I could almost feel it; the blood on my hands. I didn’t hold the knife, but I might as well have. Three people died for me, and I could never give back to them what had been taken.
The worst part was that I hadn’t even wanted this. To be alive again. I missed the people I left behind, but I didn’t worry about them. I knew everything would be okay and we’d see each other again one day. I lived with the comfort of certainty.
I missed the peace that came with being dead. The certainty. I knew I belonged therein Hell. At all times I felt like I didn’t belong topside. I didn’t fit with living people.
“Focus, Annie,” Elisa told me again. “If you’re distracted it won’t work.”
How could I focus on moving a glass when I knew that every breath I took was only because I stole it from someone else?
We sat in my bedroom, and Elisa tried desperately to teach me how to use my magic. She had been right about one thing; I could feel it inside of me. I just couldn’t access it.
