by Nicole Thorn
All the choices hurt me in the end.
I just wanted to feel alive. I opened my mouth to tell Ezra to keep going when we heard a loud pounding on the door. “Housekeeping!”
Ezra cursed, rolling off of me and onto his back. I called out for the housekeeper to come back later.
I could fix this. I could just kiss him and show him how much I wanted to keep going. But I knew I shouldn’t.
Or, maybe it wouldn’t fix anything. Maybe he didn’t want to touch me anymore. Ezra came to his senses, and that was why didn’t start again.
I wanted to find out. Instead, I got out of bed and put my shoes on.
“Let’s go kill Travis.” I stood, grabbed his jacket, and put it on. My silent way of feeling like I belonged to him.
***
I tried looking at Ezra as little as possible. I felt like he did the same with me.
He let me drive once I got a handle on where Travis was. Oddly enough, figuring out that you were in love really cleared the mind. It explained a lot of things.
I was insane, but at least I knew it. I’d fallen a little in love with a killer. Not only a killer, but one that planned on killing me.
Yup. I’m utterly bonkers. But when he smiled at me I didn’t give a damn.
I’d been driving for a couple of hours. I didn’t know where we would end up, but I knew we were close to it. The trees around us got thicker and thicker, and the road went from pavement to dirt. We ended up somewhere that people didn’t go.
“Almost there,” I said as I turned into another dirt road.
Ezra crossed his arms, and his foot started tapping. “Calm down, you’re freaking me out,” I told him.
“I’m calm,” he lied as his foot tapped more. I reached over and put my hand on his leg. “Well, that would certainly calm me down.”
I rolled my eyes as the car broke through the trees and we looked out at a lake. A huge lake, surrounded by mountains. It looked like it could go on for miles. A small wooden sign said, Stampede Reservoir.
“This is it.” I got out of the car, and Ezra followed. “Got your dagger?” I pulled the jacket off, and left it in the car.
“Of course, Pet.” His hand went to his side, where I knew he kept it. “Point me in his direction, and I’ll end this.”
I stopped to try and feel it out. “This way.” I started walking until I saw a pickup truck. It belonged to the woman Travis killed. I knew it did. I had to stop myself from falling into the guilt vortex I hovered over.
We stopped to look inside the truck bed. Around ten gallons of water and a few grocery bags had been left inside.
“What is he doing?” I asked.
“Getting ready to disappear.”
“At a lake? Is he gonna camp here?”
Ezra shook his head. “Travis won’t stay in one place. He knows that someone is after him now.”
Again, my fault.
Ezra led me away from the car, and we walked past the shore and next to the base of a mountain. A houseboat floated in the water, and fire flickered from the shore. At first, I couldn’t tell what burned, but the smell confirmed what I feared.
“Probably the person who owned the boat,” Ezra answered my unasked question.
We walked closer, and Ezra studied the scene. I watched him as he grew thoughtful.
When we were twenty feet away, Travis walked out onto the shore. He didn’t see us as he loaded more stuff onto his boat.
Ezra pulled his dagger out, and put his hand on me, pushing me behind him. “Don’t get in the way,” he whispered.
Travis looked up and saw us. A second of surprise flashed on his face before he dropped his baggage. Orange fire covered his hands, and Ezra pushed me farther back.
“Oh, your love for her is heartwarming,” Travis said sarcastically. “She’ll go first.” He threw fire in my direction, but Ezra got in front of me. The fire turned to nothing when I held my hands up. I took a second to be happy that I stopped it. Ezra looked happy too, almost proud when he figured out what happened.
“Well, this should be interesting,” Travis grinned. The moron thought he would actually win against Ezra.
Ezra went at him, and I stayed put. Travis ran past Ezra, but he caught Travis’ collar and pulled him back. Ezra sent his head into the side of the houseboat, leaving a dent.
Travis came back swinging, then hit Ezra in the stomach. I panicked. I knew Ezra did this all the time, but I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.
When Travis started to run, I used my surge of fear to give me the focus I needed to stop him. I sent Travis into the front of the boat, and he cried out in pain when his back made contact with the sharp edge.
Travis got up. “BOYS!” he called. “I decided that some backup might be a good idea. Shame I won’t get to do this on my own.”
Ezra charged him again, but something threw him backward. He slid across the pebbles and landed at my feet. I dropped and pulled his head onto my lap. “Are you okay?”
Ezra didn’t get to answer before two men came running out of the boat. One had his hands up and out, like I did when I sent Travis flying.
“Always good to have a couple topsides around,” Travis said when he recovered.
Three against two.
“Hey, sweetie,” I said to Ezra, “I know you want me to stay back, but that ain’t happening.”
He stood and pulled me up. “Be safe and if I get hurt, you run. Do you understand?”
“I understand.” I understand that he’s insane for thinking I’d leave him for dead.
“You’ll leave?”
“I’ll do what I have to do.” That did not include leaving him behind.
Ezra and I ran in different directions. He went for Travis, and I went for the topsides.
“Pretty little thing,” the taller one said when I ran up. He had a buzz cut, like his friend, and they both looked like they spent all of their free time lifting weights or killing people. Maybe both.
Intent. That was what Adelina said I needed to focus on. My intent was to get Ezra and me out alive. Or at least him. I’d settle for that.
I looked around me for any kind of weapon. All I had was magic that I could hardly control and a bunch of fucking rocks.
Wait… the rocks were everywhere. Millions of them.
I held my arms out. While I did so, the earth shook, but not because of me.
The other topside had his hands out too.
Dammit. Two elementals. This wouldn’t end well for me.
As quick as I could, I got the rocks hovering all around me. A thousand little bullets. I sent them at the demons, and forced them into the lake.
I looked to Ezra just as Travis slammed him into the boat. I picked up a rock and threw it at Travis’ head. Not very elegant, but it made him look back at me.
I watched him turn to ash, revealing Ezra behind him, holding his dagger.
“Cool.” I smiled.
I heard something loud as the earth under me shook again. I fell to the ground as the dirt started splitting open five feet from me.
I tried to get up, but I heard Ezra screaming my name.
Then I saw why he yelled.
A massive wave of water rose in front of me. It crashed into me, and I couldn’t breathe. My legs went into the chasm first, and my body started slipping further in.
I clawed at the earth to try and pull myself out, but it started closing again.
Water surrounded me, and I began drowning while I tried to pull myself up. My whole body hung in the chasm, my hands desperately grasping the edge. The water turned the dirt into mud, and I lost my grip fast.
I felt a hand grab my wrists, pulling me out. Ezra clutched me to his side when he got me on my feet.
“You… you saved me,” I breathed.
“Of course I did.” He looked down at me, his face soft. “I need you safe.”
“Kill the little demon first!” One of the men yelled as they got out of the water.
Before
I knew what happened, I got thrown. My head hit rock and my ears rang. I heard my name being screamed again, but I didn’t know what direction it came from.
I opened my eyes, and Ezra crouched in front of me with his hands on my face. “Anna? Are you all right?” I saw real fear in his eyes for the first time.
I nodded and stood up.
We faced the demons, and I said, “I really need to get me a weapon for situations like this.”
“Pet, you’ve got a better weapon than any of us.”
I smiled at him when I realized it was true.
The water had missed the funeral pyre, and I forced one of the demons into the fire. He screamed.
His friend moved quickly. He raised the water behind him and sent it across the shore, covering the fire. It sent Ezra and me back fifteen feet.
The burned demon started to climb weakly to his feet.
Perfect.
We ran at them, and Ezra grabbed the healthier one. He kneed him in the stomach, causing the demon to double over.
I went for the burnt one, and threw my fist into his jaw. I wasn’t nearly as strong as him, but in his weakened state, he stumbled back and fell to the ground.
I heard the struggle behind me, and felt the ground shaking worse than before. Ezra dropped his dagger, and the scuffle led him away from it. The burnt man remained on the ground, so I left him.
I ran to the dagger, trying not to fall as the ground shook. I grabbed it, and went to Ezra just as he fell to the ground.
“Now, I really don’t like using guns,” the man said as he pulled one from his coat and pointed it at Ezra. I didn’t let myself get scared. “But I think in this situation—”
He stopped when I sank the dagger into his heart. I pulled it out, and kicked him off of Ezra. He turned dust before he hit the ground.
I held my hand out to Ezra, and I pulled him up. I handed him his dagger.
“Thank you,” he said with a strange look in his eyes.
We ran to the last man. It took nothing for Ezra to kill him.
When it ended, Ezra and I stood facing each other. Our chests rose and fell from our little war. Our eyes locked on each other’s, and I finally figured out what I saw in them before.
Fire.
He grabbed me, and his mouth came down on mine. When I felt his tongue against mine, I let out the world’s most embarrassing moan, but it just made him tighten his grip. It felt like being given air after drowning. Relief and pleasure and peace all at once. Ezra felt soft against me, but strong enough to hold me up when my legs got weak.
He held me like he wanted me. Needed me. I wanted so badly for it to be real. Not just adrenaline, or a mistake. I wanted him to want me for who I was.
Ezra made a low, greedy sound in the back of his throat, and I put my hands on his head so I could hold him to me.
When we finally stopped, seconds, minutes later—who knew—he softly put his lips to mine again, for a second or two. As chaste as any kiss could possibly have been, but it felt so much more than what we’d just done.
I looked up at him with even less breath than before. The way he looked back at me… I saw affection, care, adoration, happiness. Love…
“Let’s go home,” Ezra said before he started walking to the car. I followed behind him.
I loved how he said it. Like it was ours.
Ezra drove us home, and it gave me time to think. His case was over now, leaving me as his only one. He’s going to kill me soon.
I couldn’t let him do that. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the people who died for me die in vain.
I needed a plan to save myself. That meant leaving Ezra. The thought caused my still heart to ache.
I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to. I looked over at Ezra as he drove. His eyes stayed on the road, so he didn’t notice.
God, I would miss him.
Chapter Twenty: Unraveled
Ezra
“What color?” my wife asks as she shoves a magazine in front of me.
We are sitting at our kitchen table. It’s just past nine, and the sun is shining brightly though the windows, surrounding us.
“Why do we need to pick a color? I promise you that she won’t care what color her room is,” I say, not glancing at the choices.
Anna narrows her blue eyes at me as she crosses her arms. “You think that now, but the second she can talk, I bet she’ll start complaining about it.”
“If she’s anything like her mother.” I smile, and Anna’s mouth drops open in mock offense. She pokes at my arm with her fingernail.
“And if she’s anything like her father, then she will help me smack him when he’s mean to her mommy.” She stands up, and reaches for her mug of tea on the counter. Her hand goes to her belly, swollen with an eight-month-old child.
“I bet she will.” I shake my head.
“Oh,” my wife says. “I think she’s trying to communicate something with kicks…” She pretends to strain to understand. “She says… she says her daddy needs to hurry up and pick a damn color.”
“Really?” I lean over and put my hand and my ear on her stomach. “I think what she’s saying is, ‘I don’t care what color my room is. And Mummy is crazy.’”
“Rude.” Anna sips her drink. She mumbles against the lip of her mug, “That’s fine. I don’t care that my family is ganging up on me. Already loves her dad more than me. Whatever.”
I don’t move from where I am. I watch the sun shine off of my wedding ring as I wait for my daughter to move.
“Talk to her,” my wife suggests. “She likes your voice.”
“Of course. Everyone loves an accent.” I laugh. “Evelyn?” I say to my daughter. “Can you hear me? If so, kick your mother, would you?” Anna laughs as Evelyn does as I asked. Her kick lands where my hand rests on her mother. Like she does it just for me.
“Good girl.” I kiss Anna’s stomach, and tell my daughter that I love her. Then I stand and do the same for my wife…
…I woke up on something soft. When I opened my eyes, I realized what. My head laid on Anna’s stomach, and my hand on her hip.
I panicked when I felt the flatness. Then I remembered that I had only been dreaming. It felt like the only real thing in my world.
I felt loss when I touched her empty stomach. The baby never existed, but it felt like she did. When I woke up, I felt like the man in the dream died along with his family.
My family.
They had been mine, and I remembered how it felt to want them more than anything. I remembered how it felt to love my unborn daughter and wife. The daughter was gone, but Anna remained under me. She’d never be my wife. I left my head on Anna for a little while. In her sleep, her un-cuffed hand went to my head. She sighed, and softly ran her fingers through my hair, like I belonged to her. In that second, I wanted to.
I kissed Anna’s stomach before I got up and un-cuffed her hand, leaving the handcuffs attached to the bed. As usual, she stretched out on the bed. She smiled. She didn’t just feel her family die.
When I got out of bed, I changed into fresh clothes and separated the dirty ones to wash. The clean ones went in my dresser.
Anna’s Donald plush sat against the wall, because I refused to let it sleep between us. A man had to put his foot down sometimes.
Anna stretched out in her sleep, and wiggled her toes as she let out another soft sigh.
Maybe I should have let her have the duck…
As I made us breakfast, my dream haunted me. It had been so… normal. A life I could never have. Something small and easy. Safe. One where I could actually have a family.
When I had been human, I wanted one of my own. Partially to prove to myself that I wouldn’t be the kind of father that mine had been. I wanted to be a better man to my children. When I died, I knew I’d never get the chance. Not only because the only woman I’d ever wanted a family with was dead, but because I became a monster. I wasn’t the kind of man that could care for a child. Not one that a
child should love.
The other reason I wanted a child was for an even more selfish reason. I wanted to be loved. That had always been my weakness. The desperation for love I didn’t feel like I had.
I’d just been an heir in my father’s eyes. To my mother, just one of many children. I wanted to believe that they loved me, but that last day with them proved me wrong.
I looked back at a sleeping Anna, and wondered why I had the dream in the first place. She told me she couldn’t even get pregnant. My dream could never become a reality, even if I really wanted it to.
Damn girl.
Damn dream.
Damn paint swatches.
I cooked the bacon last, because I knew it would wake Anna up the second it hit the pan. A really fucked up, masochistic part of me wanted her to wake up now. To feel her arms wrapped around me. To kiss me good morning.
When she did wake up, Anna just hopped up on the counter next to me. She didn’t say a word and she stared at her swinging feet. She didn’t even get annoying about the bacon thing. Though, thinking back on it I didn’t think I had ever been annoyed with it.
“I know you’re dying to do it, so just do it,” I said while I put more bacon on the plate.
“W-what?” Anna stuttered. “What are you talking about?”
I looked at her, and snickered. “The bacon, Pet. I know you want bacon. Why else would you be next to me?”
She looked caught off guard. “Um, yeah. Bacon.” She took a piece, nibbled on it, and went back to staring at her feet.
Something felt off. It only took me a couple minutes to figure out what. It had to be about yesterday.
After we fought together, I lost all control and kissed her. Seeing her fight by my side, seeing her be strong, it had been the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen from her. She hadn’t been scared. It had been like she was meant for that kind of life. Not that I’d wish it on her. If you didn’t have a taste for this, it would destroy a person.
Just because I had no regrets over what I’d done, didn’t mean that she felt okay about it.
I brought the breakfast over to the bed, and Anna followed. She made a sandwich with her toast, putting in eggs, bacon, and cheese. She took a bite, and caught me staring at her.
