by Nicole Thorn
“Why are you smiling at me?” she asked while chewing.
“I didn’t know I was smiling.” I looked down at my plate without answering her question.
The morning sun glinted off my dagger on the dresser, blinding me. I moved back to avoid the glare.
I knew it had to happen soon. I’d need to kill her. I just couldn’t picture doing it, and I didn’t know how I would find the will to do it. How could I kill the only person in the world I wanted to spend my time with? The only person I could ever see being myself with.
“Are we going anywhere today?” Anna asked once she finished her sandwich.
“I wasn’t planning it. It was a long trip and I just want to stay here today. Maybe we can go out tomorrow. Somewhere nice for lunch.”
I saw something in her eyes that I must have been misreading. She looked sad, but when I went over my words, I couldn’t see anything in them that would upset her.
“Is there something you wanted to do today?”
Anna shook her head and brought her dishes to the sink.
I bought mine over, and said, “You don’t have to do that.” I took the scrubbing brush from her and put it down.
“You did all the cooking.” Her voice sounded quiet, and had an edge of frustration and sadness to it.
“So? I made that choice, you don’t need to clean up after me.”
“But—”
I put my hands on her shoulders. “Stop. You don’t need to clean my dishes for me. I don’t want you to.”
She held her hands up. “Fine then. I’m gonna shower.” She walked past me and closed the bathroom door.
I watched bad TV for an hour while I waited for her to get back out. When she did, she came right to bed. Anna tucked her knees to her chest and stared at the bed until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Anna, tell me what’s wrong. Please.” Her big blue eyes turned to me, but she stayed quiet. “Anna?”
Nothing.
She scooted close to me and rested her head on my chest. “Can we just lay here for a while?”
I put my hand on her back. “As long as you want.”
***
For six hours, she laid quietly on me, not moving, not sleeping.
Anna finally sat up on her knees. Again, she wouldn’t look at me.
“Are you hungry?” I asked. “I could make us dinner. Whatever you want.”
“Can we cook together?”
I smiled and took her hand to lead her to the kitchen area. “What would you like?”
She bit her lip as she thought. “Burgers?”
“Sure.” I went to the fridge and pulled out the raw meat before I got the seasonings. “I’d make us fries too, but all of my useful cooking tools are at my house.”
“You have a house?”
I paused and looked over at her. “I didn’t tell you that?”
She shook her head. “You aren’t exactly the kind to share personal information. Especially with me.”
“Well, in Scotland I have a home. I spend my time in between assignments there.”
She offered a small smile. “Is it pretty?”
“It’s very pretty.” I laughed. “It’s in the middle of a moor, and fifty miles away from anything that has a heartbeat. It’s so quiet.”
“Do you get lonely?”
“No,” I said, not realizing it’d be a lie. “I spend my time reading.”
“Anything else?”
I shook my head.
“Then how do you not get lonely?”
I didn’t know what to say. No one but me had ever been in my house. I even built it. Took me a decade, but it had been worth it. I loved my home, but I never noticed how empty it felt before Anna asked that question.
“Don’t have many options for company. People don’t like spending time with a mean old man.”
She breathed a laugh. “I do.”
“Do you?”
Her smile grew. “Yeah. Just the one though.”
Which of us was more damaged? The girl who had affections for her killer? Or the man who had them for his victim?
I instructed Anna on how to properly season the burgers, and I showed her how long to cook them.
I stood next to her while we ate. I told her more about my home, the things I had there, the books.
When we finished, I took the dishes and started cleaning them. The second the dishes hit the sink, Anna changed. Any trace of a smile vanished, and she went back to the sad girl.
“I’m going to change for bed.” She hopped off the counter, and went to her bag.
I finished the dishes and put them away. I was washing my hands when Anna came out of the bathroom.
When my eyes fell on her, the air left the room. She wore the black nightie that I bought her. The one she swore she’d never touch.
It dropped eight inches above her knees. Two thin straps held it up, and attached to the low cut lace top.
Anna looked at the ground as she stood a few feet from me. Nervous.
Slowly, she walked over to me and looked up at my eyes. I still couldn’t breathe. She got up on her tiptoes and pulled me down to her. Our lips met as softly as possible. They parted as she deepened the kiss, still keeping it gentle.
I quickly lost the ability to keep the kiss gentle. My hands went to her hips and I hoped to God that she wouldn’t notice that they shook. I didn’t know why I had become so undone by her and the little things she did, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was. Anna had some kind of power over me that left me uneasy but desperate.
I pulled Anna as close to me as I could, and she matched the feverish pace I set. She made those sounds again and it took over my senses.
The point quickly came where I couldn’t stand how distant we were from each other. Even with our bodies pressed together, it didn’t feel like enough. I thought another second of not being inside of her, being part of her, would kill me.
Then the thought of being part of her unraveled me more. It would overwhelm me until I became nothing. I’d lose myself in her.
What a sweet end that would be.
I pulled her skirt up past her hips, and sat her on the counter in front of me, pulling her legs apart and pressing closer to her. Close, but there was still too much in our way.
My hands went to pull her panties off, but Anna moved her face from mine. “The bed,” she panted.
Of course. I didn’t even think about the fact that this would be her first time. I needed to make it perfect for her. She deserved nothing less. She definitely deserved more than being taken against a counter.
I put my mouth back to Anna’s and carried her to our bed. I gently laid her under me, and placed myself between her legs.
I pulled her skirt back up, and when my hand went under the fabric of her panties, she gasped against me. Her hands held my face to hers like she depended on me to breathe.
My mouth left hers and she whimpered.
“Do you want me?”
She nodded.
“Say it. Please,” my voice sounded desperate. I needed to feel her wanting me. I needed to be the only thing she wanted.
“I want you. More than anything, I want you.” The sadness came back to her eyes, and I didn’t know why.
“I need you, Anna.”
I kissed the hollow base of her throat, and her moans got louder. I move up to replace her hand with my mouth, so I could feel her panting for me.
Quietly and desperately, she gasped out my name. It undid me even more.
I pulled her legs around me and rocked my hips against hers. I wanted her to feel exactly what she did to me. Anna cried out when she did.
I couldn’t take this anymore. I had to have her, right then. I wanted to feel her all around me. I wanted her to take me over.
Anna rolled me over onto my back and straddled my hips with her legs. Her lips crashed down on mine as she held my hands behind my head.
I heard a familiar metallic click as I felt cold steel around my w
rist.
My eyes shot open, and Anna moved away.
“Anna?” I yanked at my cuffed hand and felt betrayal rush through me.
“I’m so sorry, Ezra.” She got off of me and went to my dresser. With my dagger on it.
No. She wouldn’t… she wouldn’t kill me. But, why did I think that? I planned on killing her. Why shouldn’t she defend herself?
Because I thought she wanted me.
Pain eclipsed the betrayal.
But she didn’t touch the dagger. Anna went for the small pile of clothes that it sat next to. I hadn’t even noticed them. She must have put them there when I had been cleaning.
This was all a trick.
It was all just a lie.
Anna put the clothes on, facing away from me. I heard her quiet sobs. Just another lie.
She picked up her suitcase, and looked back at me once. Her blue eyes now red and puffy. “Goodbye.”
I watched her walk out the door, leaving me behind.
Chapter Twenty-One: All That Comes with It
Anastasia
When my feet hit the pavement outside of the building, broken sobs took over. I hated myself for what I did. Even if it meant saving my own life.
I got what I wanted. I could feel again, but everything was pain and longing and guilt. It enveloped my entire being.
I started walking when my body stopped shaking. I needed to find Poppy, Oswald, and Elisa. I needed to tell them that I was alive. When I found a payphone, I called Poppy.
“Hello?” She sounded confused. The number must have thrown her off.
“It’s me,” I said.
“Oh my God! Ossy!!” she called. “Annie, what happened? Where did you go? We thought… we thought…”
“It’s a long story. Can you come get me?”
“Where are you?”
I told her that I would be waiting for her in the store across the street. It was a few blocks from Ezra’s loft, so I figured it’d be safe.
“We’ll be there as soon as we can.” Poppy hung up, and I went inside the store.
I sat in front of the furniture section by the garden entrance. I looked like a runaway. Suitcase in hand, messy hair, and tears coming nonstop from my eyes.
I did a bad, bad thing.
Who knew what Ezra felt? Still locked to his bed, because of the betrayal of a girl he mistakenly trusted.
I hoped that I had been right about him and he still saw me as nothing important. I knew he didn’t, but that didn’t keep me from wanting it. I could take the pain if he didn’t feel it too.
“Annie!” Elisa gasped before she ran to me. The three of them wrapped me up in a hug, then started throwing questions at me. I waited till we got in Oswald’s car to start answering them.
“Ezra took me when I was in my room. He brought me to his place,” I started.
“That psycho with the old school freaking dagger? That guy?” Elisa fumed.
“Yes.” I tried to hide my anger. “He kidnapped me because he needed information about our powers. His boss said he had to find out how powerful we were.”
Elisa scoffed and crossed her arms. “If that dick tries to touch you again, I’ll show him just how much.”
“Anyway,” I continued. “He got another assignment, and we had to go to California.”
“Why didn’t he kill you if you’re on his list too?” Poppy asked.
“Because he didn’t want to risk killing me, only to have you guys bring me back. He wanted to make sure I’d stay dead.” I didn’t know how true that was. In the beginning, sure. Now? I thought he didn’t kill me yet because he didn’t want to.
By the time we got to Poppy and Oswald’s apartment, it was late. I wanted to sleep, but I had another million questions to answer.
We sat in the living room for an hour while I told them everything that happened. I kept some private moments to myself, like Disneyland, any time we kissed. I couldn’t let them know that I’d fallen for him. They’d never understand it.
“An underground poker den?” Oswald smiled. “That sounds awesome.”
Poppy smacked his arm and he stuck his tongue out at her.
“Annie.” Poppy leaned forward to put her hand on my knee. “I’m so glad you’re okay. We were a mess, trying to find you. We tried a bunch of tracking spells, but nothing worked. We thought that guy killed you.”
“How’d you get away from him?” Elisa asked.
My mind turned quickly to come up with a lie. “He was in the shower, and I just slipped out.”
She laughed. “Dumbass. He’s not very good at his job.” She waved her hands. “Not that I’m not grateful.”
“Thanks.” I rolled my eyes.
I also didn’t tell them about our fight at the lake. How I killed a demon to save Ezra. I didn’t feel bad about killing him, but if they knew why I had done it, they’d throw me in the loony bin.
I finally snuck off to bed another hour later. I was in the guest room and I was so thankful I was alone. I unzipped my bag after I put it on the bed. Ezra’s jacket laid on top. I’d forgotten that it had been in with my stuff. I somehow managed to keep my tears silent as I laid it on the bed.
Boxes I left in my bedroom at home filled the room. My friends must have brought all of my stuff over.
I unpacked my things, and put them in the dresser of my new room. I looked around, noticing the emptiness mirroring how I felt.
I ran away from the only joy I had in my life. Even only a few hours later, colors seemed duller.
I put the bag on the floor after I changed into my pajamas. The jacket still rested on the bed, and I went to toss it on the floor when I paused and held it to my nose. It smelled like Ezra. Even though I had been wearing it for so long.
When I laid down, I draped it over me and clutched the sleeve to my chest.
***
The next day passed so slowly, it felt like torture.
Elisa came over and watched me when Poppy and Oswald had to go to class. She tried to force more magic lessons on me, so I could defend myself against Ezra. I had no will to do so.
And besides, I didn’t need her help anymore. I knew the trick to it. I doubted I’d ever use my magic again. I had never wanted it.
“What do you wanna do today?” Elisa asked me as we sat on the couch in the living room.
“Whatever you want to do.” I shrugged.
“That’s not an answer.”
“I don’t know what I should say. I don’t have anything in mind.”
“Think of something,” she ordered me.
I sighed. “Do we have cake?”
She smiled. “I don’t think so, but I can get some. Let’s go.” She stood and grabbed her keys.
“Do I have to go with you? I’d rather just stay here.” She put a hand on her hip. “What if Psycho Boy comes back?”
I tried not to wince at the name. I hated having to hear my friends say such terrible things about Ezra.
“I can use my magic better now. I can defend myself.” If I wanted to. I’d never use it against Ezra, but I couldn’t tell her that.
“All right.” Elisa picked up her purse, and started walking backwards to the door. “If you need me, call my cell.”
“I will.” I laid back on the couch and stared at the ceiling for God knew how long. I could have watched TV, but it held little interest for me without Ezra’s bitter commentary. He had been so damn cute when he mocked the people on TV with his version of an American accent.
I caught myself smiling at the memories. I heard the loud roar of a motorcycle outside, but I ignored it for the most part. I got off of the couch, and shuffled back to my room. I knew I should unpack, but I didn’t feel like it. I’d get around to it eventually. Probably.
I opened up the window—half for something to do—and sat on the floor, resting my head against my hands.
My dead heart almost beat again when I looked out the window. I saw Ezra in all of his brooding glory, leaning with his arms crossed aga
inst his motorcycle.
He didn’t look my way, but off to his right.
I wanted to scream to him. Run to him. Apologize to him. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me. He shouldn’t. I did a heartless thing.
I needed to leave him alone forever.
Five seconds later, I climbed down the fire escape.
He had come for a reason and I needed to know. Yeah, I’ll go with that. It sounded rational. Certainly better than, I just need to hear his voice.
When I ran up to him, he still didn’t look at me.
“Ezra,” I whispered his name.
He clenched his hand into a fist briefly and let it go, still not looking at me. I stared at the man I loved, and willed him to glance at me. To give me a sign that he cared.
I whispered his name again and he looked over at me through his eyelashes. His stare felt so cold, like the man I’d met weeks before. Something else lurked in them too. Hate? Disgust? I couldn’t tell.
“Why are you here?” I asked softly.
His ankles crossed as he glared at me. “I have a job to do, Anastasia. Do you think that just because we kissed a couple times, I wouldn’t kill you? That’s why you did it, right?”
Sorrow filled my body. Every word from his mouth felt like a slap. He’d lost his affectionate nickname for me. Maybe worse than that, he thought I only kissed him as part of a plan.
I shook my head. “No. That’s not why.”
“Don’t lie to me, Pet,” he spat the word out like a curse. “I’m not a fool.”
My heart broke all over again, and I wanted to pass out. “I’ve never lied to you. Not once.” Sort of. When he told me to leave him at the lake if he got hurt, I let him think that I would. I didn’t lie when I said I’d do what I needed to do. “Then what would you call it? You told me that you wanted me. Then you left.”
I squeezed my eyes shut to hold back the tears. I opened them again, so he wouldn’t think I lied. “It wasn’t a lie. None of it. I just didn’t want to die,” my voice broke. “Can you hate me for that? For not staying and letting you kill me?”
