I didn’t know he’d hoped for so long that she would still come back to him.
I thought of T that night as I lay in bed. I wondered if she would be my greatest regret. I felt like it wasn’t over—whatever we had between us.
Chapter 18
Animal
Nix and I clicked on so many levels. We were inseparable when we were out of school. He’s a smidge younger, but I never really noticed because he had problems older than the rest of the world.
He told me about Ember, and his aunt, and how his sister didn’t know he existed.
We’d ridden bikes by the house more than a few times. Welfare checks was what he called them. If he felt like it was unfair that his sister got to have a family and a life while he was in a home, he never said it.
I learned about Rebecca, the girl who possibly saved his life the night his father killed his mother. Just a little spitfire. He watched her, too. I watched his back. While he worried after the girls, I knew that the worst monster in his life was his father. I watched T’s mom from a respectful distance. I wouldn’t judge when she wandered out in her pajamas or with lipstick all over her face. She was safe, and more often than not—due to T’s sacrifice—her mom was neat and together. Wistful looking, though.
We burst through our mid-teens and finally got to high school. I played ball, got with cheerleaders, and got crowned homecoming king. I knew how to play the superficial games. I could be whatever they needed me to be.
Nix dropped out of high school and left the home first. I tried to talk him out of it. Merck stopped by as well.
Merck went up in rank in the police force. He always made time to come to my games, planned on taking my picture for prom, too.
Which was fine. I had two dates, and I wanted it documented.
I was still looking for T.
Merck was still looking for T. At least that was what he told me.
It was two weeks before prom, and Merck and I were going down to play old versus young basketball, though he hated when I called it that.
His most recent promotion had given him access to new things. After the game, he rolled me down to the river, the place where I told him Elise was dead. I had a pit in my stomach, wondering if this would be where our fears came to roost. I was concerned that T didn’t make it. That she hadn’t been able to hack the world at such a young age with nothing but her knapsack.
Merck pulled a file from the back seat and flopped it open.
In it was a picture of a girl taken from a security camera. She had long dark hair covering one eye. It was T. He’d found her.
I snapped my head in his direction, and then I saw the impending bad news in his eyes. I think my heart stopped beating. I was sure that we would see each other again. This snapshot haunted me suddenly, reminding me of all the missing girls whose last picture was a grainy one from an ATM.
“She was here. In town. Came to visit her mom.” He tapped the folder in my lap. “That her? Is that T? I mean, I thought so…” He trailed off.
I looked back at the picture, confused. “It’s T. That’s her. She’s taller now. All womaned up, looks like. When was she here? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I watched him swallow before he answered, “Last week. She had contact with an undercover who tipped me off. I reviewed the security footage until I found her.”
And then I looked out at the same water he had when his heart was broken.
It was different for T. She’d been able to live—of that I was grateful. But she was also able to come here and be near me and not say hi. Not say anything.
“Oh.” I covered my mouth with the back of my hand. I was swallowing the disappointment. That’s what men do. Well, except for the few times with the man next to me.
“I’m sorry, son.”
I felt what he’d done, like I had years ago. Just offered the only thing he could—his love for me.
“Hey, it’ll be okay. She’s okay. That’s what matters.” I shrugged.
Merck clapped me on my back. I felt the wetness on my cheek. I looked quickly out the window, but I didn’t shrug off his hand.
We could be this for each other. Support.
Two weeks later, I went to prom with my two dates. And I only thought about T every other minute.
Chapter 19
T
My dress was light brown. It looked nice with my eyes. Which was just luck, because at the thrift store, there were only a few choices of dresses that fit me. This one was a little too long, but it wasn’t falling down. I had my Converse on underneath the long dress. I’d snuck into a beauty store and used their samples to do my makeup.
My hair was swept up into a bun, and my neck felt naked, but I wanted something different. For him. For my return.
I’d checked on my mom from a distance. She looked great. Her hair was done, and her outfit matched. I peeked at her on a day visit to the local museum.
She was good without me. My vigilance in staying away from her was paying off. And that was important.
In the years I’d come back and forth, I’d wanted to check on Animal, but I couldn’t do it. I knew he’d see me. He never missed a trick, but I couldn’t come back and get nabbed. I was not going back to another foster home, so I waited until my eighteenth birthday to return to town.
In my head I pictured our reunion. He would hug me. Maybe twirl me around. Because I knew he wouldn’t have forgotten about me.
I had gotten a new outfit and decided to find him, but it became clear that it was prom night here in Midville.
When I tracked him down, he was dressed in a tux. And he was the most handsome man in the world. He’d gotten taller and filled out more. His features had sharpened, too. That cheekbone that I drew had even more of an edge now.
He was beautiful. I fixed my hair in the reflection of a car window. As I was getting ready to step out and wave at him, two gorgeous girls in revealing, expensive gowns flanked him.
He preened and laughed, paying attention to each girl.
I hid behind the car when I put it all together, praying that he hadn’t caught sight of me.
I stayed with my back against the car until I was sure he was in the venue. It was naïve of me to assume he wouldn’t have a date. To assume he would wait for me like I waited for him.
He was the home I had. Animal and my mother, and seeing him with two other girls was like watching my home burn.
I left that night. To be someone else. To be somewhere else.
This place was better off without me.
Chapter 20
T
I had terrors from the night under the toll bridge. I excelled at blending in. Not being seen. Not being noticed. One small mistake—making eye contact with a random guy was my downfall the night they all attacked me. Maybe it was coming for me. No matter what night, the situation was dangerous, and I knew that.
I wanted choices, and I didn’t think I had that. Rejecting my foster mom’s attempts was probably thickheaded. Animal would’ve made it work to his advantage, somehow.
When he was the one to stop the attack, I saw him for who he was. When he held me in his arms in front of a bunch of cops and refused to put me down, I witnessed grace. I didn’t know what it was like to be a black guy in this society, but I knew enough about how the world worked to know he’d been in danger that night. That he’d decided he’d rather be shot dead than put me down and hurt me more. His soul was crystal clear to me. His loyalty matched to mine and beyond possibly.
But I couldn’t keep it up. Not this farce. Not the fight. I knew it didn’t make sense to anyone but him and me. I left Animal in the parking lot, but I stopped by my mom’s place to get another sneak peek at her face. That night I got lucky. I was able to see into her room through a parted curtain. She had her beautiful hair down. Usually she kept it in a bun, but when it was down, I liked how much it proved that we were matches. Mother and daughter.
I remembered taking turns brushing it back in the day. On a good
day. Maybe it was a good month. Time was judged by how she was feeling.
“Talon, we could get a perm in this hair. Really amp up these curls.”
How old was I then? Who knew? Maybe eight? We were in the money—what I later learned was her disability check. Mom tried really hard, but money was not an impulse she had control over. I would get a cartful of toys, and then the next week we’d be hungry.
My name was Talon. Well, technically still was. I got made fun of in school for my name, even though I really liked it. Mom was reckless with her heart and my name, but it worked.
When I figured out what happened, how the ramifications of her illness affected Mom, I insisted on being called T by everyone, save for her. I wanted the person I was to stay with my mom. And by going to the first letter of my name only, I could make something that she and I shared.
A doctor had put my name preference on a chart somewhere, and when I changed schools, it stuck. It took a few years, but Talon disappeared entirely. T took her place.
The night I left Midville the first time, I had blood on my hands. I wasn’t going to leave Smiley alive to hurt Animal. He was an unfinished thread in a narrative I was intent on completing. The lack of remorse I felt after killing the other three taught me something about what I could handle. Maybe I was different than everyone else. There was one quick solution. Smiley was out on bail. I spent a few minutes unbuttoning my shirt and painting red on my lips. With my hair back and a pair of glasses on, he didn’t recognize me. I tempted him from the docks where he was hanging with two other guys to follow me down to the bank of the river.
When I came back from the bank alone, I knew Animal was safe. And I knew I could murder people without losing a moment of sleep. I walked out of town that night.
My time away from Midville became about making sure that I could be weapon and a watchful owl. I could see everything and be able to fight back if I was forced to engage.
I still managed to go to school. Showing up places with just my own body and a fake ID was a good way to make sure there was no trail. I got an education, and when enough questions were asked, I moved on. I spent time with courses in libraries and even snuck into college classes as soon as I could pass as an enrolled student. I just had to make sure the professors were lax in their attendance.
I took defending myself seriously as well. One of the community colleges offered a course on self-defense for free. What I learned there about simple hold breaks and punches was like having a light turned on inside my soul.
I sought out training after that. I cleaned gyms for boxing lessons, offered to do paperwork for Tae Kwon Do instructions, and proffered weapons for criminals to learn how to shoot.
When I saw Animal at the prom with his two dates, I knew I could defend both him and me.
After the prom, I became more focused. I took up long distance running. The libraries were a network of knowledge. I did my best to make sure I knew how to throw an ax. I got good at giving a massage so I could memorize pressure points. I could use that information against someone. Squeezing the right spot could take down a person twice my size.
When the police in a town I was passing through needed volunteers for their officers to work with to learn how to hold people correctly, I signed up. Learning how to get out of the holds was important.
I took time to visit Midville. I watched Mom from a distance, making sure she was being treated well. She really did best without the pressures of being a mom. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I did it.
I missed Animal. I made acquaintances from time to time, but with Animal it was different. I was betting Animal got bigger. And crazy handsome. And his swagger as a kid had been incredible—it probably got even better.
I made enough money working odd under the table jobs to buy a motorcycle and enough weapons that I felt safe anywhere.
When I returned to the city—that night when he cruised up on his bike with Nix—I wasn’t expecting him. But I was hoping for him.
I got to know two randomly friendly hookers, and they always seemed ready to chat and make sure I was covered for the evening. I let them assume I was a hooker, too. That part of town was easy to meld into. It was my plan to hear how things were going with Animal. He’d been getting more and more into the lifestyle that Nix was living so I heard. I needed to have my ear to the pavement.
His name was easy to catch when it was tossed in a conversation. The women gossiped about him as well. I had to make sure I kept my jealousy in check. It wasn’t easy, but all that distance and time helped.
Assisting him that night was a given. I’d do anything he needed. Seeing the fire in his eyes when we connected was all the encouragement I needed to stay close to him. I was patient. And I was loyal.
And then I was going to be irreplaceable.
Chapter 21
Animal
My boy Nix started on his tats long before it was legal. I understood what he did, even though every new bone etched onto his skin singled him out as different. And when he took it to his face, I watched as my boyhood friend slowly buried himself.
He’d rather look like a skeleton than resemble his father. And I couldn’t blame him.
It was extreme, but he was extreme. He’d started working for various crime bosses, getting somehow deeper and further away from reality every year. And richer. Blood money was what he called it. He used it for trappings like a house—but all he cared about was Basement Girl.
Basement Girl was my nickname for Rebecca, the little girl he’d watched all these years. She went by Becca now. Nix, through sheer stubbornness, found all different ways to stalk her. For her own good was what I understood, though I wasn’t sure anyone else would see it that way.
I got my business degree. Merck helped me figure out scholarships and grants, so I was able to give two monumental middle fingers to my biological parents who hadn’t thought I was worth the cost of a diaper.
I was worth far more. It turned out that I was good at theater as well. I got a minor in theater arts. It helped me magnify this personality that made me bigger than life—to those who didn’t know me anyway.
While Nix’s obsession grew, his sister did as well. He still had no relationship with her, believing everyone was better without him.
I started out looking for Nix’s father for him. I hated to see him waiting for what he felt was an inevitable return. Nix was scared for Becca, too, as his asshole father had a penchant for vendettas.
When I was out, I looked for T as well. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I wanted to find out why she returned to town and refused to see me.
Was she still doing it?
Maybe I was as obsessive as my friend. I just didn’t wear it on my skin. My family was small, just Nix, T, and Merck, but they mattered. I counted Ember as well, because although she didn’t know it, she was a sister to me.
I learned to make money like Nix. He was more high-tech and bloody; I was more personable and about cashing in favors. I went by the street name of Havoc, but it was no secret who I was. My name was semi-famous before I was even a major player in the scene. Merck used to say havoc followed me like a puppy, so it was my way of letting him name me like a father would. I was pretty sure that it was not a gesture he appreciated. He’d preferred that I took my education and ran the entire world. And I loved him for that. And although I believed he was right, I needed to protect Nix when he was vulnerable. I was the only family that would be able to watch his back. I even explained as much to Merck, and I saw an understanding there. A gratefulness.
I became a ladies’ man. Maybe I always was, but it was an act I could play with little to no effort. The game was easy. I learned to ask a few pointed questions, watch for cues, and when it was time to actually throw down? I knew my way around a clitoris.
When Becca’s bar had a Day of the Dead themed event, with full makeup encouraged, I pressured my boy to go in and meet her face-to-face.
I’d been to the bar she worked at with her
sexy friend Henry—female, despite the decidedly male name—and I liked her. More than that, I could read Becca. She had a soft spot for the bar drunk. For the awkward guy or girl dragged out for a night with their more socially forward friends.
She picked up jackets off the floor so they wouldn’t get stomped on. Just the little shit. I had a hunch she was special enough for my man.
And I was right, which I liked because it was a good habit to be in.
Nix’s father decided to come to town and start creeping right as Nix took these first baby steps, so I had to help him. Nix was dealing with Bat Feybi, a shifty old bastard. We needed a hooker to pass a note to the boss and meet him in an alternate location.
After arriving on our bikes, I saw her.
She was coming out of the mist of my memories when I watched her step from behind two hookers.
T.
My T. From when I was a kid. From when I was just a pup.
Our last meeting was still something I thought about years later. She was acting like she didn’t know who I was. I had my motorcycle helmet on so I doubt she could see the hurt I knew was registered in my eyes.
Of all the people to leave me, I never thought it’d be her. We’d been family. She knew more about me than even my man on the bike next to me. He was covered in ink that made him into a monster, but it didn’t hide his good intentions like he thought it did.
The hookers were trying to get the job, clearly thinking it was about sex.
It wasn’t. T read the scene and treated Nix and me like this was fine. Like she didn’t know me. Maybe she didn’t. I was still tall, still very much who she should remember, but I’d filled out in a way that made me far more intimidating. Had she seen me from a distance and I’d missed her?
My soul would always know hers. Apparently, it was a one-way setup, if she could really act like she didn’t know me.
I told Nix that we were picking T. She refused to talk. I wondered about that. The selective mute thing I taught her so many years ago?
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