Her chocolate eyes were desperate. She was locked in here, and hated it. I tried to tell her without saying it out loud that I’d get her out of here. As soon as I could carry my own weight, I was busting her out. I didn’t think she understood. That fog was creeping back in.
Merck took me back to my room, and after another exhausting piss, I collapsed in my bed. The conversation I wanted to have about the legal consequences T was facing was on pause until I could remain conscious enough to actually have it.
T
I took the drugs because they had ways of checking to see if I swallowed them. Being closed in was the worst part. No window or open door. He was okay—and that was the reason any of this was going to be fine.
At night I vibrated with the need to leave. Tears ran down my cheeks.
But I saved him.
And I would do it all again.
And I would stay here forever.
If I had to.
To save Animal.
Chapter 16
Animal
After Christmas, Merck worked magic with T’s mean social worker and her devoted foster mom. Together, the three of them were able to meet and help her avoid charges for the killing of Boon, Fleece, and Brooks. It was clear defense of the beating I had been receiving. My injuries were severe enough that T’s report was filed and expunged.
My visits to her floor were daily. We worked on the puzzle; sometimes looked through a magazine or watched TV. She asked me once what happened to Smiley, and I told her he’d been in the hospital and then had been released. He was going to face charges for the attack.
She was worried about her mom. She was concerned that I wasn’t going to heal well. T never once expressed regret or concern for the men she’d killed. And Smiley was out of the hospital. So that’s the way it was. Our new normal.
I was cleared for release before she was. Getting to see her after I was in outpatient was a hell of a lot harder.
Our last visit was tough. She looked worn down. Her pupils were dilated in a way that I didn’t like. I gave Merck a hard stare and he nodded near imperceptibly. He knew we had an issue.
“I get out today.” I wanted to tell her so she’d know things were changing. That maybe she wouldn’t see me as often. The last two weeks had given me comfort because I knew I’d get to visit. “Now, actually.” I was figuring my street clothes were a giveaway.
I waited for a reaction, and slowly, there was one. She lifted her hand and the nurse nearby came over.
“Can I get scissors?”
T’s voice was hoarse. The nurse was sweet about it, trying to encourage T’s use of words.
“You’ll have to tell me what for. And I’ll have to stay here with you. Okay?”
T reached for my hand and pushed up the sleeve of my shirt and touched the wristband there.
I knew then she was doing for me what I’d done for her back at school during recess. After hooking her index finger underneath it, she looked in my eyes.
“I want to release him.”
The nurse praised her for speaking. I didn’t look away as our gazes locked.
In no time T had a pair of safety scissors, like they gave kids in kindergarten. It took her a minute to saw through it, but she was determined.
When my arm was finally free, she handed the scissors back like a model patient. The nurse wanted the bracelet, assuming it was trash.
T shook her head. “I want to keep this.”
She put it to her heart with her hand over it.
Again, the nurse seemed to want to encourage the speech, so she allowed it. When we had a bit of privacy, I pulled her bracelet out from the pocket of my jeans. When I had gotten my personal effects back, the clothes I was wearing were trashed, but my wallet had been returned to me. And in it, Talon Devora’s hospital band. It was sort of my own way of pledging to look out for her.
“I guess we’re even now.”
Sheer delight crossed her face, and I was never so grateful as I was for that piece of plastic.
“We are.” My bracelet was obviously staying with her.
We hugged because visiting hours were ending on her floor. It was hard leaving.
Animal
Merck had taken so much personal time to care for me, he was unable to take me to the hospital and pave the way for my outpatient visits with T.
I was walking with a limp, but I was walking. My bruises were fading. Eventually, I had to go back to school. The absence of T was in every minute.
I checked up on her mom at the facility in town. It was a house, actually—with other adults who needed help with their everyday stuff. She looked like T.
Merck told me at the last visit that T was due out in less than a week and she’d have to see a psychologist regularly.
Rumors were making their way around. Not at school—that place was so far behind me socially. They were still concerned about video games and dates. Smiley wanted to avenge his asshole friends. Word had it that he was watching for T’s discharge as well.
On her release day, Merck and I made it to the hospital. Her foster mom was there, and the social worker had sent his regards.
Merck still didn’t like him, but apparently, he’d done a good job as far as T was concerned with the legal stuff.
T walked past her foster mom’s open arms and instead hugged me. I watched as the woman’s face fell.
I hugged T back and tried to offer a smile to the woman. T wasn’t going to give her a chance. I knew that, and it made me sad. But I knew how T was. She only loved once, so she said anyway.
One mom, foster or otherwise. I looked at T’s face and knew my time with her was limited.
She was a flight risk the second the locked doors were opened. If I hadn’t been attacked, she would have left a month ago.
She whispered into my ear, “Meet me at the mall.”
I nodded with my cheek against hers so she’d know I heard her.
We were in a warm snap for January. Yesterday was up to sixty degrees. She’d run again tonight.
With the social worker invested in her case now, and Smiley looking for her, I had nothing but concern about her sneaking out. But I’d be in our spot tonight.
Merck looked suspicious, but he didn’t alert anyone, and I was grateful for that.
T
Saturdays were a wasteland. It’s the way it was. Food was scarce. Shelter was tricky. Pretty much everything I did was about surviving while tricking people into thinking it’s easy.
It wasn’t.
I liked this abandoned mall on Saturdays because he’d usually show up and then we were alone.
Just T and Animal. And today would be our last for a long while.
I heard him just as he saw me in the parking lot. It was quiet. I smiled because it’s us now.
“T, you good?” He closed the distance quickly despite his healing injuries. His legs were so long.
His cheekbones were probably sharper than they should be, but my eyes followed the line of them.
I drew. He knew, but that’s it. I liked to sketch. When he wasn’t here and I had paper, I etched that cheekbone. I’d use my index finger to smudge it a bit. I looked at the pad of my finger. It had a hint of pencil on it now.
I was sitting on the concrete highway divider that was used to block this pothole-filled asphalt from cars. He sat on the one next to me.
“How’s the home?” I looked at the sky. It wasn’t cold enough for me to see my breath.
“Fine. I run the joint.” Animal cracked his knuckles and kicked his feet out, crossing them at the ankle. I asked him about the cop.
Animal told me that Merck was a dead end and I knew it was a heartbreak for him somehow.
I knew heartbreak. Between the two of us, we could’ve made a quilt out of the “maybe somedays” and “could have beens”.
“It’s going to be a show tonight.” He twisted so that he could lie back on the divider. Our concrete couches. I did the same.
Because the
mall was abandoned and the electric long shut off, as the night crept up on us, the stars were beautiful.
The top of my head almost touched the top of his. We had to keep our balance as we reclined, but we were good at it.
We were going to play the lotto game now. It was what we did. He would tell me what the Powerball was going for, and then we would spend the fictional money.
Money we would never see.
“Fourteen million. You start.”
I watched for a few minutes as the stars started revealing themselves. I knew he wouldn’t rush me.
“Well, first, I get my mom her own place.”
“Okay,” he agreed with me. He knew how it was. Animal had a way of getting stuff out of me that no one else ever could.
“Then you and I get a mansion. I want four bedrooms for you and four for me.” I put my hand in the air and pointed at the stars that made up the Big Dipper. Those were his stars. The Little Dipper was mine.
I could see his pinkie tracing the stars that made up me. “We living together, T?”
I stopped describing the mansion. I knew I was blushing, but he couldn’t see me. I recovered. “Just until we’re adults. So I can forge notes for you. And you can relocate spiders for me.” I was good at signing adult names.
He started in with his deep chuckle. “I’m down. But we’re getting golf carts and a chef for fourteen million.”
I let my hand fall backwards, tucking it near my head.
I watched as his hand mimicked the movement of mine. His fingers grazed the palm of my hand. I held my breath.
The touch was so incredible. That was what I missed most with my mom. Just the touch. One human to another.
I noticed his fingers twitch, but he left them there. The warmth traveled from my hand to my heart.
This kid. This guy. Looking at the stars. He was the only friend I had. I loved him. He could make even this special. When we had nothing between us worth selling or bragging about, he gave me the stars.
And I gave him a home to share with me in my mind.
“We’re going to be all right. Someday. I promise you.”
The touch that had been just an accidental graze became a full-on handhold. He adjusted his hand so he could squeeze my fingers. I heard him gasp as he kept his balance. The injuries were hurting him.
“We’re going to fight for it,” he promised.
I squeezed his big hand in return.
Animal saved me all the time in the smallest ways. Tonight was one of them.
Animal
“If I leave—if I had to go, would you watch my mom?”
I sat up and turned so I could see her. My rib made me wince. “You going somewhere?”
She started to sit up and I offered her my hand to help. She used it and then held it. “They’re going to put me back in that place. Do you know how many doors there were between me and the outside?”
“Maybe start talking, T?” I hated where this conversation was headed. And she’d started talking a bit when she was in, to me anyway.
“Can’t. I can’t let them in. It’s not going to work that way. I want to go to school. But now they’ll know that I’m not locked in to an address if I run. And Marybeth will hunt for me around town until she finds me.”
Marybeth. The foster mom. I actually could see what T was saying. Marybeth would be the kind of person to search every damn place for T.
And the court-appointed psychologist visits would be another way adults would track her.
“Can you answer my question? About my mom?” T turned and sat cross-legged on the divider.
I rubbed my forehead. “If you weren’t here? I’d be super miserable, but I’d watch after your mom until I died.”
“I’ll be back. You know. From time to time you’ll see me.” She rubbed her thumb on my palm.
I felt like I should try harder to convince her to stay. The homeless thing sucked so much.
“Can you think about it? Wait a few days?”
“Nah. You and I know that they won’t let me do this. With you. Be alone when I need it. The door open at least a crack. I mean, we’re not stupid. I’m in the eighth grade. I’ve got at least two more years where I have to be in school. This town won’t let me be.” She shook her head as the different things I wanted to say to her died on my tongue.
“You going to be okay?” She was worried about me now.
“Please, T. You know I get what I need. I’ve got it all laid out.”
She pulled a backpack out from behind the divider. Shit was serious. T was really leaving.
She got off and motioned for me to do the same. When we were standing in front of each other, she went up on her tiptoes and gave me a quick kiss on my lips.
“Stay safe.”
“You, too.” I watched her until I couldn’t see or hear her anymore. I felt the pain slice through where our future should’ve been. I was pissed. I felt my nostrils flare, because I could hold the pain in. This wasn’t my first time.
T walked out of my childhood and became a myth that I would search for for a long time. I had her hospital bracelet and she had mine. That was how I knew she was real as the years grew long. She did leave me a parting gift, though. It was just a suspicion, but Smiley’s body was found floating in the river a few weeks after she left.
Chapter 17
Animal
I got a new member of my family less than a year later. Merck’s beautiful plans of getting me, a kid named Fenix, his mom, Elise, and the daughter in the house had crumbled.
His wife was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer, even though she didn’t smoke a day in her life. His mistress went missing, and the scumbag father was cagey as shit.
Merck’s visits with me dropped off, but I knew where to find him if I needed him.
His off hours were spent nursing his wife. The daughter that he thought could be his was named Ember and living with an aunt.
The night I met Nix, I had a visit from Merck earlier in the day.
He’d told me that his wife was in remission and that Elise was still missing. He was looking for her as best he could. He’d scared off the asshole she was married to.
Merck arranged for Nix to be offered a spot at the home for children where I was staying.
“Listen, none of this is going the way I wanted it to. This kid— Elise was crazy about him. Has a sweet demeanor. Tried to protect her all the time. He’s screwed up in the head. Has to be.”
“I’m bringing him here. And in my alternate universe, Nix would be your brother, and my possible daughter would be your sister. So keep an eye on him if you can.”
Merck had asked very little of me in all the years I knew him. He asked me to keep his secret, about Nix’s now missing mother and the fact that he was likely Ember’s father. The conversation we’d had was fairly despondent. Merck felt it was best for Ember to not be alerted to her possible parentage. I had to respect that. He felt she was having the best childhood with her aunt. If I were Ember I’d want to know about the possibilities, but I kept that opinion to myself.
Merck’s wife, Kinsey, was not well. The cancer had ravaged her system and, despite the remission, had brought a slew of medical problems to the surface. He took his vows seriously. I didn’t think it was a great idea, but here we were.
The next day I walked downstairs to a skinny, handsome kid wearing Sister Mary’s nightgown while making a papier-mâché elephant head.
I made fun of him for it, just because it seemed like a good icebreaker.
Then a dipshit that had been at the home about six months decided to say something, too. I reacted before I remembered I was supposed to be undercover for Merck and knocked the kid’s lights out for saying anything to my man Nix.
My loyalty was a given, considering Merck had asked, but it turned out I liked Nix.
I didn’t know if we’d have been friends without intervention—he was introverted. But I was glad I insisted every day that we hang out. I got to k
now him.
Six months in, he shared with me that his mother was murdered in front of him. I knew the loyalty I had from him equaled mine.
After we had lights out, I climbed out of the home and texted Merck.
He’d been looking for Elise for years. My guess was that he wasn’t looking too hard because he suspected the truth. Maybe hope is better than despair. But now I had an answer. One I hated, but at least I knew for sure. When he pulled around in the squad car to pick me up, I realized how much he’d aged in the lights from the parking lot.
His wife’s illness. The love of his life disappearing and leaving her kids—and even me. Being invested in me had drawn him out.
I got in the passenger side and we drove around for a while. His cop instincts were no joke because he didn’t push me. I was guessing he already knew she was dead—or suspected it strongly. Hell, how was I supposed to know how it was between them?
He pulled the car to the edge of the river. Still we sat.
“We’re friends now. Nix and I.” I peeked over at Merck’s stoic face.
Merck didn’t respond. He just looked out over the water.
There was no easy way to say it, so I just laid it out. “Nix saw his father kill his mom. Had to help bury her in the yard.”
I didn’t know words could feel like knives coming out of your throat until I said those to him. I looked away while they fell on him.
Just quiet. No reaction that I could sense. I expected screaming. Anger. Maybe resignation. But there was just nothing.
I looked over at him again, and I realized I was wrong. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. I wasn’t even sure he knew they were there.
His heart was breaking deeply.
I clapped my hand on his shoulder. “I am so sorry, Dad.”
And that’s when he gasped, like he finally remembered how to breathe. He wrapped his hands around the steering wheel, but not before I saw them shaking. His knuckles went white.
It was the first time I’d called him Dad, and I hoped it was the right move. I had no idea how else to comfort him.
We sat like that, my hand on his shoulder for a long, long time that night.
He didn’t say it, but his regret was etched even deeper in his face when he dropped me off.
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