Leveled

by Jay Crownover

  I lowered myself to the floor and told the little boy to go sit next to his sister and told them both to try and pull me over. They huffed and puffed and obviously didn’t get anywhere until I gave in and let them both fall backwards. They collapsed in a fit of giggles until I pulled them back up.

  “How would you guys like me to show you some things you can do together at home, fun stuff like this that will help your sister out?”

  The little boy looked at his sister and then down at the floor. “I hurt her. I’m not supposed to be too close to her anymore.” He sounded heartbroken and it made my back teeth clench together. I was going to tell him it was okay, that when we hurt someone it was our job to try and make the hurt all better, but the little girl struggled to get her body – a body that suddenly wouldn’t follow her commands – closer to him. The little boy fell into her outstretched arms and started crying.

  I had to blink back a wash of tears myself as the little girl petted the top of his head and muttered soothingly, “It’s okay, Sammy. It was an accident. You didn’t hurt me on purpose.”

  Was that the key to moving forward? Understanding that someone who loved you, who you loved, could hurt you even though they didn’t mean to, accepting it and moving on? For a long time, I struggled with guilt, with regret because I pushed Remy, laid down an ultimatum that was going to make our relationship crash and burn, but I was mad at him, too. Mad he left. Mad I had to put the ultimatum out there in the first place. Mad that when he died I had to suffer and grieve on my own because the rest of the people that loved and lost him didn’t even know I existed. I took that anger out on myself, let my life spiral out of control and did things that justified those feelings of anger and guilt, but now … now I had a new normal with a good man staring me right in the face and I couldn’t pull the trigger because I was scared.

  I was scared of love, where this little girl, this hero, this exceptional human being, was embracing it and using it not only to heal herself but also her family. In the face of such courage, such warmth and delight, I knew there was no way I could continue to let fear and doubt win. I may have lost Remy, but I wouldn’t trade any of our moments together for anything in the world. That brilliant discovery of first love, that sharp sting of first heartbreak, I wouldn’t give any of it up, even knowing how badly it all would hurt in the end. The same went for my relationship with Dom. I wasn’t willing to give him up. I knew it from the get-go that he was a keeper and I was holding on to him, but I’d done a piss-poor job of allowing myself to enjoy falling in love with him. Fear ruined everything and it had taken enough from me.

  When the mother made her way back into the room, I had the little girl on her stomach on the exercise ball and her brother holding her legs as she rolled forward and he pulled her back. She had her arms out like she was Superman even though she was supposed to be using them to pull herself forward. I saw the woman open her mouth to say something to her kids, but she changed her mind and looked at me instead.

  “It’s like how it was before. Like they are just playing around and can’t even feel how tragic and horrific all of this is.”

  “Because to them it isn’t tragic. She’s still here. She still loves him and they will find a way to adapt. So will you if you are open to it.” They still had a long way to go but if they all followed the little girl’s example they would make it there.

  After running through some exercises I thought would be fun for the kids to do together during the week when I didn’t see them, I was headed back to my office when one of the other therapists came and found me to tell me a cop was waiting for me in my office. I tried to keep the chill out of my blood because I knew Dom had his last test with the department today and had no doubts he would pass, but ice still slid through my veins.

  When I pulled open the door, I was surprised to see the pretty redhead he had introduced me to at the bar standing by my bookshelves looking at the pictures. She was dressed in the standard police blues and should have looked dowdy and frumpy but didn’t. The girl was a stone-cold knockout and even a stiff and basic uniform couldn’t hide the fact.

  “It’s so weird to see pictures of the other brother. It’s like looking at Rule if he was from an alternate universe.”

  “That’s how I feel when I spend time with him, only he seems like an alternate Remy to me. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, Royal?” I walked over to my desk and took a seat behind it while motioning to the chairs across the way for her to take a seat in.

  “Dom passed his department physical today. He’s getting his badge back.” She pinned me with dark brown eyes that looked like melted chocolate but held a hint of displeasure in the warmth.

  “I knew he would. I was with a difficult case all afternoon. I spent more time than I normally would with her, so I haven’t looked at my phone. I’m sure he sent a message with the news. I’ll call him and tell him congratulations.”

  She didn’t say anything for a minute, but she did tap her fingers on the top of the hat she had propped in her lap. “It’s a big deal for him. He’s been working really hard to get to this point.”

  I narrowed my eyes a little and felt a scowl settle on my features. “I know. I’ve been there every step of the way right next to him.”

  She blew out a breath and it made some of the dark red hair that curled across her forehead dance. My boy obviously had a thing for gingers.

  “Then why weren’t you there today for him?” It was a simple question, but the answer was complicated. To start, he hadn’t asked me to be there, probably because he knew how hard it would be for me, but seeing the censure on his best friend’s face made it clear that I had been selfish and handled things with him all wrong once again.

  “I should’ve been. I fucked up. I keep fucking up with him.”

  “He’s in love with you, ya know? He’s never really cared about much beyond his shield except for me and his family, but today…” She shook her head and bit down on her lower lip. “It mattered that you weren’t there. He should’ve been thrilled. He wasn’t.”

  I swore again and leaned back in my chair until it squeaked in protest. I ran both of my hands over my face and sighed. “I just had a twelve-year-old show how shitty I’ve been living my life the last few years. I should have been there for Dom but if I had been, I would’ve missed the moment that made me realize I need to get my head out of my ass. I’ll fix this, Royal. I promise.”

  She nodded again and a lopsided smile crossed her face. She was a stunner, but she also had a really kind heart. I could feel it envelop me as she told me, “You can start by following me down to the Bar for an impromptu surprise celebration party. He was obviously bummed you weren’t there and took off for home as soon as he was released from the test. I sent his little sister to drag him out so we can give him a proper congratulations. Some of his buddies from the force will be there and so will his family. I also rallied my people, so the Archers will be there as well. He deserves more than a phone call, Lando.”

  Guilt and shame slithered down the back of my neck. I put my hand to the shivering skin to try and stem the sensation. “He deserves everything. I’ll be there. I just need to finish up a few files before I head out for the day. It seems like it’s the day for inspiring women to hand me my ass.”

  She tossed her head back and laughed. “Glad to be of service. Ari won’t get out of class for another hour, so you have some time. Bring him some flowers or balloons or something. That would be adorable.” Her dark eyes twinkled.

  “I’d bring him a six-pack of beer before flowers, but since this shindig is at a bar, I don’t think that will fly.”

  She gave a wistful sigh as she climbed to her feet and situated her hat back on her head. “You love him, too. I’m so relieved. I was stressing out over all the ways to ruin your life if you didn’t. I was going to ask Asa for help and that would have been bad news for all of us. My man has trouble down to an art form. I’ll see you later.”

  She swept out o
f the room and I was left feeling properly chastised and impressed by her visit. It was easy to see why Dom was so fond of her.

  I dug my cell out of the desk drawer I left it in when I was with clients and fired it up. I had a missed call from my brother and a text from my mom but nothing from Dom. It made my heart squeeze and that shiver of shame turn into a full-on quake of disgrace. I was turning this all around right now. I was living life and not letting fear keep me stuck in place and away from all the great things that I could be moving towards.

  I hit Dom’s number and groaned when it went to voice mail. After his deep voice finished with the greeting, I left a short and sweet message. “I hear we have reason to celebrate. I’m so proud of you, Dom. I can’t wait to tell you in person.”

  I hung up and finished with the files I needed to keep updated for billing and insurance and then headed out to Rome’s bar. It didn’t even occur to me that I should be nervous that Royal had said Dom’s family was going to be there and I would be meeting them for the first time. I started to sweat a little even though it was chilly out and bounced my keys up and down in my hand as I pulled the door open.

  The bar was already pretty full. Familiar faces mixed with ones I had never seen but they all looked excited to be there and happy to be gathered together. There was plenty of police presence and I caught sight of an older woman with dark hair who had to be Dom’s mom. When a younger woman with similar coloring and the same olive-green eyes as my guy appeared at her side, I knew I was looking at Dom’s family. I was going to put my big-boy britches on and go introduce myself when I got sidetracked by a shoulder bump.

  I looked over at Rule and involuntarily sucked in a breath like I always had to do with him.

  “So your guy is going back to work. You work all that out up here?” He tapped a tattooed finger to the side of his head.

  “Yeah, I mean not all the way, but I’m not going to walk away because of his job. I realized today how stupid that would be.” I sighed. “I stayed with Rem when he didn’t want to come clean about what was going on between us, when that was a much better reason to leave.”

  Rule nodded and clapped a hand on my shoulder. “Rome and I were both so pissed when Shaw finally told us about Rem. We felt betrayed, lied to, and since he was gone, the only person who we could take it out on was her. She didn’t deserve it and then I was pissed at him for being gone, so I couldn’t be mad at the right person. Anger takes up a lot of space and if you let it, it’ll push out all the other good things that are waiting to be felt.”

  He pointed across the big room to where his pretty blond wife was talking to another blond woman. It took me a second to realize that I knew her, well, had met her. It was the lawyer with man problems from the gym, and if I had to guess, I would bet the source of those problems was the hunky guy with the beard who towered above the rest of the crowd and couldn’t take his eyes off her. I turned back to Rule who was still talking.

  “I had to lose everything before I realized that I didn’t want to be angry at him, I didn’t want to be angry at all. I wanted to love him and remember how special he was. I wanted to cherish the time we had and not taint it by turning his absence into an excuse I could use to be a dick to the people who cared about me. Don’t lose anything, dude. And don’t use what you had with my brother as an excuse not to love someone else. He would hate that.”

  I didn’t have any words. All I could do was turn and take this tattooed, pierced replica of my first love into a hug that finally made me feel like I had permission to move on. It was okay to be mad that someone you loved hurt you unintentionally, as long as that’s not all you were. The sentiment and the lessons might have been Rule’s, but the kindness and understanding that I needed all of that felt like shadows of forgiveness and understanding from Remy. He hugged me back and just as I was about to thank him for setting me free, the door to the bar swung open and I heard Dom grumble, “I’m tired. It was a long-ass day and I don’t care if you told Royal you would bring me out for a drink. You tricked me into leaving my apartment, Ari. Next time you tell me you need me to come change your tire I won’t believe you.”

  A husky female voice barked back, “Stop being such a sourpuss. One drink won’t hurt you, grouchy pants.”

  I looked over Rule’s shoulder where I was still holding onto him and my eyes locked with Dom’s. I saw him do a double-take, his eyes widening as he took in the crowd gathered to celebrate his accomplishment and then narrow into slits as Rule let go of me and took a step to my side. I took a step towards him as he took one back towards the open door, his eyes locked on Remy’s twin. The twin who shared the face of the boy on my wall. The twin who he didn’t know was the surviving one of the set because Remy was dead. My omission, my inability to talk about my first love was about to smack me right across the face.

  “Not so out of the picture after all, is he, Lando?” Dom’s voice sounded like acid poured over rusty nails.

  “No, Dom …” But my explanation came too late as he stormed back out the door, leaving a room of stunned faces staring after him and his adorable little sister looking like she wanted to take a carving knife to my balls.

  “What the hell?” Rule snapped the question out as I rushed towards the door.

  “He doesn’t know Remy is dead. I never told him and I still have pictures up in my house of the two of us. I told him things ended badly. He doesn’t know because I was too much of a coward to tell him.” Panic made my words rushed and jumbled together as I threw them back over my shoulder at Rule.

  “And we have the same face.” Rule’s voice was understanding, as I was stopped by Dom’s sister, who put her tiny hand on my arm as I hit the door.

  “So far I am not a fan of you, Mr. Fancy-Pants. You hurt his feelings by not being there today and now you have him running away from his surprise party. Royal likes you and says you two are good together, but if you keep hurting my brother”—her eyes were narrowed and I noticed they were a much brighter, sharper green than Dom’s—“I will hurt you.”

  I pulled out of her grip. “I’m gonna fix it. Just give me a chance.” I was making a shit first impression on the people who mattered most to him, but as long as Dom would hear me out I would worry about fixing that later. If I thought the fear of losing him to something violent and uncontrollable on the streets was bad, I was wrong. The fear of losing him because of my own stupidity, the idea that he could walk away because of my own failings and hang-ups passed fear and went straight into stone-cold terror.

  I had to do what I did best. Fix something that seemed unfixable.

  Chapter 13

  Dominic

  When I passed the conditioning test and the sergeant in charge of administering it shook my hand and told me I could get my badge back as early as next week, I thought I would be filled with so much accomplishment and joy that it would burst out of me. Instead, I shook the man’s hand back and wondered why it all felt anticlimactic. I thought maybe it had to do with the fact there was no lanky ginger there to congratulate me or to appreciate how far we had come together. Maybe it had to do with the fact Royal had been there, with her new partner. Making it clear that I was going back to work but things were different … I was different. Maybe it had to do with the fact I ran the course with twenty other recruits, huffing and puffing alongside the new generation, a generation that didn’t know how bad it could be out there on the streets, a generation that still had the same shiny idealism and drive that I started out with but had let slip and slide somewhere along the way.

  Whatever it was, I just wanted to be alone for a minute and get my head out of the dark and cloudy place it had slipped into. I wanted a beer and some quiet, but I should’ve known my family wouldn’t stand for that. I’d made such a big deal, such a fuss about going back to work that there was no way they were going to let me throw a pity party when a regular party was just as easy to throw together.

  I knew Ari had something up her sleeve when she showed up at my apartme
nt after class and told me she needed me to change her tire for her. First of all, I had taught both my sisters how to change a tire on their own before either of them could drive but because she was my little sister and I never told her no, I dutifully put on shoes and followed her out the door. I was a little surprised when she guided me towards the Bar, considering she wasn’t even old enough to drink until I caught sight Asa’s Nova and Lando’s Jag in the parking lot. Of course, Royal would have a hand in any celebration that was planned on my behalf and all she would’ve had to do was whisper to her boyfriend to clear out the bar for her so that she could have the perfect place to gather everybody.

  I was grumbling about leaving the apartment when the door swung open and before I could fake being surprised and happy to see everyone, my gaze landed on the man I was in love with in the arms of the man he was obviously still in love with. There was always that divide, that distance that kept me from getting all the way to him and the canyon between us stood there in all his tattooed and pierced glory. He sure looked a hell of a lot different than the clean-cut boy in the pictures, but there was no missing that wavy dark hair or those unusually tinted blue eyes.

  I might have been indifferent after the physical, but I was anything but after seeing Lando cuddled up to that tattooed hottie. I wanted to hit something or break something and since the closest thing to me was my little sister I decided I needed to make a hasty retreat. I backed out of the bar like it was on fire and bolted for my truck. Sure, it was the coward’s way out and I had just turned tail and run in front of everyone I had been trying to convince for so long that I was still the same strong, unbreakable guy I always was – proving what a lie it all was. I just needed to get away and get some space to breathe.