by Dana Mason
When my manager announced his retirement a month ago, I thought long and hard about asking for the promotion. It turns out, I didn’t have to ask; they made me an offer before I had the chance. They want me to take over. It’s a huge job, but I know I can do it. The extra money will be a good boost for me and Raegan and it’ll be nice to work less weekends.
I think the change will be good for me. It’s not always easy to watch happy people join their lives when I know I’m nowhere close to such happiness with someone. I’ve barely even dated in years. Between my dad being sick, raising Raegan on my own, and this full-time job, I don’t have time for dating. Even since losing my dad, I haven’t had time… but that’s okay. It gives me more time to devote to Raegan and to this new opportunity.
Raegan is doing really well. She plays soccer and really loves it. Yes, that means I’m a soccer mom. She has perfect attendance at school this year and she’s won several school awards, including student of the month, a good citizenship award, and she’s on the principal’s honor roll list. Recently, she won a spelling bee. It was amazing! I really wish you’d been there. My mother was here for it, although she spent the entire time criticizing everything she could think of.
She’s only gotten worse with Dad gone. I think it’s boredom. Maybe she gets a kick out of making me feel bad about myself. Fortunately, she doesn’t include Raegan in her rants about what a screw-up I am. And to answer your question before you even ask it, no, she’s not impressed about my promotion. She doesn’t care. As a matter of fact, she rolled her eyes when I told her. Then she said, “Really, Rachel, can’t you find something better? Don’t you get tired of being the help? Who would have imagined you’d enjoy a job serving people.”
I hope you’re well. I hope you’re doing something you love and I hope your life is everything you dreamed it would be. I miss you so much… every day.
I love you,
Rachel
Thirty-Four
Raegan
It’s been a long day. Maisie is starting to get on my nerves, and I want to go home. I want my mom. I’m going to tell her I love her and that I’m sorry. I want to tell her about Mike Murphy. Especially now that I’m sure I was mistaken about him being my dad. I know this is what I need to do. Besides, if Mike really was my dad, he would have responded to my last email. I’m sure I’d have been talked to by my mom by now if he was the guy.
When she shows up a little early I’m surprised but so glad. She looks super tired, and I wonder if she slept at all last night. I feel so bad for putting her through this—for making her do this for me. I wish I could take it back. I wish I’d never asked her about my father.
We climb into her car, and I get the usual questions. How are you? Did you have fun with Maisie? Did you sleep well?
“Did you sleep well, Mom? You look really tired.”
She gives me a soft smile and says, “I didn’t get a lot of sleep, but the few hours I got were very restful. Thank you for asking.”
“So… Mom, I have something to tell you.”
“Okay, babe, shoot.”
“I changed my mind. I don’t think you should look for my dad.” As I say this, she’s coming to a stop sign, and she hits the brakes really hard, causing us both to lurch forward. I throw my hand out and grip the dashboard. “Gosh, Mom!”
“Sorry. Crap, sorry, Rae.” She pulls to the side of the road and puts the car in park. “Did you say you don’t want me to find your father?”
“Yeah, I changed my mind. It’s okay if I don’t have a dad. I have you, and that’s all I need.”
The expression on her face turns very sad, but then she looks away as if trying not to cry. “Why have you changed your mind?”
I’m not sure what to say at first, so I think about it for a moment. Looking out at the road in front of us, I consider what I’m doing. It’s all I’ve thought about all week, and I know it’s what I need to do… and I’m really okay with it. “Did you see my dad on Monday? Is that why you came home so upset?”
It’s as if I can see the thoughts as they shuffle through her head. I can tell she wants to lie about it, but that she also doesn’t want to lie. “I did see your dad on Monday. I was planning to talk to you about it tonight. What does that have to do with you changing your mind?”
Avoiding her eyes, I stutter for a minute, trying to find a way to say this without sounding dumb. “Um… I just… don’t really care who my dad is. You’re my mom, and you’re enough for me. I want you to know that.” I look up into her eyes real quick then say, “I’m sorry if you had to go grovel to some jerk who was mean to you because of me. He must have been mean, right? That’s why you were so upset. Honestly, I’d rather not have a dad.”
“Raegan… that is…” She covers her face with her hands and starts crying. Now I feel really bad. Hopefully, I’m not telling her this too late. She scrubs her face clean of tears and beams at me. “God, Rae, I love you so much. You are so sweet and…” She laughs through her tears, and I’m not sure what that means. Is she happy or sad? Before I realize what’s happening, she’s reaching across the seat and hugging me really hard. “Thank you. I’m truly touched by that.” She withdraws, her eyes meeting mine. “Your dad… he… he wasn’t mean to me on Monday. He was understandably hurt and upset.”
She shifts back in her seat and starts driving without saying anything else. I’m watching her, waiting for her to say more, but she doesn’t. She’s still crying, but she’s not talking.
“Mom, I don’t understand. Then why were you so upset on Monday?”
“Because it’s been a very long time and I had to tell him about this secret I’ve been keeping for so long. It wasn’t easy. You can understand that, right? I feel bad about what I’ve done to both of you.” She’s frowning now, and tears are streaming down her cheeks.
“I’m so confused. What’s his name?” I ask, wondering if I was right about Mike… but if Mike is my dad, why didn’t he reply to my email? Why did they wait all week to tell me?
She grins and says, “Let’s get home. I don’t think this is a good conversation for the car, okay?” Not that it matters because she’s turning down our street as she says this.
After parking, she quickly hops out of the car and comes to my door to grab my bag. Once I’m out of the car, she hugs me again. “I love you, Raegan. No matter what, okay? You are the most important person in my life.” Then she withdraws from me and stares into my eyes for a moment. “Even if I had to put up with someone who didn’t like me. Even if he hated me, I’d do it for you. This is about you, and should have always been about you. Okay?”
I feel like crying now too, but I hold it back. “Okay, Mom.”
She turns and faces the house, then walks to the door looking a little apprehensive. Which is weird, but she’s upset, so I guess it’s understandable.
I follow her into the house and freeze when I see him. I take a step back and stare at the two of them. Mike’s very straight-faced, and that makes me nervous. I don’t know what that means, but I’m a little afraid right now. I glance up at my mom and say, “Mom?”
“Raegan, this is Michael Murphy, which you already know. He’s your dad.” Her voice cracks as she says this, and I watch as Mike’s eyes leave mine and focus on her.
I stay rooted to the spot, not sure what to do. Not sure how I feel about him or about her reaction to him.
“Mom, what’s happening?” I ask.
“We’re talking,” Mike says. “That’s what’s happening.” He waves me in, as if I don’t live here—like this is his house. “Come inside, put your stuff away. We’re going to have dinner and talk about things.”
I take my bag to my room and then come back to find them in the kitchen, chatting quietly. I enter slowly and approach the table. When my mom looks up, she’s saying, “I just… I’m glad this is finally happening.” She smiles at me and says, “Have a seat.”
I slowly lower myself into a chair and keep my eyes on my mom. She’s watch
ing me too, but I can’t tell what she’s feeling. Between her swollen eyes and faint smile, it’s hard to judge.
“Raegan, Mike told me about the emails, and about you visiting him at the gym.”
“Yeah, sorry,” I say to her, “I was going to tell you tonight. I actually thought I had it wrong.” I look around the table and see the stuff I took from my mom: the photos of Mike, the letters, my mom’s school yearbook. “You went through my stuff!”
“Excuse me,” she says. “You went through my stuff, Rae. And what if you had been wrong about Mike? Do you know how dangerous that could have been?”
I’m not totally sure what to think about this. I’m relieved and happy it’s Mike, but I’m pissed she went through my room and I’m getting a vibe that he’s not happy. I’ve been waiting for this for so long, but now I feel off balance about the entire thing. “I’m confused.” I finally look up at him. “If you guys knew about this on Monday, why did it take you so long to tell me? And how did you get into the house?”
Mike presses his lips together and his eyes seem to search my face for a moment, then he says, “That’s my fault. I asked your mother to give me a few days. I didn’t tell her we’d already met until last night when I put two and two together. I know it’s a surprise, and I’m sorry it took me so long, but I needed to think things through before… this.” Then he gestures toward Mom and says, “As for how I got into the house, Rachel gave me a spare key. We thought me being here was worth the shock factor.”
“Oh, I’m shocked all right!”
This makes them both laugh, and that relaxes me a little. I glance around the kitchen table again, and it’s… weird. Usually, it’s just Mom and me. I think I like it, though.
“I brought dinner with me,” Mike says. “If it’s okay with you, I’m going to make our plates while your mom tells you a story. I heard you like Italian so I picked up a lasagne from this great place near my house.”
I nod and look at my mom. She’s crying again, and that makes me feel bad.
“Raegan, your dad”—she gestures toward Mike—“didn’t know I was pregnant with you. He didn’t know you existed until Monday. He and I have had several long talks this week, and I’ve caught him up on most of your life, but now I want to catch you up on us.” She hesitates for a moment as if she’s not sure where to begin. Then she says, “Remember the story I told you about the pool… how he helped me when I got a cramp swimming?”
I start to answer her when Mike says, “When she was faking a cramp to get my attention—that’s what she really means.”
Mom smiles, and her entire face lights up with it. I’ve never seen her smile like that. Ever. I stare at her, not sure what to think. Her face is still swollen from crying, but she actually looks almost happy.
She rolls her eyes at his teasing and says, “Right, I was faking, but that’s not the point. The point is, I fell in love very young. We were very close for a long time. Our relationship became physical when we were too—”
“Ew, God, Mom! I don’t want to actually know how I was made. Jeez!”
This makes Mike bark out a laugh.
Mom lifts a placating hand and says, “My point is, I got pregnant at sixteen, which you know. What you don’t know is that I left town as soon as I found out and I never told Mike I was pregnant.”
My mom continues to tell me about her pregnancy and moving to Sacramento to live with Grandpa while we eat our dinner. As she's talking, I feel like she’s purposely leaving stuff out. First of all, I don’t understand why she left. I don’t understand why she kept me a secret… and when I ask, she avoids the question.
By the time dinner is finished, my head is spinning, but of all the things she’s told me, one thing is very clear. She’s relieved the secret is out. Another thing that’s very clear is that Mike—my dad—is fixated on her. I’m not sure if it’s affection or something else. He’s very attentive and careful about what he says, and he’s careful around her. Every time he comes close to touching her, she draws away slightly, but I can see it in his eyes. Could they possibly be a couple again? I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess if it makes my mom happy, it’s a good thing, but I still feel like I’m not getting the entire story and I don’t like that. I thought my mom was going to be more open with me now. I thought she understood that I’m no longer a child.
After the dinner dishes are cleaned up, we’re talking again, but I see Mike look at his watch. “I think I should get going. It’s getting late, and I know you’re tired.”
“Wait… already?” I say, standing quickly. I don’t want him to leave. Not yet. “We have a guest room. You can stay the night. Mom, tell Mike he can spend the night.”
“Oh, Rae, his sister Diana is in town—”
“Sister? You have a sister?”
“I do, yeah, she’s here with my niece for the opening.”
“Wait, I have a cousin? I’ve never had a cousin before.” I stare at him, not sure what to think about that. “What’s she like?”
“Her name is Olivia, and she’s seven.”
“Does she know how to swim? Maybe they can come over and swim with us. We have a pool. Do you like to swim?” Mike smiles, and it’s not his normal smile. This one is different. He’s staring at me, and it almost makes me shy. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to bombard you with all my dumb questions.”
“No!” he says, “I’m excited about this too. I’m excited for you to meet my family. I’m so glad you want me here… asking me to stay the night, that’s really cool, Raegan.” He glances over at my mom, and I do too, just to find her watching me like I’m about to turn into an alien or something.
She shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry… I… how about…?” She stops and looks around for a moment. “How about we have your family dinner here next Saturday, Mike? Do you think your parents would mind? I know you want them to meet Raegan and the girls can swim. We can all swim. I can cook… we can celebrate the opening… it’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, and Mom can pretend to get a cramp again—then you can save her.” I laugh at my own joke, but they do too, so that makes me feel a little less stupid.
Mike’s laughing, but then he nods and says, “I think that would be cool. I can ask my parents since they’ll be in town. I’m sure Diana would love to bring Olivia, and she’s dying to meet you, Raegan.”
“Oh my God, I can’t wait.” I jump up and down and then hug him really tight. About halfway through the hug, I realize what I’m doing, and I realize how hard he’s holding me. I’m so happy I hold on and let him do it. I inhale his scent and realize this is what dads smell like. I remember my grandpa always smelled good too. Even Uncle Mitch has a smell, and he’s not even a dad. Thinking about it makes me want to cry, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I try really hard to hold it in.
When Mike lets me go, he lowers himself so that we’re eye to eye. He stares at me for a long time, then he says, “Listen. I want you to know that I’m really happy. It’s important to me that you understand that if I had known about you, I would have been here. I would have been here for you and your mom.”
This does make me cry, but when I feel my mom’s arms wrap around me from behind, I feel a little stronger.
“Raegan, I also want you to know that while I’m glad you found me, it could have been dangerous. Please don’t keep big secrets like this from your mom. We…” He points between us. “Are living proof that big secrets only hurt people. This one worked out, but usually, they don’t. Okay?”
“I know.” I lay my hand over my mom’s arm around my shoulders and say, “I’m sorry for lying to both of you, but I really was going to tell Mom tonight.”
He nods and smiles at me, then his eyes light up. “Hey, do you want to hang out with me at the gym this week? You’re out of school, right?” His eyes lift to Mom. “Is that okay with you?”
I feel her nod against my head and in a nasally voice, she says, “I think that’s a great idea. But, Raegan, h
e has a big event this weekend, so you have to let him get his work done.”
I hold up my hand and say, “I will, I promise.”
Thirty-Five
Rachel
I’ve decided to take half a day off work today to prepare for the party with Mike’s family tomorrow night. I’ve felt light as air all week, and I’m glad it’s the weekend so I have time with Mike and Raegan. I know it’s his big opening weekend, but that’s something to be excited about. It’s something I get to be there for. I’ve missed so much with him, and he’s missed so much with Raegan and me, that we have a lot of catching up to do.
Raegan has spent nearly every day this week with Mike at the gym and she’s having a blast. I, on the other hand, have been avoiding him. It’s hard to be close and not touch him or show my feelings openly. I don’t think Raegan is ready to learn about our relationship yet. I want her to get to know him on her own first.
Mike texts and calls me regularly and, when Raegan isn’t nearby, we’re all over each other, but that’s not often. She even spent some time with his sister and Olivia this week too, and that gave me and him a little time to hang out. She met Diana at the gym on Monday and they came over Monday night so the girls could spend time together and swim. It was a little intense at first. Mike wasn’t there so I had to face Diana alone, for the most part, but with the girls swimming, we had a chance to talk. It was good, and I felt a great deal of relief after.
Diana actually apologized for reading the journals, but it wasn’t necessary. I’d rather she read about the last fourteen years than try to explain them. Now, I have to face his parents. That’s not something I’m looking forward to.
When someone approaches my door, I don’t look up at first. I’m signing off my computer and about to leave, but then I hear Isla, and the tone in her voice when she says my name draws my eyes up. That’s when I see my mother standing behind her. Isla’s wide-eyed and says, “Your mother is here, Rachel. What a surprise.”
