by Dana Mason
I jolt out of my chair. “Mom! Yes! What a surprise.”
“Yes, so I gathered,” she says, not trying to hide her sarcasm. This is why I make my staff tell her we’re booked when she calls. She’s rude and inconsiderate, and I don’t want her here abusing them. “It’s funny how you’re the manager here yet you can’t manage to get your own mother a suite when she’s coming to visit.”
I walk around my desk to give her a kiss on the cheek, fighting against the nervous tension that attacks me at the sight of her. I wish like hell she’d just go away. I don’t need this complication right now, not when everything is going so well with Raegan and Mike. After the quick embrace, I clamp my hands together so she doesn’t see the slight tremor I’m having trouble hiding.
She’s impeccably dressed in white slacks and a silk blouse. My mother is the complete opposite of me. She’s very fair-skinned with hair so blonde it’s almost platinum. She’s angular and willowy, with no curves to speak of, which is probably why she likes to call me fat. Her hair is trimmed into a short pixie cut, and it’s now nearly pure white, which I’m sure was done in a salon. She’s only fifty-six, and that’s much too young for white hair. As I take a step back from her, I get a whiff of Chanel No5, her signature scent, and it actually makes me a little nauseous… and that pushes my usual sense of guilt to the surface. I love my mother, I really do, but I don’t like her very much most of the time.
“Don’t you want to stay with Uncle Mitch? I know he likes having you there.”
“No, Rachel, I’d like to be close to you. I do actually come here to visit you and Raegan.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I’d known you were coming, I would have had the chance to make arrangements.”
“Darling, maybe it’s time to sell that dinky little place you’re living in and buy something larger. Then I could stay with you when I’m in town. It’s not like you can’t afford it. Uncle Mitch tells me your trust fund is still sitting untouched.”
“No, I like my place, and I do have a guest room you could stay in.”
“That’s not a guest room, it’s a…” She waves her hand as if looking for the word. “It’s a workspace,” she says as she looks around my office. It’s like she’s inspecting it. Looking for something wrong. “And where is Raegan today? I expected her to be at Mitch’s. Doesn’t she spend her off days there?”
I glance through the glass door to see Isla watching us hesitantly. Now what? She lifts her hands as if to show me bear claws, and her face scrunches into a growl. I’m not sure what that means, but it almost makes me laugh. I have to look away from her to keep my composure.
“Actually, I’m glad you asked about Raegan. She’s… she’s um…” Crap. I’m really not in the mood for this fight, and I really didn’t want to have this conversation at work. “She’s with her father.”
My mother’s head turns in my direction but slowly, which makes me suspect this news isn’t a surprise. At least now I know she’s here because of my last conversation with Uncle Mitch. “Raegan doesn’t have a father, Rachel, so I’m not sure what you mean.” Her entire body shifts in my direction, and once she’s fully facing me, she crosses her arms over her chest.
“She does have a father. She might not have known him until recently, but she has always had a father. She’s also very happy to have him in her life, as he is happy to have her in his.”
“Are you telling me you went against what we agreed and reconnected with Michael Murphy? Really, Rachel, I thought you’d grown out of your high school fantasies. I’m actually shocked at how pathetic you must have felt to search out an old boyfriend from high school of all places.”
I’m shocked that she remembers his name so well and, as horrible as she is, it almost makes me smile. I’m afraid of the amount of pleasure I’m going to get out of telling her this.
“Actually, Mother, Raegan found him herself.”
“Rachel, that’s ridiculous. Why can’t you just admit that you’ve gone against our deal? What a disappointment it is to see you blame your daughter for this. Is it really that hard to find someone new at your age?”
“Excuse me!” My back straightens. “I’m not making this up. Raegan went through my stuff in storage in Mitch’s garage. She found Mike’s name, and she looked him up. He happens to live in Sacramento.” I mirror her and cross my arms over my chest, my nervousness turning into anger. “Also, I’d like to say what a disappointment you are. After all these years, can’t you be happy that Raegan is happy? Why is it, exactly, Mother, that you hate Michael so much? He was always perfectly respectful to you. Kind, even though you were never nice to him. Jesus, Mother, I remember him bringing you flowers on Mother’s Day.”
“He can’t bring Raegan happiness. He’ll only screw it up.” She points her finger at me and lifts it, then lowers it to my feet. “Look what he did to you. Getting you pregnant… and you were just a girl.”
Here we go… now, this. As if she didn’t hate him before I got pregnant. I love how she breezes right over that fact.
“Get him away from Raegan before he screws up her life too. It’s really the only thing the men in his family can do, destroy the lives of the women they love.”
“What the hell does that mean? You’ve never met any of the men in his family. You wouldn’t even take the time to meet his parents when we were in school.”
She lifts her perfectly arched brow at my curse, but I don’t care.
“I will not keep him away from Raegan. However, if you can’t show Raegan’s father some respect, I will keep you away from her.”
“And what have I done wrong?” She lays her hand on her chest lightly as she feigns offense.
“You know exactly what you’ve done. You said yourself I went back on our deal. A deal you bullied me into making. A deal I haven’t told Raegan about because, for some reason, I felt the need to keep the full truth from her… to protect you.”
“Rachel, do not threaten me. Everything I’ve done was to protect you and Raegan. Surely you can see that? All of the decisions I’ve made have been in your best interest.”
“What is it about Michael that makes you think he’s not the best for me? I love him. I’ve always loved him. Do you not see the difference in me today versus the way I’ve been feeling for the last several years?” I take a step closer. “Look at me, Mother. Don’t you see a difference?”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
“Do you realize that I spent years in a suicidal depression? You pay close enough attention to me that you can criticize every aspect of my life, but you didn’t recognize the signs of distress when they were right in front of your face. Honestly, Mother, are you purposely obtuse, or do you just not care?”
She rolls her eyes at this. “Now you really are being ridiculous. That’s a complete exaggeration. You’d never harm yourself. You just wouldn’t do that.”
“Four years ago, I was raped. I know you don’t know that… but telling you now feels like the only way to make you understand. After being raped, I was so distraught, I could hardly function.” I fist then flex my hands when I say this and I realize it’s not only out of frustration but a way to symbolize letting go. I’m letting it go—I need to.
“I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m not sure what this has to do with Michael Murphy.”
“A lot of the reasoning behind those suicidal thoughts was knowing I could never face Mike after being violated in that way. I knew I couldn’t tell him what had happened—I knew I’d never be able to explain why I didn’t fight harder to stop it. Why I wasn’t brave enough to report it. Why I’d never want another man to ever touch me again.”
“I don’t believe something like that could happen and you wouldn’t share it with me. Does Uncle Mitch know?”
“No, I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time. I’ve told my therapist… we’ve talked about it, and that got me through my depression—that and medication. I told Mike when we reconnected. It wasn’t easy to sh
are it with him, but a funny thing happened after telling him. Having him there, telling him everything about Raegan and sharing this with him, and having his forgiveness has given me a great deal of freedom—a liberation really.”
She’s staring at me, but she doesn’t speak and more than anything I wish I could read her thoughts. I feel exhausted with this conversation, but I know I need to say these things to her. I need to get this out of my system and let her know what a huge part she had in this. “You see, Mother, I had to come to terms with the fact that I’ve allowed myself to be a victim of so, so many people, including you. I’ve spent my life not fighting back. I’ve spent my life allowing people to bully me and victimize me, including the man who raped me.”
“I don’t understand what any of this has to do with me. What have I done to victimize you? I suppose it’s a good thing you’re taking medication. You sound a little raving.”
“You see, right there is a perfect example. You’re a textbook narcissist. You constantly belittle me and put me down to make yourself feel superior.”
“That isn’t true. You act like I don’t love you at all. You act like what you’re saying doesn’t affect me.” She takes a step back and sits in one of my guest chairs and it surprises me. She’s usually so on guard. Sitting during a fight is one of the biggest signs of weakness I’ve ever seen from her. “Have I been that horrible a mother to you? So bad that you blame me for not reacting to something I didn’t know about?”
“You’re missing the point. You taught me to be quiet. To not talk back to anyone. To not protect myself. You’ve taught me that because I’m a girl, I have no power.” I tap my chest and say, “But I’m finally realizing that I do have power. That I have a voice and it’s with this voice that I have to tell you… Mike, Raegan, and I are going to be a family. You can either embrace it, or you can hate it, but it’s happening, and you will not interfere.” I walk back around my desk and take my purse from the drawer, getting ready to leave.
“Rachel, stop,” she says, and I’m tempted to keep going, but I don’t. “Don’t spew hate at me and then leave. That’s no way to communicate.”
I turn back to face her. “If you’re truly willing to have this conversation with me, I will sit down and talk to you. But if you’re going to criticize me or act like my feelings aren’t valid, then I don’t have anything else to talk about.”
Her eyelashes bat for a moment and I can tell I’ve taken her by surprise. “I would like to talk,” she finally says. When I sit down across from her, she links her fingers in her lap and says, “I am truly sorry you were hurt. I never wanted that. I’ve only ever wanted to protect you. When you were young, I was afraid Michael would eventually hurt you. I was trying to prevent that.”
I stare at her for a moment, not sure what to say. She’s never apologized for anything, not really. Sure, I’ve gotten some passive-aggressive apologies when she was only trying to shut me up, but never anything heartfelt. It almost makes me not want to believe her.
“What you need to understand is that losing Mike is my biggest hurt. Nothing ever could or ever will hurt me like losing him, and that’s not to mention what it’s been like for Raegan to not have a father.”
She purses her lips and I can tell this is really hard for her. She picks off the tiniest bit of lint from her white slacks and says, “I’m starting to see that… I guess I didn’t realize how important he was to you. But…” Her eyes lift to me and I see something I’ve never seen before. She’s always been cold, even to me, her own daughter. But now, I can see emotions, regret, hurt… even heartache in her eyes. “No, that’s not true. Honestly, I recognized how strong your feelings were. It’s the reason I did what I did.”
“You purposely did this because you knew how much I loved him?” I’m so confused by this conversation, and I’m starting to lose my patience.
“Rachel, I once loved someone like that, and it hurt me to my core. I felt that by taking you away, I was saving you from the same fate.”
I’m absolutely floored. I don’t know what to say. My mother has never, ever told me anything personal about herself. She’s essentially been a stranger to me most of my life.
Sensing my confusion, she says, “My senior year of high school I fell madly in love with a boy who I thought loved me just as much. It was… we were…” She hesitates at first but then says, “Very passionate… I saw this with you when you were with Michael. It scared me.”
“Mother… I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Why didn’t you ever tell me about him?”
She looks down at her hands and shrugs. Then her shoulders go back and she looks up at me. “Why would I tell you about someone l loved before your father?”
This, of course, makes me question if she ever did love my father. “It might have helped me understand why your feelings against Mike were so strong.”
“Yes, well… it was never about Michael, and it wasn’t easy to talk about.” She clears her throat and says, “I was hurt badly and it’s the kind of hurt you don’t forget. I wanted to save you from it… but it seems my efforts were in vain.”
“May I ask… what happened with him? Why didn’t it work out?”
Her bright blue eyes lock on mine and for a moment I think she’s not going to tell me, but then she says, “He met someone else. Someone completely different from me, which hurt even more, and confused me. We decided on the same college, and most of our first year was wonderful. I thought he loved me. But as summer approached, it became clear he had fallen for her… and betrayed me. They both betrayed me.”
“So, you knew her? Were you friends?”
She nods. “She was my roommate. We shared a dorm room.”
“Oh, wow. I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.”
She waves a dismissive hand and says, “In the end, it didn’t matter. By fall, I’d transferred to UCLA and met your father. He was very good for me. We had the same ambitions and, well, it wasn’t a fairytale, but fairytales are just make-believe, aren’t they?”
I reach out for her hand and grasp it. “Thank you for talking to me. I wish you’d done it sooner.”
“I guess I should have.” She smiles and says, “If you want to work things out with Michael, I won’t interfere. I would, however, like to have the chance to talk about this more, and make things right.”
I pull my hand from hers and say, “Unfortunately, Raegan and I have plans for most of the weekend, but why don’t we have Sunday brunch here at the hotel? I’ll have the staff reserve a table for us.”
“Oh. Okay. Bunch on Sunday sounds lovely.” She gets to her feet and says, “Maybe I could spend a little time with Raegan. What about a couple of hours this afternoon? I can bring her home after.”
I think about that for a moment and then finally say, “I’m sure Mike can spare her. He has a lot of work to do… and they have plenty of time to catch up. I’ll give them a call.”
“No, no, you were on your way out when I got here. I’ll call her and set it up.” She leans in and gives me a quick embrace and says, “Thank you, darling. I’ll see you Sunday.”
Then she’s gone.
I watch her go, then give Isla a quick recap of what happened.
“That’s crazy. All this time and you didn’t know?” Isla asks.
“I had no idea.” I glance at my watch and say, “I really need to get out of here or I won’t have time to get my shopping done. I’ll let you know how the weekend went with Mike’s parents.”
“Okay, see you,” she says with a big wave and I rush out of the hotel and to my car.
Once in my car, I rest my head back and give myself a few minutes to calm my mind. What a day. After a few deep breaths, I start my car, but my phone pings before I can leave.
Raegan: Mom, I worked out with Mike today, and he took me on a run. Look what we did.
She’s sent a video of the two of them tossing a medicine ball back and forth, and she’s smiling so widely. They both are. I can hear him giving her instruction
s and making her laugh and I wish I was there too.
Me: It looks like you guys are having a good time. By the way, Grandma wants to spend some time with you today.
Raegan: I know. She’s picking me up, and I’m hanging out with her for a few hours.
Me: Can you try to be home by six? I’d like to get the house cleaned up a little for tomorrow and I need to clean the pool.
Raegan: Okay, Mom. I’ll see you at six.
Me: Okay. I love you.
I switch to Mike’s contact on my phone and text him.
Me: I’m sorry if my mom ruined your afternoon. She surprised me at work today. I just had a really long talk with her.
It takes him a minute to respond to my text, and I’m a little afraid of what he’s going to say. He has every right to be angry about my mother.
Mike: It’s okay. Raegan and I had a good morning. I have a ton to do still and I’ll probably be here for most of the night. Thankfully, Gavin is here to help out. Honestly, I’m a little worried about Raegan spending time with her though. I’m sorry but I don’t trust her.
Me: I know, but we had a long talk and she said she wouldn’t interfere. I’ll tell you about it when I see you. Thank you for being so understanding. How about we barbeque tomorrow?
Mike: Perfect! Whatever you choose will be perfect. I’ll bring drinks and dessert.
Me: I can’t wait. I have a lot to tell you about today.
Mike: I’ll call you later when I get a break.
Me: Can’t wait. Talk later.
When I finish the text, I put the car in drive and head to the grocery store. I still don’t know what we’re eating, but I’ll figure it out while I’m shopping.
