by Dana Mason
Thirty-Six
Raegan
It’s really weird that my grandmother called me and asked me to spend the afternoon with her. It’s not like I’ve never spent time with her, it’s just she’s not usually so nice about it. It’s as if her chipper, friendly attitude on the phone was put on, but I don’t know why she would fake that. It’s unlike her. Although true to her ways, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. And now I feel bad for not spending the rest of the day with Mike like I told him I would. Thankfully, he wasn’t upset about it, and I know he has a lot of stuff to do. I also know we have every day after today. It’s not like he’s going to disappear.
Mike follows me outside to wait for Grandma. He seems uncomfortable, almost angry, but I can tell he’s trying not to show it. It makes me wonder if there’s something about Grandma he doesn’t like. Of course, it wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t get along; he did get my mom pregnant at sixteen. But it’s been a long time. Hopefully, they can get past it. Either way, I don’t want to get in the middle of it, so when my grandma drives into the parking lot, I rush to the car. I give Mike a big wave and then hop in, hoping to avoid him having to speak to her.
Grandma doesn’t give him a second glance. She drives off as if he wasn’t even there. I guess that means she doesn’t care either way. She’s always been the type to ignore people she doesn’t really care about, so I’m not surprised. Once we’re on the road she glances over at me and the big smile she wore when she arrived is gone, and again I have to wonder what she’s up to.
“How are you, Raegan?” Grandma asks, in a tone that’s oddly soft. “Your mom told me that Michael was in your life now. I’m a bit surprised… how do you feel about it?”
“I’m happy about it, and I’m so glad to see my mom happy.”
“Oh, did she say that? That’s also surprising.” She flashes a sad smile and then says, “I’m glad she’s capable of putting on a strong face for you.”
I stare at her for a moment, not sure I understand what she said. Then I think back to last Saturday and the look on my mom’s face. She was happy, right? Wasn’t she? I know Mike was. And I know my mom did a lot of crying. But they were happy tears.
“Why do you say that, Grandma?” I ask. “Why would she need to put on a good face? I don’t understand?”
“Oh, well, if she didn’t tell you, I probably shouldn’t mention it either.”
“Tell me what?”
“Have you had lunch yet, Raegan? Should we stop at the club?”
“No, thank you. I already ate lunch. But can you tell me what you meant?”
I look up to see that she’s entering Uncle Mitch’s driveway. She parks her car and then shifts in her seat to face me.
“Raegan, darling, if your mother didn’t mention it, I don’t think I should. I don’t want to cause a problem between you and your parents. Although, I am a little concerned about you spending time with him. I hope she doesn’t agree to that because she’s afraid of him.”
“Afraid of him?” I think back to Monday and the feeling I had that he’d hurt her.
“I really don’t want to interfere with your parents’ plans now that they’ve reconnected.” She rests her very pale hand on top of mine and gives a slight squeeze. “I will ask you to be careful when you’re with him. Especially when you’re alone with him.”
“Why?” I slide my hand out from under hers and place it in my lap. I’m not sure how I feel about her acting as if there’s something wrong with Mike. He’s been very nice to me, and I know he’s glad to have me in his life. And he really seems to care about my mom. “Why would I need to be careful when I’m alone with him?”
“Raegan…”
“No, please tell me. It doesn’t matter what my mom said and what my mom didn’t say. You obviously have something to tell me, so please say it.”
She gives me a long look then she touches her throat and makes a little clearing sound. Before she starts talking, she glances around to see if anybody’s watching. It’s all very weird.
“Did your mother tell you why she left town when she found out she was pregnant with you?” she asks.
“No, she didn’t.”
“Have you asked yourself why she would do that? Why she kept you a secret from him?”
“I asked her, but she avoided the question. I figured she’d tell me when she was ready.”
“Or she won’t tell you at all because she doesn’t want you to know. That’s why I’m reluctant to say anything now.” She lifts her hand and then lowers it to her lap. “I’m just so surprised to hear she went looking for him.”
“But she went looking for him because I pushed her to. It wasn’t Mom’s idea. I actually found him first.”
“Oh, I see.” Her face looks almost stricken, like she’s received very bad news. “I guess that explains it. She did it for you, even though she might’ve been afraid. That’s like her, isn’t it?”
That makes my heart race. When I first asked her to look for him, she said she was scared. Then, on Saturday, when I told her she could give up looking for him, it was too late. She’d already found him. She said it was okay, that she wanted to see him, but did she say that just for me? Because it was too late? He was already in our house, it wasn’t like she could abandon the plans with him at that point.
Have I put my mom in a dangerous situation, with someone who hurt her? Again, I try to remember how they both acted on Saturday night. Mike’s behavior. It was a little controlling. The way my mom pulled away when he got too close to her. The expression on his face whenever he looked at her. Was it admiration or obsession? And she’s kind of been avoiding him all week. I thought she was giving us time together but maybe it’s more than that.
“You must know, right?” I ask. “Can’t you tell me why she kept me a secret?”
She hesitates for a long time, and I can tell she’s thinking about it. “It’s just that… He wasn’t very nice to her when they were together. She seemed genuinely afraid of him, and while I didn’t want to believe it, I fear he was a bit abusive.”
My stomach bottoms out when I hear this. I feel terrible. What have I done?
“To be honest, Raegan, I suspect he might have even raped her. She probably said no when he made advances toward her. She wasn’t that type of girl, and he’s always been very strong. Much bigger than your mother.” She scoffs then brushes a hand toward the direction of the gym. “You see how burly he is. It’s easy to see why she’d be afraid.”
“I didn’t know.” I feel sick to my stomach, and I want to throw up. What am I gonna do now? Poor Mom. I have to apologize… I have to find a way to get her out of this situation.
“Of course you didn’t know, Raegan. Your mother wouldn’t want you to know that. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but when she got pregnant with you… she agonized over her decision whether or not to have an abortion. In the end, she already loved to you so much, despite what she’d been through with Michael Murphy.”
“Wow… I wish she had told me.”
“Darling, there isn’t anything you can do. Just support her.” She nods toward the house and says, “Let’s go inside and get out of this heat.”
I get out of the car and walk into Uncle Mitch’s house, and as I do, I pull my phone out of my pocket. I bring up my mom’s contact and type out a text.
Me: Mom, were you raped?
Then I backspace and delete the entire thing. It’s too personal a question for a text message and I don’t want to make her feel bad. What I need is a new plan. A plan to get Michael Murphy out of her life. She deserves better. I won’t let her give up her happiness and freedom so I can have a dad. He may be nice to her now, but he’ll go back to his old ways soon. A leopard never changes his spots. That’s what Uncle Mitch always says.
My mom will stick it out too, she’d do it for me. She’d resign herself to the fact that her rapist is going to be a permanent part of her life. She is the type to do that. She always puts others’ need
s before her own. She always goes out of her way to make everyone else comfortable without any consideration for herself. I think that’s why she’s so successful working in the hospitality industry.
I hate that I’ve done this to her. I hate that I’ve put her in this position.
Thirty-Seven
Rachel
Dear Michael,
I’ve never felt so torn in my entire life… including the day my mom shipped me to California after I found out I was pregnant with Raegan. It’s nearly eight in the evening, and I’ve only now started to process the fact that I’ve seen you today for the first time in almost fourteen years. As much as I want to feel bad about how angry you are with me, I can’t. After I’ve been given a chance to touch you again, to feel you against me, to have you touch me, I can’t be upset. Seeing you, telling you the truth, lightens a huge load off my shoulders.
Believe it or not, even if you never forgive me, if you choose to hate me for the rest of our lives, if you never want to see me again, that’s okay because I have the memory of today and that can never be taken away from me. I have the memory of your touch and the image of your eyes, so full of longing and desire, burned in my mind—and nobody can take that from me.
Whatever you feel about me, please know that I’m not Raegan and she is not me. She’s done nothing to you. She has no knowledge of what’s happened between us. She doesn’t know that I didn’t tell you about her years ago, but she suspects I never told you. She doesn’t know what my parents did, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll take the blame. I’ll take her wrath if you promise not to punish her for what’s happened. She deserves a father. She deserves you as her ally in life and as her confidant. She deserves to have you and all your special gifts—all of your love and all of your affection. She deserves to have a large family like yours, and she wants it. Please let her have that no matter what your feelings are for me. She is worthy of all of that.
That being said, Michael, if you choose to forgive me, I can promise to give you the life and love we were always meant to have. I know that’s a stretch for you, especially after finding out that you have a daughter after all these years. I know it’s hard to trust me. I know you want to run, and I know that’s what I deserve. But I promise you, I will never run from you. I will never betray you. I will never, not for one single day, stop loving you. You have always owned this ragged and damaged heart (for what it’s worth), and that will never change.
Fun fact: Raegan has been the one true shining light in my life, and I hope you are lucky enough to see her shine too.
I love you,
Rachel
Thirty-Eight
Michael
It’s not without effort that I let Raegan leave with Rachel’s mother. After everything that woman has done, I’d rather she never see Raegan again. Of course, I’m new to this parenting thing so… I’m trying not to make waves. I don’t want to drive a wedge between Rachel and her mother, even though her mother drove a huge wedge between my family and me.
I watch them drive away and take a deep breath. If I didn’t have so much to do, I’d go on another run. As this thought enters my head, I hear Gavin come up behind me. “Where’d she go?”
“She’s spending the rest of her day with Rachel’s mom.”
He gives me a strange look. “The same woman who caused this mess?”
“The very same.” Before I can say more, my sister pulls into the parking lot with my parents. “Okay… well, it looks like I’m not getting any work done today.”
Gavin slaps me on the back and says, “No worries, Mike. That’s why I’m here to help out.”
I glance at him and I’m so grateful. “I’m sorry for all the distractions.”
“Just get your family situation sorted and don’t worry about things here. That’s why we went into this business together, to back each other up.”
“Thanks, Gavin. Now get the hell out of here before I hug you and cry on your shoulder.”
“Fuck you,” he says with a chuckle, before stepping back inside the gym.
As soon as my mom is out of the car, she wraps me into a huge hug. I hold her for a long time because I’ve actually missed her. I miss the old mom. The mom she was before Bradley died. The mom who always smiled and laughed and was always welcoming and friendly to everyone she came in contact with. I squeeze her a little tighter and send up a little prayer that the old mom is the person I’m hugging and not the bitter, grieving woman I saw the last time I hugged her.
When I withdraw, she is smiling. She places a warm hand on my cheek and says, “You look good, son.”
I grin at her and say, “You look good too. Happy, even.”
She releases me so I can hug my dad. He embraces me like the bear that he is, even lifting me off my feet. That’s not something that happens every day. When he sets me down, he slaps my back and laughs. “You’re heavier, that’s for sure.”
“Hey, Dad,” I mutter when he releases me. I glance at Diana, and she’s smiling, then I see her mouth: I told you. I send her an acknowledging nod and say, “Welcome to Sacramento. How’s the hotel?”
“Oh, it’s a nice place,” my mom says. “Be sure to thank Rachel for us.”
“You’ll get to thank her yourself soon.” I wave a hand at the gym, “Let’s step into the air conditioning.”
I introduce them to Gavin and Brianna before giving them a full tour. During the tour, my parents are full of questions and encouraging comments. It’s so weird… as if I’d stepped back in time. Their attitudes are a complete turnaround from even a year ago. When I’ve shown them everything, we leave Olivia playing in the kids’ area and head into my office. It’s going to be a little crowded, but I know they want to talk about Raegan. I told them over the phone a few nights ago and they were pretty surprised.
Once we’re all tucked inside my small office, my mom surprises me when she says, “Guess who we saw today?”
I glance at my sister, but when she sees my confusion, she says, “We had lunch with Kelley and Mac.”
“Oh, shit… okay. Did you…? Did they…? Wow.”
“I called her last night and set it up. We didn’t just show up on her doorstep,” Diana says.
“Oh, good!” Feeling relieved, I take a seat and ask, “So, how did that go?”
My mom pipes in and says, “It was a bit tense at first, but we expected that.” She gives me a surprised look and says, “She looks good. I’m so glad she’s found someone, and she’s happy.”
I’m not sure if she’s trying to put off telling me what happened or if she’s genuinely surprised that Kelley’s happy. “Mac’s a great guy, and he loves her.”
“Yeah,” Diana scoffs. “He’s super hot too. Why didn’t you tell me that?”
I give her a don’t go there look and say, “How’d it go?”
“Oh, fine,” my mom says. “After we broke the ice and apologized, things were very civil. Honestly, at first, Mac did most of the talking. I think he was giving Kelley time to adjust to being around us.”
“You can’t really blame her for being uncomfortable,” I say, honestly. “You guys really screwed her.”
Shame clouds my mom’s face, and I feel bad, but I don’t take it back. They need to understand. “We know that, Mikey, and we’re trying to make things right. We’re sure it’s going to take time, but that first step has been made, and now we need to move forward.”
“We apologized to her and tried not to make a bunch of dumb excuses,” Dad says, “We also wrote her a letter she can read later when she’s alone.”
“Thanks, guys. I’m glad you’re trying to make it right. Kelley deserved better, and it sounds like things are moving in the right direction.”
“Mikey, we also want to apologize to you… we’re sorry for being so distant with you and Diana. We were lost for several years, and it’s taken a long time to move on.” My mom leans over and places her hand over mine. “We know we’ve hurt this family, but we’re trying to… well… we�
��re trying to be better, and we want things back to the way they were before. Losing a child…” She moves her hand to her chest and says, “It’s like losing a piece of yourself. You must understand that now… well, I know it’s a new thing, but I’m sure your feelings for your daughter are very strong already.”
I’m immediately affected by what she says, and it takes some effort to find my voice. She’s right, I do understand better than I did a few weeks ago. How that happened so fast, I don’t know. It’s the strangest thing. Clearing my throat, I say, “Thank you… I’ve missed you guys.” I get to my feet and hug my mom again, so glad to have them here to meet Raegan and get to know Rachel again.
When Mom withdraws from the hug, she quickly wipes tears from her face and leans back against my dad. His eyes are glassy too, so I reach over her and give him another embrace. Once everyone is smiling again, I say, “So, I know you have questions about Raegan and Rachel. I’d like to talk it out before you meet her. I don’t want there to be any tension when you see her.”
“Mikey, we don’t understand how this has been a secret for so long.” She rocks forward in her chair and says, “Did you know she was pregnant when she left?”
“I didn’t know. Rachel’s mom forced her to move and wouldn’t allow her to tell me. She made threats against the baby and against me, so Rachel left. She did it to protect me.”
“That’s insane.” Dad takes a seat in the nearest chair and looks up at me, amazed. “That’s… crazy. What the hell could she have threatened you with? Are you sure Rachel’s not using that as an excuse for not telling you?”
“I believe her, Dad. I know it sounds sketchy, but I’ve had a few long talks with Rachel, and I believe what she’s telling me. Her mother never liked me, not from the first time we went out. She did whatever she could to keep Rachel away from me.”
