Back for Good

by Heather Mar-Gerrison

  I stopped and turned. Had that come from Wade’s house? His parents were away for the weekend and he was out of rehab, now. Was he alone? Did he need help?

  I waited, the only sound other than the birds and the distant sound of traffic from the motorway was my heartbeat. Come on…

  Another sound pierced the silence. A roar of absolute desperation. That was definitely Wade. I started running…

  Not even caring if it was appropriate or not, I burst into his house without even knocking first. “Wade?” I shouted, “Everything okay, buddy?” Clearly it wasn’t but what else was I supposed to say?

  “In here.” He called, sounding upset and frustrated.

  I went through to the lounge to find him on the floor and quite clearly in a lot of distress and discomfort.

  “What’s happened?” I asked, kneeling down next to him and at a loss of what else to do other than to wrap my arms around him and give him a hug.

  “Damn stupid leg.” He shouted, his voice hoarse with emotion, “It was fine in the clinic – but ever since I got home…” He swore under his breath. Looking back at me he scowled, “I just can’t make the fucking thing do what I want it to do. It’s fucking useless! I’d have been better off being blown to fucking pieces. Why couldn’t I have just been taken out?” He looked away and it was only then I noticed the tear tracks down his face and the look of total anguish and desperation on his beautiful face.

  My heart squeezed painfully in my chest at his words and my blood ran cold, “Don’t say that.” I whispered, hugging him a little closer to me.

  “Why not?” he asked, “I’m no fucking use to anyone anymore – and this fucking thing might as well go in the fucking bin for all the use it is. I’ll never be able to walk on it properly.”

  I doubted that. I wasn’t about to start deluding myself that it was easy but there were plenty of people who could successfully walk with prosthetics. Hell, look at that beautiful runner, Jonny Peacock. You’d have no idea he didn’t have a leg until you saw him run with his blade on. I knew that it had to take some getting used to but Wade wasn’t really giving himself enough credit. It really had only been a matter of weeks that he’d been out of the hospital and in the rehab centre. He’d done well to be allowed home this soon. “Do you need a hand putting it back on?” I offered, hoping against hope he’d say no because I’d really have no clue how to even start.

  He shook his head, “I can do it.” He grumbled, beginning to look a little sheepish at his emotional outburst, “Pass it here.”

  I watched him in quiet admiration as he took a deep breath and then calmly fitted the prosthetic to his leg; his stump was covered up with some sort of stocking and I guessed this was to keep his newly healed skin as comfortable as possible. He didn’t look in pain as such, but it clearly wasn’t particularly comfortable, either. “Does it hurt?” I asked tentatively. I didn’t want to upset him but I wanted to be able to understand.

  He shrugged, “Not as much as it hurts in here.” He patted his chest, “To know I’m not as much of a man as I used to be.”

  I blinked. Not as much of a man? Who the fuck was he kidding? He was a total hero – and definitely my hero. He always had been. “What are you on about?” I asked.

  He looked up at me, his beautiful blue eyes watery with more unshed tears, “Well, let’s be honest, Ed.” He said, “Who the fuck’s gonna want me like this?”

  Me. I wanted to tell him, I want you no matter what. “Well, obviously there’ll still be people attracted to you.” I hedged, “You just have to get back on the horse.” Yes. I was talking utter rubbish.

  He shook his head, “Fuck off,” he said, “no one will ever want me again.”

  I started to feel a little annoyed at his self-pitying attitude. He was still here. He could still function perfectly normally, well, perhaps not as normally as he had before but hell, there was nothing displeasing about the way he looked – and it wasn’t about looks anyway... I loved everything about him and I always had.

  “Well, I’d still want you.” I blurted out before my brain could engage and stop me from blurting out stupid things. Oh, well done, you fucking idiot... just tell him you’ve been in love with him forever, why don’t you?

  *

  He sighed, his face pained, “Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, Ed – but, uh, I still wasn’t gay the last time I checked.” He said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

  I nodded, “I know,” I said, because I did know. He’d told me a while ago – when he’d come home and referred to me as a faggot. That was the last time we’d seen each other before we’d fallen out. This was the first time we’d talked about it since, “and I don’t care that you don’t feel that way about me.” What was the point in him not knowing exactly the way I felt? Now that I’d opened my big mouth I didn’t seem able to shut it again and it was giving away everything… “You’re my best friend and I love you – and I’ll take care of you. I’ll fix you – and I’ll let you go when you’re all better and ready to fall in love with some girl who really deserves you, too.” I smiled at him even though I really just wanted to go and put my head in the oven for being a total and utter prick.

  He looked at me as if I was completely and utterly crazy, “You can’t do that.” He said, “I don’t need your charity and besides – allowing you to take care of me and all… that’s too hard when you...” he looked awkward, “you know? Have feelings for me. It’s wrong. I’m not what you need. Go and find someone whole. Someone who’s gay and who’ll love you properly.”

  He was so wrong. He was everything I needed but I was serious. I’d give him up for someone who was worthy of him. I wasn’t that delusional that I thought he could ever fall in love with me.

  “You’re wrong,” I said quietly, “You’re all I need. You always were.”

  He shook his head, “Look, Ed, we both know that we can only ever be friends.”

  I shrugged and nodded. Of course, I knew that, “I just want to help you get better.” I said. “Just let me help you, mate. I swear I’ll do my best not to let my feelings for you get in the way of us being friends.”

  Finally, he nodded, “Okay.” He said, “Thanks, Ed.”

  Wade

  “You’re all I need. You always were.” His voice kept going over and over in my mind even though he’d left hours before.

  And I knew what he meant, because he’d always been what I needed, too. There was just one problem. I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t even sure if I was bisexual anymore. I’d never identified as anything other than completely straight – and I’d never found any other guy that I fancied since I left home and joined the army. All my mates in the army had been just that – mates. There wasn’t one amongst them that I’d found remotely attractive in that way.

  In fact, apart from having admiration for Franz’s big brother, Eduard, my whole life, I’d always believed that I was straight. I’d had plenty of girlfriends throughout my military career and I’d assumed that my lack of interest in them other than for sex, was just that I was a military man who didn’t have time for romance.

  But I couldn’t deny the feelings that went through me every time I looked up into Eduard’s glorious not-quite-brown, not-quite-green eyes. They’d always managed to turn my insides to mush and warmth had always spread right through me whenever we touched. I’d always thought it was just a really fantastic friendship. A kinship if you like – like he was my soulmate or something…

  I’d never felt like that about women but I thought it was just that girls were different to men and weren’t on the same wavelength. Yeah, okay – maybe I was a little on the naïve side when it came to matters of the heart.

  My longest relationship with a woman had been a record-breaking six months – but when I analysed it, that was only because I was on a mission for five of them.

  I liked women. I liked having sex with women and I thought they liked having sex with me, too. I just hated the whole commitment thing they wanted from me. As soon
as they started to talk about their feelings – and started sentences liked, “So, we’ve been seeing each other a while, now...” or “where do you think this is going...?” I was out of there like a shot before I got sucked in. It always made me feel the same – different girls, hell, all kinds of girls but I always ended up feeling the same way – trapped and suffocating.

  It had gotten to the point that I’d stopped chatting girls up in bars and I hadn’t been with anyone for a couple of months before I was forced to retire after the bomb.

  What now, though? Now I really could do with being trapped. The knowledge that I had a girlfriend waiting for me at home would have been a comfort I those early dark days after the explosion. I needed someone to look after me for fuck’s sake – at least in the short term...

  And I had that – Eduard had said he would be there for me and that was fantastic of him – but I didn’t want to rely on Eduard. It wouldn’t be fair. He’d as good as told me that he was in love with me – and I really couldn’t lead him on.

  I really didn’t want to give him any ideas that I needed him – even though it was beginning to dawn on me that I really did... Needing someone and wanting someone were two different things, though – and there was no way I was going to use him.

  My phone buzzed at around four in the afternoon and I picked it up. It was a message from Ed. “Fancy a head-to-head over the net? Or shall I just come over to yours? I have beer and nibbles.” He’d finished the message with a smiley face poking its tongue out.

  I grinned as I read the sweet message, “Come over.” I texted back, my heart starting to thump in my chest with excitement. I’d always loved gaming with Ed. He might be four years older than me but he was like a little kid when we played. He got so excited and his laugh was so infectious. And heaven knew, I needed a good laugh with my best friend. Since he’d left me again this morning I’d felt pretty down about one thing and another before I’d decided I’d moped enough and had another go with my prosthetic – with mixed results.

  He sent another smiley face and less than a minute later there was knock on the door. That was quick. Had he been waiting outside?

  I dragged myself to the front door, grabbing onto everything I could as I battled to find my balance and to try to get the prosthetic to feel less alien. I opened it and shuffled backwards against the wall to give him room to get inside. “Come on in.” I grinned at him.

  He grinned back, “Well,” he said, “You’re looking better,” he peered closely at my face, “you look a little tired, but definitely better.”

  I nodded, “I decided it was time to get my shit together. I’ve made friends with Petey here.” I patted my leg.

  He frowned, “Petey?” he raised his eyebrows, “Really?”

  I nodded, grinning, “Petey, my prosthetic,” I said, laughing at the look on his face, “I figured it needed a name if I was really gonna embrace it.”

  He grinned back at me, “Great idea.” He said with a chuckle, “But if Petey’s making your leg sore, I really don’t care if he joins the party or not. You can take him off for me.”

  I raised my eyebrows, “It won’t freak you out to see me without my leg?” I wasn’t sure that I wanted him to see me looking so vulnerable but I couldn’t deny the feeling of joy that went through me that he was being so accepting about it.

  He chuckled, “Not at all.” He said, “What will we be doing that needs you to walk around? Whatever makes you more comfortable is absolutely fine with me. Do you need a hand getting it off?”

  I shook my head, “Nah, I’m good.” I said as I sat down and eased it off. I immediately felt better. It was amazing how sweaty my leg got in the damned thing – even with the absorbent stocking over my leg.

  I stretched my arms above my head. Getting used to the prosthetic was almost a full body workout every time I got it on. I felt as if my whole body was readjusting and it probably was. I was definitely using muscles I didn’t know I had before.

  I smiled up at Eduard. He would be perfectly happy to run around getting stuff for us – and hell, I could still hop around the room holding onto the furniture to get to the bathroom if need be or anything. I wasn’t completely helpless.

  *

  Eduard came in from my kitchen with a tray overflowing with snacks.

  He sat down right next to me and grinned at me, “Feeling better?” he asked.

  I nodded. I was mildly surprised to realise that everything was better, now that he was here. “I feel great.” I said sincerely, “Hand me one of those controllers and let’s play.”

  I leaned into him before I realised that he might take it as a come-on but it was too late now, “Thanks for being so great.” I said, “I really appreciate it.”

  Eduard ruffled my hair before he shuffled away from me slightly, “I know.” He said, sounding a little gruff, “I’m amazing. Come on, then – let’s play.”

  I settled myself back against the sofa cushions and seconds later we were having a head-to-head battle on the X-Box, laughing and shouting at each other.

  Finally, Ed won the game and we put our controllers down. “Christ, what time is it?” he asked, “I’m starving,” he checked his watch, “Oh, I’d better get back home, too.” He said sounding a little crestfallen, “Dad’ll wonder what the hell’s happened to me. I told him I’d only be about an hour – he’s making Kievs.”

  I looked up at him, a feeling of disappointment flooding my gut, “Oh, sure.” I said, “You’d better get off. I guess I’ll see you…”

  Eduard

  I bit my lip. He looked so disappointed that I was leaving and I really didn’t want to go home and leave him all on his own. “Tell you what,” I said, “I’ll just go and tell him where I am – and then I’ll be right back.” I said, “He won’t mind. Wanna call out for pizza or something?”

  He nodded, looking happier again, “Sounds great – but can we have Indian instead of pizza?”

  I nodded, “Sure.” I agreed before I headed home.

  Dad was a little disappointed, I’m not gonna lie – but he wasn’t in the least bit surprised that I wanted to spend the rest of the evening with Wade and encouraged me to go back, “You boys have fun.” He said, “He needs his mates around him at a time like this – particularly with everyone else being away.”

  It was true. His sister had moved in with her boyfriend and Roger, his brother, worked away all week. His parents were at the wedding and even though his mother had fretted about leaving him, he’d insisted they go and enjoy themselves.

  I gave Dad a hug, “Thanks, Dad.” I said, “He’s doing really well.”

  I got back to Wade’s and let myself back in, “What do you want to order?” I shouted through to him as soon as I was in, hopping around on the spot as I took my trainers off before I went into the lounge.

  “Chicken tikka masala.” He shouted back, “What else?”

  I chuckled to myself at his answer. He always had that. I didn’t know why I’d even asked…

  “Poppadums and pickles?” I pushed the door of the lounge open and grinned.

  He laughed, “Obviously,” He said.

  I nodded and dialled the number. “Half an hour,” I said, “Fancy a beer?” I’d brought over a pack of twelve earlier – not that I’d expected us to drink more than two or three each, “You can still drink, right – with your pain meds?”

  He nodded, “I’m allowed a beer every now and then, yeah,” he agreed, “Great stuff.”

  *

  We both reached for a poppadum at the same time and our fingers brushed together, sending shock waves through my body and having a very embarrassing effect on my dick. I heartily wished I’d worn my jeans instead of my comfy sweats.

  Wow. That was intense. I deliberately avoided any sort of eye contact, I just went straight for the dips and tried to pretend that nothing at all was happening.

  It’s just your imagination. I scolded myself. He’s straight. He feels nothing for you other than being your frie
nd. Nothing.

  I ate the rest of my curry without even really tasting it. My mind was racing and I was trying my hardest to act perfectly normally. Well, as normal as normal got for me, anyway. I think I managed to pull it off pretty well.

  We had another couple of games and then put Netflix on and I introduced him to the wonderful world of Teen Wolf. Okay, so it was totally because Wade looked a little like Jackson in the first place that I’d started to watch it – and it tickled me that he had the same name as Wade’s surname – not that I was about to admit that to Wade.

  “This is such a load of shit.” He said with a chuckle, “What do you watch it for?”

  I shrugged, “Dunno,” I said with a grin, “I just caught the first one and got sucked in.”

  He nodded, “Well, I like Stiles.” He said, “He’s funny.”

  I nodded, “I just love Jackson.” I said dreamily and then remembered that I was talking to Wade – who was a dead ringer. Fuck. What the hell was wrong with me?

  His lips twitched, “Your type, huh?” he asked, looking straight at me with those ridiculously blue eyes of his.

  I shrugged, “I guess,” I said, “Anyway.” I stood up, “I really need to get going. Will you be okay? Getting yourself to bed and everything?” Please say you can or I’ll be climbing in there with you…

  He nodded, “Sure.” He said, “I’ll uh, see you sometime...?”

  I smiled, “Want me to come around tomorrow?” I offered, “I’m off all week. I get forced to take my holidays because I never use them up.”