The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  Her disappointment overshadowed everything else in her life. That night when she saw him at the dance to celebrate the führer's birthday, Hilde had boldly told him how she felt about him. It was very hard for her. She was uncomfortable telling him her feelings, but she wanted him so badly that she was willing to do anything to win him. She even offered him her body in the hope of enticing him. Hann was kind but gently refused. Nothing she said turned his head that terrible night at the dance. And as she watched him walk away from her, she heard her mother’s voice in her head saying, “Ugly, repulsive child! What did you expect?” Her entire body shook, but she had to hide her feelings from the others, so she ran to the bathroom. And that was where Gretchen found her.

  She assured Gretchen she was fine as they walked home that night. But once they separated, she walked to the park alone. It was late in the evening and certainly not safe, but she didn’t care. If something happened to her, it didn’t matter anyway. No one loved her, and she was quite sure no one ever would.

  She saw a piece of broken glass from a beer bottle lying on the ground. Hilde picked it up and began slicing her arm. Not too deeply, but just deep enough for her to feel it. Lines of crimson formed on her skin. The pain of the cutting helped take her focus off the more intense pain of not being loved. She fell asleep under a tree. When the sun rose, she got up and began to walk home. The blood was dry, but that didn’t matter either. She knew that no one at home would be waiting for her. Or if by chance her mother were home, she wouldn’t even notice the cuts.

  Hilde kicked a rock and wished she could just give up on Hann—maybe even give up on life. But she couldn’t. After all, what did I expect? I am always being let down. This was another letdown. I can’t give up this easily. I just have to try harder. Girls like me have to fight for what they want. I am, after all, a Valkyrie. I am strong. I can have anything I want.

  Tears fell down her cheeks. But instead of letting Hann go and searching for a boy who would like her just as she was, Hilde went to camp looking for him. Again she faced disappointment. Still, she wasn’t ready to accept defeat. As she was riding home from camp on the bus, she decided that as soon as she returned to Berlin, she would go to Hann’s house to see him.

  The day after Hilde returned from camp, she put on her nicest dress and carefully applied her red lipstick. Even before she went to visit Gretchen, Hilde walked to Hann’s flat. She steadied herself before knocking on the door and eyed her reflection in the front window. She wanted to be sure she looked her best. Hilde shook her head with dismay at the girl she saw in the reflection. How unattractive I am. Perhaps I should just commit suicide.

  Tears welled up behind her eyes. Disappointed at her image, she wished she could somehow be reborn as Thea. However, that was not possible. I am a Valkyrie. That girl reflected in the window isn’t real. The real woman who I am is a great beauty. Before Hilde could find the courage to knock on the door, she had to envision herself as the Nordic warrior. She saw it vividly in her mind’s eye—her long, golden hair, her white frock. Anyone who saw this woman would have to say she was stunning. Secure in the fantasy, Hilde knocked on the door. A few minutes later, a woman answered wearing a crisp red-and-white housedress. Her hair was pulled neatly into a tight bun without any stray hairs.

  “Can I help you?” she asked, opening the door.

  “I’m looking for Hann.”

  “I’m his mother. Who are you?”

  “Hilde. I am a friend. I belong to the Bund that is affiliated with his Hitler Youth group.”

  “I see. Well, he’s not here. I’m sorry.”

  “When do you expect him?”

  “He moved a few months ago. He got a job and left Berlin.”

  “Moved?” Hilde was genuinely shocked. “To where?”

  “Hilde? I don’t recall him mentioning your name.”

  “Oh, that’s because we have not been close friends. But I’ve known him for a long time.”

  “Oh? Well, he moved. His uncle had a friend who was able to help him secure a good job working on the autobahn.”

  “Where?”

  “Frankfurt.”

  “Frankfurt?” Hilde could hardly hide the disappointment in her voice. “Can I write to him at least?”

  Hann’s mother studied Hilde. Not finding anything at all threatening about this poor girl who seemed to have a crush on her son, she shrugged. “I suppose. Come in. Let me give you his address.”

  Hilde walked inside the immaculate apartment. Not a single item was out of place. The house smelled like fresh-baked bread, and it made Hilde’s stomach groan with hunger. She grimaced, hoping that Frau Meier didn’t hear her stomach begging for a piece of the bread. She would die of embarrassment if she heard it.

  “Here is his address,” Frau Meier smiled.

  “I bet you miss him.”

  “Yes, very much. But I am so glad he has such a good job.”

  “Well, thank you,” Hilde said, putting the paper into her handbag as she walked to the door.

  “You’re quite welcome,” Frau Meier said, closing the door.

  Hilde gripped her handbag with the precious information inside and walked slowly to the street. Hann was gone. He’d left Berlin. It was going to be more difficult to reach him now.

  I know I should give up, but I’ll try just one more time. I’ll write to him. He probably won’t answer, but he’s everything I want, and I went through so much to get rid of Thea so that he and I could be together. How can I let him go this easily?

  Hilde watched her shoes as they hit the pavement. She was heartbroken. Her plan to get rid of Thea was successful, and it had given her such hope. But in the end, she had not won Hann’s love. After all that effort, she was alone. You ugly, repulsive, worthless cow. Did you really believe that a man like Hann would want a pig like you? She heard her mother’s voice echoing in her head. She put both hands over her ears, and inside her head, she screamed. It was a silent scream, the sound of a tortured animal that only Hilde could hear.

  Don’t despair.

  It was the voice of the Valkyrie. You are a beautiful Nordic warrior. You will not be whole until you kill that horrible witch who claims to be your mother. In truth, she is not your mother. Your mother is a beautiful, loving, powerful woman. She is a Valkyrie like you. This woman who claims to be your mother is an imposter. Kill her, Hilde. Kill her, and the curse she had put upon you will be gone.

  Hilde began to think of ways she might kill her mother and not be caught. The plans frightened her, but at the same time, she found them comforting. She began to devise a way to rid herself of the mother she hated who had broken her self-esteem. Easy, Hilde, it will be easy. There is a bottle of rat poison under the sink; put the poison in her schnapps. She’ll be dead by morning.

  The idea appealed to Hilde. When she got home, Hilde checked to see if there were any schnapps left. There was nothing in the cupboard. Her alcoholic mother had finished it all. So, that same afternoon, Hilde took money out of her savings and bought her mother a bottle of schnapps. This will be my last gift to you, you bitch. She poured off enough of the alcohol to accommodate the contents of the bottle of poison. She left the schnapps on the counter. Her mother might return tonight or tomorrow, but it was certain that as soon as her mother came home, she would see the bottle and drink it. Then Hilde would be rid of her for good.

  It took three days for Hilde’s mother to return. Hilde did not know where her mother went when she was gone for extended periods of time. But she heard the door open, and she knew her mother was home. For a single second, fear gripped Hilde’s heart, and she almost ran out of her bedroom and grabbed the bottle before her mother drank it. She heard her mother’s high heels clicking on the floor. Her heart beat to the rhythm of the footsteps.

  I have only a few seconds left to stop this plan of murder, she thought, as she stared at herself in the mirror. But her feet were frozen.

  “Hilde, where the hell are you?” her mother called out. “Get me
some breakfast right now, you disgusting pig. Damn it, Hilde, if you were better looking, I’d have you out on the streets selling your body, like I do. It’s easy money, and you could take half the burden off me. But you’re too ugly. That’s why you have to slave away in that factory. What man would spend money for a night with a girl who looks like you? Damn it! What is taking you so long to come in here and make me something to eat? I’ve been working all damn night, and I’m hungry.”

  Hilde stared at herself in the mirror. She couldn’t move. She saw her face growing smaller, and then it disappeared, replaced by the face of the beautiful Nordic warrior, the Valkyrie. She smiled, and the Valkyrie smiled back at her. Go to her, and cook for her. Don’t let on that you know she is an imposter. Feed her and then give her the special bottle that we have prepared for her. This will be the last time she will ever call us ugly names. Once she is dead, from this day forward, you and I will be one, and you will never need to be invisible again.

  Hilde walked into the kitchen and took out the bread and the last egg in the pantry.

  “What the hell took you so long? Were you sleeping, you lazy cow?” Hilde’s mother asked.

  Hilde didn’t answer. Choke on it, she thought as she took down a plate. With her head down, she began to prepare her mother’s breakfast.

  Once her mother had eaten, Hilde handed her the bottle of schnapps. “I bought this for you. I wanted to give you something to show you how much I appreciate how hard you work to take care of us,” Hilde said.

  “Well, wasn’t that nice of you?” her mother said. “But it's open?”

  Hilde trembled. Does she suspect? “I had a swig. I’m sorry.”

  Her mother nodded. She opened the bottle, and Hilde watched with horror and fascination as the woman who raised her took a long swig of the poisoned alcohol. “Tastes funny,” her mother muttered, but she took another long drink. And then her face turned gray and claylike. She grabbed her throat, and Hilde’s mother fell to the ground.

  For several minutes, Hilde sat on the kitchen chair staring at her mother writhing in pain. She was overcome with a myriad of emotions: fear, relief, hate, and love.

  And then it was over.

  Her mother was no longer moving. To be sure her mother was dead, Hilde waited for a full hour before she headed to Gretchen’s house. She would pretend that she hadn’t been at home when her mother died. She took the bottle of schnapps with her in a brown paper bag and put the bottle of poison on the counter. Then she walked the opposite way from Gretchen’s house for several streets. When she got to an unpopulated area, she poured out the poisoned alcohol and walked for several more blocks before throwing the empty bottle into a trash can.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Gretchen was cleaning the kitchen when Hilde arrived. As soon as she saw her old friend, she put her arms around her and giggled. “How was camp? Did you have fun? I missed you.”

  “It was all right. Hann wasn’t there. I went because of him, you know.”

  “Yes, I know. I’m so sorry, Hilde. But there are a lot of other boys . . .”

  “Not for me.”

  “You just feel that way right now, but as time passes you’ll get over Hann. You’ll see,” Gretchen said, brushing the hair out of Hilde’s eyes. “Let me make us a pot of coffee, and we can sit and talk for a while. What do you say?”

  “I’d like that. Too bad we don’t have anything to go with it,” Hilde said.

  “I know. I’d love a piece of strudel.”

  “Me too.”

  Gretchen put a pot of water on the stove to boil then she sat down next to her friend at the table.

  “Are you still seeing Norbert?” Hilde asked.

  “Yes . . . actually . . .” Gretchen suddenly felt uncomfortable telling Hilde how happy she and Norbert were. She knew that Hilde was hurt over Hann, and it would just add salt to her wound to learn that she was getting married. But she couldn’t lie. Hilde would have to know sooner or later. She might as well tell her the truth now.

  “It’s been a long time,” Hilde said.

  “Yes,” Gretchen said hesitating. “Hilde, there’s something I have to tell you.”

  “Of course, you’re my best friend. You know you can tell me anything.”

  “Norbert and I are getting married.”

  “Married?”

  “Yes. And of course, you will be at the wedding.”

  “Yes, of course,” Hilde said.

  Gretchen poured two cups of the ersatz coffee and sat down again.

  “Hilde . . . nothing will change with us. I promise.”

  “I don’t believe that. You’ll be a married woman. You won’t have time for me.”

  “Yes, I will. I’ll always make time for you. And before you know it, you’ll meet someone too. And no matter what happens, you and I will always be best friends.”

  “Of course we will,” Hilde said. “But I am going to get going. I have to go to the market.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Hilde didn’t feel like going to the market or to the Jewish sector of town to force the shop owners to give her goods. She was too depressed. She walked to the park and sat on the bench to think things through. Gretchen was getting married. I’ll really be all alone now. I haven’t heard from my father in years, my mother is dead, and my best friend is abandoning me. Hann doesn’t want me. I’ll be the last single girl in town. An old maid. I am a girl too ugly to find a husband just like my mother said. If Gretchen didn’t have Norbert, she and I would be friends forever. We would always have each other. Maybe we could even share an apartment because I am going to have to move now that my mother won’t be helping with the rent. I’ll have to find something much smaller and less expensive. Norbert is really becoming a problem. He’s going to spoil my friendship with Gretchen, and she’s the only real friend I ever had. I’ll just have to think of a way to get rid of him.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Hilde knew she would have to go home and take care of the mess with her mother. It shouldn’t be that hard.

  She left the park. She wanted to be seen entering the house. When she walked in, she screamed as if she saw her mother lying dead for the first time. Her upstairs neighbor came running down and knocked on the door.

  “Hilde? Hilde?”

  “It’s my mother,” Hilde cried, opening the door. “Look!” Hilde indicated to her mother’s lifeless body on the floor.

  “Oh my! You must go to the police. Do you think she was murdered?”

  “I don’t know what happened,” Hilde said. “But I am going to the police station right now.”

  Hilde ran to the police station. As soon as she opened the door she began yelling, “Help me; please, help me.” Her face was beet red, and she was out of breath from running. She appeared terribly distraught.

  An officer raced over to her. “What is it?”

  “My mother is on laying on the floor in our apartment. I think she is dead. Help me, please.”

  “What happened?” the officer asked.

  “I went to visit my friend, and when I got home, I found my mother on the floor with an empty bottle of rat poison. I don’t know if she was trying to commit suicide or if she thought it was her bottle of schnapps and drank it by mistake. Oh, how terrible for her. My poor mutti. I am so ashamed to tell you, but I know that I must tell you. You see, my mutti was an alcoholic. Oh God, please, you must help me. I am so afraid that my mother is dead.” Hilde began weeping.

  “You poor child. We’ll send an officer over right away.”

  Hilde screamed and cried when her mother was pronounced dead. She sobbed with her head in her hands as the body was carried away. But once the door closed and Hilde was alone, she smiled. It was over. Her mother would never say those terrible things to her again.

  The investigation into Hilde’s mother’s death went as smoothly as Hilde planned. “Poor Hilde,” the neighbors said. “She is distraught over losing her mother. But the truth is, her mother wasn’t much
of a mother at all. Since the father left, that woman was always running after him and trying to win him back, never taking any time to care for her child.”

  And no one ever suspected.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Professor Karl Schmidt was preparing to leave his classroom one afternoon. He had just finished his last class of the day, and he was ready to go home and relax. He packed his books and some student papers he planned to read that night, into his small Magritte. He grabbed his hat from the coat rack and took a last look around the room to be sure nothing was left lying around. Satisfied that his classroom was in order, Schmidt turned off the lights and locked the door. His heels clattered as he walked down the long hall.

  He pushed open the heavy door and walked outside and down the steps to the walkway that led off campus. The weather was getting warm; soon it would be summer. If the present temperature was any indication of what was to be expected, then it was going to be a hot one.

  He was just about to leave the campus when an old friend and colleague, Dr. Felix Gellerman, approached him. He’d known Felix since he started teaching at the university. He met Gellerman in the teacher’s lounge his first week there. Gellerman was considerably older than Karl, but Karl liked him right away. Gellerman was funny and a bit cynical, but also kind and generous in helping Karl find his way around.

  “Karl, how are you?” Gellerman asked. He was a short, round, ball of a man with thinning black hair and a lazy eye.

  “Felix, I haven’t seen you in quite a while.”

  “Yes, I know. We must keep missing each other,” Gellerman said. His face was deeply lined with a map of wrinkles and his eyes dark with worry. His quick humor seemed to be gone, and Karl couldn’t help but wonder why.