The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  “Mazel tov! Of course, we’ll be there.”

  “Ruthy and I will be so happy to have you,” Yousef said, patting Eli’s back.

  “You enjoy being married, don’t you?” Eli asked.

  “I do very much enjoy it. I have never been happier. You? Do you enjoy it, Eli?”

  “Of course, I do,” Eli lied, feeling a little envious that Yousef was so happy in his life. And Yousef had a son. His newborn boy was the talk of everyone at the yeshiva. Meanwhile, Eli and Rebecca still could not conceive.

  “Good, very good. I can’t wait to tell Ruthy that you and Rebecca will be at our party. Anyway, I have to get going home now. Ruthy hates when I am late, especially on the Sabbath.”

  “I understand. Women spend all day cooking on the Sabbath; the least we can do is be on time for dinner,” Eli said. Yousef smiled and stood up.

  “So good Sabbath, and I will see you at the bris?”

  “Good Sabbath. I am looking forward to it,” Eli said.

  Yousef walked away. Eli was angry with himself for feeling envious. It was wrong to feel that way, but every month like clockwork, Rebecca got her period. She waited until the bleeding stopped and then went to the mikvah. They were careful to follow every rule. He did not touch her at all, not even her hand when she was unclean with her menses. They never resumed sexual contact until she returned clean from the mikvah. But still, they had not been blessed with a child. Their relationship had not grown either. It was still strained, and they never seemed able to communicate comfortably with each other. Eli wondered if a baby would fix that. He couldn’t say. But what he did know was that Rebecca never told him any of her feelings, and he never asked her.

  So, their time together passed. She was a good, kind, and obedient wife. He was a gentle and considerate husband. Although they never discussed it, both of them knew something was missing.

  It was a sweltering Friday afternoon. Because it was the Sabbath, Eli went home early. He put his book back on the shelf and walked outside the building. The grass, which had been so green in early spring, had now turned yellow and brown from the heat of the sun. Even though it was the middle of summer, he wore his long, black coat, a white-cotton shirt, black pants, and a tall, black hat. A thin layer of sweat ran down his back.

  “I should be hungry, but I’m not,” he whispered aloud to himself. I just realized that I was so engrossed in teaching my class that I forgot to eat this afternoon. Well, religious studies always had that effect on me. I don’t always agree with everything I read, but I am always stimulated. In that way, I am like my father. I do love to learn. I am beginning to understand my papa when he used to say that he was glad he was born a Jew. I feel that way too. In spite of all the hatred of Jews, I wouldn’t want to be anything else. Yet, even as much as I have grown, I am still not sure I am qualified to lead our people the way my father did.

  Eli walked through the gates leaving the campus behind. The air was muggy with humidity.

  He didn’t know why, but as he walked home he felt as if something in his life was missing. It was not only his fear that he lacked the ability to lead. It was something else as well. He was thinking about Gretchen, remembering how she’d made him feel. No one he’d ever met had affected him the way she did. And all the powerful emotions she’d brought out in him still lingered in his mind. Sometimes he had dreams of her and awoke filled with guilt.

  On his way home he stopped by the old abandoned warehouse. He could not justify his actions, and yet, he did this occasionally. It gave him a bittersweet comfort to lose himself for a few moments in the memory of Gretchen. He entered the old building. The warehouse was dark and damp as always. Eli walked to the window and stared out, Then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, losing himself in the moment.

  That was why he didn’t see her.

  “Eli?” she said. “Is that really you, or am I imagining it?”

  He heard a female voice whisper his name. The voice was familiar. It made him tremble with fear and shiver with delight at the same time. Could it be? Was it possible?

  “Gretchen?” he said, turning to look at her. “Is it really you? I didn’t expect to find you here.”

  “I didn’t expect to find you either. I came here because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I wanted to be here where I saw you for the last time,” she said.

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. He walked toward her. She was even more beautiful than he remembered.

  “How have you been?” she asked

  “Fine,” he stammered. “I’m doing fine.”

  “You look good.”

  “Oh . . .” He looked down at the ground embarrassed by the compliment. But his heart was beating with joy. I can’t believe it. Gretchen is standing right beside me. It’s beyond a miracle. After all these years she still stirs my heart. But then again, she never stopped stirring my heart. Even when I didn’t see her, she was never far from my thoughts.

  “I can’t believe that you came here too.” She shook her head in disbelief. Then she raised her head and gazed into his eyes. “I am so glad to see you. I need to talk to you. Something happened, and I need someone I can trust.”

  “What happened?” he said with concern.

  “My father was arrested. Then he went away to the army. I was engaged. My fiancée broke it off. A lot happened . . .”

  “You were engaged?” Eli asked then he continued. “But, now you’re not?”

  “No, I am not. He broke up with me because of my father’s arrest,” she said, then she continued, “You’re married?”

  He nodded.

  “Oh.”

  “And I have to go home now. I’m late. I’m sorry.”

  “Yes, of course,” she said.

  He could hear the hurt in her voice. He knew he should walk away and go home, but instead, he turned to her and said, “There is no harm in talking. Perhaps we can meet again next week?”

  “Where?” she asked

  “Here, the warehouse.”

  “So, will you show up?” she asked.

  “Yes. I will meet you,” Eli said, unable to refuse, even though he knew he should.

  “Monday afternoon? Four o’clock?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ll be here?”

  “I will.”

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE

  How can my feet feel as if they are weightless, and at the same time my mind and heart know that what I am planning to do is wrong, Eli thought as he headed toward the old, abandoned building. Every nerve ending in his body told him that he should turn, and go home to his righteous wife. And yet, his feet were attached to his heart, and they were practically running to meet Gretchen.

  The warehouse was dark and smelled like the stagnating water that had seeped in through the holes in the roof. The walls were covered in mold, and the only light was the natural illumination that came through the cracked windows. There were no chairs, only a broken desk. Eli sat down on the edge of the desk for a moment but then immediately stood back up. His heart was pounding in his chest. Gretchen wasn’t there. Perhaps she’s not coming. I should leave here now, and go home and pray for forgiveness. He shivered. “Papa,” he said aloud. “Help me. I am weak and unable to turn away from sin. You are not here, and I have no one else I can talk to about these feelings,” he said, his voice echoing against the walls.

  There was no answer, not from above or from any voice in his mind. Eli was alone. The decision to stay or to go was his and his alone. He walked toward the door preparing to leave as Gretchen walked in. Her eyes were like tiny candle flames lighting up the room.

  “Eli, I’m sorry I’m late. I had work to finish before I could leave.”

  “I should get going home.”

  “Stay just a few minutes. I’ve been so looking forward to seeing you.”

  He looked down at the ground as a rat scampered across the toe of his black shoe. This girl was so bold and so outspoken. And although he couldn’t understan
d why, he adored her. I am a fool. I must be insane. I know this is wrong. But even so, I can’t move. My feet should head home to Rebecca, but my heart holds them here, planted firmly on the ground of this old, decrepit building. “My wife is a good woman,” he blurted out.

  “I am sure she is,” Gretchen said. “And you are happily married?”

  “Yes, of course, I am.”

  “Can I ask you, then. Why are you here?”

  “Because you said you wanted to talk to me,” he stammered.

  “And you just couldn’t say no? The only reason you came here today was because I wanted to speak to you?”

  He turned away from her. “I have no answers. I don’t know why I came. I am in anguish over my feelings. I wish I understood myself better. I shouldn’t be here.”

  “But you are here, Eli. Maybe we should be friends. Maybe we can talk things out? Maybe we can help each other?”

  “Talk about what? How can we possibly help each other?”

  “We can discuss what is missing in our lives. I need a friend too, someone I can trust.”

  “My wife should be my best friend. She is perfect. She’s beautiful, kind, frum, and very modest. Everything a man like me is looking for in a wife. You are a dangerous temptation.” He put his hands on his temples and squeezed as if he could squeeze some sense into his confused mind.

  “Frum? What does that mean?”

  “Religious. Pure.”

  “I am not any of those things. But I can tell you what I am. I am a good friend.”

  “You are smart, and you are beautiful,” he blurted out again. What’s wrong with me? Why am I saying these things?

  She blushed. “I’m also flattered. That was a nice thing to say.”

  He shrugged and then shook his head as if he were telling himself not to continue. “I should get going home.”

  “Eli, please don’t go. I need to talk. I need someone to listen.”

  He looked at her, and the light from the window caught her hair illuminating her entire face, making her look ethereal and angelic.

  “Remember, I told you my father was arrested, and my fiancée broke up with me.”

  “I remember.”

  “Can I talk to you about what happened?”

  “Yes, yes, of course. It was selfish of me to forget the reason we came here in the first place. You came to me because you wanted to talk, and instead of helping you, I offered you a jumble of my own confusing emotions. I am sorry. Truly. Now, sit down, please.” He indicated the broken desk. Eli tried to remain calm, but he was trembling.

  “Can you sit beside me?”

  “No, no it’s forbidden. I’ll stand. It’s all right. I don’t mind.”

  She smiled wryly. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, very sure. Now, please go on, and talk to me. Tell me what is weighing so heavily on your heart, Gretchen.”

  CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

  Later that night, Eli Kaetzel sat across from his wife at the dinner table. He felt guilty for having broken the rule of being alone with a woman. Rebecca was lovely, radiant, but his heart yearned for Gretchen. Although he lusted for her that afternoon as she told him all of her problems, Eli fought the desire to sin and did not even touch her hand. Instead, he listened as she bared her soul. When she wept, he longed to take her in his arms and comfort her, but he resisted. He offered words of advice and encouragement. They spent over an hour together, but when it was time to leave, he didn’t want to go.

  When she suggested they meet again, he was both thrilled and terrified. But no matter, he agreed to see her again. And now, as he sat across from Rebecca, his thoughts drifted to his next meeting with Gretchen. They agreed to meet at the warehouse the following Monday. He wished he could tell Yousef about this dilemma, but he knew he dared not. Yousef would certainly tell him to stop seeing Gretchen immediately. And truth be told, he didn’t want to stop.

  Rebecca was lovely with the white scarf covering her head and her eyes the color of blue topaz. She sat smiling at her husband, waiting to fulfill his every need, but they hardly spoke. She kept her head bowed, wishing they shared more. Sometimes she felt as if she would die from loneliness. Although they had intercourse regularly because they wanted desperately to have a child, she felt as if she were starved for affection, starved for the loving touch of another human being.

  Eli never reached for her hand or caressed her shoulder. The longing for human contact drove her into a depression. But even so, she remained a good girl, an obedient girl, and never asked him for anything. She spent her time with the sisterhood at the shul, helping the poor and needy.

  Acts of kindness helped her pass her days. She cooked and wrapped up an entire meal for a family where the wife had fallen ill. She cared for children while their widowed mothers were at work. Rebecca kneaded and then carefully braided her challah for Eli’s Sabbath dinner. Each week, she took a loaf to the home of a bedridden elderly woman. Sometimes she stayed and cleaned the woman’s small apartment. Being the wife of the rebbe, she believed she had social obligations, but she would have gladly extended her kindness even if Eli weren’t destined to be a rebbe. Since she was a child, Rebecca loved to care for others, and she enjoyed giving. She needed no thanks; doing mitzvahs was thanks enough.

  However, she would have loved to come home in the evening and discuss her day with Eli. She longed to tell him what she did when they were apart. She would have relished hearing about his days at the yeshiva. But Eli never asked, “What did you do today?” He just seemed too caught up with his studies to care. He never told her how he spent his time away from her.

  Before she wed, Rebecca believed that once she was married, she would never feel alone again. However, since her wedding day, she felt more alone than she ever had. She missed her friend Esther every day. At least when Esther was alive, she had her visits to look forward to. Esther was always there to talk to and laugh with. She knew that no matter what life handed her, she could always confide in Esther. Now with her best friend gone she had no one.

  Rebecca never discussed her marriage with her parents. She didn’t want to worry them. They were turning gray, growing older. Every time she went to see them, her papa would smile and touch her cheek and say, “My sweet daughter! You’ve come to see us!”

  “Yes, Papa. I brought you and Mama challah.”

  “Oy, how beautiful you are. What nachas, what joy you bring us. I feel such peace in this old heart because I know that you made such a good match in Eli. Your mama and I rest easy because we know that you have someone good and kind to take care of you after your mother and I are gone. Eli makes you happy, mine kind?”

  “Yes, Papa,” she lied each time. “Very happy.”

  “Pretty soon you’ll be coming to tell us that you will be giving us a grandchild? Oy, such nachas that will be.”

  “Eli and I hope so, Papa.”

  She knew her father, who was almost fifteen years older than her mother, was getting old simply because he repeated the same words every time she went to see him. Each time he said those words, she had to turn away, so he wouldn’t see the tears fall on her cheeks. One day, my parents will be gone. I won’t be able to come here and see them forever. Instead of telling them the truth about her and Eli, she cherished the moments they shared and hid her pain.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN

  On the day Gretchen was to meet with Eli, she ran all the way home from work. She quickly changed into a clean dress and carefully combed her hair. It was rare that she set her stick-straight hair in pin curls, but she did the previous night, all because she was going to meet Eli. I must be crazy. He’s a married man. He belongs to someone else. I have never been one to compete with other women. I wonder if I find this attraction to him so damn exciting because it’s illegal? Maybe I am just fighting back? Perhaps I just refuse to allow the Nazi Party to dictate how I live and who I associate with? That would be pure madness, especially after what happened to my father. But I have to admit there is something about
Eli that I find terribly appealing. I just can’t figure out what exactly it is. Perhaps it’s because he is so shy and a little afraid of me? I do find that rather endearing. I feel wild and exciting, in control, like a tigress, when I am with him. And he finds me enthralling. That look of fascination I see in his eyes drives me wild. It makes me feel so special. He’s even gone so far as to say that I am different from any woman he has ever known.

  A knock on her front door interrupted Gretchen’s thoughts. Her father had been gone for several months now, and she had grown used to living alone.

  “Who is it?” she called out not wanting to answer the door but knowing she must. No one answered, and for a moment she felt a shot of fear run up her spine. Could it be the Gestapo? Did someone see her with Eli last week and report her? She shivered as she asked again, “Who is it?”

  “It’s me,” Hilde said.

  “Hilde!”

  “Yes, it’s me. Open up!”

  Gretchen opened the door.

  “You look nice,” Hilde said.

  “Thank you.”

  “What are you all dressed up for?”

  “Oh, nothing.”

  “Come on, tell me. Do you have a date?” Hilde asked smiling.

  Think fast. Gretchen thought. Then she said, “Well, I was kind of keeping it a secret, but it’s not a date or anything like that.”

  “What are you rambling on about? Just tell me already. I hate suspense.”

  “I’m just going to buy some flour.”

  “Dressed like that? And with your hair curled too?”

  “I have been sort of flirting with the shopkeeper’s son. He joined the army, you know.”

  “Yes, I saw him last week in town wearing his uniform. He looked quite handsome.”

  “I thought so too. And, well . . .” Gretchen smiled. “I did find him terribly attractive, and he is going away soon. So I figured maybe he and I might have a little fun before he left. Since he’s leaving soon, there would be no messy ties. If you know what I mean.”