The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO

  Gretchen waited two hours before she finally gave up on Eli and accepted the fact that he was not coming to meet her. Her heart was broken, but she was angry too. There was no doubt in her mind why he had not come. He was in love with her. She was sure of it. And at the same time, she knew he was consumed with guilt. Gretchen knew she was in love with Eli, but she also accepted the fact he was married. She decided that as long as he was willing to admit he was in love with her, she could live with the situation.

  Before she met Eli, she would never have thought she would be willing to have an affair with a married man. But now, everything had changed. What was it about this strange and quiet man with his soft eyes, long, curly sideburns, and tall, black hat that touched her like no other man? His religion was foreign; his way of dressing was odd. He was forbidden to her by law. And yet, Gretchen had never met any other man who had reminded her so much of her father. Of course, he hadn’t shown up. How could she have believed he would? Once he realized he had feelings for her, he could not be in her presence without sinning in his mind. Before he said he cared, he could believe they were just friends talking over issues. However, she knew him well enough to know that he had probably not slept or eaten much since they kissed. He was probably praying for forgiveness like mad.

  “Damn him for being married. Damn him for making me love him,” she said aloud. But even though she voiced those angry curses, her tender heart blessed him with every beat.

  November 1938

  The temperature dropped suddenly, bringing the chill of winter to the Jewish sector of Berlin. It would get colder as the months passed, but it was clear that autumn was giving way to the season Eli most dreaded. The winter months always gave him a dark, lonely feeling. It was strong right now as he walked home from the yeshiva after a day of teaching. Thoughts of his parents passed through his mind as the cold wind seeped through his coat. Yousef’s wife was pregnant for the second time. He was happy for them, but he and Rebecca remained childless, and he began to feel that God had turned his face away from their marriage. He wondered if the forbidden kiss he shared that October afternoon with Gretchen had anything to do with his falling out of Hashem’s favor. Perhaps it didn’t help, but he and Rebecca had not been able to conceive long before the kiss.

  Eli tried not to think of the kiss, tried not to remember how his heart had raced, how he had longed to hold Gretchen in his arms forever. He wanted to protect her from danger, from hurt, and from shame, and the only way he believed he could do so was by leaving her alone. Perhaps she’d met someone else, a man from her own world. Perhaps she was thinking about marriage. The idea of Gretchen getting married should make him happy, because he wanted her to be happy. But it didn’t. It hurt him more deeply than any cut he ever had.

  After dinner, he went into his study leaving Rebecca alone in the kitchen. Over the years, she’d grown used to spending time alone. She carefully washed the dishes and the pots and pans. Then she sat down on the sofa and began to knit. The house was quiet, and the solitude that had become her best friend came over her. “Knit one, purl two,” she whispered to herself, trying to remember the pattern for the blanket she was working on. “Knit two, purl one.”

  Rebecca heard a commotion coming from outside. People were screaming; some were cursing. “Dirty Jew. Kill the Jew!” a man’s angry, loud voice said. “Put the knife in the Jew.” A group of what sounded like drunken boys started singing: “Put the knife in the Jew! They slaughter Christian children. They slit their throats and make soup out of their blood.” A man no older than twenty yelled out, “No, they use it for their matzo.”

  Rebecca moved the drape just an inch and peeked out the window. Just as she did, a group of angry young men smashed Otto Schmidt Fleischwaren’s window. She’d gone to Schmidt’s butcher shop just a day ago to buy bones for her soup. Otto Schmidt was a kind and generous man. Rebecca had only enough money for two bones, but he gave her three, and all of them were rich with marrow. Her hand went to her heart as she watched the same gang of thugs write Jude in black paint all over Otto’s door. A heavyset man came running toward the thugs. He had thick arms and muscular calves. “Get out of here! Go away!” he was hollering. Rebecca recognized him as the cobbler who owned a store just a few feet away. He appeared to be strong and capable of putting up a good fight. But he was no match for a gang of ten strong, young men. They fell on him and began beating him with clubs. Rebecca gasped.

  “Eli!” she yelled. But she needn’t have called for him; he was already on his way into the living room.

  “What’s going on outside?”

  “I don’t know. It looks like a pogrom.”

  “A pogrom?”

  “Look for yourself, but be careful. Don’t let those crazy boys see you.”

  Eli turned and looked at his wife, then he peeked through the drapes. Mayhem filled the streets. The cobbler lay in a pool of blood on the sidewalk. A woman lay on the street with a lake of blood surrounding her head like a bright red halo. “Get in the bedroom. Get under the bed, and stay there.”

  “Don’t go outside, Eli. Please, don’t go out.”

  “I should go,” he said, but there was a note of uncertainty in his voice. I have been passive all my life. I’ve accepted whatever was handed to me as Hashem’s will. But now, it seems that someone must lead my people. I am the son of the rebbe. Shouldn’t I be the one to go out and lead them? But if I do go out there and demand that they fight back will I be of any help to anyone, or will I just end up dead? And even worse, will I get other people killed too. If I tell them to them to stand up and fight all the Jew haters will I just be putting nails in their coffins? Look at this mob; they have gone mad. They’re hungry for blood.

  “No, Eli! Have you gone insane? Come with me, please, come and hide with me. You are a Hasidic man. Your clothing alone will make you a target. There’s an angry mob out there. They won’t listen to reason. They’ll kill you because you look like everything they hate. They’ll use you to make an example. Please, I beg you; I’ve never begged you for anything before.”

  He looked into her eyes. Where am I going? What am I going to do if I go outside?

  “Please,” she begged him again as the shul down the street burst into flames. Rebecca was weeping. She grabbed Eli’s shirtsleeve, and he allowed her to lead him to the bedroom.

  She got under the bed and pulled him under beside her. Neither of them said a word, but both feared that the wild band of hoodlums would burst into their apartment and attack them with clubs or knives. The Nazi thugs might even burn the building down around them. Yet there was nothing they could do but lie there under the bed and pray. Eli was sick with helplessness. His wife needed him, and there was nothing he could do to protect her.

  The violence continued through the night and into the next day.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE

  November 11, 1938

  An unnerving silence hung over the little neighborhood. The streets were in shambles. Dried blood left a trail on the sidewalk, spilling into the gutters, and broken glass littered the streets. The shul where the Kaetzels and their friends had worshiped for generations and where Eli taught bar mitzvah classes was hollowed out by fire. The precious Torah lay in ashes, her beautiful scrolls half burnt on the ground.

  For the Jews of Berlin, the world as they knew it had ended. But even though time had stopped for those who lived in that little village, somehow the sun still rose that morning. When they could wait no longer, Rebecca and Eli came out of their hiding place. Rebecca could not control her trembling. She thought of her family. Although she longed to go to her parents home and assure herself they were all right, she couldn’t even bring herself to look out the window.

  Eli peeked through the shades and saw a group of young men, boy’s he’d grown up with and his friends from the shul. They were standing in the street looking: their faces still in shock.

  “I am going out to talk to them,” Eli indicated toward t
he men outside. Rebecca carefully peered out the window.

  “Do you think it’s safe?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. They’re all outside. I have to go. My father was their rebbe. They will be looking to me for guidance.”

  For the first time since they had been married, Rebecca addressed her husband with a tone of sarcasm. “And what kind of guidance do you plan to give them? Do you know what to do? Do you have the answers?”

  He shook his head. “Rebecca, I have never known how to lead them. I have never known what to say. And I have no answers. But I know that they need me, so I will go outside and talk to them. I have to try to do my best,” he said, broken.

  Yousef was outside with the others. As soon as he saw Eli, he ran up to him. “They arrested plenty of Jews last night. Plenty. And for no reason. And from what I understand, it’s not over.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Am I sure of what, Eli?”

  “That it’s not over.”

  “I’m not sure of anything,” Yousef said.

  “How could they arrest people without reason?”

  “There is only one reason. The reason is that they are Jewish. We are Jewish, and they hate us. Soon they will come for all of us. Our shul, our beloved synagogue, is nothing but ashes. There’s blood, Jewish blood, all over the streets. I’m taking my wife and getting out of Berlin. I suggest you do the same.”

  “Where will you go?”

  “France. My wife has a sister who got married to a French Jew. We’ll go and stay with them. Do you want me to ask her if you and Rebecca can come with us?”

  “No, no of course not. We couldn’t impose like that. No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I am sure. Yousef, it’s very kind of you to offer, but you have one child and another on the way. You are moving in with another family. I am sure it will be very crowded. Do they have children too?”

  “Yes, three. Two boys and a girl.”

  “That’s a lot of people. Don’t worry about us, my dear friend. I promise you that Rebecca and I will be all right.”

  CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR

  Eli had no idea what he was going to do. The violence continued throughout the following day and night. It was frightening. But what was even more terrifying was that every day more and more Jews were being arrested without cause. Eli had heard that people were taking their families and going into hiding. He thought about hiding in the abandoned warehouse where he and Gretchen had met. But how would he and Rebecca survive if they tried to hide out there? They would have no food. Eli had no idea how to hunt or fish. He did not even have the slightest inkling of how to fire a gun, and that was if he could even get his hands on one. Not to mention that in the winter, the large building with its broken windows would be freezing. Besides, an abandoned warehouse would be the first place the Nazis would look for Jews. The warehouse was not an option.

  Before the fire, the yeshiva, or school, had been located in the back of the shul. Now that the building burned down, the yeshiva teachers, including Eli, decided to continue their classes in the homes of several members of the congregation.

  Eli didn’t teach as often as he had before the night of the broken glass. He was too consumed with worry about the future of his entire community to prepare lessons. But long ago, Eli promised that when Dovid Finkelstein was ready, he would personally administer his bar mitzvah lessons. Dovid was the grandson of one of Eli’s father’s best friends, and Eli had made this vow to Dovid’s grandfather when he had come to pay his respects at Eli’s father’s shiva. Even though his heart was not in it, Eli went to Dovid’s home twice a week to give him his bar mitzvah lessons. It was a cold night in December, and Eli was on his way home from the Finkelstein’s apartment. A strict curfew had been put in place for all Jews, and Eli had stayed out much later than he should have. He lost track of time because Dovid was having difficulty memorizing his Torah portion. Eli wanted to help; helping Dovid Finkelstein was something Eli knew his father would have approved of. And although poor Dovid was not very bright, Eli felt good about his work with the young boy.

  It was dark and well past curfew. Eli walked as quickly as he could toward home. The streets were so quiet that the silence was a little unsettling. He felt a chill run through him as he walked past a lamppost spilling yellow light over the crosswalk and illuminating a large poster of Adolf Hitler. As he turned the corner, a black car raced by. The roar of the engine shattered the unearthly quiet. Quickly, Eli hid between two buildings. His heart beat so hard in his chest that he felt dizzy and nauseated. Once the automobile was out of sight, he came out and began to walk even more quickly toward home. When he was almost a block away from the safety of his apartment, Eli felt a firm and authoritative tug on the sleeve of his coat. Pure fear shot through him like a cannonball. Dear God, not the Gestapo, he prayed. I’m going to be taken away. Rebecca won’t even know what happened to me.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE

  Rebecca sat at her kitchen table with a cup of hot tea and a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The chilly weather had never agreed with her. Of all the seasons, winter was her least favorite. If she had a child, she might look forward to the celebration of Hanukkah. She would have enjoyed lighting eight small candles and playing dreidel with her little one. That might have made the winter more fulfilling. But as it stood, winter was a miserable time for her.

  Many days she was unable to fulfill her responsibilities of helping the poor or sick because the weather was too bad for her to leave the house. Rebecca knew that most of the people she helped were completely dependent upon her, so her work was very important. Still, if the snow was too deep, she was unable to walk outside, so she could not carry out her duties. This left her feeling guilty and terribly isolated. Eli was either in his study or out teaching at the home of one of his congregants.

  As her parents were aging it became more difficult for them to walk to her apartment in the snow. She tried to visit them as often as she could. Visiting them should have brought her joy, but it didn’t. Returning to her childhood home was painful. It brought back memories of all her childhood dreams: dreams that had not come true.

  Glancing up at the clock on the wall, Rebecca realized Eli was very late. She was keeping his dinner warm; a pot of stew simmered on the stove. It’s two hours past curfew; this is the latest he has ever been. He has never been later than a half hour past curfew and that was when a friend of his mother’s passed away, and he was helping the family. But as far as I know, he is only teaching a twelve-year-old boy tonight. I can’t imagine what would keep him out so late? I pray that he is safe. She wrung her hands on the dishtowel.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX

  The hand tugged the sleeve of Eli’s coat and pulled him into an alleyway between two tall apartment buildings.

  “Eli.”

  “Gretchen?”

  “Yes, it’s me,” she whispered.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I followed you from your house to that apartment building, and then I waited until you came out. I saw you in the window with that young boy.”

  “I was giving him his bar mitzvah lessons.”

  “You shouldn’t be out this late.”

  “I know. It’s after curfew. But I can’t believe that you waited for hours in the darkness and the cold for me.”

  “Of course for you, silly. Why else?”

  “I don’t know. I’m confused. I don’t understand why you would do that.”

  “There’s no time for confusion or philosophical discussions. You’re in trouble. Your wife is in trouble too. All the Jews in Berlin are in trouble, and I’ve come to help you.”

  “Help me? How?”

  “You and your wife are going to stay with me. I live in a garden apartment with a cellar. No one in my building even knows the cellar is there. I wouldn’t know either had I not found it when I was child. Anyway, I will hide you both in the cellar until all this Jew-hunting nonsense is over.” />
  “I couldn’t let you do that. I wouldn’t let you put yourself in danger that way.”

  “I am not asking if you would let me. I am telling you what I plan to do. Now let’s go to your flat and pick up your wife. Then we must get back to my apartment before sunrise. You need to put on as many layers of clothing as you can, and do it as quickly as you can.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “There’s no time for this nonsense. You’re in danger. They’re arresting Jews every day. You don’t know when you will be next. I insist that you come with me. Now, let’s go.”

  “Why are you doing this?” he asked.

  “Because I think about you all the time, and I can’t let you be hurt. I was so angry with you for standing me up that day at the warehouse. I hated you—you fool. But I couldn’t go on hating you for very long. As soon as I heard what was going on with the Jews, I knew I had to find a way to help you. But this is bigger than you and I. It is more than just that. I am going to help as many Jews as I can because I feel that what is happening to the Jews here in Germany is wrong. Before my father left for the army, he said something that stuck in my mind. He said that even the smallest crack in the foundation of our civilized nation will grow until it eventually breaks us and turns us all into savages. What I mean is, once we forget our responsibility to treat our fellow man the way we would want to be treated, we become a nation of brutes. And before you know it, the lines between right and wrong are blurred forever.”

  “Do you believe it will get that bad?”

  “I do. And that’s why I have decided to fight this outrage against humanity. I am scared, Eli, but I must do this. Even if I fail; even if I am killed in the process.”