Into The Unknown

by Lorna Peel

  “Swearing?” She stopped.

  “Yes. Thinking up new names for myself, wishing you were here.”

  “I am now. Kiss me?”

  He smiled, turning to her, almost having to hop and she closed her eyes as he kissed her like he always used to do. God, how she’d missed this.

  “Oh, Kate,” he murmured as his kisses became more urgent and he began leaning against her. “Oh, Kate. Christ, I’ve missed you so much.”

  Kate savoured his kisses, becoming more passionate by the second. They were in serious danger of getting carried away. He pulled at her tie and began unbuttoning her tunic and shirt. “Charlie?”

  “Remember that time in the barn?” he asked from her cleavage. “In all that straw?”

  She laughed. “How could I forget?”

  “I want you like that time again. One of the first things I asked the doctor when I got the eyeball inserted was whether it would fall out easily. A bit of an embarrassing chat, but I had to know. We’re so good together, Kate, we know how to have a good time. The doctor said there’d be no problem. Christ, Kate, I need you, I’ve needed you for so long.”

  “I know… ow. You don’t have to bite. Where are your condoms?”

  He stopped, but only for a second or two, his hands sliding under her skirt, reaching for her knickers. “I don’t know, I haven’t exactly needed them, have I? Don’t worry, Kate – I’ll use the withdrawal method. I read all about it in one of my father’s books.”

  The what method? Withdrawal? How? He couldn’t just stop, could he?

  “Be careful, then.” She leaned back into the hedge and it sagged under their weight. Her arms automatically went out to stop them from falling. “Quickly, please?”

  She watched him undoing his trousers and pulling them and his underpants down. His erection was massive – or was it that she hadn’t seen it for so long? She moaned in anticipation as he eased her skirt up and pulled her knickers down. She stepped out of them and he grinned proudly at her.

  “This’ll have been worth waiting for. Aahh…” He pushed her legs apart and entered her, thrusting strongly for a weak and unfit man.

  Kate was all but sitting in the hedge with her arms splayed out on either side. He felt enormous inside her, and so welcome.

  “Come on,” she heard him urging himself on. “Come on, come on, come on.”

  “Slowly, Charlie, it’s not a race.” She giggled. He was thrusting so fast now that she wondered how much longer he could keep going. “Slower,” she cried, then whimpered when he suddenly withdrew from her. No! Was that it? He couldn’t stop now. “Why did you stop?” she asked.

  “How badly do you want me inside you again?” he asked, instead of answering and ran a finger lightly up the inside of her thigh, twanging one of her suspenders. “I want to hear you say it, Kate.”

  Every inch of her body sizzled, and she tried to gather enough coherent thought to speak. “I want you,” she gasped. “Inside me again.”

  “When?” he added, taking her hand and running her fingers along the length of his erection.

  “Now,” she whispered.

  “What do I feel like?”

  She swallowed noisily. “Soft. But hard, too.”

  He smiled and stepped towards her, his erection pressing hard against her stomach. “I want to be inside you now, too. Open your legs,” he instructed, and she did as she was told. He pushed into her slowly this time, inch by inch. “I’m going to lift your legs; I want to be in deeper.” He took her thighs, lifting her off the ground and pinning her back to the hedge.

  She instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck to stop herself from falling. The hedge didn’t give behind her back, and his every thrust went inside her hard and deep. He moved his hips from one side to the other, grinding against responsive parts she didn’t know she had.

  Sliding his hands up to her hips, he increased the pace. She could feel him swelling inside her and each thrust was touching her secret spot, making her writhe. She whimpered and he smiled, repeating the same motion again and again.

  “Come with me, Kate.” Charlie held her firmly. “We’ll come together.”

  She felt him coming close with each thrust. She was building up to climax as well, and she let out a loud moan.

  “Kate.” He growled loudly as his body stiffened, and he spilled into her – a hot, almost burning sensation – deep within her.

  Feeling his release inside her pushed her over the edge. She moaned as her body convulsed, jerking frantically against him. Her body was still shuddering when he leaned all his weight on her and they slid down the hedge, coming to a bumpy halt on the gravel path.

  Kate raised a shaking hand to her forehead. It had been far too good – and now it was far too late.

  Charlie withdrew from her, crawled crab-like across the path because of his bad leg, and leaned back against the opposite hedge, fighting to catch his breath.

  “Oh, God, Kate, that was good,” he gasped. “I couldn’t wait to come deep inside you.”

  She stared at him, realising he’d lied to her. He’d had no intention of withdrawing. Did the so-called Withdrawal Method even exist?

  “Oh, God, Charlie, what have you done?” she whispered. “What have you done, Charlie? What have you done?” she demanded and he focused his attention on her.

  “Kate, I love you so much.”

  “And you know how much I love you. And you lied to me. And you used me. You took complete advantage. Oh, God, Charlie, why?” she whimpered and reached for her knickers. Good God, her stockings were ripped to shreds. She pulled her knickers on, then drew her knees up under her chin and hugged them. “I should never have let you near me.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Do you even realise what you’ve done? Do you?” She shook her head incredulously. “You don’t, do you? You’ve no idea. To you, I’m just the latest in a long line of women you’ve just used for sex. How could I have been so gullible? Sex is the only reason you allowed me to come here today, isn’t it?”

  “No, that’s not true,” he replied, but wouldn’t meet her eyes.

  “I don’t believe you,” she said, her voice cracking. “How can I believe you now?”

  “Kate, I love you,” he told her and grimaced, clearly grasping how feeble it sounded.

  “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have put me through hell over the past two years. You would have let me visit you over the past few months. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to help you, but you wouldn’t let me. Have you any idea how much that hurt? What you look like now doesn’t matter to me.”

  “No?” He climbed to his feet, pulled his trousers up and held his hands out. “Look at me, Kate. Look at what I am now. I’m a fat, one-eyed ex-pilot with a limp – how can I not disgust you?”

  “You didn’t have to lie to me.”

  “Well, how else was I going to get inside you?” he demanded.

  She winced at his crudeness. “Not by lying,” she said, getting unsteadily to her feet. “I’ve only ever wanted you. I let you take my virginity. I trusted you with my body because I thought you loved me. How can I ever trust you again? No wonder you’ve never wanted to marry me.”

  “Of course I’ve wanted to bloody marry you. But when the war is over.”

  “You keep saying that – that you don’t want to leave me a widow – but you could have died in that crash and I’d rather have been left your widow than… nothing.”

  He shook his head. “You wouldn’t have been nothing.”

  “Yes, I would,” she cried, not caring if anyone could hear. “In the eyes of the law, I’m nothing to you. I’ve wanted to be your wife for years, Charlie, but now I’m glad I’m nothing because it’s easier for a nothing to walk away.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Tears began rolling down his left cheek and he reached out to touch her face.

  “Don’t.” She backed away from him. “It’s far too late for sorry. I never want you anywhe
re near me again.”

  “You don’t have to worry, Kate. I’ll never come near you again, I promise.”

  “Good,” she whispered and left the maze, buttoning up her shirt and tunic as she ran.

  There was an inn on the village’s main street and she went inside and through the lounge bar to the ladies toilets. In one of the cubicles, she tried to take her ripped stockings off, but her hands were shaking so much she couldn’t undo her shoelaces. Thumping the wall in frustration, she sank onto the toilet seat, bursting into tears.

  Leaning her head against the cubicle wall, she sobbed for being so trusting, for Charlie and what he’d become, and for all the things they would now never share together.

  Bending down, she managed to pull her shoes off, then undo her suspenders, and roll the ruined stockings down her legs and off her feet. Slipping her bare feet back into her shoes, she left the cubicle and put the stockings in the small bin in the corner near the wash hand basins.

  Leaning over one of the basins, she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her face was grey and her eyes were red and puffy from crying. For a few moments she considered not going back to the Sector Station, but if she didn’t go back, where could she go? Rose Cottage? She couldn’t go there, but no matter where she went, she would be declared AWOL, and she’d be caught and punished and she’d have to explain why she’d done it. No, she’d have to go back and just lie.

  With hands which still shook, she turned a tap on and splashed cold water onto her face, before pulling herself together as much as she could and walking to the bus stop.

  An hour later she was in her hut ransacking her chest of drawers for clean underwear and stockings when Jean put her head around the door.

  “Kate?” Jean stared at her bare legs before coming in and closing the door. “What happened? Where are your stockings?”

  “I caught them on briars coming from the bus and had to bin them. I’m going to have a quick bath before I go back on duty.”

  “What about Charlie, then?” Jean winked knowingly.

  Kate’s face contorted and she dug her nails into the palms of her hands so she wouldn’t cry again. “We’ve decided not to see each other again,” she managed to tell her calmly.

  “But why?” Jean sat Kate down on her bed.

  “We’ve been apart for two years and we’ve changed. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just run its course and it’s over.”

  Grabbing the underwear and stockings, Kate ran from the hut. Ten minutes later, she was shivering in a few inches of tepid water, crying as quietly as she could.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Charlie limped out of the maze and back across the lawn to the bench. The flowers and newspaper were still there. He sat down, clenched his fists, and bent his head. He’d lied and treated beautiful, stunning, Kate like little more than a tart. After all they had been through, and shared, he did that to her. Tears of shame and revulsion streamed down his left cheek.

  “Has she gone?”

  Charlie jumped and looked up as Dr Eliot smiled at him. “Yes, she’s gone.”

  “And how was it?” Dr Eliot sat down beside him.

  “Terrible.”

  “Why?” Dr Eliot seemed surprised. “She was very eager to see you, Charlie.”

  Charlie swallowed and more tears fell. “It was my fault.”

  “Did you row?”

  “You could say that.”

  “What else could I say?” Dr Eliot asked and Charlie hesitated before replying.

  “You could call me a bastard for lying to her. We had sex in the maze. No condoms of course, so I spun her the old withdrawal method line. Did I pull out in time? Of course, I bloody didn’t. And I knew she wouldn’t be able to control herself either. Now she hates me and I despise myself.”

  There was a shocked silence.

  “Did you force her into sex?” the doctor asked, lowering his voice as a nurse passed them, pushing a patient in a wheelchair.

  “No. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I love her so much. I’ve never loved anyone like I love her. I hadn’t seen her for so long. I thought I would never see her again. I couldn’t help myself. Are you going to lock me up?”

  “No, Charlie. Where is she now?”

  “Gone back to her Sector Station, I suppose. I said I’d never go near her again.”

  “Do you honestly never want to go near her again, Charlie?”

  “If I did, I couldn’t be responsible for my actions.”

  “So that’s it? After all you’ve told me about her, you just use her for sex then throw her away?”

  “I don’t want to hurt her again. If you were treated that way, would you want to see me again?”

  “You’ve told me you’ve had sex with her before.”

  “Oh, yes,” he replied.

  “It was with her consent, wasn’t it?”

  Charlie glared at the doctor. “Yes, of course, it was.”

  “Then did you expect her to say no this time when you told her that you had no condoms?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t even think… she’s never refused before. Oh, God, what have I done?” He lowered his head into his hands. “I’m so sorry, Doc.”

  “You should be apologising to her, Charlie.”

  “I did. It was too late.”

  “Why don’t you go and write her a letter?” Dr Eliot motioned towards the house. “Apologise again and, if you want, ask her if she would be willing to come and see you. I’ll sit in on the meeting – tell her that – or maybe I’ll tell her.”

  “You?” Charlie looked suspiciously at Dr Eliot.

  “I’ll be telephoning her, Charlie. To advise her to see a doctor. Just a precautionary measure.”

  “Yes.”

  “Come on.” Dr Eliot got up. “Come and write your letter.”

  “I’ve no paper left.”

  “Don’t worry about that. Come on, and I’ll get some for you.”

  Fifteen minutes later, Charlie sat at the table in his bedroom, staring at the blank sheets of paper in front of him. He’d always been bad at letters, and now having to write one like this…

  He pushed the sheets of paper away from him and got up, knowing he was a coward for putting it off. He went downstairs for dinner but only picked at it. Returning to his room, he closed the door and stared at the blank sheets lying on the table. He crossed the room and sat down, pulled a sheet towards him and picked up the pen.

  Dear Kate,

  Please don’t rip up this letter, even though I wouldn’t blame you if you did. What I did to you was unforgivable. To say I’m sorry will never be enough. Please come back. I won’t touch you, I promise, and Dr Eliot told me he would be there to make sure. I will never hurt you again, Kate, I swear. Dr Eliot told me to try and explain why. I promise that this won’t serve as an excuse. There isn’t any. This is going to sound so feeble, but ever since I lost my virginity at sixteen, I’ve never been without a girlfriend and if not a girlfriend then, well, I think you know. I can be an arrogant sod and I was never ashamed to play on my looks to get a girl.

  The first time we made love, it was you who wanted to. For the first time, I was scared. I can still see us in the kitchen of the WAAF flat with the wine bottle in my hand and all the mousetraps all over the place. For the first time, I wasn’t in control. You wanted me and I was scared. I was so in love with you. Really in love, not just saying it to get what I wanted, but so in love with you that I was really scared. But when we did, Kate, I’ll never forget it. That was it, you were the only one for me.

  After the destruction of Dunstan Street and when I went back to base that July, it was different. It was me. Don’t ever think I ever stopped loving you. I suppose I was just having trouble coming to terms with it all. I’d gone from being an idiot RAF pilot to having to take on so much responsibility. I didn’t know it was affecting me so much. I’m surprised, looking back, that it did, but we all think we can cope.

  Up to today, I hadn’t seen
you for nearly two years. I couldn’t, especially after the accident. I hated anyone who had seen me before to see me now. I lied to you because I just couldn’t believe that anyone, least of all you, could bear to look at me now. Selfish of me, I know. I couldn’t believe you could look at me the way you used to and love me the way you used to. I wanted to believe that now you were here everything was all right again, it hadn’t been two years, and we could just go back to like it was. My leg was still all right, my eye was still in place, you could still find me attractive. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have told you I wouldn’t be able to stop. I should have listened to you but, as I said, I can be an arrogant sod. I am an arrogant sod, a bastard, for knowing you wouldn’t be able to stop either and playing on that knowledge.

  I’ve hurt you in the worst possible way. Your father warned he’d kill me if I hurt you, so I couldn’t blame you if you told him where I am.

  I was supposed to be discharged in a couple of weeks. Now, I don’t know. Most likely I’ll be sent to the nearest loony-bin. You don’t have to reply to this letter, to me, I mean, but if you could keep in touch with Dr Eliot, so he knows you’re all right. And if you could be kind enough to see me, even if it is only to tell me what you think of me, I would be so grateful.

  I love you, Kate. I always will love you.

  Charlie

  XXX

  When he put the pen down he sat back, stunned at himself. Once he had started he hadn’t been able to stop. He read the letter through, staggered how frank he had been about himself. He folded it, put it in the envelope, and went downstairs to Dr Eliot’s office. The psychologist should have telephoned Kate by now.

  “I spoke to her, Charlie.” Dr Eliot motioned for him to sit down so he did. “Naturally, she was very upset. She also feels angry, shocked, and ashamed at herself – at her behaviour with you. She is going to see a doctor.”

  “Did you ask her whether she would come back here?” he asked warily.

  “Yes.” Dr Eliot sighed. “And I’m afraid the answer was no. She’s very shocked, Charlie, you have to understand. Give her some time. Is that your letter?”