Into The Unknown

by Lorna Peel

  “Ah, good, you’re back with us.” The doctor smiled. “Jean has been filling me in as best she can, but I need to ask you some questions, too. Is that all right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” He smiled again. “Are you in any pain?”

  “No.”

  “Good. Did you lift anything heavy or do anything strenuous recently?”

  She shook her head. “No, I haven’t lifted anything but, I suppose, I have been working quite hard. Probably harder than I should have been.”

  “Any fever, chills, vomiting?”

  “No, nothing. The baby?” She hadn’t dared run her hands over her stomach to make sure the bump was still there. “Is it all right?”

  “Your baby is fine,” the doctor told her. “You did bleed, but it was a warning. Five months pregnant, working all hours and keeping it a secret. You are exhausted and your baby was telling you to slow down and think of it.”

  “But I was. All the time.” Her hands moved to her bump and she smiled with relief. “It’s really all right?”

  “Yes, it is. You’ll be here for a couple of days so we can keep an eye on you but after that…”

  “I know. I’ve been thrown out of the WAAF. I have no choice but to slow down.”

  “Good.” The doctor nodded, as the nurse smoothed down the bedcovers. “I don’t mean to be unkind, but if it’s the only way.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  “Nurse Jones here will clean you up and then get you some dinner,” he said, pulling the curtain aside and following the nurse out.

  “Dinner?” Kate looked up at her friend in astonishment. “What time is it?”

  “Six in the evening.” Jean carried a chair to the bed and sat down. “You were asleep most of the day. Kate, the CO was demanding to know who the father is.”

  “You didn’t say, did you?”

  “I said I didn’t know. The doctor wanted a next of kin so I gave him Toby’s name.”

  “Thank you.” Kate sighed. “And thank you for being here, Jean.”

  Her friend gave her a weak smile. “You should have told me, Kate.”

  “I was frightened,” she said and squeezed Jean’s hand. “I’m sorry.” She genuinely was, but if she had told her, Jean would have wanted to know everything. “Could you help me to sit up?”

  With Jean’s help, she heaved herself into a sitting position and Jean arranged the pillows at her back then stared at the bump in fascination.

  “I can’t believe you managed to keep that hidden. Can I touch it?”

  “Yes.” Kate pushed the bedcovers down and smiled as Jean carefully laid the palm of her hand on the bulge.

  “Is it kicking yet?”

  “A little. You should go, Jean, it’s getting late.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t like leaving you.”

  “I’ll be fine now,” she assured her. “Call me?”

  “But where’ll you go when you’re discharged?” Jean asked and Kate tried not to let her fear show. She didn’t know.

  “I’ll have to think about that. Call me, please?”

  “Of course I will. I’ll pack your things for you, too, so you can collect them sometime. I managed to stuff a few things into a bag for you for now. If you think of anything else you need, tell me.”

  “Thanks for everything, Jean.”

  Kate slept well that night. It was her best night’s sleep since she had missed her period all those months ago. She was woken shortly after half past six and given her breakfast. As she was eating, the nurse came to her bedside.

  “You have some visitors, Kate. They arrived last night, but you were asleep.”

  “Is it Toby Williams, my cousin?”

  “Yes, and a Clive Butler, and…” The nurse was hesitant. “The father.”

  “The father?” Kate put her slice of bread and marmalade down. “Charlie Butler? He’s here?”

  “Yes, he, er…” The nurse tailed off and gestured to her right eye.

  “Yes, it’s Charlie.”

  “You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. Shall I send him away?”

  Kate thought quickly. “No, but could you send Toby and Clive in first, please?” she asked and smiled as they came to her bedside. Toby reached her first and hugged her tightly. “Careful, Toby.”

  “Oh, God, Kate, sorry.” He quickly drew back and looked down at her bump.

  She smiled again as Clive took her shoulders and kissed her cheek. “You must be exhausted,” she said. “The nurse told me you’ve been out there all night.”

  “We slept, don’t worry, but Charlie didn’t.”

  There was an awkward silence before Toby spoke. “Why didn’t you tell us, Kate?” He sounded very hurt.

  “I…” She hesitated. “I didn’t know what to do. I was very frightened and confused with what happened and everything. I’m sorry.”

  “A baby.” Clive couldn’t take his eyes off her bump.

  “Are you all right?” Toby squeezed her hand.

  “I am now.” She reached up and hugged him again, then reached for Clive. “Thank you for coming.”

  “Charlie’s here, too,” Clive reminded her. “When we got the phone call I felt I had to tell him and bring him here. Are you angry? He didn’t know anything.”

  “No, I’m not angry.” She glanced at the door, then back to Clive. “How is he?”

  “In shock.”

  She nodded. “Would you let me have a few minutes alone with him?”

  “Are you sure?” Toby was doubtful and she couldn’t blame him.

  “Yes, I’m sure. Could you draw the curtains, please?”

  They nodded, did as she asked, and went out.

  Kate braced herself as the curtain twitched and opened. Charlie came in and closed it, then walked to the chair beside her bed without looking at her. He had lost the weight he had put on but looked pale and tired. When standing beside the chair, he finally raised his head. His good eye was brimming with tears.

  “Hello, Charlie,” she said and pointed to the chair. “Sit down.”

  He obeyed her and looked at her bump for the first time but he couldn’t contain his tears and fumbled for a handkerchief. “Kate, I’m so sorry.”

  “I thought you would stop,” she whispered. “I thought I could stop. Now look.” She rested her hands on her bulge. “I kept it a secret for five months, but I was showing and I had to tell someone. Now I have to leave the WAAF. The MO sounded so disappointed, but how could I say that it wasn’t all my fault? It wouldn’t have done any good, anyway.”

  “I’m sorry,” he croaked. “Are you all right, Kate?” He gazed at her with such anxiety she wanted to cry.

  “I fainted and I bled.” She saw him nod and realised he knew what she meant. “It wasn’t the start of a miscarriage,” she assured him. “I was doing too much, worrying too much. But,” she continued, stroking her bulge, “we’re all right.”

  “Thank God,” he whispered and put out a trembling hand to touch her, then pulled it back.

  “Do you want to touch?” she asked.

  “Can I?” His whole face lit up and for a moment she saw the old Charlie, the Charlie she knew before the destruction of Dunstan Street.

  “Yes.”

  She watched as his hand rested gently on her bulge. She tried not to shake – it was the first time he had touched her since the maze – but he felt her tremble and lifted his hand off.

  “I’m sorry, I’m frightening you.”

  “No, I-I—” She stuttered. She didn’t know how she felt. Taking his hand, she placed it over the bulge again. “I want you to feel the baby we made that afternoon.”

  “What will you do?” he whispered.

  “I’ve decided that I’m going home.”

  “To Ireland?” He lifted his hand off her bulge, both looking and sounding shocked. “But your parents..?”

  “My father?” She shuddered at the thought of what he would say and do. “He’ll have to get used to th
e prospect of being a grandfather.”

  “But—” Charlie began and stopped, but she knew he was about to ask, “What about me?”

  “I’m sorry,” he continued. “After what I did to you, I’ve no right to ask anything of you.”

  “Charlie, you are going to be a father, there’s nothing I can do about that. But I don’t know if I want you to be a father to the baby. You hurt me so much, I just don’t know.”

  “I know. When will you go?” He glanced at her belly again.

  “As soon as I’m allowed to. I have to be fit to travel.”

  “Then?” His face lit up, then fell again. “No.”

  “What, Charlie? Tell me?”

  He wrung his hands and took a deep breath which shook as it was exhaled. “Come back to Rose Cottage until…” He tailed off and she knew he couldn’t bring himself to say, “Until you go.”

  “Oh, Charlie.”

  “I promise – I swear – I won’t hurt you. I’ll move into Clive and Toby’s room. You must rest and recuperate.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Think about it, please, Kate? You need someone to look after you and—” He hesitated. “Our baby.”

  Both her hands went onto her bump. It was tempting. She had to go somewhere, and she would need her money to go to Ireland.

  “I’ll think about it, Charlie.”

  “Thank you.” His face broke into a smile. “Can you feel any kicking yet?”

  “A little. Charlie, I suppose I should have told you. I’m—”

  “No.” He gently held a finger to her lips. “You’ve nothing to say sorry for, least of all to me.”

  “All right. Are you still seeing Dr Eliot?” she asked.

  “No. My final appointment was last week.”

  “He was very kind to me. He answered a lot of my questions.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “But I’m still wary of you, Charlie,” she admitted. “I can’t help it.”

  “I understand.”

  “Could you ask Toby and Clive to come in again, please?”

  “What do you think of the uniforms?” He smiled at her as he went to the curtain, opened it, and beckoned them in.

  She returned a smile. “Very smart.”

  “All right?” Toby asked her and she nodded and saw that he was behaving very coldly towards Charlie.

  “Come and sit.” She patted both edges of the bed. They sat down, and Charlie took the chair again. “All this.” She smiled. “Well, it needs a lot of getting used to. So I’m going to Ireland for a bit. Not for good,” she added quickly, seeing fear in both pairs of eyes and then relief in Charlie’s face. “But before that, I need to rest, and I’ve decided to stay at Rose Cottage.”

  “What?” Toby cried. “With Charlie? After what he did to you? Are you mad?”

  “Toby.” Clive tried to silence him. “Let her speak.”

  “It won’t be like it was.” She looked from their faces to Charlie’s. He was struggling to remain calm. “I don’t know if it can ever be the way it was again. That’s why I need to go away; I have to think. Charlie is going to move into your room. When you have leave, we will turn the dining room into a third bedroom. We eat in the kitchen, anyway. Please don’t worry.”

  “Kate, I-I—” Toby was horrified.

  “I won’t hurt her, Toby,” Charlie told him. “Don’t you think I’ve gone over and over in my mind what I did and that I should have never have done it? I made Kate pregnant and I can’t ever make up for what I did, but if I can help just a tiny bit… We have to think of Kate and the baby now. Please understand?”

  For a few moments, Toby and Charlie stared silently at each other and Kate reached out and squeezed Toby’s arm.

  “Toby, please?”

  “All right,” he conceded. “But you hurt her again, Charlie, and I’ll…”

  “I’ll never hurt Kate again, Toby,” Charlie whispered.

  Kate called Jean that evening and waited an anxious few minutes for her friend to come to the telephone, hoping she had enough change. She had good news; the hospital was discharging her in the morning.

  Hearing that Kate was going to Rose Cottage, Jean was surprised. Kate assured her it was only temporary, but knew Jean was hoping she and Charlie would get back together again.

  She hung up and jingled the remaining coins in her hand. Should she get Charlie to come and collect her, or should she just get the bus to Market Kirby herself? On impulse, she left a message for him at the Post Office.

  She was up and dressed and her bag was on the bed when Charlie arrived at the hospital the next morning.

  “Thanks for letting me know, Kate,” he said, picking up her bag. “I collected your things from the Sector Station yesterday evening. Do you need any help?”

  “No, I’m quite all right, thank you.” She buttoned up her coat and went to find the nurse, Charlie following her.

  “Slow down,” the nurse commanded. “We don’t want to see you again for another four months.”

  “I will. Thank you very much.”

  “You make sure.” The nurse looked up at Charlie.

  “I will,” he replied.

  When she saw the car, she felt a little uneasy. Could Charlie really drive with only one eye, she wondered as he put her bag in the boot, then held the passenger door open for her.

  “The doctors told me I was perfectly capable of driving with only one eye,” he told her. “I have permission. I would never drive with you in the car otherwise.”

  She flushed guiltily and got in and he limped around the car and got in behind the wheel.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “It’s all right.”

  She began to feel nervous as they approached Market Kirby. No-one there knew she was pregnant. They did know she and Charlie weren’t married and now they would see how Mrs Hodges’ gossip had been true after all. There would be even more gossip, but it would be nothing compared to the letter she would have to write to her parents and grandmother. What would her father do to her? To Charlie?

  Luckily, she and Charlie weren’t seen as they went into Rose Cottage. He put her bag on the double bed then came back out to the hall.

  “You go and sit down while I cook us some dinner.”

  “Can’t I help?” she asked, hoping he wasn’t going to treat her like an invalid.

  “No, thanks,” he replied. “I just have to boil some potatoes and cabbage. Len Rowlands killed one of their pigs recently and I bought some ham. We’ll have it cold.”

  “Boiled bacon, cabbage and potatoes – a great Irish meal.” She smiled but he didn’t. It probably reminded him she was leaving soon. “I’ll unpack then I’ll sit down.”

  She went into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe. All of Charlie’s clothes were gone. Opening the chest of drawers, she saw that all his socks, shirts, underpants, handkerchiefs and braces were gone. She felt a pang and looked around her. The room was so very empty.

  All the photographs were still on the mantelpiece in the living room and she stared at the photograph of Charlie in front of his Hurricane. Proud, handsome, a smile on his face – his handsome, beautiful face…

  “Kate?”

  She jumped and spun around but he had seen her look at the photograph and a hand was automatically touching his cheek beside his false eye. He gazed from the photograph to her, anxiously searching her face, and she struggled to keep it composed.

  “Dinner’s ready,” he said finally and turned away.

  The meal was delicious and she told him so.

  “Billy kept telling me to eat.” He smiled. “I like my food too much to not remember.”

  “Billy was very kind to me.”

  “Yes, he said he visited you. He said you cried.”

  She nodded. “It was not long after I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t tell him because—”

  “You knew he’d tell me,” Charlie finished.

  “Nobody knew. I think Jean’s a bit offended, but
I was so confused.”

  “I know,” he said softly. “I can’t believe it – a baby,” he added and got to his feet. “I’ll wash up.”

  “Let me help?” she asked, standing up and reaching for her plate.

  “No. No, Kate, you rest. Go and lie down.”

  “I’ve just been in bed. I’ll have a walk in the garden.”

  “All right.” He sounded doubtful. “Wrap up warm.”

  She smiled to herself and went to get her coat. In the garden, she went to the copper beech tree. It had got bigger, like her, and she ran her hands over her tummy and took a deep breath of fresh air. What would Charlie’s parents, Helen, Bob and Granny Barbara have thought of a baby? Granny Barbara would have been a great-grandmother-to-be. Granny Norah in Ireland would be delighted. Hopefully. Granny Barbara, Kate smiled, would probably have been appalled at the prospect.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Charlie stood beside her and Kate jumped, not having heard him approach.

  “Or are they worth tuppence?” she finished. “My Granny Norah always used to say that. Soon-to-be Great-Granny Norah. What would your parents have said?”

  “My father would never have forgiven me if the truth came out. It would have. He could always read me like a book. But he would have enjoyed being a grandfather. My mother would have been horrified…” Tailing off, he shuffled uncomfortably. “What about your parents and grandmother?”

  “I can’t begin to imagine Daddy’s reaction,” she said, full of nerves. “Remember what he said about me being left pregnant?”

  Charlie nodded. “Do you want me to write to him? I’ll explain. I’ll take the blame.”

  “No,” she cried. “He’s never to know, Charlie, never. No-one else is ever to know. No, I’ll write.”

  “But it’s my fault. I did this to you.”

  “As far as Daddy, Mummy and Granny Norah are concerned, it’s an accident.”

  “But Kate—”

  “No, Charlie, leave it up to me. You don’t need to be told what Daddy’s like. Please?” Charlie looked to be on the verge of tears but nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered and went back inside.

  Chapter Twenty

  Charlie kept out of Kate’s way while she wrote the letter. He went into the cottage for his hat and overcoat, ration books and wallet, then walked up the street to the village shop. He was buying for two now, well, two and a half. A baby – he still couldn’t believe it. He bought potatoes, carrots, parsnips and wholemeal flour. He could just about bake bread, even if it did have the weight and consistency of a brick.