A Different Kind of Happy

by Rachaele Hambleton

  He then pulled out some pregnancy multi-vitamins and anti-sickness wristbands. The beam across his face had doubled.

  I can’t remember his exact words, but it was something like: ‘Jo, I want us to have this baby. I want us to get married and complete our family. This all makes sense to me and I’ve never, ever been happier than what I’ve been since I met you and your kids.’ He went on to tell me that he had been speaking to the landlord and they’d agreed a figure for the house that was now well within our budget. His mum has had an offer on her house and she is looking at the two little cottages tomorrow afternoon. It just all felt like it was coming together. Finally.

  I cried so hard that I had snot dripping from my nose and I think I may have dribbled, just to make me look even more attractive.

  I think I said yes over a hundred times to his proposal and I felt so, so happy. I still feel so happy. I’m buzzing.

  His reaction to the pregnancy news made me realise how much I want this – and how happy I am – for the baby, for us to get married and for our future together, the eight of us.

  The engagement ring is beautiful. Wearing it gives me feelings I’ve never felt before; nothing has ever compared to how happy this has made me. The ring shines so bright constantly, and I feel honoured that I’ve been trusted with it – that Pat and Jamie trust me to take care of something so special.

  When we got home, Jamie called all the kids to the kitchen and told them that we were getting married. I held up my hand and wiggled my ring finger and they all jumped up and down. Belle wiped a tear from her cheek and as she hugged Jamie, I saw her whisper, ‘Thank you,’ into his ear. Ruby asked when we could go and get her bridesmaid dress and the boys started planning a wedding party with football goals and a rodeo bull to ride on.

  Pat had a little sob with me over a late-night cuppa on the swinging chair in the garden. She linked my arm in hers and thanked me for making her son and grandchildren so happy. I wasn’t sure how I’d managed that. Life seemed to have been one shitstorm after another since we’d been together, but it was clear that had just made us stronger.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  A Different Kind of Happy Ever After

  Thursday

  We spent today on the beach. I met Meg, Lou and Jen and we spent the whole day sat on the sand while the kids played together building sandcastles and running through the waves. The kids were getting along better than ever today, and even Belle, Molly and Jacob came.

  As we walked down, I kept my arm wrapped around Molly and told her how proud I was of her. She didn’t say a lot, but she grasped my hand tight on the top of her arm and she thanked me for everything. She said she was nervous about seeing Lou, but I explained Lou thought she was amazingly brave and was excited to see her.

  They sat on a blanket together, down by the tide, and I saw Lou drape her arm across Molly’s shoulders as they talked to each other. I watched Molly rest her head on Lou’s shoulder – perhaps she was crying; I couldn’t see – but they were together chatting for a good hour, and when they came back to join us they both seemed happy and at peace.

  Molly also still hung out with Harry as she had before so I was pleased that the situation hadn’t changed their relationship; and, actually, when you take away the sheer shitshow side to all of this, a young girl who was drowning in loneliness has just gained two brothers and their amazing mum.

  I was really feeling the love today and my three new friends were over the moon when I told them about mine and Jamie’s engagement. I’d been worried about telling them since the end of Lou’s marriage was so traumatic and still so raw, but she was nothing if not ecstatic. She said we all needed more love in our lives and was pleased that we had something to celebrate. So much has changed for me in the last few months but these women coming into my life is one of the changes that I cherish the most. We’ve been through so much together, in so little time, and we’ve forged a bond that will last a lifetime. I’m so proud of us and am so grateful for them.

  And to top it all, we had the best day today.

  Friday

  I went for a coffee with Jaclyn today, just to a café in town on the high street. She had been over to see Lou on Wednesday evening and she seemed totally different now to the Jaclyn I had met originally.

  She seems so much calmer, and upon speaking to her in more detail, the leash she kept tightly upon her daughter was to keep her away from David and the damage she knew he was capable of. Now that their secret was out, she seemed almost at peace. She was totally fine with allowing Molly to have a life like a normal teenage girl – encouraging it even by asking me about the curfews and allowances Belle has in place so she can do the same with Molly. It was clear it was never about not trusting her – it was always about protecting her – and I felt a pang of guilt for how badly I had mistaken the entire situation and judged her in such a negative light.

  Jaclyn said that she was going to speak to Lou about Molly seeing the boys and how it will work because she doesn’t want to upset her or overstep the mark, but she knows Molly is desperate for them to come over and spend time with them. I know from speaking to Lou, and watching Lou speak to Molly, that she will be fine with this – she knows the boys having a big sister is something they’ll love, and the issue they have with their dad, who funnily enough has been silent and invisible since this situation came to light, is already enough for them to contend with without adding more issues in with Jaclyn and Molly – and perhaps now, finally, the swimming pool will get the love it deserves.

  Saturday

  I’m knackered! Jaclyn and I took the girls up to Exeter today and I had to pull the car over twice to be sick. Belle kept saying we should go back as I was poorly, but finally we managed to get there and the girls were excited about the shopping trip.

  I ended up confiding in Jaclyn about the baby when the girls were trying clothes on. I worried she would think I was maybe contagious and also I thought it may be obvious. She seemed really chuffed for me, like it was nothing but a good thing. That made me feel better. I worry people think Jamie and I are mad to have another one when we already have so many children.

  How strange – I really had my doubts about this woman when I first met her and now she had been the first to learn I was pregnant.

  The girls had an amazing day and the dynamic between Jaclyn and Molly has already changed; they are so much closer and it is so beautiful to see. Walking past a card shop, Jaclyn pulled me aside and pointed to one of the more risqué cards on display up on a top shelf. I thought she was ready to make a complaint to the sales assistant that a card with a penis joke was on display where our girls might have seen it, but instead she elbowed me gently in the ribs and snorted with laughter until I found myself joining her. It turns out she actually has a wicked sense of humour and I like her. I really like her.

  We spent too much money on clothes for the girls to wear when they start college, but they’ve had a tough summer, and they’re good girls, so it was nice.

  We got back around 7pm and I’ve come straight up to bed. Mark is coming tomorrow and I’m dreading seeing him.

  Jamie is as reassuring as ever, but Belle is still adamant her dad’s a dick and she doesn’t want to go but at the same time she feels she has to so she can protect Art if (when) Mark fucks up.

  Sunday

  So today didn’t go to plan.

  Belle didn’t come. I went in to wake her and she just opened one eye and said, ‘No, Mum, I’ve decided I’m not doing it.’ I didn’t really know how to feel: relief that he wouldn’t upset her, but upset she didn’t want to see her dad – I just didn’t know.

  We got to the beach just after 10am and Stanley was running up and down loving the boys chasing him. It got close to 11am and Mark still hadn’t arrived. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. My heart sank at the prospect of him not turning up, but I thought even he wouldn’t be that cruel this time – although I knew deep down from past experiences there was every chance he w
ould be late, or not show at all. I knew that if he was on his way he would have his brand-new top-of-the-range phone synced to whatever penis extension he was driving and he would have answered the call. When he didn’t, I just knew he wasn’t coming, and I got butterflies in my tummy – the bad butterflies that flit about from the pit of your stomach to your throat making you go physically jittery and people notice the panic in you.

  The boys were bored by now and there was a chill in the air. I worried Art would get upset so I suggested visiting Lou and the boys as they hadn’t seen their flat yet. They were instantly excited and I prayed that Mark would either turn up, or this would take Art’s mind off it if he did call and drop the bombshell I knew was coming.

  We walked in and both my boys were so lush – as they nosed around they kept saying how amazing it was, how lucky they were to see the beach out the windows and that they loved the boys’ bunk beds. I could see Lou’s face light up and it made me so happy that they were so kind when I imagine she worried what people’s reactions would be after what she was used to.

  She made us a coffee and Jamie and I sat with her in the front room while the boys played on the Xbox in their room. Stanley sat in front of the huge sash windows watching everyone on the beach. Lou seemed really happy and relaxed. She had a book on the sofa next to her and a cashmere blanket, and she told me she’d been thinking about getting a dog for the boys. They’d always wanted one but David hated them, so it was never an option. It made me so happy she was already making choices for her and the boys, confirming she wasn’t going back but also planning for their future, together, the three of them.

  I kept trying to call Mark, but got no response. By now it was midday and time for us to get back to the other kids. We’d told Pat we would only be half an hour.

  Just as we stood up to leave, Mark called back. I answered the call, my hands already shaking with adrenaline and anger, and he immediately began with the excuses. Art and Rex were stood in front of me getting their shoes on and although the phone wasn’t on speaker, they could hear Mark’s patronising tone clearly. Art took the phone off me and asked what time he would be coming. Mark immediately went into great detail about a deal going wrong at work, meaning he’d had to rush into the office and had got stuck in a meeting so he would have to ‘postpone’.

  A meeting. First thing on a Sunday morning.

  ‘Postpone’ – as if it was a football match that couldn’t be played because of bad weather.

  I wanted to kill him. I was so unbelievably angry. I waited for Art to lose his temper, to break his heart and start to cry but he didn’t. He just stood, holding the phone, listening to the shit pour from his dad’s mouth. He then said ‘OK’ and ended the call. I instantly switched it to silent in case he called back, which he did, immediately. I ignored the flashing phone and got ready to reassure a devastated little boy who had been rejected by his dad again, but amazingly it didn’t come.

  Instead he looked up and said, ‘I knew he’d do that,’ and I realised that his heart had hardened to his dad, and, even though it shouldn’t have to do that, he was learning to protect himself. Before I could apologise for his dad for the millionth time, before I could pretend that I believed him and he would come visit soon, Jamie began playfighting with both boys and said, ‘Looks like you’re stuck with me today.’ As they got carried away clambering all over him, he asked what they wanted to do and they decided upon swimming. He walked out of the flat with them both hanging off him in fits of giggles and I realised this was Mark’s loss.

  I didn’t return Mark’s call and I’ve decided I am no longer going to accept his. His number is now blocked. In order for him to contact me he will have to get in his penis extension and make the drive down to knock on my front door. He knows where we are. Part of me thinks, oh great, here we go again, but really I know that it won’t be like the other times because things are different now. We’re different now. I’m different, and my children are different. We know our worth. I am no longer going to engage with someone who cannot prioritise being a parent to their children, and I pray that my silence is so deafening it makes him want to be a dad – but if not then I am finally at peace with the fact they have everything they need right here with us.

  I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I sat here in the garden this afternoon and thought about how crazy things have been since we moved here. But although things have been hard since Jamie and I made this move together, it was never hard between ‘us’. We have always been OK – it was just everyone around us that caused these feelings.

  And although I’ve cried more tears that I have ever cried before, and felt extreme emotions of happiness, sadness and devastation, I know now that I didn’t ‘feel’ anything when I was married to Mark – I just bumbled through, isolated from friends and family with no highs or lows. And despite feeling some really low lows in the last six months, I’ve also felt some ridiculous highs, and I’ve come to the conclusion this is how you live – this is the right way to do it, where you feel things, experience things, rather than just plodding … I feel like for the first time in my life I now understand the saying ‘life is like a rollercoaster’.

  There’s been a lot of soul-searching this year, and a huge cloud that’s been hanging over that is the prospect of what I might find out about myself in my adoption papers. At first I was waiting for Pat to come back to hold my hand while I took it all in, but now I’m starting to think that, actually, I don’t want to look at all. Who I am isn’t tied to how I came into this world and how my life began. Who I am is who I have made myself into. It’s the little things, like how I like my coffee, and how that one part of my hair on the left side will never lie flat. It’s the big things, like my family and my friends. It’s knowing that I’m loved and knowing who I love, and I’m more aware of that now than ever. I’m not going to be reading the papers any time soon.

  Right now, today, even after this morning, life is good. We’ve built an amazing life here, full of incredible friends who would do anything for us and make us want to do likewise. They’ve had me crying with laughter and in sadness recently and I’m so pleased we’ve had those experiences together – good and bad. I’ve learnt a lot over the last few months – I can always be kinder, relationships aren’t always what they seem, and I need to always remember that there are so many different ways to be happy. If I can find one way every day, and if my children can do the same, then I can’t and won’t ask for more than that.

  I’m now sat in a home that we will soon own, planning the changes we will make to fit a tiny new bubba, while I am surrounded by happy kids and a devoted fiancé who is the most amazing daddy and stepfather, and it’s made me see that, sometimes, the most dysfunctional families are the happiest and the ones that look like they have it all really don’t.

  Jamie wanders over to where I’m sat, carrying two cups of tea, so we can grab five minutes’ peace together before the next drama begins. He meets my eyes then floors me with a smile.

  I wouldn’t change a thing right now … not one thing.

  Acknowledgements

  To my circle, which is now somewhat smaller than it was during my first book in 2017.

  Thank you to each and every one of you for your love, your support and your loyalty.

  For always listening to my crazy, rambling voice notes, reading my weird WhatsApp messages and supporting my hopes and dreams, however crazy they may seem.

  Thank you also for the understanding that some days I’m just ‘too busy’ but I’ve not changed. I will never change. I will always be me and I will always do whatever I can for you.

  To my circle, if you’re a part of it, and I know you will know if you are.

  To my circle. Smaller. Smaller but stronger.

  I love you all endlessly.

  THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

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  First published by Ebury Press in 2021

  Copyright © Rachaele Hambleton 2021

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Cover design: Emma Rogers

  ISBN: 978-1-473-57197-6

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