Fathers and Sons

by Le Veque, Kathryn

  “Will you accept mine?”

  The question hung in the air between them. Adalind’s tears faded as she thought on it. She’d known the man her entire life and he’d asked her dozens of questions during that time. So why was this question so different? She swore she heard something in the tone. It was gentle and hopeful. But perhaps she was simply imagining there was anything more than polite concern to the question. She remembered earlier in the day when his manner had abruptly changed as they had discussed suitors and marriage.

  Still, she felt such painful longing for the man, more and more as the hours went by. Since his return yesterday, she could feel her emotions for him magnifying. He was such a handsome, sweet, compassionate and powerful man. She’d known him her whole life; she knew his character. She was so far gone in love with him that it would surely ruin her life.

  “Maddoc?”

  “Aye?”

  “I have come to a decision.”

  “What is that?”

  She sniffled, wiped at her nose, and shifted so she was facing him. She gazed up into that handsome face, feeling the tears at her throat again, feeling more pain and sorrow than she’d ever known.

  “I… I have decided to commit myself to the cloister,” she said. “It is the only alternative, you see, for I shall never marry. My grandfather and grandmother are great patrons of Canterbury Cathedral, so it would be a simple thing to join the Augustine order there. I have been familiar with it all of my life. Besides, if I join the order at the cathedral, I will still be close to home.”

  Maddoc gazed down into her sad face. “This is the first time I have heard you express any interest in joining the cloister.”

  She shrugged. “Perhaps it is the first time I have spoken of it,” she said. “But I have been thinking of it for a while, I truly have. It is not a new idea to me.”

  He looked at her thoughtfully. Then, he took a few steps and lowered his bulk down next to her. Sitting side by side, leaning up against the wall, they gazed at each other. It was the first time Maddoc could remember that he openly inspected her, as purely a man to a woman, noting the slight tilt of her lovely eyes and the dusting of freckles across her nose. She had such beautiful skin, so creamy and smooth. She was the most spectacular woman he had ever seen.

  “When you were about eight or nine years of age, you first declared that you were deeply in love with me,” he said. “I was very young, newly knighted, and ignored you for the most part, so you hid under my bed in the knight’s quarters. I think you were waiting there to murder me in my sleep. Do you recall?”

  Adalind fought off a grin, averting her gaze. “I do.”

  “Do you recall that it was a safe haven until I lay upon the bed and the mattress sank?”

  She was struggling not to giggle. “You nearly squashed me between the floor and the mattress.”

  His grin broke through. “Thank God you had the presence of mind to yell before I smothered you.”

  She started to laugh. “I nearly passed out.”

  He was starting to laugh now, too. “It would have served you right, you pint-sized assassin.”

  Her laughter deepened. “I think I was going to kill you, after all, but as I thought on it, I would miss you too much. Perhaps, I was just going to make your life miserable for a while. I believe I succeeded, too.”

  He shook his head. “You never made me miserable. Frustrated at times, but never miserable. You were too sweet to make me truly miserable.”

  Her smile faded, hearing tender words from his mouth that she could have easily believed to have been romantic rather than simply kind. Maddoc had always had a soft spot for the girls in the family, showing more compassion and understanding than most. But he only let a select few see that side of him. Adalind had always been one of them in spite of her annoying presence at times.

  As she gazed back at him, her heart swelled so that she thought it might burst from her chest and words of longing and adoration came to her lips, but she bit them off and looked away. She couldn’t stomach to look upon the man and not tell him what was in her heart. He didn’t want to hear it, anyway.

  “You were patient to tolerate a young girl who gazed upon you with stars in her eyes,” she admitted. “I always appreciated your kindness and your discretion for not telling my mother half of the things that I did in my quest to conquer you.”

  He was looking at her lowered head, her dark blond hair, resisting the urge to reach out and stroke the silken strands.

  “I hardly recall any of it,” he said quietly. “It seems that fostering has taken the edge off of your rebel spirit. You have returned to Canterbury refined and proper. Why put all of that time and effort to waste at a convent?”

  Adalind shook her head, her gaze on the straw-covered floor. “It would not be a waste,” she murmured. “Maddoc, where did you foster?”

  “Northwood Castle in Northumberland. It is one of the great border castles in the north.”

  “Did you like it? Did you make any friends there?”

  “I made many friends. They are like my brothers.”

  She sighed. “That is what I had hoped for as well,” she muttered. “But I found little companionship when I fostered, only jealousy and evil. I simply wanted to belong. I hope that the nuns will not be so judgmental or wicked. Perhaps… perhaps I will finally find where I belonged with them.”

  “Is that what you truly want? Simply to belong somewhere?”

  She grew frustrated. “You make it sound as if I wish for something foolish or trite,” she said, snappish, and attempted to stand. “It is easy for you to ask that question because you belong here, or with your friends at Northwood. Maddoc, I have not been home in five years. It is not even my home anymore; it is simply a place where my family lives. I suppose Winchester Palace was my home, but I did not belong there, either. The people there, people who were supposed to be my friends, were cruel as you can imagine. I feel as if I live nowhere and have no one. Ever since I returned to Canterbury, I have this feeling of drifting and awkwardness.”

  He reached up and grasped her wrist before she could get away. “I am sorry,” he said gently, soothingly. “I did not mean to sound judgmental. I would never presume to do that. Please do not leave.”

  She tried to yank away but she didn’t give it a very good effort. Eventually, she plopped back down onto her buttocks but she wouldn’t look at him. He continued to hold on to her wrist, fearful she was going to try to get away again. He studied her profile, wondering where all of these strangely warm feelings for her were coming from. Since they had gotten reacquainted yesterday, that spark of surprise he had experienced when he had first seen her was morphing into something different. He’d never experienced anything like it. All he knew was that he didn’t want her to leave.

  “Addie,” he said in a low, soft voice. “This is your home. You will always belong here with people that love you. In that respect, I am very envious of that because the only family I have is in Wales or in France. I was raised by my grandmother and my uncle, and went to foster when I was ten years of age. When I was seventeen, I found out that my father, who I believed had been killed when I was a child, was, in fact, alive and living in France. Although I am now close with my father and stepmother, the truth is that I only came to know them as an adult. I do not have fond or happy memories of my childhood with them. Even if you feel as if you do not belong at Canterbury, the truth is that you have a family that loves you a great deal and you do, indeed, belong with them. You are very much loved and cherished.”

  Adalind was still staring at the ground. When he was finished, she reached down and picked at a piece of straw off the hem of her surcoat. Her manner was sad, fidgety.

  “I know they love me,” she said, almost guiltily, “but I… oh, I do not know what more to say. I feel as if I want to run away from the world and hide.”

  “So that is why you want to join the cloister? Because you want to hide?”

  She simply nodded. After
a moment, he saw a tear roll down her face and drip off her chin. His manner softened.

  “Hide from what, Addie?” he whispered. “What are you hiding from?”

  She burst into tears and shook her head. He thought, perhaps, she wouldn’t answer him. But after a few moments, she began to speak.

  “I am hiding from fools like the ap Athoe brothers and Eynsford du Lesseps,” she wept. “I am hiding from the lords who would see me in the halls of Winchester and send me secret messages that were intercepted by servants who then spread vicious rumors. I am hiding from the wives of those lords who would slap me in public or tear my surcoat in church and call it an accident. I am hiding from maidens that were supposed to be my friends but when attractive suitors would call upon me, these same maidens would steal from me or break my hair combs, or refuse to talk to me and cause me to eat my meals alone. Someone even cut my hair one night when I was sleeping; they cut off the bottom of one of my braids and I had to cut my hair to even it out. I am hiding from all of these horrible people, Maddoc, and I will not allow you to judge me for what I feel or stop me from what I feel I must do. If I want to join the cloister to remove myself from these terrible things, then I will do so.”

  She was wiping her face furiously by the time she was finished, angry and heartbroken tears coursing down her cheeks. Maddoc sat still and silent against the wall, letting her vent, feeling overwhelming sadness for her. It was probably more than she told her mother and grandmother, embarrassing and painful things to tell. He sighed heavily.

  “I am so sorry,” he murmured. “It sounds as if you bore the brunt of some very mean and petty actions. Is that why you came home?”

  She nodded, wiping at her wet chin. “I withstood it for three years,” she said, finally looking up at him. “Three long years of abuse until I could stand it no longer. I had hoped to secure a high position at court, perhaps even a lady-in-waiting to the queen, but that dream will never know fruition. Everything I wished and worked for is in ruins.”

  Maddoc watched her face, feeling so very sorry for her. God, how he wished he could have protected her or helped her. Poor Adalind didn’t deserve any of what had evidently been dealt to her.

  “You know why they did it, do you not?” he asked quietly.

  Sniffling, she eyed him with confusion. “Because they hated me.”

  “That is only a small part of it, I am sure. But there is a greater reason.”

  “What is that?”

  He smiled at her. “Because they are jealous,” he said. “Look at you; I have never seen a more beautiful woman and I am quite certain I am not the only one to have noticed your beauty. All of these women you speak of are simply jealous. You have something they will never have and they will punish you for it. It is envy, pure and simple.”

  The words from his lips warmed her, eased her sorrow. Still, she knew he was saying it out of kindness. Perhaps he really didn’t mean any of it. He was simply trying to make her feel better. Averting her gaze, she wiped the last of the tears from her face.

  “You are very sweet to try and ease me,” she said, “but you do not have to say such things. It does not matter why those things happened, only that they did. But I would appreciate it if you did not tell anyone. It is my shame to bear.”

  “I will take the information to my grave,” he assured her. “But I did not tell you those things simply to ease you. I told you because they are the truth.”

  She shrugged. Then she cast him a sidelong glance, a weak grin on her face. “You have never said such things to me before,” she said. “Have you grown so foolish in your old age?”

  He snorted. “I have grown wise beyond measure,” he told her, smiling. “What a fool I was to resist you those years ago.”

  “That is your misfortune.”

  “More than you know,” he agreed, eyeing her. “Is it too late to consider that marriage proposal you presented to me when you were eleven years of age?”

  She laughed softly, displaying her pretty white teeth. “You must be getting desperate,” she said, rising to her knees and brushing off the straw. “As I recall, you never had any shortage of female admirers. Grandfather used to say that there was a star in the sky…”

  He cut her off, finishing for her. “For every heart I have broken.” He pretended to be annoyed as she giggled. “Perhaps I resisted you all of those years just to throw you off of my true intentions towards you. I did not want to make such an easy conquest.”

  She laughed out loud as she began to make her way out of the stable. “You have no true intentions towards me, Maddoc du Bois,” she said, glancing behind her as he followed. “Stop teasing me. You will only break my heart again and I do not think I can stand it.”

  The night outside the stables was cool and misty as they emerged from the stable. Adalind immediately wrapped her arms around her torso, chilled, as they headed off towards the keep. Maddoc took her elbow politely, escorting her, but at some point he realized he had hold of her because he wanted to. He probably should have let her go at that point but he didn’t want to; he knew he would miss the feel of her in his hand.

  “It was never my intention to break your heart, you know,” he said, his gaze moving about the posts up on the parapets that were being set for the night. “You must remember that I was rather young at the time as well.”

  She cast him a sidelong glance, a smile playing on her lips. “And you were, therefore, completely ignorant of women?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “But now you are not. You are wise and experienced.”

  He shrugged with some hesitance. “Wise, yes. But I am not entirely sure about experienced.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I am a busy man. A woman takes time and I’ve none to spare these days.”

  “Surely you must have spared time for your wife.”

  He nodded. “I did, but I had no choice. She was my wife and, by virtue of that station, deserved my attention.”

  Adalind fell silent as they crossed the darkened bailey, drawing closer to the keep. She was interested in his wife, this mysterious woman who had held the one thing in life Adalind had ever wanted – she’d had Maddoc. She tried to be careful in her approach.

  “What was she like?” she asked after a moment.

  He was thoughtful. “She was a very well-bred woman,” he replied. “She was well-educated and spoke appropriately. She had been well-schooled in how to behave for a husband.”

  “But what was she like? Was she humorous? A shrew?”

  He grinned. “I am not entirely sure I know,” he replied. “It seemed to me… well, it seemed to me, at times, that she was simply doing what she was told to do, as I was. I cannot say there was any affection in our marriage. Simply duty.”

  She gave him a disapproving expression. “Did you even try to get to know her? Perhaps, she was a very nice woman.”

  He could see she was mostly teasing him. “Of course I tried,” he insisted weakly. “But I am afraid to tell you the rest.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you might become angry with me. This I could not abide.”

  She fought off a grin. “I will not become angry with you.”

  “Swear it?”

  “Tell me, you coward, before I become angry.”

  He tried not to laugh. “Very well,” he said. “She was a very plain woman with a plain personality. She cried for three hours after we first met. She saw me as a fear, as a duty, and nothing more. When she became pregnant, she wept nearly the entire time, every day, so I mostly tried to stay away from her. Any sight of me greatly upset her. In hindsight, I do not think I was a very good husband to her, although I did try. She simply wanted nothing to do with me.”

  Adalind paused as they reached the wooden stairs that led up into the keep. Her eyes glittered warmly at him.

  “She was a fool, then,” she said quietly, a smile on her lips. “I am glad I was not here to see it.”

  “See what?”


  “Her indifference. You deserve a woman who will worship everything about you. I am afraid I might have had to slap some sense into her.”

  A smile spread across his lips as he looked at her. “You are my champion, then?”

  She nodded firmly and turned for the keep. “If I cannot have you, then I will make sure whoever has you is well aware of your worth.”

  The smile faded from his face as he watched her take the steps. If I cannot have you. Those words had never bothered him until this moment. Now, they bothered him a great deal. In fact, the past day had seen to destroy every notion he’d ever had about Adalind de Aston. He was coming to feel like the annoying little girl from the past and this glorious creature in front of him were two different women. Had he only just met Adalind, as the magnificent beauty in front of him, he would have pursued her in an instant. He’d never pursued a woman in his life, although he’d had ample opportunity. Therefore, this was all uncharted territory for him and he was vastly uncertain.

  “My lady,” he called to her.

  Adalind turned to look at him. He was standing at the bottom of the steps, partially shrouded by the darkness of the night.

  “Aye?”

  He paused before answering and his insecurity was evident. The usually confident knight seemed uneasy.

  “I would ask that you reconsider committing yourself to the cloister,” he said quietly. “You never know what opportunities will be presented to you. You would not want to do anything in haste.”

  Adalind visibly sobered. “Perhaps,” she said, not particularly noticing how uneasy he seemed. She was thinking of her own future, or lack thereof. “I appreciate your concern, Maddoc. Thank you for lending your ear.”

  “Always, my lady,” he said as he turned away. “For you, always.”

  Adalind wished the soft tone he used equated to interest in her, but she knew better. With a sad sigh, she entered the keep.