Global Warming Fun 5: It’s a Dry Heat

by Gary J. Davies

PART OF CALIFORNIA WE ARE OPPOSED BOTH BY HUMANS AND HARVESTER ANTS. THE HUMANS THERE IGNORE THE TREATY AND MANY OF US ARE KILLED. THAT SITUATION IS INTOLERABLE."

  "YOU SHOULD HAVE COMPLAINED OF THAT TO RESPONSIBLE HUMANS, NOT TAKEN CONTROL OF THEM," said Ed. "THIS IS A DANGEROUS GAME YOU PLAY; YOU COULD LOSE HUMAN COOPERATION."

  "AND YOU COULD LOSE OURS. WORLD-WIDE WE SAVE TENS OF MILLIONS OF HUMAN LIVES A YEAR FROM DISEASE, REQUIRING A HUGE EXPENDITURE OF OUR LIMITED RESOURCES. WE REASON THAT OUR CONTROL OF A FEW HUMANS TO ENSURE THAT YOU KEEP YOUR WORD TO US IS NECESSARY AND SHOULD BE TOLERABLE FOR HUMANS AND EVEN WELCOMED. IT IS WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL A 'TRADE-OFF' THAT IS IN THE FAVOR OF BOTH OF US. WE FOLLOW LOGIC."

  Ed wasn't sure what his answer should be to that. "I'LL THINK ABOUT IT," he finally said, and ended the conversation.

  OK, at least the jants seemed to be rational. Too coldly rational! Not for the first time he decided that he much preferred linking thoughts with nice simple-thinking raptors or other animals to linking thoughts with jants. The swift hunting birds were killing machines but even after forty years he didn't knew what the hell the jants were.

  He had told the jants that he'd think about it, but how could jants controlling humans ever be a 'good' thing? And jants through med-ticks did save millions of human lives yearly. And the Confederacy was clearly breaking the Treaty. Did that justify jants controlling selected humans?

  Hell no! The whole thing was too monstrous! It was a line they shouldn't have crossed, but they were doing it, probably world-wide. How many human so-called world leaders were jant controlled? How many more were being targeted for jant control?

  The world was full of wars now, hundreds of them, mostly relatively small ones, but thousands of people died daily in them. Many more humans died as indirect war casualties; starvation and petulance followed closely in the wake of direct violent death. Wars were the most efficient means to disrupt and destroy ever devised by man. Were some of them driven by coldly calculating jants rather than by human hate, fear, revenge, and other excuses?

  Were the jants in the human war business? Around the world was part of the current bumper- crop of narcissistic egomaniacal dictators jant-controlled? But no, such abuse was too monstrous a thing to contemplate, and humans needed no help to misbehave. Besides, both humans and Stone-Coats would notice it happening. For example Ann and her UN would notice. Ken was right; all this stuff was BS, or at least much of it was. It had to be! He was letting his imagination get the best of him, he decided. Paranoia was a severe mental condition to be avoided.

  He drifted off to join Mary in sleep that was very soon interrupted by an insistent knock on the door. Answering it, Ed was nearly knocked over by a tall attractive young woman carrying arms full of packages. "I hope you both like these," she told Mary, who was already sitting up and alert.

  It took Ed several moments to realize that the attractive young woman was none other than China Doll, returned from the Mall with new clothes for Mary and himself. "Holy smokes!" he exclaimed. Doll had been transformed from a rough ragamuffin biker into an exotic princess. She wore a short dress that showed off her athletic legs and slim but curvy figure while hiding her arm and shoulder tattoos. Her usually unruly hair was also totally reworked artfully. "You look more like a fashion model than a warrior princess!"

  "Not totally," she replied. She pushed aside her little vest to display a hidden handgun and hunting knife. "I'm just as deadly as ever; it just doesn't show as much. Mara had to get me State permits for me to carry the knife and gun though. Can you imagine such a thing? We got weapon permits for Snake too and he laughed himself silly when I gave them to him." She distributed bags and boxes to Mary and Ed before retreating back out the door. "You guys pick out what you want to wear tonight while I go back and work some more on Snake. His new wardrobe is an awful shock for him, and right now he's getting a hair trim, if he hasn't by now murdered the hair stylist that Mara found for him."

  Mary was excited to open her packages of new clothes while Ed opened his with dread. For many years he had been perfectly comfortable in his well-worn blue jeans, flannel shirts, and running shoes, and he saw no reason to ever change.

  He was greatly relieved to discover not a tuxedo but leisure wear in the packages, in sizes that fit him perfectly. The dull-gray colored slacks were comfortable and featured sufficient pockets to be practical. The gray and tan long-sleeved shirt felt cool and soft and had a pocket. The dark gray sweater-vest looked sharp, and had big useful pockets also. The darker suitcoat was so light that he barely noticed it after he put it on. Pretty much everything fit comfortably, had pockets, and was soothingly dull from a fashion viewpoint. Plus it hadn't cost him a penny. The new duds were therefore OK with Ed. They still weren't as good as jeans and flannel shirts, but they would do.

  Thank God the vest buttoned up the front and wasn't a pull-over; Ed hated pull-over sweaters. He was able to leave on his comfortable Stone-Coat underwear, which was made partly of soft woven nanotube fibers that wicked away sweat and was mosquito and bullet-proof. The new shoes were of heavy black fabric and featured comfortably soft soles.

  Mary picked out a spiffy navy-blue pants-suit outfit and was grinning at herself in a full-length mirror when Doll returned with transformed Snake in tow. "I don't look like a fearsome dictator anymore!" The big biker complained. "I look like some kind of weekend want-a-be banker-biker. These clothes wouldn't protect anyone from even a minor spill from a bike, let along bullets. Doll of course looks utterly fantastic but none of this stuff is at all practical."

  Indeed, Snake's outfit was somewhat similar to Ed's, although the vest had the appearance of leather, and like Doll's, concealed several weapons. His mustache, beard and shaggy head-hair had also been significantly trimmed and tamed, Ed noticed. "You look fine," Ed told him. "There is still plenty of macho dictator showing through, that's for sure. Just be thankful that this shindig is happening on the west coast, where things are less formal, or we'd both be wearing ancient looking tuxedos. I don't know what to say about lack of biker scrape protection though. Just don't fall off your Harley."

  "We're all going in Mara's State limo," announced Doll.

  Snake gawked at her like she had gone mad.

  "Mack and the CHiPs will be watching over our bikes for the next day or two until we leave the Silicon Valley area," Doll explained.

  Snake made a snarling sound but didn't say anything except to several times under his breath remark "this is fucked up!"

  The four clothing-transformed travelers met Mara in the lobby. "You guys look more like Californians now!" she exclaimed with a grin. "I'm happy for you!"

  "We do clean up pretty good," agreed Ed.

  "We look like hippies gone yuppie tourist," complained Snake, but he followed Mara's lead outside and towards the waiting big black limo, while a couple of dozen CHiPs constrained news-people followed their every move and shouted stupid questions at them.

  "Did your airplane crash-land?" asked someone. "How long are you staying?" another asked. "Why did you come here?" asked still another. "Give us a smile," several demanded, but Snake in return growled at them, which they seemed to rather enjoy. "Is there going to be more war?" asked another. "How many Northern Californians have you personally killed in hand-to hand combat, Snake?" one dared to ask.

  "Always room for one more," Snake growled back. He put one hand on his hunting knife but Doll managed to constrain him.

  "All your questions will be answered shortly at the reception," Mara announced to placate the reporters, as the travelers piled into the waiting retro black stretch-SUV limo. Wheels folded himself down to storage size and was placed next to Mary while the human travelers settled into comfortable bucket seats in the semi-darkness.

  Thankfully the CHiP-escorted ride to Stanford was both uneventful and short. Snake was clearly not happy to be enclosed in a CHiP-chauffeured vehicle surrounded by CHiP motorcycles and Ed was feeling nervous about the upcoming VIP event. Mara calmed them
with trivia, describing what buildings they were driving past. Many were corporate headquarters for well-known high-tech firms. Despite political and economic turmoil, Silicon Valley remained one of the world's thriving high-tech centers. Long a center for developing commercial technology, it was now also the lead center for developing Space Program technology.

  After less than half an hour of driving they pulled through ornate gates and up to a large brightly lit new looking building. "This is the new Stanford convention center and lecture hall where you'll be speaking tomorrow," Mara explained. "Dinner has been catered in but the guests expected to eat earlier. I'm afraid there will be time for only very brief statements from everyone."

  "Now ain't that a damn shame!" said Snake. "Crap!" was his predictable next statement, as the group was escorted into a huge convention hall where thousands of people sat at ornately decorated tables that were conspicuously free from food. They must all be talking to each other, Ed supposed, as the noise level has absurd. The telepathic noise level was similarly annoyingly high, as dozens of individuals exhibited trace levels of telepathy and dozens also hosted med-ticks that were jabbering with nearby jant colonies.

  The noise level abated when over an almost painfully loud intercom system Governor Flanders announced the arrival of the travelers. Ed and Mary were introduced first as the famous Tribe Chief from Giant's Rest Mountain and his mother, travel weary but happily rescued from the wilds of the South. The crowd rose from their tables to cheer as Ed and Mary were escorted to the immediate left of the Governor at the head-table, and there was a storm of camera flashes as the smiling Governor shook Ed's hand.

  "And we also welcome as our very special guests their fearless rescuers!" Flanders announced. "The co-leader of the desert Confederacy to our south that resists Mexican encroachment, the legendary War Brother Snake Williams, and the lovely but deadly Warrior Princess that fights fiercely by his side, China Doll!" There was thunderous applause and a blinding display of camera flashes as Snake and Doll heartily shook hands with their grinning host and they were shown to their seats to his immediate right. True, the Rumsfelds were world famous curiosities, but to Californians Snake and Doll were notorious local living legends!

  "A few words, Chief Ed?" said the Governor as he shoved the microphone into his hands.

  "A very few," said Ed. Ed hated public speaking. "We want to thank all of you for this warm reception, and in particular Mary and I want to thank our rescuers Snake and Doll, as well as the great Governor of this great state of California, Governor Paul Flanders!" During the polite applause he handed the microphone back to Flanders, who immediately passed it to Snake. As Ed sat down he decided to simply ignore everyone except the people at his table. There seemed to be fewer annoying on-lookers that way.

  "Thank you ladies and gentlemen for this warm reception," began Snake. "After being alerted by your ever vigilant Governor it became our great pleasure to assist Ed and Mary. I will also take this occasion to announce that thanks to the incredible efforts of the Governor a new era of increased cooperation between Northern and Southern California is dawning. I hope to soon be known as the Peace Brother!"

  Muted laughter rippled through the crowd.

  "Tomorrow we'll all make more extensive statements and answer questions," Snake continued. "Tonight let's all get to eating and drinking!"

  To thunderous applause Snake sat down and a huge army of waiters and waitresses began carrying big treys of food and drink to the tables. If the travelers thought they were going to immediately be left alone however, they were soon disappointed, as a crowd of people made its way to the front table to be individually introduced to them. There were endless numbers of City and State office holders and several Federal congressional representatives, plus scores of rich business leaders and technologists.

  Ed was startled to suddenly find himself shaking the big sweaty hand of USA Senator Dug Hagfeld. "Small world, isn't it Rumsfeld," the Senator rumbled.

  "Too small," Ed replied. "I notice that you've made amends with the jants." The med-tick to jant jabbering coming from the senator was unmistakable. The Senator hosted a med-tick! Ed didn't sense hate or fear from the senator this time, only calm confidence.

  "New supporters are always welcome," said Hagfeld. "I may have been mistaken about the jants but I'm not mistaken about you. I'll deal with you soon."

  Ed wondered what the hell the Senator meant by that as the big man again disappeared into the crowd. Had he just been threatened by Hagfeld?

  The next person waiting to meet him was even more worrisome. She was as tall as Snake but thin, much younger, and far meaner looking, with over-sized head, eyes that bore into the brain, and hawkish, crooked nose. Despite wearing an elegant black gown she reminded Ed of a praying mantis, or perhaps a cobra. The jant chatter that surrounded her was overwhelmingly strong. "I AM LORNA RIPPA," she announced both silently and aloud. Her telepathic voice seemed to be a combination of human and jant, and the strongest Ed ever encountered.

  "OF COURSE YOU ARE," he replied in kind, as he shook her cold hand. He couldn't tell if she was alive or dead. "THE WICKED WITCH OF THE NORTH!"

  "Your dress is stunning," noted Mary. "Thank you for coming to meet us."

  In response Lorna laughed, or rather she cackled as she stared into Ed's eyes. "So you style yourself to be some sort of jant expert? How perfectly absurd! You are a joke!"

  "Nice meeting you too!" Ed replied. "Maybe we could compare notes sometime about our mutual friend Scar."

  In response she again laughed and spun towards the Governor, who was watching from the adjacent table. "I'll defeat you one way or another," she told the State leader, then spun away and disappeared into the crowd.

  "Holly crap," was all that Ed could think to say. His anxieties melted away however, when another familiar person was soon shaking his hand. "Clinton Farnworth!" Ed sputtered. "What the hell are you doing here?"

  "I heard of your troubles and had to jet out here to see for myself," said the smiling British envoy.

  "It's very good to see a friendly face from home!" said Mary.

  "The Tribe sends their love," said Clinton. "Good show that you got this far."

  "So far so good," agreed Ed. "Not quite as private and restful a vacation as we'd like but then you can't have everything." The army of waiters and waitresses at last started to bring food to the head table. Each main plate included huge steaming helpings of seafood and vegetables, Ed noticed. Ed hadn't eaten shrimp, scallops, and crab in years. The entire crowd was turning their attention to eating.

  "Is there anything I can do to assist you?" asked Clinton. "I do have some political and business contacts here in California."

  "Can't think of anything," said Ed. "We're mostly out here to just see the sights. Thanks, though."

  "I'll perhaps see you folks again soon," Clinton said, as he made his way to a nearby table that was being set with food. Strangely enough it was the table also occupied by Hagfeld and Rippa, Ed noticed. They even smiled when greeting each other. Strange bedfellows, Ed thought, but then Clinton always seemed to get on well with everyone, including even the hateful Hagfelds and bat-crazy Rippas of the world.

  "Good job with your little speech!" Governor Flanders confided to Ed. "You managed to say almost nothing."

  "I'm really good at that," Ed boasted. "Maybe I should be a politician."

  "Snake was wonderful," said Mary.

  "Snake was superlative," agreed Flanders.

  "It helped that we were late," said Snake. "These people just want to eat, have some drinks, and get the hell out of here. Except now we'll have to spin something about the new era of cooperation between us that we've both mentioned. I'm not quite sure myself what I meant when I said that but I'm sure that Mara and Ken will help us come up with something concrete and really good."

  "Undoubtedly," agreed the Governor. "They always do."

  "And they make a nice looking couple." added Mary, as she shot a glance to a near
by table where Mara and Ken sat next to each other while talking with several local mayors and news people.