by T. S. Joyce
“What the hell?” Panicked, she pushed her way through the door and locked her legs in the entryway. She stared dumbfoundedly at one very sexy, but very confusing, man in front of her. Jathan was all white T-shirt, bulging muscles, and…safety goggles? He was also currently cutting a chunk out of her wall—the part with the countdown marks.
“What are you doing?” she yelled over the noise.
“Erasing this fucking reminder. Did you get ice cream sandwiches?”
“What? Why would I get ice cream sandwiches?”
“Because they’re delicious.”
Sawdust was flying everywhere, all over the floor, all over her bed that she’d actually made today. She’d just swept the whole treehouse. “Jathan, you ridiculous Neanderthal! I just cleaned this place!”
The perfect square of the tally marks fell onto the floor with a clump. “It looks great in here,” he said, turning off the chainsaw.
She offered him a slow blink.
“I brought matches and gasoline. You wanna set a fire?” he asked, shoving the safety glasses up on his head.
“Why?”
“Why do you keep asking why? Fires are awesome.”
“Well…” She looked around at the mess. “I was going to cook dinner but I guess we can…set…fires?”
“Wait,” he said, tucking his chin to his chest and giving her a sexy come-hither look. “You can cook?”
Lynn snorted. “I used to. I have to remember how to do it. Greyson and Barret were feeding me frozen bean burritos and peanut butter sandwiches for the last year. I want spaghetti. I texted you.” She got suddenly shy and made her way to the kitchen to unload her arms. Clearing her throat, she tried again. “I texted to see if you wanted to eat here. You know…for our next date.”
Jathan’s dark eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline, and his eyes danced with amusement. “Are you asking me out?”
“Yes.” Her cheeks were on fire so she ducked her gaze to hide the blush.
“That’s very forward of you, Lynn. I mean, we’ve only had sex one time. Asking me out is a big deal.”
“You’re being a turd.”
“False, turds can’t set fires.” Jathan left the chainsaw in a pile of sawdust and approached her quick. He lifted her up in the air so she was looking down at him. The light from the kitchen window made his brown eyes look lighter.
“What are we burning?” she asked softly, brushing her fingertips down his beard.
“That countdown. Your past. Burn it all—we’re starting over. How many times did you Change today?”
Lynn sighed because she didn’t want him to be disappointed in her. “Twice.”
“On purpose?”
“Grr, I don’t want to talk about this. I want to make spaghetti and fuck against the wall.”
Jathan chuckled. “All right, you little boner fairy, stop. Tell me the bad stuff first so we can get to the fun stuff.”
Lynn snarled up her lip, but she could see he wasn’t going to let her off the hook. “I Changed, but not on purpose. Monster is still Monster.”
“Disagree. Two times is better than the fifteen a day you were doing last week. Did you find someone to fight?”
She shook her head. “I just shredded some trees and pissed in Clinton’s yard. Twice.”
“Good. You’re doing better and so is Monster. How many times did you check out?”
“Jathan,” she whispered, pleading.
The smile fell from his face. “How many?” he asked in a harder tone.
“Four. It was an emotional day.”
“How so?”
“I saw you on your lunch break.”
“You saw me—?”
She could practically see the lightbulb go off over his head.
“Oooh,” he drawled out. “You saw her? You saw Amberlynn today?”
Her chest was too tight, so she inhaled deeply to try to loosen it. “All the disappearing and Changes happened after I left my parents’ house.”
Jathan slid her down him until she was steady on her feet. “And?”
“I saw you hold her.” She was too chicken to look in his eyes right now, so she smiled at his chest instead. “And then I held her.”
“I’m so damn proud of you right now.” Jathan’s voice shook slightly. “You did that on your own. And look at this.” He lifted her hand. “Bright pink nails?”
“I felt adventurous. I got a manicure and pedicure and I drank one glass of wine. And then I got this coffee with chocolate in it because I was so tired after the big day, which made me feel all crazy, so then I went grocery shopping and bought everything because I was hungry but I didn’t get any ice cream sandwiches. I bought candy bars to put in the freezer instead. I like to eat them frozen.”
“I’ve never tried that. Okay, date-night here. Setting fire to your countdown. Pasta. Definitely fucking against a wall…and maybe over there in that chair, also on the kitchen table, in that pile of sawdust… And frozen candy bars.”
Before she could chicken out and change her mind, she blurted, “And tomorrow I’ll go home.”
Jathan flinched back like she’d pushed him. “What do you mean you’ll go home?”
“Back to Red Havoc. Back to my crew. I owe Barret an apology. A big one. And I need to go back and be with my people.”
“Your people.”
She nodded. “I have no crew here. I think I need Red Havoc to finish getting better.”
Jathan took a few steps back and huffed a humorless laugh as he scratched his earlobe in an irritated gesture. “You have no crew here? You have me, Lynn.” He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt to expose the healed bite mark on his bicep. “What am I supposed to do?”
“No, you don’t understand.” She had a letter. She’d written it for him. In the parking lot of the grocery store, she’d sat in the car she’d borrowed from her parents and poured her heart out into a letter that would explain everything way better than she could do with words.
“Fuck, Lynn. You’re leaving? There’s war waiting for you in Red Havoc, and you’ll go without me. Just leave me here to what? Go back to logging? Go back to being alone? Go back to my fucking nothing life that I thought was so great and so perfect before you came along and ruined that? We’re bonded! You can’t just go anymore!” His fists were clenched, and red was creeping up his neck.
“I’ll fix it, I’ll fix it, just…” Her vision was getting dark at the edges, and a snarl bubbled out of her throat. Fuck. “No, no, no, everything will be okay.” Where the fuck was the letter? She rifled through the bags desperately.
“I don’t want you to go without me. I put everything into making you live, and now you’ll just go? And live without me? I was fucked up too! I am fucked up. No one gets me but you. You’re really leaving? You’re really leaving.” His voice dipped low and panicked. “Oh my God, you’re really leaving.” Jathan ran his hands through his hair and strode toward the door.
“Jath—!” She choked on his name as her hand rested on the letter, sitting on top of a package of diapers she was going to drop by her parents in the morning when she said goodbye. Her hands clenched as the door slammed closed…
Blink. Time was lost.
****
God, he was so pissed. No, not pissed. This was something more. This was something Jathan didn’t understand.
It was fear.
“Fuck!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
He couldn’t leave her like this, not in an argument. He needed to calm down and understand why she didn’t want him.
Gripping the railing of the staircase, he heaved breath and glared at the dandelions in the front yard, trying to get his bear under control. He’d left so he wouldn’t have an uncontrolled Change in her treehouse, but he couldn’t give himself to the bear right now. He had to fix whatever got broken between them because, goddammit, he loved her. He loved her. All of her flaws were so fucking beautiful to him. She was perfect. Perfectly broken to fit him. He didn’t have to pre
tend to be normal with her. Her damage matched his. She didn’t even blink at his faults. He couldn’t just rampage out of here and go grizzly, looking for a fight. His fight needed to be for her right now.
With a snarl, he squeezed his eyes closed against the blinding sunlight and the pounding headache forming behind his eyes. Come on, Monster. Let me keep this skin a while longer so I can get her back.
He clenched his fists to stop the trembling, then turned and made his way back up the stairs. But when he went back inside, Lynn wasn’t there. “Lynn?” He scanned the small space, but he didn’t hear anything or see her anywhere.
Baffled, he made his way into the kitchen, and there she was on the floor. “Shit. Lynn?” He pulled her head into his lap, but she was just staring vacantly at the cabinets. In her hand was a folded piece of paper. Her fingers covered most of the writing on the outside, but he could see the last four letters. Than. His name was on there.
Cradling her body in his lap, he plucked the letter from her fingertips and opened it up.
Dear Jathan,
I saw you hold my baby today. It was one of my most favorite moments of my whole life. I went to my parents because it was something I needed to do alone. You’ve gotten me as far as you can. Let me explain. I don’t want all my strength to come from our bond or from you. I need some of that strength to come from inside of me, so I never fall again. I’m ready to make changes and excited about the future…with you. Give me a week with Red Havoc to make my apologies and put in some work. Work on me. Because you deserve a mate who is whole and strong. I look up to you. You are steady, even though I can see your fight with your animal. You are so motivating. You got me here, Jathan. You got me fighting. Now I need a minute to finish this fight. One week, and then I’m going to call you, and I’m going to beg you to come to Red Havoc territory. I’m going to be selfish and ask you to leave your job here, your crew, your life here, and pledge to a panther shifter alpha. Greyson is good to his bones, like you are. I’m going to justify it by telling myself your brother is in my crew, and you’ll he happier there with me and him. I’ve told my parents three months, and I’ll be ready to bring Amberlynn home to Red Havoc. You are my mate, Jathan. Maybe you always were. Maybe something deep inside of me told me that when we kissed at that party all those years ago. And maybe all that bad stuff happened because we needed to end up here, in this moment, fighting for each other, fighting with each other, back to back, just me and you against the world. Today, I Changed right after I left Amberlynn, and Monster wanted to fight you. You. I couldn’t get that out of my head. It scared me.
“Jesus,” Jathan murmured, stroking Lynn’s hair. That was one side of Beaston’s vision. That she would fight him, and Jathan would be the one to end her. They had to stay far, far away from that scenario. If her growth was capped here, then she was making the right decision. God, it hurt to think about her leaving him, but at least she was giving him a time limit. She was going to ask him to come along. She wasn’t leaving, not really. She was being strong.
Scrubbing his hand down his beard, he continued.
For a second, I wanted to run from you. Not because I was scared you would hurt me, but because I was afraid of hurting you. But I’m not running. That’s not what this is. I’m going to make you a big dinner and have a perfect night with you. And then I’m going to pack my things and go back to the Appalachian Mountains and do work on myself that will make you proud.
I know we haven’t said the L word yet, and I’m kind of scared to tell anyone this again, but you’re different. You earned my trust. So I’ll be brave, because you deserve a brave mate. I told you that love is fire. That love will burn you to the ground, and for a while, I truly believed that. But you’ve taught me that while all love is fire, only some of it will burn you to the ground. You’ll keep me from burning, and I’ll do the same for you.
I love you.
-Lynn
Chapter Thirteen
Lynn eased her eyes open, but the room was as dark as it had been behind her eyelids. Where was she? The scent of sawdust, her sheets, and Jathan eased her confusion. His hand was resting on her waist, big and strong and warm. And then she remembered the fight. She’d disappeared.
“Are you back?” he asked in a sleep-filled, rumbling voice.
“How long was I gone?”
The mattress sank behind her and the sheets ripped off her legs as he rolled over to check the alarm clock. “Six hours. That was a long one.”
“At least I didn’t Change and try to murder people. Bright side.”
Jathan chuckled, slid his hand back over her waist, and pulled her against his chest. He plucked at the back of her neck with little, biting kisses. “I packed your things,” he murmured against her skin. “I didn’t understand, but I read your letter. And I think you’re right. You went from being dependent on your parents, to dependent on Brody, to dependent on Greyson and Barret, to depending on me. As much as I don’t want you to go, I understand why you have to.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Shhh. I’m not mad. I’m proud of you.” He rolled his hips against her, and his erection pressed against her spine, causing her to arch back on instinct. “You’re so fucking sexy when I see that fight in you, Lynn. When I see you pushing to be better.” Another roll of his hips. “Badass looks good on you.”
A purr rattled up her throat as she reached behind her and clutched onto his bare thigh. “Wait.” She frowned. “Am I naked?”
“You’re welcome. It’s hot as fuck in here. I don’t know how you sleep with any clothes on.”
She giggled and wiggled back closer to him. “So, you didn’t undress me while I was checked out because you’re a perv?”
“Well yeah, I’m a perv too, but mostly it was for un-selfish reasons. You need central air, or at least a damn window unit. Sleeping with the window open isn’t cutting it, and there’s this single damn mosquito that’s been buzzing around my head all night. It took all my inner strength not to take you to my trailer so it doesn’t feel like I’m sleeping in a bonfire, but me dragging your limp body around the trailer park would look suspicious. Plus, I’ve seen you naked like four thousand times this month. You Changed so much, you are basically a nudist. Also, I didn’t figure you would mind me undressing you on account of me putting my pecker in you yesterday.”
She gave a belly laugh as he pressed his lips to her neck again. His hands were gentle, then rough, gentle, then rough. Soft touches on her hips, her breasts, her belly, and then a hard grip on one hip, and he slammed his body against hers. His touch trailed fire across her skin. Up her ribs to her breasts where he cupped and squeezed as he pulled her against him even harder.
What was he waiting for? She was ready right now, but time and time again, he got rough on her skin, then eased back and touched her soft again. She bowed her back, pleading silently, but he didn’t push into her. “Jathan, please.”
“Impatient,” he accused, and then clamped his teeth on the back of her neck like he was punishing her. This was a punishment she could get on board with, though. She froze and moaned as he bit down harder. Rough, dominant man. Did he even realize how much control he had over Monster? She was writhing inside of Lynn. In her mind’s eye, Monster was rubbing against her mate’s leg. He was making her completely devoted with a touch. Good Bear.
Rough, soft…rough, soft.
She lifted one leg and eased her ankle back over his knee, spreading her legs for him. He eased back just a little, and when he rocked his hips against her this time, the head of his cock was right there, swollen, pushing into her easy because she was so ready.
Jathan pulled out, but she chased him. “Deeper,” she whispered.
A soft growl rattled through his chest and vibrated against her back. He slid his hand around her hip, down her leg, to her inner thigh and yanked her legs open wider with a firm grasp, his fingers digging in. And then he reared back and slammed into her so deep she gasped. Reaching back behind her, she gr
ipped his neck as he pounded into her again. Teeth on her skin. Teeth, teeth. She rolled her eyes closed and moved with him. His hand slid from her inner thigh to her sex where he cupped her as he thrust into her again. The pleasure built so fast. She was getting close. He’d worked her up so high, she was toeing the edge of release, unable to find a single word to warn him that she was already there.
As if he knew, he rolled her over until her chest was on the bed, her arms curled under her, her ass in the air. And then he bucked into her deep, hard, again and again, fast where before he’d been going too slow. His fist hit the bed next to her shoulder, and he snarled as he worked them both to that that moment of utter exhilaration. Utter release. She let go, offered her control to him, closed her eyes to the world, and let him shatter her body. Owned. He owned her body, and how beautiful that, after everything, she had the capability to trust someone like this again.
Faster and faster, he bucked into her until she was there, screaming his name. Her body clenched around him, and he drove deep pulsing heat into her as he gritted out a guttural, sexy sound. “Mine,” he snarled.
“Yours,” she said breathlessly. Always.
Jathan slowed, but Lynn kept her focus on the throbbing warmth between them. On where they were connected. On where he was drawing every single aftershock from her until she was spent and exhausted and full of him. The strange sensation in her chest was back, but it wasn’t painful.
Jathan eased out of her and turned her over gently, as if coveting her. He intertwined his fingers with hers and pressed her hands into the mattress above her head. As he eased into the space between her legs, he searched her face with the softest expression. Even in the dark, she could see his eyes were still brown. Maybe she settled his animal like he settled hers. Slowly, he leaned down and hesitated, his lips only an inch from hers. God, she loved him. Loved this. She tilted her chin up and pressed her mouth to his. He slid his tongue past her lips and took his time with each stroke into her mouth. Lynn could almost taste his devotion. Big, tatted-up, mountain of a grizzly shifter, and he went gentle and considerate with her. Only her.
