Library of Absolution

by Jennifer Derrick

  "Besides, a Book Mesmer must read the books she enchants. I cannot draw anything I like on the pages; the drawing must relate to the book in some way. Who is going to read books to me so I can work?"

  Alarick remained silent and she barreled on.

  "You have a good heart, Master Brandon, but you ask the impossible. You want me to be a Book Mesmer, but everything that made me one is gone. Including the ability to find new books to protect. Your library is done. Without sight, I cannot travel to find more books. And you've already explained why you will not seek additional books. And you're correct," she added before he could argue. "It is too dangerous. No, my work is done. My life is over."

  "Elissa, I—" he began, wanting to offer hope, reassurance… Something. Anything to fill the black void opening up inside her soul.

  "No," she cut him off. "I appreciate the thought, but you will need to find someone else to practice your self-improvement upon. I cannot be your savior."

  She pushed away from the desk and extended her hand.

  "Please take me back to my room," she said. "Candace will be by soon to get me ready for bed."

  Alarick sighed. It was only afternoon and she was preparing for bed. She'd already given up on life.

  "Please," Elissa said again. "Don't make me beg."

  Alarick took her hand and tucked it through his elbow. He did as she asked and took her to her room. They said nothing to each other until he had opened her door and assisted her to her bed where she sat down. He turned to go, but at the door turned back to face her.

  "You said you can't be my savior," he whispered. "But we can save each other."

  When she said nothing in response, he pulled the door closed behind him and retired to his own rooms.

  10

  A few weeks passed and Alarick didn't see much of Elissa in that time. She came to meals occasionally, sitting in the company of Candace and her husband when she did. She ate her food quickly and never once looked his way before bolting from the dining hall the second she finished eating.

  Alarick frequently checked the library, but Elissa was never there. If she was spending any time there, he could find no evidence of it. The new materials on her desk began collecting dust. Her wand bore no colorful fingerprints and he began to despair that it ever would.

  He saw her outside twice, walking with Candace, but the weather was turning colder and damper, giving everyone less time outdoors. As far as he could tell, Elissa was staying shut inside her room unless forced out.

  The castle was cozy, at least. Margaret's group had seen to that. They'd scoured out every fireplace in the Keep, including those that hadn't been used for decades. Every morning they went from room to room, flicking their wands and lighting merry little fires throughout the castle. They'd also brought in more rugs to cover the cold floors and done a fine job of cleaning the tapestries and artwork and installing more torches throughout the castle. Everything gleamed. The castle finally felt like a home.

  To keep busy, Alarick worked on peregrinating. He worked with Margaret when he could, and on his own when she wasn't available. He'd managed to make it to the remains of a nearby village once. He'd also ended up drenched and frozen when he accidentally peregrinated into the catch pool at the bottom of the waterfall behind the Keep. The progress was encouraging. The fact that he could do it at all meant he would probably master it in time. But Alarick wanted — no, needed — to master the skill quickly.

  He clung to it as the only lifeline he might be able to offer Elissa. If he could get more books, or even take her with him on a book quest, it might make all the difference in her willingness to return to the land of the living. Until then he needed other options. Alarick was acutely aware that he was losing her. Worse, he was powerless to stop her slipping away from him. Every idea he had seemed weak and useless in the face of her growing despondency.

  Alarick was willing to give Elissa some time, but he wasn't going to indefinitely postpone her return to some sort of normalcy. The longer she stayed in her room, the more difficult it would become to rejoin the world.

  Unwilling to be a complete asshole and drag her out of her room by brute force, at least at first, he decided to enlist Candace's help. Alarick felt Elissa might take advice and direction from Candace a bit better than she would from him.

  He cornered Candace in the hallway one evening as she and her husband were returning to their room after dinner.

  "May I speak to you?" he asked her.

  Her husband excused himself and continued to their room. Alarick led Candace further down the hall to an empty room and guided her inside, shutting the door behind them. He gestured her to have a seat on an old stool and he leaned against the wall, hands thrust deep in his coat pockets.

  "I know you and Miss Stone are friends," he began and Candace nodded. "And I won't ask you to betray her trust, but I need to know. How is she?"

  "She's… Okay," Candace said after a little thought. "Physically she's fine other than the blindness. Even that shows some signs of improvement. She says she can see a bit of light. No shapes or anything, but things are a bit brighter than the absolute blackness she began with."

  "That's encouraging," Alarick said.

  "It is, but it may not amount to much. This may be all the progress she makes. There's no way to know."

  "How is she otherwise? I no longer see her around the castle. I hate that she's shut herself in her room," Alarick said. "Especially now that things are becoming livelier around here. She should partake of the fun."

  "I try to get her out, and she will go with me sometimes. But much of the time she prefers to be in her room. She's angry. Angry might not even be the word. Furious? No. Seething might be closer."

  "She has a right to be."

  "But she's directing it at herself. She blames herself for what happened, and she can't see that the Ministry is at fault. Her anger is becoming self-hatred and she's spiraling downward. If she's not blaming herself, she's blaming you," Candace said and then looked horrified at her confession.

  "Ah. So, I take it she told you the entire reason why she left? That she left because she knew I'd hurt her eventually?"

  Candace nodded, clearly afraid to say more.

  "It's okay," Alarick said. "I'd be surprised if she didn't blame me."

  "I'd never tell anyone your business, sir," Candace said. "I haven't even told my husband."

  Alarick shrugged. "Thank you for that, although I suspect most people who've been here any length of time know some version of my sordid past and why I am difficult, even if they are kind enough to keep quiet about it."

  They were silent for a moment.

  "Let me ask you this," Alarick began. "What do you think is the best way to help her? I know time is a great healer, but I also know that too much time deadens the desire to rejoin life. I don't want to lose her."

  Candace looked at him sharply.

  "You don't want to lose her," she repeated softly.

  "I don't want the love she had for life lost to bitterness and rage," he corrected himself.

  "Ah," Candace said, "That. It's not personal, is it?"

  Alarick sighed. "I could lie and say of course not, but it's just you and me here and I trust you. So yes, it's personal."

  "Do you have feelings for Elissa?"

  "Of friendship? Absolutely. Or at least I was hopeful."

  "More than that?"

  Alarick shrugged but said nothing. Candace waited him out, though, gazing at him with her cool blue eyes until he felt like she was freezing him to the spot.

  "I wanted the opportunity to find out," he finally admitted. "And I haven't wanted that for seventeen years."

  She nodded as though this confirmed something she'd long suspected.

  "Then to answer your question, I don't know the best way to help her. I've tried everything I know to get her to reengage with the community. I've dragged her on walks and to a couple of Margaret's activities. She's done no more than show up and politely be
g to go back to her room after a few minutes."

  "What about books?" Alarick asked.

  "I've tried reading to her, but she doesn't want me to. She either ignores me, or tells me to hush," Candace said. "And before you ask, yes, I've tried to interest her in the paints and equipment you put in her scriptorium, but she won't even try. She won't even touch that beautiful wand. Just says she'd destroy something if she tried."

  "She won't take any assistance from me, I'm certain," Alarick said. "Not as angry as she is with me."

  "That's the funny thing," Candace said. "I almost think she might."

  "What?" Alarick asked, dumbfounded as to why Elissa would have any interest in anything he might have to say.

  "You're a man," Candace began, "So I'm going to share a little secret about women with you. We don't always make sense."

  Alarick laughed. "That's not a secret. A mystery, certainly, but not a secret."

  "Well, here's what I know about women. Sometimes we respond best to the truth. You might start there," she said, rising from the stool and walking toward the door.

  "You don't have anything easier?" Alarick called after her.

  " 'Fraid not," she said. "But you'll live through it."

  "So you think," he muttered as she pulled the door closed behind her, leaving him alone in the room with his thoughts.

  Alarick postponed dealing with the truth for two more days. Finally, though, Candace cornered him and told him that Elissa was refusing to leave her room at all. No amount of cajoling from Candace could get her out. Candace was bringing food to her room, but too often the trays were untouched.

  "It's worse than that, Master Brandon," Candace said meeting him in the hallway one afternoon. "She's talking about leaving the Keep altogether."

  "But she's blind. Where would she go? And how would she get there?" Alarick asked.

  Candace shrugged. "She won't say. She just keeps repeating that she shouldn't be here, that you should have let the Ministry kill her. She feels like a leech on your hospitality. I fear she's contemplating suicide. If you have anything to say to her, I suggest you do it soon."

  With Elissa's life at stake, Alarick could no longer afford to indulge his fear. It took all of his courage, but the next afternoon he found himself standing outside Elissa's door. He knocked. After a while, the door inched open and Elissa's pale face appeared in the crack. Her hair floated in a cloud around her face as though she hadn’t brushed it today.

  "Yes?" she asked.

  "It's Alarick," he said.

  She started to close the door, but he stuck his booted foot in the crack.

  "Please. May I speak with you for just a moment?" he asked.

  She sighed as though his presence was a huge imposition, but she opened the door wider. He took advantage of the opportunity and pressed for more.

  "I was hoping we could walk outside for a while. It's a fine day and likely to be one of the last for a while. Will you walk with me?" he asked.

  "Oh, all right," she sighed. "Give me a minute."

  She closed the door again and Alarick leaned against the wall to wait. When she reemerged, she'd changed into her green dress and subdued her hair into a knot at the base of her neck. It was alarming how much more weight she'd lost. The dress, which fit nicely a few weeks ago, now hung off her tiny frame.

  Alarick tucked her hand into the crook of his arm and led her down the steps and out into the castle grounds. As they walked, he felt every bone in her arm. It was like holding a bird's wing. He was afraid of applying any pressure lest he break her.

  Outside, the sunshine was weak but there was warmth in the air, a last gasp of late autumn before winter settled in to stay. Elissa turned her face toward the sun, taking in whatever warmth it could offer.

  "What is it you wished to talk about?" she asked.

  "First, I wanted to ask how you are. I haven't seen you lately and wondered if there was anything you want or need."

  "No, thank you. I'm fine," she said.

  "All right," Alarick said briskly, sensing that small talk was a conversational dead end. It was time to press her, even if it meant being an asshole.

  "Then let me ask you something," he continued. "Why have you so thoroughly abandoned the library and your calling as a Book Mesmer? And don't deny it. Candace tells me you won't even let her read to you."

  "Oh, so Candace has been blabbing about me, has she?" Elissa asked, temper flaring.

  "Only because I ordered her to," he said, taking the blame onto his shoulders rather than allowing Elissa to remain angry with her only friend.

  "And why would you do that. My life is none of your business," she said.

  "You live under my roof, you're my business. Just like anyone else who lives here. Your welfare is my concern."

  She laughed at that. "I think we've established that you're a pretty lousy caretaker."

  "You're not wrong," he said, refusing to rise to her anger. "But I told you I want to do better. And so I am. Part of that includes taking an active interest in my residents’ lives."

  "Well, I'm fine," she said.

  "And," Alarick continued as if she hadn't spoken, "Making certain they pull their weight around the Keep and use their abilities for the common good. I've allowed you to shirk your work because you were hurt. Healing takes time and I understand that.

  "But you're able to work now, so the time for loafing is over. You have two choices: You can get back in the library and do what your talent allows you to do, or you can work in the kitchens. It doesn't matter to me. But everyone here works. You may be blind, but you are able."

  "You, you—" she sputtered.

  "Bastard? Asshole?" he asked. "Either is apropos, I think. Neither offends me because I know I'm both. If you want to hurt me, you're going to have to come up with something original."

  "Motherfucker," she muttered.

  "You're getting there," he replied.

  Elissa tried to tug her hand from his arm but Alarick held fast. "You're not going anywhere. If you ran off right now, you'd probably run right off the cliff. You want to run away, fine, but not until we're back inside. And I haven't finished enjoying our walk."

  "Running off the cliff wouldn't be such a bad option," she muttered. "I've thought about it."

  There it was. The admission he'd feared. Alarick spun her to face him and gripped both her arms in his hands. Frightened by her thoughts, that Candace's suspicion of suicide had been correct, he shook her a little in his terror. She twisted in his grip, trying to free herself, but he refused to let go.

  "Don't you talk like that. Don't ever. You may be blind and I'm sorry for it. Sorrier than you know. But death isn't an option. Not for you. If you give in to death, the Ministry wins, and I lose. I refuse to lose."

  Elissa stopped trying to get away from him, and Alarick pulled her into his embrace. At first she resisted, remaining rigid in his arms. He kept a firm hold. Eventually her body relaxed into his, her arms wrapped around his waist, and she broke down into sobs.

  Alarick held her close and smoothed her hair. She rested her cheek on his breast and he simply held on tight while the sobs wracked her body.

  "I know," he whispered. "I know. Let it out."

  After what seemed like hours, the sobs eased and she pushed back from Alarick.

  "I'm sorry," she said, turning away from him and wiping her eyes.

  He turned her to face him and pressed his handkerchief into her hand.

  "Don't be. It has to come out somewhere. All that anger can't stay in there forever. Better it comes out around me than people who would pity you for it."

  She sniffled. "True. At least you don't know the meaning of the word pity."

  "Only because I've felt enough of it to last a lifetime and have managed to excise it from my vocabulary."

  He tucked her hand into his arm once again and began to walk her back toward the castle.

  "Done with your walk now?" she asked.

  "This part of it."

/>   They walked in silence into the castle and Alarick guided her up the stairs and into the library.

  "I don't want to be here," she said as soon as she smelled the familiar musty smell of the books. She tried to pull away from him.

  "Because you no longer love the work, or because you're afraid?" he asked.

  She said nothing. He towed her further into the library and toward the scriptorium.

  "If you can honestly say you no longer want to be a Book Mesmer, I'll take you down to the kitchens or out to the shop and let you do whatever work suits you best. But if you want to be a Book Mesmer, this is where you belong. Not shut up in your room, hiding from the thing you love."

  "You don't understand," she began. "I can't do this anymore. None of it."

  "And I've told you exactly how you still can," he said. "I've promised to help you. All you have to do is accept my help. I'll support you for as long as you need it. If it turns out I'm wrong and you can no longer do any of the things you used to do, I'll leave you alone. But you won't know until you try."

  When she said nothing, he picked her wand up off the desk and pressed it into her hand.

  "Try," he whispered.

  "I'm afraid," she said. "Afraid that I can't. Right now, I think I can't and that's bad enough. But to actually try and fail, to know everything I was is gone? That's terrifying."

  "It's always best to know the truth," Alarick said. "You can't move forward if you don't know and confront the truth. I've learned that lesson. After my father left me here I refused to believe he didn't care about me. I created all kinds of excuses for his behavior, mostly centered around my own failings."

  "Well, you were eight," Elissa said.

  "And despite my youth, Master Hale forced me to confront the truth that my father didn't care about me or my sister, and nothing I could have done would have changed that fact," Alarick said.

  "Dealing with it hurt, I won't lie. There were many nights spent crying into my pillow and many days spent shouting at Master Hale. But once I came to terms with it, things became, if not better, at least easier. And that will happen for you, but only once you know the truth. Master Hale gave me a gift in the truth. Let me give you that gift, Elissa."