Being Billy

by Phil Earle

I swung my bag over my shoulder and paused at the edge of my desk, waving Daisy before me. With slow steps we paced towards the door, feeling the delight grow as the rest of the class fell into line behind us. We marched noisily down the corridor, past the Deputy Head’s office and through the doors to the yard.

  I couldn’t resist taking a peek through the window as we passed Carrick’s shambolic classroom. I don’t know who had taken it worse, him or the Deputy Head, who seemed to be tearing a strip off him for losing an entire class.

  It always felt good to get one over on the scummers, whether it was at home or at school. And as we headed towards the gates, we knew this one was going to be talked about for months to come.

  CHAPTER 14

  The giggling from behind the bedroom door kind of gave the surprise away.

  Not that I was still asleep. Birthday or otherwise, I’d seen the sun come up as normal. But for the sake of the twins, I forced my eyes shut as they edged closer to my bed.

  I heard a clatter as something landed on the bedside table, followed by a whoosh of air as they launched themselves on top of me.

  ‘Happy birthday, Bill!’ yelled Lizzie as she landed on my back, although Louie seemed more interested in my present, or at least in opening it himself.

  I allowed myself a smile as I pulled the pair of them close to me. Birthdays as a lifer were never days to remember and definitely not days to look forward to. Not when you’d endured as many with Ronnie as I had. Getting cards from the twins was fine, but there was always a card missing. The one you really wanted. The one that never came.

  ‘Look, Bill, look!’ yelled Louie, as he rammed a handful of envelopes under my nose. ‘Look how many you’ve got! Open this one first, our one.’

  I flicked through the small handful of cards, knowing instinctively who they were from without even opening them. Louie and Lizzie, the other lifers (not that they’d thought of it themselves), the scummers, Ronnie (why he bothered, I never could work out), Dawn (our social worker for that month) and, finally, a neatly written card that went quickly under my pillow for later.

  ‘Thanks, you two, that’s brilliant,’ I said, forcing a smile as I saw the ‘world’s best brother’ greeting on the front. It tore me apart to think that it could be the last time they’d be with me on my birthday.

  ‘Open your prezzie, Bill. Go on, open it. Open it!’ gushed Louie, dizzy with excitement.

  ‘Why, what is it?’ I laughed, knowing full well what was inside the small silver packet. The same thing as every year. The same thing Louie always chose.

  As I slid off the wrapping, I grinned the grin he wanted to see.

  ‘Footie stickers!’ I cried, watching his face light up in turn. ‘Brilliant, you two. Thanks!’

  That was Louie’s cue to snatch them from my hand, ripping the stickers from the packet as he shuffled them through his fingers, agile as a poker player.

  ‘Whoooa. You’ve got Gerrard. And Crouch – that’s really rare, that is!’

  ‘Is it? But I’ve got them two already. So why don’t you do me some swaps and keep them yourself?’ I lied. It was present enough to see him beaming.

  ‘BRILLIANT! Cheers, Bill!’ he hollered, before launching himself from the bed and scampering off to his room, tearing the back off the first sticker as he ran.

  Lizzie just stared at me.

  ‘Sorry about the stickers, Bill,’ she said, frowning. ‘I wanted to get you something different this year, but Louie was practically crying in the shop.’

  ‘Don’t be daft.’ I grinned as I pulled her close again. ‘I love them, you know I do.’

  Over her shoulder by the headboard was a mural of footballers’ mugshots. My trophies from celebrating too many birthdays as a professional lifer.

  Real presents were never a good idea. Not for lifers. Christmas especially.

  To be fair to them, the scummers always try to put on a good show, always make sure all the kids have got a decent number of prezzies. And by the time all ten kids have opened everything, it’s like being trapped inside the Argos catalogue. You can’t move for trains and dolls and bikes. It never lasts, though. All that good feeling. All the ho-ho-ho. Especially when you can see the carers checking out their watches, counting down the minutes to the end of their shift, so they can get home, give out the proper presents, be with their real kids.

  Ronnie would practically sprint out of the door at the end of his shift. Could never wait to get home and shower his real boys with prezzies.

  The lifers pick up on it. Course we do. We don’t want to be there any more than they do. So by the time the new shift comes on at five p.m. Christmas Day, all they get is a sink full of pots, a floor full of broken toys and the prospect of half a dozen restraint reports to write by dawn.

  Happy fucking Christmas.

  Nah, a packet of footie stickers and a hug from the twins are good enough for me.

  ‘Right then,’ I groaned, as I pulled myself from the bed, only to be stopped by Lizzie.

  ‘Where are you going, Bill?’ She looked worried, eyes as wide as saucers.

  ‘Breakfast, chuck. If I don’t get down there soon the Colonel will have locked the cupboards till lunch.’

  ‘But you don’t need to. It’s Saturday and we brought you breakfast in bed.’

  And there it was, on the bedside table. The biggest plate of breakfast I’d ever seen. Cereal, boiled egg, juice and the fattest, greasiest bacon sarnie I’d ever clapped eyes on.

  ‘Look at that!’ I yelled, as the prospect of another breakfast scuffle magically disappeared. ‘That is without doubt the best present you’ve ever given me.’

  I folded her into my chest. I’d have left her there forever as well if I thought the bacon would keep warm somehow.

  ‘He said you’d like it.’ Lizzie beamed. ‘Said he’d put money on it.’

  ‘Who?’ I mumbled through a gobful of bread. ‘Louie?’

  ‘No, not Louie.’ She laughed. ‘Ronnie. It was his idea.’

  The words stuck in my throat as I practised them in my head. Lord knows how it would sound if I actually tried to thank him for my breakfast.

  I mean.

  What was it with him?

  He could’ve made the twins feel like it was their idea.

  Why did he have to take the glory?

  It was only a bacon sandwich after all. If he thought he could make up for all the years of lies with one breakfast, then he was dreaming.

  Anyway, he probably only did it to avoid a scrap at the breakfast table. Last thing he wanted before going home was to have to pin me to the table. Wouldn’t be the first time he’d written up a birthday restraint.

  By the time I’d got dressed, I was ready to blow. In fact, he’d given me the perfect excuse to have a pop at him about keeping secrets about the twins and Annie. Breakfast in bed couldn’t excuse that and he knew it.

  I’d reached the bedroom door before I remembered the card still under my pillow. As hard as I tried to shake it from my head, I knew there was no way I could go down the stairs without opening it first.

  It wasn’t a big card. Just a plain white envelope with ‘Mr B. Finn’ written carefully on the front. I turned it over in my hands, second-guessing what was inside. Would it be the same as last year? Or was it something new? Maybe they’d changed their mind after all and realized they’d made a horrible mistake. As the thoughts raced through my head, I ripped at the envelope, yanked the card open and scanned the lines written inside:

  Dear Billy,

  We hope this card finds you well and that you are enjoying your fifteenth birthday. It seems hard to believe that another year has passed so quickly, doesn’t it?

  Not to me, I sneered, wondering when she was going to get to the point.

  Grant and I wanted to send our love to you, and let you know that although we haven’t seen you for so long, you are still in our thoughts.


  We hope that both you and the twins are well, and that you are getting on well with Ronnie. He’s great at dropping us a line occasionally to let us know your news – we do love to hear how things are.

  We had no idea what to get you this year, but thought this voucher would allow you to choose something yourself.

  Thinking of you on your special day,

  Jan and Grant

  Ripping out the ten-quid voucher, I scoured every centimetre of the card for a message from Grant, before realizing that he had only signed his name next to Jan’s. No message, no small talk, just his name, signed no doubt at his wife’s insistence. Three years may have been a long time for Jan, but obviously not long enough for him.

  Throwing the card across the room, I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to daydream. Why on earth would they change their mind now? They’d made their decision. I wasn’t what they were looking for. Wasn’t what their dream had been.

  Pushing the resentment to the pit of my stomach, I headed for the stairs. There was no way Ronnie was getting his thank-you now.

  Luckily for him, our paths didn’t cross that morning. In fact, after the first hour had passed, I just presumed he’d gone home.

  Typical. He couldn’t even be arsed to wait around on my birthday. Some ‘uncle’ he was. He probably had something planned with his boys. Football or out for lunch. Whatever it was you did with your own kids.

  As lunchtime ticked nearer, my mood deteriorated. It may have been my ‘special day’, but that didn’t alter the fact that it was Saturday, and that meant losing the twins to Annie for the afternoon.

  The prospect of seeing her swanning off with them was just too much to bear, so I pulled the phone from my jacket pocket and hit Daisy’s number. No sooner had her answer-phone kicked in than I felt someone tap me on the back. I killed the call, cursing my luck, before spinning to face the Colonel, who, despite sweating, was all smiles.

  ‘Blimey, Bill. You could try cracking your face. It won’t fall in half just cos you manage a smile.’

  He was lucky I didn’t lamp him there and then. In fact, had he not jumped in straight away, I think I probably would have done.

  ‘Come walk with me, big lad. There’s things that need to be said.’

  Of course this got my back up instantly.

  ‘What makes you think I want to listen to you? Think breakfast in bed makes us mates, do you?’

  Ronnie just creased his face in surprise. ‘What? Oh, do give up, Billy. That was just for starters. We need to chat, me and you. And when we’re done, then your birthday can start properly.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I yelled as he marched away.

  ‘You’ll see, sunshine, you’ll see. Come on, fall in!’

  There was no answer to that. Apart from wandering after him, giving him the finger as we walked.

  CHAPTER 15

  Fortunately, the march only lasted for a minute or two. Just long enough to get us across the field towards the old garages. Ronnie didn’t stop frowning the whole way, which usually meant trouble of one kind or another.

  Just before we reached the knackered old buildings, he pointed towards a bench.

  ‘Perch yourself on there a minute, Billy. There’s something we need to talk about.’

  ‘You’re all right. I’d rather stand.’

  If he thought I was going to make anything easy for him, he could think again.

  I saw his shoulders sag a bit, as the first part of whatever he’d planned started to unravel.

  ‘It’s about Annie,’ he said. ‘Well, kind of. About her and the twins really.’

  I felt the tension start to rise in my gut, as the words I’d dreaded edged closer.

  ‘As you know, Annie’s been seeing the twins regularly now for a good while. Eighteen months it’s been, without a contact session missed. And Dawn and me, well, the whole care team, we’ve seen a big change in her. A sustained change. I’m guessing you’ve seen it too.’

  I stared at him as he let the question hang there. What was he expecting me to do? Agree with him?

  ‘Well, it’s been decided that it’s in the best interests of the twins if this arrangement is developed. Accelerated, if you like.’

  You couldn’t make it up, could you? The crap he was spouting. Accelerated? He was talking about my family, not watching Top Gear.

  ‘The care team have decided that contact between the twins and Annie will be increased to three times a week, and that she will be allowed unsupervised contact on Saturdays.’

  It was getting harder to keep quiet as the anger crept to my fists. But as hard as this was for me, I wanted it to be harder still for him. I wanted to hear him struggle as his lies came tumbling down around him.

  ‘I can’t even begin to think how difficult this must be for you, Bill. I know what the twins mean to you. And I’ve seen – we’ve all seen – the efforts you’ve made since your review. But we have to think about the twins in this. They’re nine years old, mate. And they’ve been here eight years. It’s too long! You know it as well as I do. But this could be their chance. Annie’s chance too.’

  ‘Her chance?’ I spat. ‘Don’t you think she’s had her chance? She had her chance ten years ago and she didn’t take it. She chose Shaun, didn’t she?’ I felt sick at the mention of his name. ‘She chose him and she chose booze. She didn’t have to, but she did. That was her choice. That was her chance.’

  Ronnie rubbed at his forehead with one hand, deflecting my pointed finger away with the other.

  ‘People change, Bill.’

  He tried to hold on to my arm, long enough that for a second I saw only Shaun.

  ‘They do change, mate. Do you not think that Annie regrets what she did? She has to wake up every day knowing that her three kids are in care.’

  ‘Two kids,’ I blurted. ‘She has two kids. She’s not my mother. I’m not her son.’

  ‘She’ll always be your mum, Bill.’

  ‘She hasn’t been my mum since she signed those papers, Ronnie. Since she told Jan and Grant they were welcome to me.’

  ‘Oh, Billy, she signed those papers because she thought it was best for you. Three years ago she was in a different place. She probably never thought she’d get to where she is today.’

  ‘And where does that leave me, then?’ I yelled, before realizing I’d said too much. I stared at the ground, trying to pull the anger back from my fists, trying to swallow it down as I had done so many times before.

  ‘Come on, then, Ronnie,’ I growled. ‘Give me the big truth. How long till you take them away from me? How long till you let her loose on them all over again?’

  ‘Let’s not get carried away, Bill. We’re not setting any hard and fast timelines to this. Annie doesn’t want us to either. For the past six months she’s been going through a period of evaluation. She’s been seen by doctors, by counsellors, by social workers, and they’ve all been analysing where she’s at; how she might cope with the twins coming home. If she copes with the extended contact, and if the twins respond too, then we’ll look at overnight stays, then weekend visits. Returning home full-time could still be a year away.’

  ‘But it could be sooner as well, couldn’t it?’

  He couldn’t even look me in the eye as he nodded.

  ‘I’m not going to lie to you, Bill. It could be less, yes.’

  I shook my head in disbelief, my balance split between launching myself at him and just turning and running. I couldn’t work out which would be best. And I wasn’t even sure if I cared.

  ‘How long have you known about this?’ I had to know if he had the balls to tell me the truth. ‘How long have you been planning it all behind my back?’

  ‘It’s not a conspiracy, Billy. This has been discussed for a long time, probably about a year.’ He must have seen the pain in my eyes as he said it, as he took a step towards me, arms outstretc
hed. ‘And we talked so often about when to tell you, when might be the right time.’

  I shook my head in disbelief. ‘And that’s now, is it? On my birthday? Outstanding, Ronnie. Out. Standing. In fact, tell you what, why don’t you let them go swanning off this afternoon with Annie as well? Oh, yeah,’ I added with a snarl. ‘You already are!’

  He looked like he’d been stabbed. Like he was the one hurting.

  ‘There was never a good time, Bill, was there? I’ve wanted to talk to you for weeks about it, but you seemed to be doing so well. Like you were turning a corner. So I hung on. I was wrong, mate, I realize that now.’

  ‘That’s big of you.’

  ‘I know this must be a shock, Bill. I know it must feel like the end of the world. But it’s still early days and a lot can change, believe me.’

  The problem was, I didn’t believe anything was going to change. Nothing ever did around here.

  ‘Kids belong with a family. I believe that. I have to. It’s why I do this job. So please try and believe me, we’re doing this for all the right reasons. The twins need a family.’

  But not me, I thought, as the last glimpse of fire went out.

  ‘Look. I’ve got something for you. Something I’ve been working on for a while now. And I think you’ll really like it. Think it might help, even.’

  I couldn’t believe my ears. All of a sudden it was my birthday again. Forget the fact that he’d just told me he was tearing me and the twins apart, now it was time for jelly and ice cream.

  ‘I want nothing from you. Do you get me? Nothing. So go home, Ronnie, or piss off to your boys, or do whatever it is you do when you finish your shift. Just don’t give me anything. I don’t want it and I don’t want you.’

  Conversation over, I skulked back to the house, although the gate seemed like a better idea. As much as I wanted to bolt through it, I knew it wasn’t an option. Annie was due in two hours and if there was a chance, the smallest of chances, that she wouldn’t show, I had to be there. For the twins. After all, it wasn’t their fault. Just everyone else’s. Mine included.