Being Billy

by Phil Earle

  ‘What do I say, though?’ I asked, as he pulled the armour over his head. ‘I’m going to sound like a total plank, aren’t I?’

  ‘You know what, Bill? I wouldn’t even think about it. Just say what comes into your head. Now, you ready for a round or two?’

  I banged my gloves together in anticipation of working some frustration out on to his ribs. This was the third time he’d agreed to a bit of sparring and, as much as I hated to admit it, I was beginning to enjoy it. Of course he was taking it too seriously, telling me to ‘widen my stance’ and ‘punch through the pad’, but to be honest, once I was swinging, I just tuned him out. All I could focus on were the body armour and the sense of satisfaction I felt as I pummelled it. I had so many memories to put straight and each punch gave me the chance to have my own bit of revenge. The only face I couldn’t banish, though, was Shaun’s, and it was him that spurred me on. It didn’t matter how many punches I threw, or how hard I landed them, his sneering face just wouldn’t go away, and as the sessions went on I started to doubt I would ever get him out of my head.

  As the minutes fizzed by, I could feel my body begin to tire and could see the Colonel flagging as well. But to his credit, he never once told me to stop. In fact, there were times I thought he knew I was thinking about Shaun, as he stepped up his encouragement, barking at me to continue.

  I punched until I was unable to raise my gloves even as high as my waist. As I bent double and tried to shake Shaun from my head, the Colonel staggered backwards, tugging at the body armour as if it were on fire.

  ‘Good grief, Bill, you punch like a mule.’

  I would have laughed had I not been gasping for breath. ‘I thought mules kicked?’

  ‘Kicked, punched, what’s the difference? The result’s the same.’

  We were silent for a while, wheezing like a couple of asthmatic old fellas gasping for breath after one fag too many.

  ‘You enjoying it, then?’ he asked finally as he warmed down.

  ‘Don’t know if enjoy’s the word really. But it’s all right, I suppose.’

  ‘It’s weird to watch, you know? Once you start punching, it’s like Billy’s gone somewhere else. I mean, what are you thinking about once you’re into it?’

  My mind reeled at the prospect of letting Shaun out of my head. Of the damage he could do if I let him loose anywhere but in my memories. Not yet, not yet, I told myself. Leave him at home with Annie. Annie, Shaun and bottles of whisky. If I kept it all together and in my head, it’d be fine.

  ‘Nothing really. It’s like you say, my head just clears and I concentrate on technique.’

  Ronnie smiled, though whether he believed me was another matter.

  ‘I’m just pleased you’re getting something out of it. Means a lot to me, it does. Listen. I’ve got to get back to the house. There’s paperwork needs doing, and a hallway to vacuum before this girlfriend of yours arrives.’ Walking towards the door, he gurned some ridiculous kissing expression as he went.

  I’d have told him where to go if I’d had the energy.

  *

  The list of things to do was endless and Daisy was arriving in less than an hour.

  That morning, before boxing, I’d had a crack at working the washing machine and dryer, and as I stuck my nose into the clean clothes, I couldn’t help but congratulate myself. Nothing had shrunk or dyed itself pink. All right, every bit was creased, but ironing wasn’t going to happen, no matter who was coming round.

  The problem I had now was what to do with the clothes. When they were filthy I had no problem scattering them all over my bedroom floor, but it seemed like a bit of a waste now they were clean. For the first time since trashing my wardrobe, I was regretting it, and had no option but to fold the clothes as best I could and pile them on my windowsill, before shutting the curtains. At least that way I could hide the boarded-up window at the same time.

  After tidying my room into some sort of order, I had another shower, paying attention to go easier on the soap. I didn’t fancy another ribbing from Daisy.

  By the time I was dressed, there was only one thing left to do and that was have a quiet word with the rest of the lifers. Let them know that I was having a mate around and that if they gave me any grief I’d have my revenge later on. Strangely, it didn’t take any of them long to catch my drift. In fact, I barely saw any of them for the rest of the day. Perfect.

  Pity, then, that Ronnie didn’t choose to do the same. He looked more excited than me and the twins combined, and although they would be going out with Annie for the afternoon, the Colonel was sticking around.

  He was all smiles as he introduced himself to Daisy, and as I moved her swiftly away, he had the nerve to give me a wink and a sly thumbs up. Cheeky git. Like I cared what he thought.

  Of course the twins thought Daisy was wicked. Her face lit up when she met them and they didn’t want to leave her alone, peppering her with question after question.

  ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Where do you live?’

  ‘How do you know our Billy?’

  I listened carefully as she answered, hoping to pick up a bit of info that I didn’t already know.

  However, when Louie chirped up with, ‘Are you Billy’s girlfriend?’ I realized it might be time to get cracking, but not before Daisy answered, ‘He should be so lucky!’

  ‘I thought you two were getting ready for Annie?’ I butted in.

  ‘She isn’t coming for another hour and a half and we’re ready already,’ Lizzie moaned.

  ‘Well, I’ve got something for you that might make the time pass a bit quicker,’ Daisy said, and she pulled a DVD from her bag.

  ‘The Princess Bride,’ yelled Lizzie. ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘Looks like a girl’s film,’ mumbled Louie, unimpressed.

  ‘You see, that’s where you’re wrong,’ said Daisy. ‘Do you like pirates, Louie?’

  He nodded.

  ‘And what about sword fights? And giants and monsters?’

  Louie nodded his head so quickly it was in danger of falling off.

  ‘Then this, my friend,’ she raved, ‘is the film for you. Go on. Give it a try.’

  With that, Louie whipped the case out of Lizzie’s hand and ran for the lounge.

  ‘Right, then.’ Daisy grinned. ‘Let’s get you ready for your close-up.’

  I sat and stared at the red light winking at me.

  ‘Whenever you’re ready, Bill,’ said Daisy softly.

  I didn’t have a clue where to even start, so looked around their room, hoping it might give me some inspiration.

  ‘Er, hiya, you two. It’s me, Bill.’ I winced at the stupidity of how that sounded. ‘I’m … we’re … well, this DVD is for you. It’s called your life-story book. Except we thought we’d film it instead.’ I paused, ready to stop, but Daisy made this circular motion with her hand. Keep going, keep going.

  ‘We thought you could take it with you when you go to live at Annie’s, so you can watch it whenever you want. Just so you don’t forget where you’ve lived and so you can see me whenever you like. Well, this is your bedroom …’

  Daisy jerked the camera away from me and started to scan the walls instead, which made me feel tons better.

  ‘It’s been your room for eight years now, since we first arrived, although you’ve not always slept in these beds. You had bunk beds for a while. Do you remember? You loved them, you did. Or at least whoever had the top bunk did. Ronnie made you take it in turns each week, cos you used to fight over who got to sleep on top. You’d scrap over it nearly every night, until in the end Ron got rid of them. Reckoned it was more trouble than it was worth.’

  I smiled as I remembered the tears when he swapped them for two single beds. It was like the end of the world.

  ‘Oh, this …’ I laughed, pointing Daisy to the wall nearest me. ‘This is the gallery wall. When you were about six, a
ll you wanted to do was draw on it. It didn’t matter whether it was paint or felt tips or crayons. Whatever you could get your hands on, it went all over the wall. It used to drive the carers mad, it did. At first they’d try and paint over it, then they’d get cross and get you to join in with them, as if it was punishment or something. You didn’t care. You loved it. In the end, Ronnie covered the entire wall in this blackboard paint and bought you this massive tub of chalk. You went mad for it. We used to think that sometimes you got sent to your room on purpose, just so you could go and draw all over it again.’

  Daisy was grinning behind the camera, urging me on, and now I was off and running, there seemed to be loads to say.

  ‘Do you remember which books you liked best before bed? When you were younger you loved the one about the elephant and the bad baby. I used to have to read it to you every night for about two years, till you knew it better than me. Then there was Flat Stanley. That was when you were older, though, and it was the first book that you wanted to read to me, especially the bit when his brother blew him up again with the bike pump. Always made us laugh, that did. I hope you’re still reading books at Annie’s house too.’

  Daisy gave me a big thumbs up.

  ‘And don’t let her forget to tuck the duvet under your feet before you go to sleep, otherwise your feet’ll get really cold. I used to let you go to sleep in your socks, until Ronnie told you your feet wouldn’t grow if you wore them in bed!’

  The red light blinked off and Daisy let the camera fall to her side.

  ‘Wicked, Bill, wicked. I reckon that’ll do for in here. Where do you want to go next?’

  Now we were off and flying, I didn’t feel so much of a dick and we spent the next hour or so moving round the house, from kitchen to hallway to dining room, even the scummers’ office as well. My confidence grew with every room, and along with that came a sense that maybe this would work after all. At least, until the Colonel jumped in.

  ‘Any chance of me leaving a message on that, Daisy?’ he asked as we stood in his office.

  Daisy flicked me a look asking for approval, and when I shrugged, she just said, ‘Sure.’

  ‘I’ll check on the twins,’ I said, getting out before I was forced to sit in on what would be a long and dull speech.

  I sat in the lounge with them for a few minutes, not that they knew I was there. They were completely lost in the film, which did look pretty good, and it certainly wasn’t a girl’s film, as Louie had thought. It was all sword fights and duels and funny one-liners, but with enough princesses to keep Lizzie happy as well. By the time I knew what was happening I’d been sucked in too, and as the credits rolled, the twins returned reluctantly to the room as if from a trance.

  ‘That was corking,’ said Louie, stretching his arms like he’d been the one with the sword in his hand, not the masked hero. ‘Can we watch it again later?’

  ‘You’ll have to ask Daisy if you can borrow it,’ I replied, although I knew what the answer would be. ‘Why don’t you get your shoes on? Annie’s due any minute.’

  With that, they tore out of the door and up the stairs, imaginary swords in hands, leaving me with an empty room. Something I’d have to get used to, I suppose.

  Twenty minutes later and the house was quieter still. Annie had been and gone, the twins galloping behind her, doubly excited as they were allowed to spend the day with her on their own. No scummers to spoil their fun – the days of supervised contact were gone, another nail hammered firmly into my coffin.

  Daisy watched from the door as they disappeared through the gate, before jabbing me in the arm.

  ‘Come on, then. Stop looking morbid. We’ve got more filming to finish before they get back.’

  ‘Can’t we leave it as it is? I haven’t got anything left to say,’ I moaned, the frustration biting hard inside me.

  ‘Can do if you want the last thing they see on screen to be Ronnie,’ she replied, knowing full well that it wasn’t.

  ‘One more shot, then, and that’s it.’

  ‘Perfect,’ she said, grinning, then pushed me down the steps and on to the grounds by the house. She marched me over to the bench by the garage, before giving me a pep talk about what she wanted.

  ‘Now remember, this is the last shot. The thing they’ll remember most once they turn it off. So keep it punchy and tell them the truth.’

  ‘What do you mean “the truth”?’

  ‘I don’t know, Bill. They’re your family, not mine!’ She took a deep breath. ‘Look, there are so many things I wish I’d said to my mum and dad. Things I never got chance to. Things I regret now. Well, you’ve got the chance, so don’t waste it.’

  She pushed the button without pausing. We were rolling.

  ‘Hiya. It’s me again. Hope Ronnie didn’t bore you to death. I’m sat here on the bench in the garden and I don’t think there’s much more to show you.’ I paused and looked around, desperate for some inspiration. ‘We used to sit out here a lot in the summer. Hey, do you remember the day we sat here and read The Twits from start to finish? Louie got so obsessed with it that he tried to hide food in his hair like Mr Twit. We were picking dried cornflakes out of it for days.’

  I grinned like a fool at the memory, before realizing I really had run out of things to say.

  ‘I hope you like this. It was Daisy’s idea, to be honest.’ Daisy spun the camera round to face her and waved before whipping it back to me. ‘But we’ve enjoyed making it. It reminded me a bit that it hasn’t all been rubbish living here. Most of it has, but not all.’

  I looked down the lens of the camera, my mind an absolute blank.

  ‘I don’t know what else to say really, except enjoy being at home. You’re in the right place, you know? It was never right you being here. You deserve better. So enjoy it, and don’t forget, if ever you need me, for anything, doesn’t matter what time of day it is, you can call me. Just because we’re not under the same roof, it doesn’t mean anything changes. I’m still your brother. See you soon.’

  And with a wave, I stood up from the bench and the camera went to sleep.

  CHAPTER 23

  The car was so full of crap by the time we left home that I thought we’d spend most of the journey hot-rodding along the motorway on the back wheels.

  For a man who’d spent weeks roughing it outdoors with his army cronies, the Colonel was hell-bent on taking a load of gear for only two nights’ camping.

  ‘Best to be prepared,’ he’d said with a smug grin. ‘After all, a failure to plan is a plan to failure.’

  Me and Lizzie stared at him, bemused, while Louie flashed a ‘loser’ sign at him with his thumb and finger. I don’t think Ronnie had a clue what Lou was on about, but he knew it wasn’t a compliment.

  The first weeks of summer had passed in a flash and school was starting to beckon, playing on my mind. We were all pretty excited by the trip, though. Any time spent away from home and the other lifers, even if it was a trip to the shops, was a bonus, but to get two nights away … well, it just didn’t happen.

  ‘You deserve it, all three of you. You’ve had a lot to deal with lately and we wanted to give you the chance to spend some family time together.’

  I felt a stab of sadness in my gut. If this was our last holiday before being split again, I knew I couldn’t spend the whole trip kicking up. I wanted the twins to leave with only good memories of me, and selfishly I wanted some of my own.

  So I bit my tongue as Ronnie piled the boot high with supplies, even when he talked us through every bit of kit that went in. It was only when the boot slammed shut that he let us get in.

  Maggie, the other scummer coming with us, couldn’t resist ribbing him either as she clambered in beside the twins.

  ‘Well, that was great fun, Ron, it really was, but we’d better start getting all the luggage back in the house, hadn’t we? I think I’ve reached my retirement date. I wouldn’t mind, but I was on
ly forty-five when this shift started.’

  ‘Oh, you may laugh, but you’ll thank me for my planning if the weather turns.’

  ‘I’ll thank you more if we manage to pitch the tents before the sun disappears, so get your foot down, will you?’

  I felt him bristling beside me, but could tell he was trying to keep a lid on it, and by the time we’d reached the motorway, he was properly cheerful. So cheerful that he allowed the twins to put one of their CDs on, despite their appalling taste in music.

  You couldn’t blame them – they were still so young after all – but with every sugar-coated pop song that burst through the speakers, they would pogo in their seats, tipping the car further and further back. Lou got so into it, he started drumming on the back of Ronnie’s headrest. I sat and watched his reaction, expecting him to bark at Lou to stop it straight away, but he didn’t. Instead he started drumming along on the steering wheel, much to their delight. And with their encouragement, he acted up even more. The moshing as he drummed, I had to admit, was pretty funny, mainly because it was the uncoolest thing I’d ever seen, like watching your headmaster go on the pull, but when he started with the whole Britney Spears impression, it was just too much. For Maggie in particular, who cuffed him jokingly on the back of the head, telling him to concentrate on the road.

  Things calmed down for a bit; the twins slumped into their seats, Mags seemed to be having a doze, while Ron had tuned into the dullest radio station I’d ever heard. Just endless loops of travel reports and news headlines. It was enough to make my eyelids droop, and I reckon had Ronnie not interrupted, I would have dropped off.

  ‘Won’t be long for you now, will it?’ he murmured, eyes still on the road.

  ‘Hhhhhm?’