Loser

by Valerie J. Long

“Oh my god! Hey, wait. What’s this?”

  “Cut wounds. Those are everywhere. She has no single finger or toe nail left.”

  “Who would do something like that?”

  I’d gladly tell you! But I can’t! Can I flinch?

  A beep sounded.

  “Is she awake?”

  “Increased brain activity—either that, or she’s dreaming.”

  “Too early yet. Let her sleep.”

  Smack!

  Something warm runs down my ass crack, tickling, and drops down. Blood?

  “Hey—you shan’t bleed out! Wait.”

  A wet splash—something burns like fire across the last hit, elicits a howling from my gagged throat. It’s just pain…just pain…

  “Salt water’s always good. We’re making a break. You’re hanging comfortably, sweetheart?”

  Pain and memory faded, the draw in my back remained. Where am I? Can I move? What’s beeping there?

  “She’s waking up!”

  “Too early. Give her another dose!”

  “Ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—oooh—yes, do you feel it, sweetheart? Do you like it?”

  “Mmmmmh!” No. It hurts, and I don’t feel joy, but it’s just sex. Simply just sex, and while you’re having sex with me, you’re not doing anything worse.

  “Yes, sweetheart. You’ll have more, later on. Oh, see, you’re staining the table. Can’t keep my juice inside you, what? Bad girl. That’s to be punished!”

  No, please!

  “You know the penalty for that.”

  Yes…please don’t!

  “Everything okay today?”

  “She’s healing without complications, but what a pity—she must have been pretty.”

  “I’ve talked to her employer. She’d pay for cosmetic surgery, but she’s also looking for a different solution.”

  What did that mean? I still didn’t feel my body, couldn’t move a muscle. Wrong—somehow heart and breathing worked. What was happening with me? Why did no one talk to me?

  Again this beeping sounded.

  “She’s waking up.”

  “Better not yet. She can’t bear it yet.”

  Chapter Seventy-Five

  “What would you prefer today? The whip or the scalpel? Well, you know what, I believe I’ll take them in turns.”

  The scalpel? Each time, a part of me goes, but it’s more subtle. The beats of the whip echo through my entire body. What’s worse? Yet—it doesn’t matter. I can’t control it, and in the end it’s just pain.

  Why me? I’m a loser. I’ve fared much too well for a much too long time—now fate remembered me. There’s a lot to make up for. Dandy’s just the executing hand…

  My whole body burned and itched evenly. Breathing came hard to me.

  No. Now I could make out differences. The back hurt more. My feet. My hands were prickling.

  I couldn’t move—strapped down.

  A wave of panic rolled over me.

  “Are you reclining comfortably? I can tighten the straps a bit. The split really becomes you, you know, sweetheart?”

  I know, yes. You like to stare into my crotch before you abuse me. You like to wait for me not being able to hold my water, because then you can punish me again. How many little cuts did you help me to? One-hundred? Two-hundred?

  You’re no artist like Hermann. You only command primitive, cruel methods. They hurt anyway.

  There you’re coming again with your scalpel…

  “It’s okay, it’s okay, I’ll free you at once!” a familiar-sounding voice called.

  Then I heard a different female voice. “The patient must remain secured, the doctor said. Doc! Come quick!”

  “She’s been tied to a torture bed! You can’t tie her down! Which idiot ordered this?”

  “That was me,” a calm voice replied. “The patient could hurt herself by involuntary movements. Please take your hands away there and don’t question my orders. Who are you, anyway?”

  “I’m Eva Keller, Medical Doctor,” the familiar voice said icily, “and at the same time Johanna’s employer. And if you had the slightest idea of psychic trauma, you shouldn’t have issued that order. Idiot.”

  “I won’t have that. Nurse, call security.”

  “Yes, Doc.”

  “Nurse—let security check who’s in charge of this hospital.”

  “What? Yes.”

  I heard a struggle, then a dull noise and a muffled cry.

  “Stop now!” Eva commanded. The doctor whimpered.

  Finally, I could move one arm. “Rest relaxed,” she advised me. “I’ll unfasten the other straps, too—but he’s correct, you could hurt yourself or tear out the infusion. Trust me.”

  I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t open my mouth yet. “Mm—mh,” I agreed.

  I could feel the second arm come free. Carefully, I tried to lift both arms a few millimeters. It worked, but it was an effort.

  The bonds around my legs loosened, too—at least they weren’t in the split. Could I pull my knees tight? Only a little bit? Yes.

  Good. Then I played with my fingers only. Why couldn’t I open my eyes? Bandaged? No—I wouldn’t feel for them now.

  “What’s going on here?” a new male voice chimed in.

  “My name’s Eva Keller, I’m this hospital’s medical and economic director. I had an argument about the treatment of a patient with my employee. Please help him out to the doctor’s room, until he has calmed down. Nurse, please check whether the head physician can spare a few minutes for me.”

  “Yes—Mrs. Keller.”

  “Thank you. So, Jo, we’ll be alone soon.”

  Chapter Seventy-Six

  “Mm.”

  “I’ll give you a sip of water. Carefully, rinse your mouth with it, don’t choke. You’ve been artificially fed for a long time.”

  I felt a straw between my lips, then wetness. Following Eva’s advice, I only sucked a small sip, rinsed my mouth, and only then swallowed.

  “Take your time.”

  I tried a nod—successfully. Then I sucked another sip. The swallowing hurt, as if my throat were raw meat. Nevertheless, it had to happen. The cool fluid also did my jaw joints good.

  After a while, I could decently drink. Only a few sips. Now I could also open my mouth.

  “Ah,” I managed. “Ah. Eva.”

  “Yes, Jo. How do you feel?”

  Crappy. No, Eva wouldn’t want to know that. “Pain. Back, Feet, the fingers are prickling.”

  “A slight paresthesia in the fingers. That will pass. Do you remember what happened?”

  “Rather not, and unclear, but yes. Dandy kidnapped me. Then he did his sado games with me. How bad is it?”

  “Very bad. But you’re alive.”

  “Yes. I feel that clearly.”

  “The pain will soon fade.”

  “It’s just pain. But I can’t open my eyes.”

  “There’s a bandage around. It must stay.”

  To me, it appeared as if my mind would very, very slowly start working with a tough crunching and the asthmatic wheeze of an old museum steam locomotive. The situation was unreal. I only remembered a part of Dandy’s treatment. No. I didn’t want to remember. Blocked out. I sighed. This didn’t work. I had to know what had happened to me. I had to dig it all out again.

  “The whiplashes?”

  “Tore your back open cruelly. Scars all over.”

  I thought so. “Not just the back.”

  “No.”

  “Legs.”

  “Yes.”

  “Chest.”

  Eva sighed. “Yes.”

  “Come on, Eva. It’s bad enough that I can’t remember it all. Don’t make it harder on me.”

  “Okay. Well, he whipped your entire body. The back took the most severe hits, and he seemed to have hit the rest of your body less hard. Nevertheless, welts, scars, and inner injuries are everywhere. Then, you had little cuts and stab wounds all over your body, except for your skullcap. He’s torn all of your fin
ger- and toenails out.”

  I clenched a fist. “But I feel my nails.”

  “Regrown.”

  How long did a fingernail need to grow to full length again? “Crap. Then I’ve missed the final exam.”

  Eva laughed out loud. “Jo, you’re in hospital. You’ve survived such a torture and worry about the exam?”

  “Yes. Crap—I’d like to see you now. And me. My body must look like it was put through a grinder. So I’ve lost my job. Exam missed means—that’s over, too. My future’s done with. Where’s my bicycle?”

  She laughed again. “We didn’t find it. He probably let it disappear.”

  “A pity. Was expensive.”

  “The bicycle can be replaced. You can’t. I’m glad someone found you in time.”

  What did that mean? “I don’t remember that.”

  “No. You were unconscious. They literally dumped you.”

  “How appropriate. Tell me all.”

  “Can you bear that? I think it would be better—”

  “Spare me the soul plumber. Dandy humped me, that’s what I’m doing with strangers each day. He didn’t ask me for permission, but I don’t have a rape trauma. It’s just been sex. He only didn’t pay. And he’s tortured me—worse than we’d allow. But that’s just pain. And he kidnapped me, that asshole. For that, he’ll pay.”

  “Dandy. Do we know him?”

  “We’ve kicked him out once. It’s been almost a year, shortly before June came.”

  “Okay, I’ll check that.”

  “Will you tell me the address?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ll give him a visit, as soon as I’m out of here. I’ll finish that scumbag off.”

  Eva frowned. “I don’t assume that I can talk you out of it?”

  “I’m sure he’s insanely rich and has connections and good lawyers. As I’m not dead, he’ll only be sued for kidnapping and personal injury. So he’ll be bailed out, and then I’m busted.” My throat was almost dry again. I reached for the straw. “Dumped, you said?”

  “If the trash collector who found you wouldn’t have checked before unloading, he’d have buried you alive.”

  “Ugh.”

  Chapter Seventy-Seven

  I felt briefly dizzy when I realized what fate the cocksucker had meant for me.

  “You wanted to know,” Eva said. “But you may assume that Dandy thought you’d be dead, not unconscious. Okay?”

  “Okay. That’s very reassuring. Did we already cover all results of his abuse?”

  “No.”

  “No. What else? Did he mutilate my vagina?”

  “Yes.”

  And I thought I was joking. “Ugh.”

  “Are you still there?” Eva’s voice sounded directly above me.

  “Sadly. And incomplete. What else is gone?”

  I only wanted to talk, not think. Don’t try to imagine…

  “He cut your nipples.”

  “Them, too. Go on.”

  “And your eyelids.”

  “Ugh.”

  “Jo?”

  “I’m still here. I’m only feeling a bit dizzy.”

  Simply killing him would be too easy.

  “So he thoroughly ruined me. Ultimately. Physically and economically. Crap. What about the others?”

  “Do you remember that I once had promised you a free ticket?”

  “Yes.”

  “You never had to make use of it. But my promise stands, and in this situation, I’ve gladly granted it. So you’ve passed. We’ve extrapolated the results of the last intermediate exams. My congratulations for an outstanding Master.”

  “Thanks,” I replied without inflection. “More to come?”

  “No. We were through. Of course, you were sore in many places.”

  That sounded wrong somehow. “You’re lying.”

  “Okay,” she admitted. “There was another thing. We didn’t immediately notice.”

  “What is it?”

  “You’ve miscarried.”

  Chapter Seventy-Eight

  So. He also had my child—our child—to answer for. Should I be shocked? Perhaps that would come. But I hadn’t had the opportunity to grow an emotional relationship to the growing life. So far. Perhaps that would come, too.

  “How long have I been here?” I asked after a while. “Weeks? Months?”

  “Seven months. We had to fight for your life for a long time.”

  “Seven months.” Unconscious. “You don’t need so much time to heal a few scratches.”

  “No. You had a problem with impending organ failure. We had to put you into an artificial coma.”

  “So that scumbag has stolen more than a half year of my life. Not to mention that he’d tortured, mutilated, impregnated, and dumped me. Why didn’t you simply let me die? That would have been merciful.”

  “We weren’t far from that. Honestly. But you fought the coma. From that, we’ve concluded that you want to live.”

  I pondered that. Did I want to live? Without knowing about my situation, yes. But now? Cruelly mutilated?

  “Are you thinking about your looks?”

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t draw premature conclusions. Now that you’re somewhat more fit, we can do more for you.”

  “Paste me new nipples? Or eyelids?”

  “Both are in progress, on a nano-biological nutritive solution. No, I thought about the welts.”

  “Not worth the effort.”

  “Why?”

  “When I’m done with Dandy, I’m going to jail. There, it won’t matter how I look—no, the more fearful I look, the better I will get along. If I appear like a real mad dog, I should be left alone.”

  “You still want to go after him?”

  “I said that, didn’t I? You already know, when I commit to something, I’m pulling it through.”

  Eva sighed. “Yes, sadly.”

  “I only need to regain my shape. How do the others fare?”

  “Good. I told them that you’re alive and not able to receive visitors so far. Reginald calls at least once a week and asks.”

  “Reggie.”

  “He’s a dear. You had a quarrel initially, didn’t you?”

  “Long forgotten.”

  “Okay, I won’t dig deeper. Do you have any other questions?”

  “When will I get out of here?”

  “Be patient. First, we need to finish your treatment.”

  “First the spare parts. Okay. When can I get up?”

  “You can’t see anything.”

  “So what? I want to work at my tonicity. If you’d give me a treadmill and an exercise bike, I wouldn’t even have to leave my room.”

  “Oh, okay. You’ll get them. But I fear it will take a few more weeks before you can use them.”

  “One week, Eva. Training will begin today.”

  Chapter Seventy-Nine

  It was obvious that Eva didn’t appreciate my plans for revenge. Of course, lynch law was and is illegal. However, what Dandy had done to me was illegal, too, and bribing judges and attorneys as well. Or to finally silence a bothersome witness—because it was already clear that my survival was an accident.

  Even if I survived, he’d get away with it—that was clear to me, too. At court, I could only lose—my life, my privacy, further years of my life in an uncomfortable witness protection program, any job that I still could do. The worst he’d have to face were a few years in prison, but my life was busted.

  And if I’d kill him? Perhaps I would find understanding judges, after all he had done to me.

  Oh yes, I’d soon be able to see again, I’d run, ride a bicycle, swim, but back to my old life? No. Not with such a devastated body, and even less with a body that no longer could feel lust.

  With a body that felt strange to me. A body that had carried a child and then lost it.

  Scumbag.

  “Aooow!”

  Running steps—Oh, this pain! My eyes!

  “Hey, Johann
a—what’s happened? No, leave the bandage in place! Doc! Doc, quick!”

  “Aaaaoooow!” It burned—No, take it away—unbearable!

  “Doc!”

  “What? Oh, let me see—no, wait, Johanna, I’ll remove the bandage at once. Please let me do it. Nurse, get me a new bandage—and the sprayer. Quick!”

  I felt him starting to unwrap and took my own hands away.

  “What’s happened?” he asked calmly.

  “I’ve been lost in thoughts,” I pressed out. “Then it came upon me—and it’s burning so!”

  “Did you cry?”

  “Yes.” He was done—and the sudden light blinded me. I couldn’t close my eyes! He held his warm hand over them.

  “That’s why. It’s difficult right now. You can’t blink without your eyelids, and to not have your eyeballs dry out, we’ve bandaged them and applied a permanent moistener. But large amounts of tears aren’t planned for—we can’t handle that. So—I have to moisten a bit now.”

  It became bright, then I felt wetness at my eyes. Next, he held his hand over my eyes again. “Nurse, a tissue please. No, a normal one. Thanks. I’ll dry the tears on your cheeks now, and then I’ll have to bandage your eyes again. It would be better if you tried to avoid crying. Do you want a tranquilizer?”

  “Rather not.”

  “It’s better that way. Somehow you need to cover the next three days without tears, despite all you went through. No, don’t think about it now. Think of something nice.”

  Of what? Of the sex I’d never have again? Or of the way I’d very, very slowly finish that bastard off? No—the memory of his treatment was unpleasant enough. I didn’t need any more of that.

  My left hand felt a metal ring. No, two—scissors? And another—had the nurse brought two of them? Inconspicuously, I pushed one of them under my buttocks.

  Dandy had to die, so that I could live. He had to die quickly, so that the memory of his death couldn’t haunt me, too—so that he couldn’t continue to destroy my life from out of his grave!

  Reginald and June. Two lovely wonderful thoughts—I can fly!