Her White Lie

by Jackie Walsh

  ‘Lucas, what if this doesn’t go away?’ I say, sauce dripping onto my chin.

  Lucas leans forward and wipes it off with his serviette. ‘Tara, this time next month you’ll be in Australia. This will be history. Those detectives will be history. You didn’t do anything wrong. You need to stop freaking out.’

  I felt guilty listening to Lucas saying I didn’t do anything wrong. I know now I should have told him but I always hoped I could keep my secret locked away. A lot of effort and time went into pushing it to the back of my mind and the thought of releasing it back into the open again frightens me. Will Lucas still want me? Will I end up in prison? I try to hide my fear behind the glass of wine touching my lips. I’m torn between blurting out the whole truth, possibly destroying everything, and saying nothing. I look at Lucas sitting on the opposite side of the table. His mouth is full of food. His head, full of excitement. I can’t ruin it for him.

  ‘I know… I know, but the detectives… I thought they’d have gone away by now.’ I say.

  ‘They will.’

  ‘But why did that woman ring me?’

  ‘I don’t know, Tara. I’m sure it’s a simple explanation. It might even have been a misdialed number. Who knows? You didn’t know her. You didn’t have anything to do with her murder so let it go, Tara. This will all go away. The detectives will find out what happened. Now eat some dinner.’

  The silence that follows is broken only by the sound of the cutlery hitting off the plate. This is not a nice atmosphere and I’m afraid that Lucas will get fed up with my constant panicking. I need to change the subject so I tell him about the surprise visit from Andriu. I don’t mention what Andriu said about Faye in the end because I still can’t get my head around it. Why did he ask me if I thought Faye was involved? Does he think she was involved? Of course she wasn’t – unless Andriu knows something about her that I don’t. Now that I think about it, it was weird the way she ended our friendship when she left Huntley Lodge. At the time I was confused, so full of grief that I didn’t pay any attention to what was happening around me. I thought Faye was leaving to get away from Huntley Lodge and the memories it held of Andriu. I didn’t realise she was leaving me too. That she would never answer my calls or try to see me again. If I had known that she was ending our friendship for good, I would have asked her why. But she never gave me the chance. As time passed, I decided Faye wanted me out of her life because of what we had done? That she needed to forget about that night and I was just a constant reminder. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did.

  I’m telling Lucas he’ll get to meet Andriu on Friday when he comes to Reilly’s pub and I’m almost licking the plate clean, the dinner is so delicious, when the buzzer goes.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Lucas says, slightly annoyed that we’re being disturbed.

  ‘I don’t know.’ Then it hits me. ‘Shit, I forgot to cancel Amy. She was bringing me to the airport to pick up Andriu.’ I swallow the last of my wine and laugh as I go to the intercom to buzz her up.

  ‘The sooner we get to Australia and I can have you all to myself, the better,’ he says. ‘No more Amys or detectives or Andrius interfering in our life.’

  I laugh at his words but something inside me cries. This is really happening. I’m leaving everyone behind. My dad, my friends, my past.

  Well, maybe not the past. I won’t be able to leave that behind. What I’ve done is not going to disappear from my memory just because I get on a plane. Even if it is a twenty-four-hour journey. My past will stay with me. Packed in my head. Baggage that can’t be lost at Heathrow.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Amy arrives through the door with four big bags of stuff hanging from her arms. She plonks the bags onto the sofa before commenting on the lovely smell of food.

  ‘Too late Amy, it’s all gone.’

  I can see her disappointment but she walks into the kitchen area anyway and rubs her finger in the sauce that’s stuck to the bottom of the pan.

  ‘Yum,’ she says, licking more. ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Sorry, Amy. I should have called you, we don’t have to go to the airport; Andriu got an earlier flight.’

  ‘Great,’ she says, without moaning. I would have moaned. But Amy is relaxed, and lives in the moment, a bit like Lucas. I’m glad I asked her to be chief bridesmaid because she has practically organised everything for me. She helped me pick a dress, book the hotel, order the cake, the band, everything really.

  Amy has moved to the bags she brought in with her and is lifting out what looks like dressing gowns. Three silk dressing gowns with ‘Tara’s Wedding’ embroidered on them.

  ‘Amy, they’re gorgeous, where did you get them?’

  ‘Online.’ She then pulls out three pairs of fluffy slippers, one with ‘Bride’ and the other two pairs with ‘Bridesmaids’ stitched onto the front.

  ‘Amy, you’re too good to me, you shouldn’t have.’

  ‘I didn’t.’

  I look at her, waiting for an explanation.

  ‘Your dad rang me and asked me to get something that would make getting ready at his house special.’

  ‘What?’ I swallow hard. Don’t feckin cry again, Tara.

  ‘Yes. He said your mam would have looked after all that for you, so he wanted to make sure it happened exactly as if she were there, the morning of the wedding.’

  My heart is swelling. I turn to Lucas. ‘Lucas, did you see what Dad did?’

  He smiles, nods, then walks to me and kisses my head and I feel blessed, happy, the way I should be feeling the week before my wedding.

  ‘Amy, thank you so much for arranging this for my dad.’

  ‘Are you joking?’ she says. ‘I thought all my Christmases had come together. Shopping… and I didn’t have to pay for it. I loved it. I’m actually thinking of going into business.’

  ‘Well thank you anyway, Amy, you’ve been brilliant.’

  Amy puts her hand out to ward away my inevitable embrace. ‘Don’t thank me yet, I’m only warming up,’ she says, then proceeds to put the gowns and slippers back into their bags.

  ‘Will we take them over now?’ she offers.

  ‘What? I’m not really in the humour of going there now.’ I can see the disappointment in her face so I look to Lucas for guidance. I don’t want to leave him again but soon I won’t be able to go to my dad’s. Lucas winks at me.

  ‘Okay Amy, we’ll go now.’

  * * *

  At long last I’m excited. I’m sitting in the car with Amy, talking through the last few bits and pieces that have to be done before the wedding and I can feel energy and enthusiasm bursting inside me. Amy does that for me. She’s so excited about the wedding it brushes off on me regardless of my worries. This is going to be a great day. Nothing will get in the way of it.

  We discuss the last-minute change that was made to the flowers after seeing the finished bridesmaids’ dresses. Amy reckoned our original choice was too contrasting. We tried to guess who would be wearing what on the day. The fact that it was a winter wedding meant there’d probably be lots of fake fur and woolly dresses. Speeches were discussed and dreaded and we decided on a time for the buffet supper to be dished out. The hotel wanted ten o’clock but Amy told me to stand firm with eleven. Ten was too soon. People wouldn’t be hungry yet, having had their main meal at five.

  When we get to the junction at Glasnevin, Amy switches lanes and once again attracts the howling horn of some unsuspecting driver. I’m going to miss this. Amy, her dreadful driving. Her enthusiasm for life even though she invites death more than most.

  ‘You’re going to have to get real driving lessons, Amy.’

  ‘Why? I’m doing grand. You’re not dead yet, are ya?’

  ‘I know, but I don’t want you ending up in a wheelchair and not being able to visit me when I’m sunbathing on the beach with cocktails and champagne next year.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Tara. It would take a lot more than a wheelchair
to stop me visiting. I might even stay for a year.’

  ‘Really? Are you messing?’

  ‘No, I thought about it. I might go over for a year. If they’ll have me. Don’t I have to get a visa or something?’

  I’m so excited by what Amy is saying I’m forgetting to breathe. It would be like the icing on the cake if I thought she’d come out for a year. I’m nervous about being on my own. I know I have Lucas but it would be so much easier to settle if I thought Amy was going to be there too.

  ‘Oh my God, Amy, don’t say that and not mean it.’

  ‘I do mean it. I might even get an Aussie of my own and stay.’

  I take a deep breath, close my eyes and relax. Everything is going to be okay. Australia is going to be wonderful, even better than I imagined.

  Another car beeps, disturbs my dreaming. Amy lifts her finger and I laugh.

  ‘Please try and stay alive until you get there, Amy,’ I say, thinking to myself: and I’ll try to stay out of prison.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  After a few hours with Amy I am feeling so much better. I return to the apartment positive and eager. I know I’m taking a risk but I’ve decided to tell Lucas about my secret, get it out into the open before he marries me and hope it doesn’t drastically change his opinion of me. I feared it may be a little too heavy for him to carry but now I don’t think so.

  I’m pretty sure he’ll understand. He has a ‘live and let live’ approach to most scenarios so I’m hoping his open-minded attitude can stretch this far. What I’d really love him to say is that he’d have done the same in the circumstances but I can’t expect that of him. Not everyone could have done what I did. What Faye helped me to do. But the man deserves to know one way or the other what kind of woman he’s about to marry.

  When I open the door to our apartment my brave plan is immediately shelved. This is not the right time. Leonard Cohen is moaning from the speakers and the smell of hash hitting me in the face makes me close my eyes, inhale and say, to hell with it. Cohen, hash, and candlelight. There is only one thing going to happen tonight.

  I sit down beside Lucas on the floor, take the smouldering bundle from his fingers and watch the city lights stream into our apartment. Lucas has heard enough crap for one day. I’m not going to add to it tonight. This is our time together. Let there be no more interruptions. Lucas puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. The warmth of his body against mine melts the anxiety that has been building up inside me. I have been so scared since the body was discovered, I’ve been neglecting the one sure thing in my life. Lucas gently squeezes me, letting me know he has me. He cares about me. He loves me. Emotion surges through my body. I can feel us reconnecting.

  We spend half the night making love, passionate, filthy, love.

  * * *

  When I woke this morning I was lying on the floor in the middle of the living room, covered in a throw that Lucas must have draped over my naked body before going to bed.

  The sound of the city slowly cranks into action in the background. I sense the smile on my face and feel like the woman I always wanted to feel like. With my arms stretching out I watch the blue sky brightening in the distance and then I remember: I’ve got to go to the police station later today.

  I can almost feel my body getting heavier at the mere thought of it. More questions. For a brief moment yesterday, I was able to forget about the investigation and concentrate on the wedding without feeling all doom and gloom but that’s gone now. And probably won’t return until those detectives leave me alone. Why are they being so persistent? Do they honestly think I had something to do with it? I wonder if they have spoken to Faye yet and if so, what she told them. Holding the throw around my body I go to where my phone is charging and check to see if there are any calls. I may have missed Faye when I put it on silent last night.

  There’s a couple of texts and WhatsApps but nothing from Faye. I really hope she makes contact today before I go to the station.

  Andriu asked me not to tell the detectives he was staying at Horgan’s Hotel. I’ve to pretend I don’t know where he’s staying and give them his phone number. He said he doesn’t want detectives coming into the lobby and asking for him and I don’t blame him. It’s very intimidating; you feel like the whole world is looking at you thinking you’ve done something dreadfully wrong.

  In the background, I hear Lucas’s alarm buzzing. Still wrapped in the blanket, I hobble to the bedroom to take a shower. Lucas hasn’t reacted to the alarm yet so I go over to his side and kiss him. His eyes flicker open. He smiles.

  ‘Time to get up.’ I press the alarm off before moving into the ensuite. When I drop the blanket onto the ground, I shiver. ‘It’s bloody freezing,’ I say, stepping into the shower.

  ‘Australia can’t come soon enough,’ Lucas shouts from the bedroom, cheering me, reminding me of what’s in store. Heat, sun, beaches. No detectives.

  When I’m ready to leave, I remind Lucas that I have to go to the station after work and because I’m not sure how long I’ll be there I’ll ring him when I get out. He’s forgotten about my having to go to the police station already. I can tell by the way he stalls for a minute before commenting.

  ‘Did you want me to go with you, Tara? I can leave work and… what station is it?’

  ‘No Lucas, I don’t want you there. It’s bad enough I have to go and Sean the solicitor will be coming with me so you’d just be left waiting.’

  ‘Okay, if you’re sure.’ Lucas walks over to me. I’m zipping up my jacket when he puts his arms around me and says, ‘Don’t let them bully you, Tara.’ He squeezes me before letting go and I feel stronger all of a sudden. Like he’s transmitted some of his confidence to me.

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘And don’t let them lock you up before the wedding.’ He laughs at his own humour before disappearing into the ensuite.

  * * *

  The air is crisp and cold when I leave the building to walk to work. With my scarf pulled up over my mouth, I walk down the quays tossing every possible question the detectives might ask me around in my head. I need to stay focused and not let them distract me from keeping my eye on the ball. There are things I cannot say, things they must not know. I will lie if I have to.

  Muriel calls me into the back of the shop as soon as I arrive. She has some news for me; I can tell by the width of her eyes. It’s not often I see her this excited so I’m expecting it to be good, or at the very least helpful in some way.

  ‘She had her troubles.’

  ‘What? Who?’

  ‘Avril Ryan.’

  I can’t move quickly enough for Muriel so she grabs me by the arm and practically drags me closer to her. There’s no one in the cafe and yet she’s talking rapidly and low like she has some big secret she wants no one else to hear.

  ‘I spoke to Eamon. Allegedly, Avril Ryan had been in trouble a few years before she disappeared. The brother wasn’t able to tell him precisely what it was because he didn’t know exactly – or at least he wasn’t willing to tell Eamon if he did. What he did tell Eamon was that Avril had just gotten her life back to normal when she disappeared. Something to do with a very bad relationship she was in. The man took her for every penny she had. Stole her confidence as well as her future. The poor girl ended up having a nervous breakdown but dropped the charges against him for some reason. Then they think she got mixed up in drugs or something like that.’

  Muriel sticks her head out to see if anyone is waiting at the counter before continuing. ‘Of course, this was all said with a lot more emotion and sympathy than I’m telling you now. Eamon said the brother was in an awful state. The whole family were.’

  I’m listening intently but I’m still at a loss as to how Muriel thinks this will help me.

  ‘Well, don’t you think…’ She looks at me, waiting for me to be enlightened about something. Then she whispers, ‘Do you think you might suggest to the detectives that it was maybe…’ She checks once more no one has arr
ived before whispering, ‘Maybe the poor girl took her own life, Tara. She had a history of mental health issues and…’ She pauses, then turns away and walks out to the front of the shop saying, ‘That’s what Eamon found out anyway. I hope it’s of use to you.’

  I don’t want to burst Muriel’s bubble by telling her there was a large heavy steel lid that Avril would have had to close after she jumped into the ten foot pit, so I follow her out to the shop and thank her for finding out what she could for me.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Sean pushes on the door of the station and tells me once again not to be nervous, that this is all just procedure. I get some strength from making eye contact with his relaxed expression but not enough to unravel the knot in my stomach. He tells me to wait while he goes to the reception and announces who he is and who he’s there to see. Then he nods at me to come with him through a door that someone clicks open for us.

  On the way over, I told Sean what Muriel had said but he assured me it was not my responsibility to uncover the events that led to Avril Ryan’s death. He said he’d see what he could find out if there was a court case but that rumours and scenarios would be rife in this situation. The best thing I could do was ignore anything I heard that didn’t come from a reliable source. I didn’t want to tell him I considered her brother a reliable source because that would make me look ungrateful. And I’m not ungrateful. I’m extremely grateful he’s helping me.

  Sean has been here before. He knows exactly where to go without any instructions. He leads me down a corridor, opens a door and next thing I know I’m sitting in front of a large desk with Sean beside me. Detective Lee and Detective Mullins stare across from the other side of the desk. There’s a file open in front of them but I can’t read any of it from where I’m sitting.