J R

by William Gaddis

  —No this job, the people I talked to in New York today about . . .

  —Job. What job, you’re going to model?

  —No it’s in the area of, in the management area, he said to the reflection over the droop of his own shoulder where she was blowing up the inflatable belt that now bridled her thighs.—Executive decision making in the . . .

  —Before and after, you could model before.

  —De, decision making, he said to one side, and the other, catching reflections of her exercise over each shoulder.—Role playing, the use of role playing in teaching de, de, the decision making . . .

  —So you’re going to stand there all night and make faces at yourself in the mirror? she said, and dropped from sight.

  —Mama what’s the matter!

  —Go to bed Nora.

  —Daddy what’s Mama doing on the floor with that . . .

  —I said go to bed! She sat up.—It’s like Grand Central station. Can’t you go in and use the bathroom mirror?

  —It stinks in there Mama. Daddy can you come plug Donny in?

  —Go to bed I said! My God, roll play . . . She got the belt off and mounted her bed.—Roll play.

  He stared into the mirror and then turned slowly to her seated bolt upright, knees yawning as she brought her feet up soles together.—But you, you see what I mean about them seeing things, they . . .

  —Seeing things! She nested her heels,—it’s about time they saw things, you and your roll playing it’s about time they saw some of that. She thinks sex is bumblebees spraying dandelines . . .

  —But she’s only . . .

  —Only going to grow up as dumb as I was when I met you about things you’re even dumber about, where do you want her to learn on the bathroom wall? And do you think you could stop that for a while? I can’t do my breathing with you making faces out of the corner of my eye.

  On another face, his grimace might have signaled the decision to raze Carthage, turning from the mirror to find under her emptied brassiere Role Therapy and the Decision Making Process, huddled marking a margin and erasing that to mark one elsewhere already roughened by erasure, sheltering, once undressed, covert expressions of command, disdain, appeal and magnanimity by turn behind a knee raised underneath the blanket, with now and then among them one of quite candid stealth to where in hard-nippled profile she sat bolt upright with no sign of breathing whatsoever, as she was next morning when he sprawled for the alarm, no sign she’d closed her eyes or moved at all but the pillowslip smudged freely with mascara, disdain, command and magnanimity freed to flee cheaply framed above the spattered basin where he coursed them, shaved and wiped them fresh in the bathroom mirror to pursue their shuddering fragments in the rear view oval while he warmed the car and abandon them there with its halt at the Post Office, where the door banged behind him.

  —Hi Mister di look out hey, holy . . .

  —He didn’t even see me boy did you see that hey?

  —What you spilled both of ours? holy . . .

  —What do you mean I spilled them he smashed right into me.

  —Okay quick help pick them up before he walks all over them here he comes again, I mean holy shit I can’t hardly tell what I’m sending from what I’m getting wait pile it in the middle hey, like how am I supposed to mail this . . . he blew at the footprint and then smudged it permanently with the heel of his hand across Defense LOgistics S eRvices Center, Battle Creek Mich, did the same with Dow Thoery Forecast as nailbitten fingers tore open a plain wrapper beside him.—Look out hey be careful, I’m suppose to have this check in here someplace . . .

  —Wait that what’s that, give it here.

  —Hello, it’s Mary Lou honey, here to say hello and bring you a sample cause I know you’ve shown an interest in ordering fotos of chicks posing in the buff . . .

  —Okay come on give it here hey what’s that, with the Canadian stamp give me it for the stamp hey?

  —What do you mean give you it.

  —You got it free didn’t you? It’s just this paper in here anyway.

  —That’s how much you know boy, it’s this here debenture.

  —Debenture shit, you don’t even know what that is.

  —What do you mean it says right on it look, Alberta and Western Power Company Series B Debenture . . .

  —Okay so what’s that supposed to be.

  —That’s this word I couldn’t think of it that time I’m getting this whole bunch of them look out, what are you ripping.

  —I’m just ripping the stamp off it.

  —What’s so great about some dumb Canadian stamp.

  —You collect them for a stamp collection what do you think, like some day they’re really worth something boy they’re worth more than this crap what’s this one, Ace Development Corporation where’d you send for this crap anyway.

  —What do you think I got it off some broker, this Mister Wall like in Wall Street only he’s at California there’s this here ad someplace wait, it said aggressive growth opportun . . .

  —Wall like at Wall Street boy I never heard such . . .

  —Okay what’s so funny about that, I mean there’s this here big broker called Kidder something and this one Hornblower and somebody boy I mean if people would go buy stock off somebody called Hornblow . . .

  —No but look this says a thousand shares like how could you buy a thousand shares . . .

  —Because it’s real cheap what do you think.

  —Okay if it’s so cheap so what good is it.

  —Because they didn’t find these here virgin minerals yet that’s all, there’s this here free booklet they . . .

  —Wait that’s mine that National Rifle Associa . . .

  —So is this, the New Look in an Artificial Penis! No harness! No straps! Exciting sizes boy you talk about me sending away for crap, regulations and good taste prohibit vivid and detailed . . .

  —Okay give it here, who said I sent away they just sent it to me here, here’s your dumb booklet Frozen Fresh Boneless Beef Futures you don’t even know what that is.

  —So why do you think I sent for it that’s . . .

  —Wait there’s something stuck in it what . . .

  —Hi Hon, Ops pardon my back but I couldn’t think of a better way to introduce myself, ’course this sample doesn’t do me justice but I’ve got a jumbo set posed to show off my thirty-eights, twenty-threes and . . .

  —Okay keep it wait what’s . . .

  —What do you mean keep it it says Hyde right on the envelope look, only five dollars sugar course you gotta be twenty-one years old or over okay!!! Boy what a, hey wait that little package give it here.

  —How do you know whose . . .

  —Because look it says right here to Mister JR . . .

  —Okay but it says class six J, it just says your name sec open it.

  —What do you think I’m doing.

  —What’s wait, what’s it a clock? Who wants to send us a clock from let’s see hey, from this bank at Nevada? How come they send us a clock.

  —You get to pick this here free gift when you start this bank account there, what’s wrong with that.

  —No but how come it says class six J then it’s all of ours, I mean does Mrs Joubert know you’re doing this hey?

  —Why shouldn’t I, I mean she’s out sick half the time now anyway what . . .

  —No but how can you just go start some bank account at Nevada without . . .

  —You just cut out this little coupon in the newspaper and send it in with . . .

  —No but I mean you’re supposed to be twenty . . .

  —What like with this here Mary Lou honey you’re suppose to be twenty-one and over? I mean how does she know any more than this dumb bank at Nevada all she knows she gets this five dollars off you for her jumbo set so you’re twenty-one and over, what’s the difference of her and this here bank someplace. I mean where Glancy gave us about modern banking would be impossible without the wonders of the computer see all these electric numbers
down here? I mean like this here Mary Lou gets your five dollars why should they give a shit if you’re a hundred wait give me that, boy I been looking for that . . .

  —It’s mine it’s probably my . . .

  —What do you mean yours give me it.

  —It says Department of the Army what would you be doing with Dep, wait let me see what it’s, boy, boy are you going to get in trouble.

  —Why should I get in trouble it’s this here deal, give me it.

  —I mean who cares about this other crap these boneless futures and debuntures and all that crap but you better not shit around with the Army boy.

  —That’s how much you know, move your . . .

  —You don’t call picnic forks shitting around with the U S Army boy they get some wise guy that writes to them about picnic forks you think that’s what they do at the Army go for picnics?

  —How do I know what they do at the Army look move your elbow, I got it right out of that spot bid catalogue I traded off you to send in for where the Navy got all these new plastic ones so they like spot bid these here wooden surplus ones real cheap for anybody that wants, so this here business opportunities thing the Army’s putting out all these here contracts where one of them’s picnic forks so . . .

  —What a bunch of crap boy, if the Army wants them so much why don’t they just go buy them off the Navy why should they want you in the middle of it.

  —How do I know that’s just how you do it move your elbow will you? Let me get this here envelope out . . .

  —Yeah well you better watch out boy they’ll the both of them boot your ass when they find out I mean look at this, this here Major Sheets Procurement Officer you think he’s going to believe some letter he gets with a footprint all over it? Forks, picnic, wooden, nine thousand gr I never saw such crap, what’s gr supposed to be.

  —How do I know it’s probably green, you just copy off how the Navy says it and say that to the Army is it my fault if they all talk backwards there . . .? he blew at the envelope and then wiped at Defense SurplUs SAles Office, Fleet Station SanD iego Cal with his sleeve.

  —Look at that boy even if it gets there you think they’re even going to open it?

  —They have to, what do you think they just open what they want? Besides what do they care what it looks like, I mean you think Mary Lou honey gives a shit if there’s this footmark on the envelope if money’s in it?

  —Okay but how come you got enough to buy nine thousand wooden gr forks off them anyway, you . . .

  —Because that’s not what you do you just send this here percent, you make this here bid and send them this here percent of . . .

  —Okay where you getting the rest of it then.

  —Off the bank . . . he licked and pounded an envelope,—where do you think.

  —What like you walk in and say Mister Whiteback I just need some money to buy this bunch of wooden gr pic . . .

  —I wouldn’t borrow off him boy you know what they do there? Like they say they pay this lousy four and a half percent on savings what those cheap shits never tell you they pay it on your lowest balance the whole quarter so you put like this thousand dollars in for awhile then you take out like nine fifty so you get like a fourth of this lousy four and a half percent of like fifty dollars while they been out loaning around this here thousand all the time it was . . .

  —So what you think they’re going to loan it to you? Just because you get a free clock off some bank at Nevada boy you walk in there they won’t loan you shit wait what’s that hey, give it here . . .

  —Deluxe portable vibrator can be taken anywhere in pocket or purse for portable pleasure, a perfect gift for . . .

  —Can I help it if they just sent me it?

  —They just sent you this too then, here. Here comes another first in the marital relations field, the vibropenis . . .

  —Okay come on hey . . .

  —Look I’m trying to put all your crap over here and you keep getting it mixed up with mine again that eagle thing, right under there with the eagle on give it here . . .

  —What this? What’s . . .

  —Give it here.

  —What is it some more debunture crap? What’s this here thousand in the corner shares?

  —Dollars boy that’s how much you know, it’s this here bond.

  —What you paid a thousand dollars for a bond? I bet boy . . .

  —That’s the whole thing you get them real cheap because they owe all this here interest.

  —Who does, they owe who.

  —Me, this here Eagle Mills they owe me.

  —A thousand dollars?

  —Plus all this here interest.

  —I bet boy let’s see, look, look they don’t owe you shit look, it says right here Eagle Mills hereinafter called the Company, a corporation of the states of New York and . . .

  —Come on give it here.

  —No look it says it right here look, for value received hereby promises to pay to Selma Krupskaya or registered assigns at its office in Union Falls there, see? They owe it to this here Selma crap whatever her name is they don’t owe you shit.

  —That’s how much you know look on the back, no down here where it’s stamped, there’s my name where I’m this here registered assign see? So what they owed this here Selma now they owe it to me.

  —Try and get it look it’s stamped all over the place, somebody just wrote your name on so you’re this here registered asshole you mean who’s going to believe you paid any thousand dollars for it.

  —Who said I did, like that’s the whole thing where they didn’t pay this here interest all this time so you get to buy them for like seven or eight cents for the dollar I’m getting this whole bunch of them boy, then you’ll . . .

  —With what.

  —With this here picnic forks deal what do you think . . . he was jamming papers into the torn zipper.

  —You already got one don’t you? Why should you get a whole bunch of them hey look what time it is . . .

  —Because they’re real cheap what do you think!

  —Boy I never saw such a, I mean this here Major Sheets suppose he even buys all these forks off you so you’ve got all this money to buy stuff, who wants to buy this crap all these pieces of paper when you could buy . . .

  —Because that’s what you do! he brought a sweater sleeve up across his nose,—what do you think it means money working for you to . . .

  —Working shit, all this . . .

  —Wait a second wait, this here booklet I was looking for look. Prospectus one million shares, Ace Development Company look.

  —At what. It’s a bunch of trees.

  —Yeah well they have all these mineral rights to explore for these here virgin minerals see that? where it says stretching as far as the eye can see boy when they find these here virgin min . . .

  —They won’t find shit, how can they find anything with all these here trees in the way hurry up hey, it’s time. They have to knock all these here trees down before they even can . . .

  —Hold the door a second . . .

  —I mean all this crap you’re getting you keep saying because it’s real cheap so why should it be worth anything, I mean if it’s worth anything why should somebody want to give it to you real cheap boy what a stink, I thought they finished all this asphalt Friday. I mean you better find somebody that knows about all this crap before you get in trouble.

  —Okay who said I wasn’t.

  —Who, like Mrs Joubert? You just said you . . .

  —How am I suppose to ask her, you go ask some broker that’s what they do.

  —Like who Mister Wall at Wall Street? He sells you crap so you expect him to tell you it’s crap?

  —Look quit saying it’s crap will you? I mean that’s how much you know besides he’s at California anyway, didn’t you ever hear of these ads like on the radio and all where they say come in and let us review the contents of your portforlio?

  —Who like that guy we saw with all the heads? so you’re walki
ng in there and saying good morning sir I would like you to review the contents of my portforlio then you dump out this bunch of crap? hey . . .? Wait up what’s the matter . . .

  —Because that’s not what you do! You get somebody to help you out, like some business representative . . .

  —Who, why should he help you out anyway who . . .

  —Like you get somebody to do anything you pay them! what do you think . . .

  —Okay who. You got somebody? hey? Because boy you’re going to get in trouble going around loaning money for these here forks and all, just because you been reading up all these here little books since we went to that dumb field trip before that we used to have this neat time trading boy but now everything’s . . .

  —Okay so what am I suppose to do! he kicked up a burst of leaves before him, stopped there to shift his armload—go around selling like those free cosmetic samples with those matchbooks in these here shoes which they’re a mile too big? or like that thing I got train at home for this exciting motel career or do import export at the privacy of your own home? I mean these funny hours my mother’s always working how do I know when she’s going to walk in, like I mean this here bond and stock stuff you don’t see anybody you don’t know anybody only in the mail and the telephone because that’s how they do it nobody has to see anybody, you can be this here funny lookingest person that lives in a toilet someplace how do they know, I mean like all those guys at the Stock Exchange where they’re selling all this stock to each other? They don’t give a shit whose it is they’re just selling it back and forth for some voice that told them on the phone why should they give a shit if you’re a hundred and fifty all they . . .

  —Look out hey you’re dropping . . .

  —Wait the clock quick, get the clock, just till we get to my locker okay?

  —You turning it in?

  —Why should I turn it in, I got it didn’t I?

  —Okay but it says class six J right on it boy wait till Mrs Joubert finds out, she’ll boot your . . .

  —How’s she supposed to find out anything, you think she’s going to be over at Nevada?

  —Okay but if it says class six J on this here account you started over there boy you better . . .