J R

by William Gaddis

  —No but look hey I mean holy, I mean this isn’t any popularity contest hey. Besides what could they do?

  —Well they could, they could quit they could . . .

  —Okay well then see we wouldn’t have to fire anybody because that’s mostly what costs so much anyway is all these here people, you know? See because if we could like get them out of there and get this here new machinery I read this thing where you get this new machinery which then you divide how long will it take to wear out into how much did it cost you which then you get to take that off taxes too see? Only the neat thing is see they let you like pretend it’s going to wear out two or three times as fast so you’re getting this big bunch of tax credits right off, they call it depreciated acceleration or something only the thing is you can’t do it with people see so . . .

  —Depreciated acceleration, you don’t know what it means it doesn’t mean anything, you . . .

  —So why should I have to know exactly what it means? The contents of the portfolio came dumped abruptly to the radiator top—I mean why should we pay this here lawyer to know something if we already know it? and he stooped to the floor for an envelope smudged with penciled notes.

  —Did you send away for him too?

  —Didn’t I tell you how we got him hey? See when I thought we might get screwed on . . .

  —And will you stop saying we? I wasn’t even . . .

  —I know, I forgot to tell you how we got him, see I just read all these job ads in the Times till I found one of this company which sounded real professional see so I copied it and put in my box number instead, this here Mister Piscator didn’t you get this letter from him? Because this is just this here carbon copy he sent me of it when I told him on the telephone he should write all this stuff to you at the office because you were handling it there for me like this branch, you know? So when he says he can get all these figures on Eagle Mills off their accountants for those ideas you got me off that smartass broker with all the heads which hey I meant to tell you, you know he said I’d never see a nickel on this Alberta and Western debenture? Well right after they put out another one called series C I got this here interest payment on series B if he’s so smart. And like he told you Ace was like toilet paper the price of it just doubled right after this progress report that said they expect to pay this dividend and they offered me twenty cents a share which I only paid like ten for so I got this whole bunch more, I mean I’d like to know how many stocks he’s got which their price doubles that quick boy. Anyway you didn’t bring this here letter from Piscator?

  —No I didn’t even . . .

  —Okay that’s okay because I got this here copy, see so anyway remember where he says all this stuff about generating cash and leasebacks and hey look, see? Where it says accelerated depreciation? When I just said that you said it didn’t mean anything?

  —Well that’s not what you said, you said . . .

  —I did too, I said . . .

  —No you didn’t, you said something like . . .

  —I did too.

  —You . . . Somewhere behind him a toilet flushed.—Look, all of this is just . . .

  —No no okay don’t get mad, I mean look remember here where he says from premil, preliminary figures their net worth is in the neighborhood of eight hundred twenty-six mil, wait where’s the dot, thousand rather, thousand dollars of which an estimated six hundred forty thousand dollars is in the net property account which once he sees these tax assessments and stuff you were supposed to get off Hopper . . .

  —This is what I’ve been trying to give you for the last five minutes, here. Now will you . . .

  —Hey is this stuff about this pension fund in here too hey? He tore open the soiled manila envelope—see because if Eagle Mills is so old this here pension fund ought to be real old too see so . . .

  —Wait till you see your employees.

  —What do you mean?

  —I mean did it ever occur to you that a lot of them might be getting real old along with everything else?

  —So what.

  —So instead of accelerated depreciation and a whole bunch of tax credits they’re almost ready to retire and draw their pensions, what do you think a pension fund is for.

  —Oh yeah . . . he wedged a sneaker into the radiator to shape a precarious lap where he shook out the papers,—I didn’t think of that, see because we have to work something to like pry loose some cash like Piscator says here so we can . . .

  —Stop it look what kind of a lawyer do you expect to get in the mail anyhow, these people who’ve worked all their lives for miserable wages so they can finally retire on a miserable pension and this, this Piscator thinks you can take that too?

  —No wait hey, see that’s not the . . .

  —I don’t want to hear it, just let me settle these expenses and get out of the whole idiotic . . .

  —No but wait a second hey, I mean who’s taking it off them? Because like what good is this here pension fund doing just sitting there if we can like put it to work for them to get this here acquisition, you know?

  —No and I don’t . . .

  —Right here on the next page where he says about getting this acquisition of this here brewery.

  —There’s no brewery it’s a textile mill, now look here’s the list of expenses I . . .

  —No it’s this acquisition of it off these two old brothers in wait a second, Wisconsin or Minneapolis or someplace . . .

  —No now stop, just stop for a minute! This, this whole thing has to stop somewhere don’t you understand that?

  —No but holy, I mean that’s the whole thing Bast otherwise what good is this neat tax loss carryforward and all these here tax credits and all, I mean that’s all Eagle is and see where Piscator says here Eagle probably has this here limited charter so they can’t buy this brewery but if the pension fund could like buy the brewery stock and the dividends could go right in it and cut down what the company has to put in see then we . . .

  —Stop it! Look aren’t things in enough of a mess with a broken down textile mill without getting into a broken down brewery?

  —What do you mean broken down! I mean holy, I mean you sound like you didn’t hardly read this at all I mean they have these earnings of like a million dollars a year look, and where it says two million dollars in excess working capital see? where the asking price is five, seven two six, one three . . .

  —But five that’s, look that’s five million, that’s five million dollars! It’s just, even if it wasn’t just numbers on paper do you think there’s five million dollars in the whole town of Union Falls?

  —I know see that’s why we have to work some deal where it isn’t all cash because like if we . . .

  —All right look, look if somebody had something with two dollars already in it and it earned a dollar a week why would he want to sell it for five dollars? In three weeks you . . .

  —No but see that’s earnings before taxes that’s the whole thing, I mean didn’t you read this part Bast? See because like if you can put it all together and write off all these here losses of Eagle against all these profits of like this here brewery then you get to keep them, I mean like otherwise you get screwed out of everything by these taxes like these two old brothers see they had all these profits which they didn’t collect them on account of this here tax so now when they do collect them they’d have this tremendous tax which is this undistributed profits tax, see? See so now they’re scared if one of them dies the other would really get screwed, but if they just sell the whole thing then all they have to pay is this here capital gains tax which is only like a half of a half, I mean don’t you even remember this part hey?

  —No.

  —But how come because holy, I mean this is the whole . . .

  —Because I didn’t read it, I didn’t read any of it. I didn’t even open it. Now if you’ll just . . .

  —But, but holy, but I mean how come you didn’t even open it?

  —Because when I came back from that trip la
st night there was mail everywhere letters, magazines, books I haven’t even . . .

  —Wait what about one from X-L Lithograph Company, I mean was there this letter from . . .

  —I told you I don’t know! I don’t know what any of it is I, do you think I came in and sat right down over that pile of trash in the middle of look, a friend of mine had just had an accident when I came in if I’d been there, if I’d been there when he . . .

  —No but holy shit Bast this is serious, I mean like I’m sorry about your friend and all but holy shit this is like five million dollars and I mean where I’m paying your expenses for like this here trip and helping you out so you can . . .

  —I did what I said I’d do didn’t I! I went up there and settled this thing to help you out just this once didn’t I?

  —Okay sure but . . .

  —Like this trash I took in and showed Mister Crawley to help you out just this once didn’t I?

  —No but you said you had to go see him anyway and besides, I mean I paid half your train and subway and all or you couldn’t even have went in and . . .

  —All right yes but just because something’s gone wrong every time I’ve come out for that school check so I could pay you back the ten dollars from that field trip you . . .

  —Okay but like is it my fault if they keep screwing up your check and all? And I mean like I’m advancing you these expenses like this here whole fifty dollars to help out for your . . .

  —All right! Look that’s all I want to get straightened out here, I’ve got exactly ninety-four cents that money wasn’t to help out for my anything, it was expenses for this trip, I’ve got them all written down I mean I’m the one who’s been doing everything while you sit here picking your nose talking about five million dollars now . . .

  —No but holy, I mean listen I’m the one that has to figure things up and like make these here decisions with these risks and all like I mean I barely made it boy, getting this here stockholder suit money in this one account to borrow against in this here other one to get all these forks shipped to pay for all these here bonds which I’d already sent away for them where these here brokers start . . .

  —That’s what I’m talking about! You send away for this, send away for that, you send away for a lawyer you get into one mess and ask me to help you out just this once and while I’m up there trying to straighten it out you’re sending away for a brewery and I don’t know what, I’m trying to get you out of trouble and you’re just making it bigger with all this, this paper, these numbers on paper and this nonsense about leasebacks and depreciated whatever it is, you ask me to help you out just this once and . . .

  —But what am I suppose to do! his foot came to the floor and he got the other one free of the radiator,—I mean who asked them for their lousy mills? All I did was buy these bonds for this here investment and mind my own business and then they turn around and dump all these wrecked up buildings and people and stuff on me and what do they expect me to do, build them a park? I mean holy shit . . . he ripped a paper towel down and worked it at his nose,—I have this here investment which I have to protect it don’t I? And I mean you’re so sorry for all these old people with this here stock they got in exchange for their bonds which they’d bought them for this investment just like I did so what about them? I mean this broker says convert my preferred stock to common and buy more common so I can do something to protect my thing there let them have the preferred because all chey give a shit about is will they get their dividends anyway, so like how are they going to get them if we just keep paying everybody to play softball and sing Stout Hearted Men and then some smartass comes along and screws us with a stockholder’s suit, I mean holy shit Bast . . . He took the paper towel away from his nose and stared into it,—I mean I’m just trying to protect their investment too, you know?

  —But it has to stop somewhere! can’t you understand that? Can’t you just let your mail order lawyer straighten out this Eagle Mills without talking about buying breweries and . . .

  —No but that’s the thing! he wadded the towel and dropped it.—You can’t . . . and he kicked it toward the radiator,—I mean like when we went on that field trip where that Diamond Cable Company the president of it said if you’re playing you might as well play to win but you can’t just might as well, he came on skating the towel wad across the floor, gave it a slap shot with his instep.—You can’t just play to play because the rules are only for if you’re playing to win which that’s the only rules there are.

  —All right then look. I said I’d help you out just this once and I did, now you can go ahead with this Mister Piscator you’ve got. You and Mister Piscator can get out there and play to win.

  —No but I can’t just go out there and meet him hey!

  —Out where . . .

  —Out by the Egyptian stuff see we had in school where they have this Egyptian tomb and all here so I told Piscator you’re like real interested in Egypt and I thought after we went over all this Eagle stuff from your trip you could just bump into him there like, see and then you and him could go up to the office and, and what’s the matter hey. Hey Bast?

  —What.

  —Well see I thought if you’ll help me out again just this once till things get going like with Piscator and wait wait don’t get mad hey because see like I’ve only talked to him on the telephone which that doesn’t work so good because when I stuff this handkerchief in it to make me sound bigger he says he can’t hardly understand me, so see like I wrote all this stuff down . . . he had the attaché case open and snapped down a flap in its cover where pages of coarse composition paper lay filled margin to margin in thick lead pencil.—See it won’t take you long because it’s just all these little things only you have to have a lawyer to do them, like if we want to open a business account at the bank he has to get us this here business certificate off the state of New York, and then this here is I was thinking of if we want to get incorporated on the side like what do we have to do. See and then here’s this stuff about this X-L Lithograph thing we were just talking about see we can figure out these expenses now and like how much you still owe me and if you still need more for expenses ahead of time if you can help me out again just this once? I mean like all I’ve done for you like getting to take this trip and staying at this here hotel and this banquet you went to and all those softball games and getting your picture in the paper and all . . .

  —No no stop, stop I . . .

  —And like this here attaché case I got you with these gold initials on and that neat alarm clock and I mean I go get all these here business cards printed up for you and I call up that Virginia and fix it up where you get her to take telephone calls at that cafet . . .

  —Look these aren’t my initials! and that, that clock it runs backwards I have to stop and do arithmetic whenever I want to know what time it is look I hate softball, don’t you understand that? I don’t want my picture on the front page of the Weekly Messenger can’t you understand that? Getting to stay at that broken down Union House the rug was so filthy you couldn’t even, you had to put a quarter in the radio to make it play and that banquet! Sitting across from that Bunky eating a banana stuffed with, he spent three years in eighth grade the newspaper didn’t mention that did it I mean getting to take this trip, do you know how long the bus takes to Union Falls? Because you wouldn’t pay for a plane ticket you wouldn’t even pay for the train who asked you to get a thousand business cards printed, business representive with footmarks on them who asked you to subscribe to Textile World and . . .

  —No but wait a second hey I mean, I mean where we were going to like try and help each other out and I’m advancing these expenses and figuring up paying you without . . .

  —Paying me what! Look if we can just settle these expense . . .

  —No but I mean where I’m getting you all this different stock see? Only you get this here mail which you don’t even open it up I mean what am I supposed to do! I mean where I’m trying to help you out and you don�
��t even . . .

  —All right look there was, what was it a share of some gas company one share what’s that supposed to . . .

  —No but that’s one of them hey I mean that’s what I been trying to tell you! This El Paso Natural Gas I got you it cost like twelve fifty see that’s the . . .

  —You mean you spent, why didn’t you just give me the money! What good one share of . . .

  —No but then you get taxed like this regular income and I mean it’s not just this here one share, I mean I’m getting you this bunch of different ones like this here bonus see so . . .

  —But why! If I just have to turn around and sell them what . . .

  —No but you can’t Bast I mean that’s what I’m trying to tell you! I mean if you’d read up these here booklets where I find out all this stuff see if you go right and sell it you get taxed like this salary where you’re some dumb teacher or bus driver or something you know? Only with this stock this here whole first hundred dollars of dividends is excludable see like El Paso, they pay twenty-five cents a quarter wait . . . he was sifting the heap on the radiator—look, International Paper they pay fifty cents, U S Steel sixty cents see you get to add these all up to this hundred dollars that’s excludable, see like Disney pays . . .

  —But from what! excludable from what! Fifty cents sixty cents what are you buying one share of this one share of that what . . .

  —No but look hey listen, I mean like if we went and got one bunch of shares like U S Steel see then you just get this here literture off U S Steel like this one annual report and quarterly report and proxy statements and like where they’re in some law thing and all, see but if you own this here one share of all different places they still have to send you all this here literture see so I was thinking, I mean see you could read up so if one of them was like screwing up someplace maybe we could get this here stockholder suit going like at Diamond Cable I mean like Disney boy wouldn’t that be neat hey? I mean if we could get them by the short hair and . . .