J R

by William Gaddis

  —Jack shut up! We’ve got to . . .

  —Look how the hell do you expect me to read this whole God damned thing to Mister Beamish without filling him in on the facts, ever see Schramm’s Western Beamish? Wrote a movie Western didn’t even have his name on it, point is he’s out there hanging on waiting for orders to fall back that never came from the Lord and this God damned general radioed him was a God damned lie, comes out saying he won the bet and . . . wait what the hell are you doing, expect me to read this whole thing to Mister . . .

  —I don’t Jack! Damn it I don’t expect you to read anything to anybody now put . . . put it, down . . .!

  —Mister Eigen perhaps we should wait and meet at my . . .

  —Tom you’re spilling everything all over the God damned wait, wait that red book . . . and he was down among papers and dried teabags, dried squares of bandage—lent it to him five years ago never knew what happened to it wait, just read you this part Beamish give you a real insight into . . .

  —Jack that’s enough God damn it! Here, give me . . .

  —Wait you’re ripping it, what do you . . .

  —Well then put it down damn it and . . . he caught a picture falling from its pages—who the, look at this, who’s this.

  —Never saw Schramm’s mother Tom?

  —Schramm’s, her? No, but who . . .

  —Ask fam’s schrammly lawyer Tom, that Mrs Schramm Beamish?

  —Yes I, I believe it is but not Mister Schramm’s ah, mother of course, his father’s second wife yes, I believe she married him just a few years before he died . . .

  —Real number Tom, really see how she made the old man’s mickey stand for him can’t you Beamish . . .

  —Well she, she was a good many years his junior yes, even younger than your friend Mister Schramm himself but . . .

  —See why Schramm felt like Hippolytus turned backwards can’t you, get a hand on that raw lung see how Schramm felt can’t you.

  —Yes I, I understand their relations were never entirely cordial but at this stage of course matters involving his estate will make it necessary to, I have some papers right here for her to sign in fact, I’d expected to drop them off but I’ll be out of town for a few days and . . .

  —Where is she.

  —Right there in the east Sixties somewhere but it’s getting rather late and I . . .

  —Here I’ll take them, I can drop them off.

  —Be very helpful if you would Mister Eigen, the address is right on it and it might help expedite matters, I know she is anxious to see things settled . . .

  —Don’t blame her, get her hands on all that God damned money see how long she’s been waiting for it there where her crupper’s beginning to sag can’t you, hand that cup down will you? Probably more God damned surprised than anybody the way Schramm pulled out and left the whole God damned thing in her lap.

  —Well she, of course she was shocked at the manner in which he met his death Mister Gibbs but ah, after all she’s quite comfortably off even without this trust portion in the estate reverting to her and I hardly think . . .

  —She’s the one in such a God damned hurry to convert everything into cash isn’t she?

  —I wouldn’t really put it that way Mister Gibbs no, in fact if a sale can be arranged I’m the one who suggested it as the most expedient way of settling the estate. There are a number of modest bequests to be taken care of like these to your and Mister Eigen ’s children but quite aside from that the company’s profit picture has been steadily on the loss side and I wouldn’t say Mrs Schramm really had a, has a head for business she’s not really . . .

  —Tell you what she’s got a head for Tom, where’s that picture.

  —Shut up Jack, while we’re on it Mister Beamish these bequests, if they’re made directly to the children how do we . . .

  —Yes unfortunately Mister Eigen, Mister Schramm drew up his will without the help of an attorney and since the children are minors the bequests can’t go to them directly without . . .

  —Point is Beamish . . . came from the floor now near a battered chest of drawers,—three shirts here never been worn, point is Mister Eigen’s afraid his wife will step in to help and the boy will never see a nickel, what’s your neck size?

  —Yes unfortunately if Mister Schramm had simply left the bequests to you in trust to be spent at your discretion on the children’s education it wouldn’t be necessary to . . .

  —Point is I’m afraid of the same God damned thing, says it’s to be used for the kid’s education she’d buy a swimming pool and say it’s to teach swimming . . .

  —No I don’t think you need fear . . .

  —Buy a fur coat say the kid’s learning to be a trapper . . .

  —Jack shut up, what . . .

  —Yes well since the shares in question would probably not qualify under the prudent man rule, once you’ve obtained letters of guardianship and been bonded in order to take possession and furnished the judicial accounting required to sell them, the proceeds . . .

  —But wait how long does, how do you furnish a judicial accounting if you don’t even . . .

  —Get a lawyer Tom, right Beamish? Always find a lawyer glad to oblige for a small consideration, only talking about a couple of thousand dollars for each kid anyway aren’t we Beamish?

  —Yes I, I believe it’s something in that neighborhood . . .

  —Neighborhood everybody lives there’s lawyers right Beamish? Go to court with your judicial accounting, get your letters, get bonded, finally aren’t any God damned proceeds point the whole God damned problem’s the decline from status to contract right Beamish? Whole God damned problem right?

  —Well there are ah, of course certain legal expenses are involved but ah, once you and Mister Eigen have yourselves declared your children’s legal guardians and the proceeds are deposited in a court approved bank account administered jointly by yourselves and the Surrogate . . .

  —Bank president’s the Surrogate’s brother-in-law and you can’t get the God damned money out right Beamish?

  —Wait shut up Jack, what do you mean have myself declared my son’s legal guardian he’s my son, David’s my son . . .

  —In these matters of course Mister Eigen the interests of the child are . . .

  —Point is in these matters Mister Eigen’s a God damned good father Beamish, kind of a father wants his son to have everything he didn’t have.

  —Shut up Jack . . .

  —Courage, integrity, perseverance . . .

  —Jack God damn it shut up!

  —God damned good man Beamish don’t worry about him, just having a touch of the Türschluss syndrome beginning to see the doors closing, all sad words of tongue or pen the same God damned doors Schramm saw closing . . .

  —Jack I can’t . . .

  —Schluss die Tür, der kommen in der vindows . . .

  —God damn you . . .

  —Schluss der vindows, der kommen . . .

  —Mister Eigen . . .!

  —Didn’t need to do that, Tom.

  —Well then damn it what do you think you . . .

  —No sit down Beamish, point is look at us Beamish, God damned point is life is what happens to us while we’re busy making other plans, read that in a dentist office once and look at us, eighteen neck built like a God damned bull. What’s your neck size.

  —The point is Mister Beamish, if you want to know the point of this whole performance Mister Gibbs here wasn’t in the war and Schramm was . . . he kicked the red covered book across the floor toward the chest of drawers,—Schramm was and he wasn’t and he’s never forgiven him for it . . .

  —Yes I, I see Mister Eigen I, I don’t think I’ll have to keep you both any longer right now, of course I’ll let you know when we have any expressions of interest as far as disposing of Triangle goes, though the prospects look extremely dim . . .

  —What looks dim, Beamish sit down what looks so God damned dim?

  —Simply our preliminary inquiries Mis
ter Gibbs, apparently the asking price has discouraged several prospective . . .

  —How much, wait need any socks?

  —No thank you I ah, twelve million Mister Gibbs, as I say I’ll let you know when any . . .

  —Cash?

  —Jack shut up and let him go, Mister Beamish thanks for . . .

  —God damn it got a right to know these details God damn it Tom, got a legal obligation as Schramm’s executor protect his widow’s mite right Beamish? How’s that for a fit.

  —Take it off, Jack look you don’t know a damn thing about . . .

  —Twelve million what’s the book value Beamish, here want to slip this on?

  —No thank you I, I really don’t need one Mister Gibbs, twelve million is substantially under book value in my opinion but in light of the declining profit picture I mentioned, rising costs in the paper industry and several very substantial accounts receivable that may simply have to be written off as bad debts, I have some of the figures right here but of course . . .

  —I see those papers Beamish?

  —Oh, yes of course but . . .

  —Thanks. How you fixed for ties.

  —Oh I’m ah, fine thank you yes, I don’t think you’ll want to take time to go into all those figures Mister Gibbs . . .

  —Love figures Beamish, rather read a consolidated financial statement than where the hell’s that book, don’t want to forget this book, ones I like to read best where they’re losing money hand over fist looks like a good one . . .

  —Yes as I say certain situations that had been allowed to develop before I joined the company have contributed to . . .

  —Tobacco, wait what the hell’s this about tobacco, I thought you said paper industry . . .

  —That was one of them yes it ah, through some family connection of Mrs Schramm’s apparently Triangle acquired certain tobacco interests at what now appears to have been precisely the wrong . . .

  —Nice string of accounts receivable Beamish, what the hell’s Duncan and Co.

  —Yes they ah, they make wallpaper yes, continuing their credit seems to have been among the unwise decisions made at a time when Triangle was also indulging such extravagances as purchasing the company plane and . . .

  —Fixed assets seven and a half, got a pencil? Wait, how’s that for a fit . . .

  —Jack damn it look take that off will you? and just let Mister Beamish leave if he . . .

  —Wait shut up Tom look, twelve million only get about nine after capital gains though right Beamish? Fixed assets seven and a half million look, somebody gives you two million one hundred thousand on that and you get eighty percent of the difference what you ask and what they pay back from taxes, two, three, four hundred wait, God damned many zeroes, million, four million three hundred twenty thousand, wait let me got a pencil?

  —Jack God damn it will you just take that off and let Mister Beamish get . . .

  —No this ah, this sounds interesting Mister Eigen, I . . .

  —Getting all this down Beamish? Wait damn it . . .

  —Look now you’ve split it, what the hell did you . . .

  —Three million Beamish can’t be right, inventory three million Beamish?

  —Yes I’m afraid inventory control had been rather poor until . . .

  —Poor must have been God damned nonexistent, all right you take ninety percent of that two point seven million get eighty percent of the difference back on taxes for two hundred forty thousand add it up . . . here Tom, drop in on Mrs Schramm give her these . . . he’d reached under the bed,—still plenty of good wear in them . . .

  —What in hell is . . .

  —Add it up your asking price is four and a half million and four and a half back on taxes you’ve got nine all you’d get anyhow, write off some of those accounts receivable as bad debts and you might cut off another half a million, how’s that.

  —Yes in fact it ah, it looks very interesting Mister Gibbs . . .

  —Damned strong elastic too, God damned out of fashion hardly see them anymore right Beamish? Where the hell they came from must have been . . .

  —You know God damned well where they came from, that dimwitted little piece Rhoda what do you . . .

  —Wait forgot good will Beamish have to get paid for good will, problem Tom you’ve got no God damned good will, little good will for Rhoda ought to get yourself one . . .

  —What the hell do you mean good will for Rhoda, if she’d been here waiting for him like she was supposed to that night we wouldn’t be here now.

  —Been here that night he probably would have painted one ball orange and hung her up there instead all just God damned revenge, I’m his friend wasn’t here God damned revenge, you let him leave alone God damned revenge, wants to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery more God damned revenge right Beamish? Decline from status to contract, right?

  —Well ah, it’s simply a wish Mister Gibbs, not legally binding on the family or executors and if . . .

  —No God damn it wants to be buried there that’s where he goes, out there holding the point of the whole God damned defense perimeter that’s where he goes, wait turn that light back on get that cup . . .

  —Hurry up then, what . . .

  —Get this God damned manuscript wait a minute, Beamish ever see Schramm’s movie Beamish? One God damned thing he ever wrote a Western didn’t even have his name on it, movie Dirty Tricks didn’t even have his name on it . . .

  —I’m afraid not Mister Gibbs I, I don’t usually go to . . .

  —Jack damn it will you . . .

  —Same God damned thing as all this but a Western, God damned general in there above the battle taking bets just like the Lord, Schramm out there holding the point while everybody praised the Duke who this great fight did win, want to get these shirts wait a minute . . .

  —Damn it Jack will you hurry up?

  —But what good came of it at last quoth little Peterkin, wait get that book quick little God damned red book on the floor can’t lose it again, why that I cannot tell said he but ’twas a famous victory know who wrote that? Same man Southey, same man who wait . . .

  —Well what the hell are you bringing one shoe for.

  —Got a friend needs one shoe, same man who wrote my name is Death, the last best friend am I, how’s that. Put that on Schramm’s stone, how’s that . . .

  —Just move so I can lock the door will you? Watch your step here in the dark Mister Beamish . . .

  —Thank you yes I, I want to thank you both, Mister Gibbs for your interesting approach on Triangle and . . .

  —What? Oh that’s you Beamish, haven’t got a free hand listen, stone in Arlington cemetery here’s what it says, es ruht im Feindesland how’s that Beamish.

  —And I’d watch that throat Mister Gibbs, it sounds . . .

  —Never see a German military cemetery Beamish? Got them all over the God damned place, bury them where they fall same God damned thing revenge, es ruht im Feindesland point is who asked the bastard there in the first place . . .

  —Yes I’m ah; afraid I don’t understand German but of course . . .

  —Means forgot those panties Tom, means he rests in the land of the enemy, thought you wanted to take them up to Mrs . . .

  —Jack look out, can you see the stairs there Mister Beamish? I’m on my way downtown and I’d be glad to drop you off if you . . .

  —Wait I’m coming too Tom, just have to stop and pick up some research material, Beamish? Es ruht im Feindesland how’s that. Name rank serial number es ruht im Feindesland how’s that.

  —Well it ah, I think we’d have to discuss it Mister Gibbs, the cemetery authorities might consider the sentiment somewhat inappro . . .

  —God damn what I’m trying to do discuss it, Tom can’t discuss a God damned thing standing around out here in the dark let him in, got this book here Beamish wants to discuss the Malleus Maleficarum, Hexenhammer Beamish fifteenth-century legal mind at work questions and answers Tom said he wants to discuss the questions a
nd answers how can I read him the God damned thing out here in the dark . . .

  —Jack damn it you’re dropping everything will you just wait here till I . . .

  —Listen . . . hear that? Sound like a telephone hear that?

  —Just wait here till I get that door . . .

  —Sound like a telephone . . .

  —Just . . . the door shuddered,—wait . . .

  —No I can’t now goodbye . . . !

  —Bast . . .? Oh, I didn’t see you up there, sorry to bother you again but there’s something Jack wants to . . .

  —No come in it’s all right I . . . he eased down to 24–12 Oz Btls Fragile!—I was just, looking for something . . .

  —Little like Pittsburgh isn’t it Beamish, pull up Moody’s Industrials and sit down, gentleman wants to discuss something Bast, Bast? Manuscript in a blue cover where the hell is it, promised to give me an expert opinion you think it’s so God damned difficult here’s an expert opinion, man who reads legalese where the hell is he?

  —Yes it’s, it’s up on top of those boxes Mister Gibbs, the one that says Flakes up by the refrigerator, I put it up there so it wouldn’t get . . .

  —Jack will you just put that stuff down and get what you came for?

  —Here brought you a shoe Bast, go around flapping that sole’s ready to come off so I brought you a shoe.

  —Yes it, in fact it came off this afternoon but, one shoe?

  —Left one’s all right isn’t it? Thought you just needed a right one, damn fine shoe belonged to the late King George V where’s that bottle Bast, hold these a minute . . .?

  —Look Jack you’re not going to take all that stuff downtown, what did you stop to get.

  —Bottle Tom, just have to do a little research Raindance and Mister Fred . . .

  —Well look I can’t wait for you, I . . .

  —No wait wait coming down with you God damn it, stay here with Bast and we’d both end up where the God damned bright waters meet like Paul and Virginia, just one thing . . . he got past Mazola New Improved,—asked me about Stella Bast got the book here tells all about it . . . and he came down heavily on the armless sofa.—Listen, got it marked right here listen, it may be asked, as to illusions in respect of the male organ, whether, granted that the devil cannot impose this illusion on those in a state of grace in a passive way, he cannot still do so in an active sense, the argument being that the man in a state of grace is deluded because he ought to see the member in its right place, when he who thinks it has been taken away from him, as well as other bystanders, does not see it in its place . . .