J R

by William Gaddis

  —But, these . . .?

  —Yes hold that up Dan, what you were just discussing isn’t it Whiteback? What was that word you were looking for, pudenda? or would you call that a proscribed opening.

  —Yes but no I . . .

  —Used to call it hair pie back where I came from that is to say, yes hold that one up too Dan. Looks like she’s working up a frothy little selection on the old licorice stick nothing pansy about that either is there Major, must be the one Whiteback just finished telling Mrs Joubert to use in her television lesson to show us what America’s all . . .

  —Yes but she yes that’s why she looked so . . .

  —Modest I think you said, can’t really blame her of course can you, in fact if this is what really happens on those field trips I might like to go along on one myself Whiteback, if you think she’d . . .

  —Yes but no I thought I’d put those, that whole pile I thought it was right here, I didn’t know I’d left it right out where she could . . .

  —Sound like Vogel, he just told me it looked so nice out this morning he thought he’d leave it out all day too.

  —Yes no Vogel of course isn’t here no he . . .

  —He’s setting them up in the boys’ room right now, just go in and he’ll show you where the . . .

  —Look Vern will you just damn it Whiteback give me that magazine see where he got it.

  —Yes it seems to be ahm, In die Gurgel hineingestossen it says yes it looks like a German ahm, organ . . .

  —Look like a German organ to you Major? Looks to me like the biggest black organ I’ve ever seen, maybe your boy’s passing it around to give the other youngsters a really meaningful learning experience in race relations.

  —Look Vern just, will you just shut up? It’s nothing but, probably just some black GI over there making out with one of the local frauleins how would he know what he was sending for? Stossen die Gurgel I never would have known it myself, now just . . .

  —Probably just sent away to get the stamps.

  —Well why not he collects stamps doesn’t he? Why not.

  —Wait what’s that one you’ve got there Dan, looks a little more in the medical line.

  —No this just just, it just says the new coitus splint designed for preliminary rigidity it just . . .

  —It’s all yours Dan, the Major and I are a little old-fashioned I think we’ll just stay with the stossen die Gurgel approach, Major? Nothing pansy about . . .

  —All right look Vern you’ve, he’s had his fun Whiteback we’ve wasted enough time clearing this up and I’ve got to get hold of my office, just push that over here where I can dial Dan? Get a call in to the man who’s running the store there before they close up shop watch that cord there Whiteback it’s . . .

  —Yes wait let me move this ahm, these pictures yes these are the ones I meant this field trip of ahm, Mrs Joubert’s field trip yes . . .

  —Hello . . .? Yes give me Mister Davidoff this is . . . No no Davidoff yes this is . . .

  —Mrs Joubert’s social studies class Vern, her youngsters bought a share of stock in Mister Hyde’s Diamond Cable Company to learn what ahm, learn what Am . . .

  —Voted to buy it Whiteback get that in, all voted to buy it with their own hello? No no Hyde, my name’s Hyde I got an urgent call to . . . In sales yes I got an urgent . . . Davidoff yes Davidoff he’s . . . he’s what? What do you mean he’s no longer with you with us yes what do you . . . No no wait get me Mollenhoff then, Mister Mollenhoff in . . . hello?

  —Here let’s see that one Whiteback, didn’t know you had such a quota of blacks.

  —Yes well no I was a little ahm, don’t recognize all of them myself that is to say but of course . . .

  —Probably see my boy in some of those Whiteback he’s usually, yes hello? Ginny? Yes Mollenhoff there? This is Mister Hyde, I got an urgent . . . no no Hyde in sales yes is he there? I got an urgent . . . I’ll hold on yes, they took all those for a feature in the company’s annual report Vern, youngsters marched right into the broker’s and bought a share of Diamond for a good look at the whole, hello? I’m holding on yes . . .

  —Looks like a zoo.

  —Yes well what I think Vern means is . . .

  —Just find one with the whole class then probably see him standing back by the flag he’s usually, hello? Mollenhoff . . .? Yes this is . . . no Hyde, in sales yes I . . . Been trying to reach Mister Davidoff yes I . . . that whole appliance deal yes straight from Davidoff, I . . . he’s what? Wait . . . No wait a minute I . . . of course I did straight from Davidoff he . . . Yes but where does that leave me . . .? You mean this whole Endo subsid . . . yes but where does . . . No but where does that . . . Yes what else can I do, I . . . No but, what else can I do . . .

  —Look a little green around the gills Major, something . . .

  —I don’t believe it.

  —This? wouldn’t have believed it myself but you just said back by the flag Major, looks like . . .

  —No that’s not what I, what. What are you talking about.

  —Looks like he’s about ready to get down on one knee and sing Mammy . . .

  —Here what are you talking about, give me that.

  —Never met your Mrs that is to say Major but of course every man to his own . . .

  —I don’t believe it, here give me the rest of those what in, no I don’t believe it . . .

  —Yes well I think what ahm, what ahm . . .

  —What the hell is going on here! Tell by his haircut, blackface in every one of them but you can tell by his haircut what the hell is, who did this. I want to know who did this!

  —Looks like you’ve achieved a nice racial balance here Whiteback, better than busing them out from Queens . . .

  —Whiteback did you, what do you know about this did you . . .

  —No well yes of course in terms of the ongoing black ahm, nonwhite enrollment that is to say our little family of Koreans out near Jack’s Discount Appliance is still ahm . . .

  —Damn it Whiteback I’m not talking about Jack’s Discount Koreans I’m talking about this boy back here by the flag, this blackface right back here by the . . .

  —Yes well of course it might be ahm, yes if there’s a sixth grader from that Stye family out near Dunkin’ . . .

  —That’s not Stye’s boy damn it it’s mine can’t you see the haircut? think my boy looks like a . . .

  —After all the fine things we’ve heard about your company Major I think that’s where the credit belongs, their annual report going out to millions of stockholders with this little message on corporate democracy, this little group of underprivileged and their share in America probably get one whole vote with it too don’t they, a real lesson in what the free ent . . .

  —Under what do you mean underprivileged what’s that got to do with my boy’s . . .

  —Just touched up with the airbrush here and there in fact it’s probably the most depraved looking bunch of underprivileged I’ve ever seen, your boy here’s right out of Al Fatah and this girl on the end looks like she does it in doorways and look at this one, down front here holding up the stock certificate, ever see so much greed confined in one small face? Certainly is having a really meaningful learning experience in what America’s all ab . . .

  —Yes no what Vern ahm sit down Major Dan could you ahm, just a touch of ahm yes a touch of the tarbrush as Vern says Major of course the boy looks ahm . . .

  —Looks like maybe somebody in your company’s trying to do you a favor Major, give you a fresh image over on your side of town where you’re not as popular as you . . .

  —My side of what do you mean my side of town these blacks and radicals who are after me aren’t from my side of town they . . .

  —No I didn’t mean them Major no, just your good white taxpaying neighbors, heard they’re a little pissed off at the way your great emergency waste disposal system in that shelter of yours has just doubled everybody’s new sewer assessment.

  —Yes and you watch them, you wat
ch them they’ll be the first ones ripping their knickers to get in when the whole thing starts you watch them they . . .

  —Never get the feeling history’s just passed you by do you Major?

  —Passed me what do you mean passed me by you . . .

  —Just the gnawing suspicion that this Civil Defense of yours went out with the hula hoop and took the shelter fad with it?

  —Look Vern just because CD’s turned into some kind of milksop Red Cross rescue mission if you think my shelter’s talk about history you haven’t seen history you haven’t seen anything, Watts Newark you haven’t seen anything yet wreck my car, clean out my house, rip off my watch rip it right off me right off my wrist what do you think they’re after me for? Because I’m the only one around here with my eyes open the only one who knows what we’ve got left to protect, that Stye that insurance man Stye remember what I said that day he just sat here without a word taking it all in right over there now with that Buzzie family trying to wipe me out with a million dollar lawsuit and Leroy, that Leroy creeping around punching holes in everything he could get his hands on sabotaging the whole system right under Dan’s wait a minute Dan where are you going . . .

  —I just, just have to go to the . . .

  —Yes well I think the Major means Dan’s testing ahm, Leroy of course . . .

  —I’m talking about them getting at Dan getting at me through Dan’s wife that’s what I’m talking about, got my car got my job my boy where’s that picture of not the one of him no the one they sent him the blonde squatting over that black look at that sending him a thing like that, that’s what I want to know where your wife stands in this look at it that’s what I want to know . . .

  —But but . . .

  —The last time you got into her that’s what I want to know Dan, the last time you got into Vern stay out of this I told you to stay out of this, my car my job my house my watch and they set up that accident set up Dan in that accident his wife’s suing me too and I want to know the last time he got into her, suing me for loss of his services and you can’t tell me they don’t look at that picture look at that picture the loss of his Dan come back here, using her to get at me because I’m the only one left who knows what we have to protect the only, look out . . .!

  —Major for the last time shut up and listen, all we’ve got left to protect here is a system that’s set up to promote the meanest possibilities in human nature and make them look good. Dan was paid to make Whiteback look good he couldn’t do it and he’s out. Whiteback’s been paid to make me look good he hasn’t done it and he’s out too Major and that’s what America’s all about, but if you think I’m going to try to make you look good over there shitting bullets in that emergency waste disposal system of yours when they come over the hill after you . . .

  —No no wait Major you’re Vern wait you’re knocking over the Dan Dan wait . . .

  Behind, the door marked Principal bunged in hollow leavetaking of the evasively level stare still cheaply framed high on the wall, still ferreting vacancy for that widely held determination to move courageously toward the prospect of going out and buying a refrigerator or something similarly useful and desirable, still fixing its indifference with benign reproof; before, the face all simple purpose across the corridor suffered a tic, reduced the future and extended the past by twenty seconds; beyond, the cheer of rushing water escaped the sweep of the door marked Boys.

  —Why it’s Dan, Dan I’m glad I bumped into you.

  —Oh yes I, yes hello Coach I didn’t know you were still . . .

  —Just stopped in to have one for the road, off somewhere?

  —Yes well I, I was just going to the . . .

  —My treat . . . he led back down the corridor,—join you in a short one for auld lang syne, I hear you’re between shows now yourself.

  —Yes but I think I have something in, may have something waiting in industry . . .

  —And don’t forget your friends when you get there Dan, glad enough to be out of the active life myself for awhile you know, looking around for something in research, a place where a man’s mind can turn loose and soar. I’ve been cramped here you know Dan badly cramped. Never notice the smell of sweat in these halls?

  —No but I, excuse me I just have to get into the . . .

  —He that loves a rosy cheek Dan, just hold out a minute longer? The cheek that doth not fade too much gazed at over there but you see if I stand here alone gazing at it she might be the next one having me up on charges . . .

  —Yes but I’m sorry but I . . .

  —Spend a minute here helping you with your sling though and who’s to say where my glance may fall, around this way yes here we are, resting on one white hand a warm wet cheek there doesn’t that smell of sweat get to you now? The air’s saturated, comes on like nostalgia for places we’ve hated doesn’t it, knew you hated it the day you walked in and that’s the moment you have to tell yourself to never forget, that moment you walked in hating it and knew you were right hating it or you’ll be sucked in by the past Dan, look back on it kindly if only because it’s your own, finally all you’ve got and to leave that behind . . .

  —Yes but I’m, I really . . .

  —That behind God almighty she just turned and look at it, of course she’s oblivious standing there looking into her purse, takes a step that bracelet of bright hair about the bone and I hear each one brushing the next, without friction there’s nothing but rags and bone you know. Yes yes all right I’ll get the door, in fact somebody’s just told me it’s hide myself not hide my face in thee but after all what never was can have no end now can it. How her pure and eloquent blood spoke in her cheeks and so distinctly wrought I’ll tell you between us Dan, I felt their whiteness once. One moment of happiness, the Russian said? One for the road and then blow winds and crack your cheeks why, is that not enough to last the whole of a man’s life . . .?

  And the door marked Boys clapped closed on her standing out there tilting her purse to the light, rummaging its depth, alerted in a sudden turn to the rhythmic clank of coins.—Oh J R, I . . .

  —Oh hi Mrs Joubert . . . as quickly gone behind the glass panels clattering closed on the first ring.—Hello . . .? pencil stub, paper scraps surfacing—this is him speaking yes, I’ll accept it . . . portfolio jammed up against a knee—hello? Yes hi, boy it’s a good thing you called hey I . . . where just now at the hotel? Did you . . . no but wait a second . . . No but see Bast that’s what I was just . . . no what kind of full uniform, you mean with a gun and all . . .? No but . . . no but sure I know we got this here hotel suite so you could partly use it to play the . . . no but see that’s the thing hey, I mean for these here business expenses that it’s like this company hospitalidy suite for taxes and all see so we . . . No but see you could have just told this here Marine guarding the door you’re this company officer and went right in I mean I was going to tell you to anyways because . . . not to play on the piano while he’s right in there no I mean just to say hi General glad to have you aboard and does he need anything see because . . . No but . . . no but wait hey that’s . . . No but that’s what you dol I mean all these here big companies they get some second-handed general or like a used admiral for their board of directors see because . . . Who said I sent away for him, I mean at first I was going to put an ad someplace for like this used four star one see only then they had this big thing over at the parochial school where Father Haight has his brother up there with the flag and all which he’s this used two star one which ought to be cheaper anyway see so I just got Piscator to call him up and . . . no well see that’s the thing hey, I mean they know all these here other generals and colonels which are still at Washington buying all this stuff for like the Pentagon and everybody where I mean at the government they go out and buy like a million dollars’ worth of carbon paper and rubber bands you know? And I mean all these drugs for these veterans’ hospitals and all see we can way underbid these here U S companies and . . . sure well that’s what I . . . No I know I just
forgot to tell you, I mean this here Nobili company it’s been selling real low so if we can just move in see they make these here drugs over at Italy someplace without all this crap about patent royalties so if we can way underbid I mean it’s like saving the taxpayers’ money isn’t it what’s wrong with . . . He did . . .? no but . . . sure but I mean how does Crawley know what they . . . that it what . . .? No well sure I knew about it I mean he’s full of . . . no but wait a second I . . . no but look hey I mean all that is it’s just this idea I had where why should all these people that work for these here companies we’re getting like why should they pay someplace else all this money for insurance where we can like help them out if we can get our own insur . . . No well sure we’d collect it I mean that’s . . . no well see I just read in this here little booklet where . . . No but listen hey I, hey . . .? Bast? Listen I . . . no I know but . . . no I know but I was just coming to that where I was telling you where this here General Haight can help us out see this here Ray-X company it’s getting screwed on all these dumb fixed-price contracts see where what we want is these here cost-plus ones where you get to . . . no I know it but . . . no but listen hey . . . No but look just let me tell you how it works okay? See you get this here contract to supply something to the government like and then you . . . how do I know, I mean just something they want to buy off you like that’s where this here General can help us out see so what’s neat about these cost-plus ones is you get to add this here percent of how much it costs you to fill this here contract so I mean the more you spend the more you get, see? I mean that’s the whole . . . no well sure but . . . No I know I was always yelling about low-cost operations see but . . . no but listen a second hey I mean how do you think the telephone company works where they’re always yelling how they have to spend all this here money so they need to raise the rates I mean the more money they can think of how to spend it someplace they get to take this here percent where they keep raising the rates till they’re like almost bigger than the gover . . . no but wait, see the . . . No I know you don’t I mean I’m just coming to that hey . . . no I know I said that but I mean it won’t take much longer see we just . . . no well I just mean we like we the company, like not really anybody see so . . . No but see that’s the whole thing Bast see it’s not money anyway it’s just exchanging this here stock around in like this merging it with this here X-L subsiderary which it’s worth like twenty times as much as, you know? See we just give these here Ray-X stockholders one share of X-L preferred for their share of Ray-X only this here X-L’s common stock capitalization is real low see so we have this here tremendous leverage see and . . . no well I don’t exactly either but that’s what this Mister Wiles said see he . . . No but . . . no I know but . . . No but see I was just going to ask if you heard anything from the U S Bureau of Mines see because . . . No I was going to ask you about how’s old Mister Wonder too see because we . . . No but see I was just going to tell you about this here Indian preservation because like did this here Charley Yellow . . . No I know but wait hey look did . . . No but see that funeral homes thing is just I had this neat idea see you know that big right of way up at Eagle by that there cem . . . No but wait hey wait, I mean how am I supposed to tell you about all this stuff when you don’t hardly even come out here I mean what am I suppose to . . . No I know I said that but . . . no I know but see we’re just building up these here assets for like getting incorporated with these directors and all for this here stock issue see so we can like exchange it around for these here other assets and get all this here borrowing power to . . . No wait wait I know I said that but . . . No but holy shit Bast I didn’t invent it I mean this is what you do! And I mean like I have to do practically everything myself, like I set all this up to try and help you out so you can do your work and all and you don’t even . . . No well what about this here stock option on these whole five thousand shares which you get to buy it when it comes out at ten and then you have this whole . . . five thousand shares at ten dollars yes and then you have this . . . No but wait a second wait hey I know you don’t have fifty thousand dollars see what you . . . No but wait hey . . . No but . . . what? a job doing what? But what’s, ass what . . .? But like why does this here Ascop want you to sit around listening to the radio for if they . . . what like to make sure if nobody’s playing their songs on the radio without paying them these royalties? But like if that’s all they’re paying you how do you . . . No but wait wait I didn’t mean that hey, Bast? I didn’t mean you have to save up fifty thousand dollars I mean I didn’t even finish hey, see what you . . . No see what you do is you wait till our stock gets up to like fifteen or twenty see, then like if you want to sell some for that you get to exercise this here option for how many at ten which you already sold them for twen . . . no it’s not because . . . no because listen I . . . No but I already explained that about if you’re getting paid this here salary how you really get screwed by these here income taxes, see but with this option thing you get taxed at this here lower capital gains rate on what you make between this here ten and where it goes up to when you . . . What do you mean if it doesn’t go up, I mean that’s what I just been trying to explain about acquiring these here assets and all I mean that’s what the whole . . . What do you mean wait ten years why should . . . No but . . . no but wait hey I . . . no I know I said that hey but . . . No I was going to tell you I just found that out too but . . . No but getting this here foundation set up tax free is it my fault if they told me this grant from it can’t go to some personal individual? I mean . . . No but see so . . . No but see like if we find some group you can get into it which a grant goes to this here group only you get . . . No but like I thought you could think of something, like I don’t know maybe like if you played in a band or someplace it would . . . No but wait hey . . . No wait wait hey wait . . .! Sure no I know hey but . . . No but hey wait a second Bast I mean holy shit what am I supposed to do! Like I mean everything I think of trying to help you out you always find something you get mad at like it was my fault to complain about only you don’t hardly do anything and you don’t hardly come out here and I have to do everything practically myself, like you don’t come out here so I’m trying to get some field trip in there only there’s just this one going to this lousy bakery here so what am I suppose to do? I mean now you finally call only you don’t hardly listen when I’m trying to tell you about these here Indians and these mergers and all we’re doing for this whole stock option thing I set up for you so you complain about that, then I try to fix you up with this here grant thing you get mad at that too I mean you keep only saying what’s wrong and I’m trying to do something! You keep only complaining why something doesn’t work and I’m always trying to fix it up so it will! I mean like when I said we can use each other so you can do this here work you’re always yelling about but this mail comes in which you don’t even open it so I get you this here electric machine to open it then you don’t hardly read it, I get you this here special telephone put in so you don’t have to go down to this cafeteria for these calls which then you don’t hardly answer them anyway so I even just got you this here thing you hook onto it for a hundred thirty-nine fifty which this tape answers the call for you while you’re doing all this here composing work only everything I do to help you out you don’t hardly even seem to try to . . . No well so what I mean you said you’d . . . I did not hey and like even if I did why should everybody . . . Okay so what! I mean that’s what you do! I mean like all I . . . No I know I said that but it’s like now everybody’s trying to use me, I mean like Piscator thinks I’m some dumb . . . No I thought you were him calling just now and he’s out on his ass boy trying to screw us on this here getting incorporated in Jamaica thing he must think I . . . No I know I told him to but now he sends in this here expense account he’s got airplane fare three hundred eighteen dollars he’s even got this here hotel bill two hundred twenty-nine fifty, I mean he expects me to believe that bunch of . . . Plane what do you mean plane you can go there on the subway and
like who’s going to stay at a hotel in a dump like Jam . . . it’s a what? What do you mean it’s an island it’s this dump where you change trains at going into New . . . No but . . . no but like Piscator never said . . . Okay but how would I suppose to know I mean that’s what I need you to . . . no but okay but, I mean like . . . no okay okay maybe I did hey but . . . No well see you won’t hardly have to anyways see because that’s what this here Pomerance Agency is going to handle all this here kind of stuff only there’s this one thing I had this neat idea, see I been getting these requests for like interviews and all see so I got this here little tape recorder which when I talk on it then when you play it you just hold back on the tape like so it goes real slow and the voice goes way down you know? like it sounds like I’m like fifty, you know? See so I can send you these here tapes and . . . no but wait hey . . . no I know but there’s just this one more thing which it just takes a second see this here Indian Charley Yellow Brook did he call you hey . . .? No because see him and his brother they’re from this here big preservation where they have all these here mineral and drilling rights see so . . . No but wait wait hey wait who said . . . No but who said anything about drilling hey see it’s just this here timber up there like if we leased these here rights off them to help them out like we could . . . No listen it would too hey because some of these here Indians were real broke which wanted to divide up this whole preservation and sell off their . . . what? Oh, okay anyways see if we lease these here rights off the whole tribe these here broke Indians get something and we’re like bailing them out, see so I was thinking like if . . . No it’s like out by those Alberta and Western sites under them you know? like near all those mineral claims by you know where that big green state that goes along the top of . . . no where they’re like all by this here Great Lake under where Minnesota and Idaho both . . . where? No because hey Nebraska’s like way out with Kansas and all beside Utah or someplace anyways I was just thinking, see if you took this here Ascop job too you could have this here little transistor radio right in your pocket see and . . . no I know but with this here wire and earplug they have on it see you could be like listening to it anyplace with this one ear like even if you’re in some meeting someplace you just tell them it’s this . . . Sure and you just tell them it’s this hearing aid see? because like I was thinking if this here Ascop wants you to travel somewheres to listen in on some local station like? and they’d pay for your expenses? I mean till we get this here Triangle plane for you to ride around on see because I was thinking when you go out to this here Indian preserva . . . No no wait hey wait I just said like if you go out to this here Ind . . . No sure wait no no I know I did but . . . No but hey . . . No but wait I just wanted to tell you did you get this here golf practice thing I . . . Bast? Hey . . .? Hey Bast . . .? The door clattered open slowly.—Oh, oh hi Mrs Joubert I, were you waiting for this here phone?