J R

by William Gaddis

  —What, some what . . . he tipped the bottle over the cup, shook it.

  —Some what man how do I know some what I mean it says cheese type processed food product do you . . .

  —Wait! Christ . . .

  —Like what’s the matter that’s grape drink I mean I just poured you grape drink what’s . . .

  —Last of the whisky poured it right in the last of the God damned whisky . . .

  —So now you’ve got like grape whisky I mean you’re so stoned you won’t know the difference man what are these . . . she held it up, pried off the lid—raviolis you want some raviolis . . .? The lamp flickered, beyond her the gum wad bounded and slowly rose from sight as she licked fingers, tore an envelope—Dear Mister Eigen, it is my pleasure to inform you that the Admissions Committee of the PEN voted at its last meeting to ask you to become a . . .

  —Wait what’s . . . he coughed into the cup—what are you . . .

  —What man I mean I’m reading the mail, like I mean when Bast and I eat that’s what we do man . . . she paused parting the shirttail on a flank to scratch there,—I mean like what else is there to do.

  —No look problem’s just problem Mister Eigen God damned touchy sometimes might want to open his mail himself look . . .

  —Man like what’s the difference I mean it’s all mail . . . paper tore, she licked fingers and set the jar down.—This is a periodic report which the trustee under the indenture mentioned below is required to make by reason of all this bullshit Bast gets I mean who wants to read all this Kissinger Tax Letter, US Bureau of Mines Taxwise Methods for the Executive, Bureau of Indian Affairs U S Department of bullshit . . . she was digging in the heap beside her—I mean I thought I had this herrings someplace . . .

  —Try Grynszpan had it all sorted out, what the hell happened just sorted it out . . .

  —Like can you open this can? I mean they don’t even give you this key thing anymore here’s one, dear Mister Grynszpan. Since we believe you are a deeply concerned citizen whose opinions on the vital issues of the day are formed after careful and intelligent consideration, and since the continued survival of our republic as we know it depends so heavily upon the free expression of such independent views as yours at the highest levels, a letter is enclosed for your convenience which you may rewrite in your own words and mail to your Senator and Congressman immediately dear sir, as a concerned citizen I wish my voice to be heard expressing strong support for HR three five nine seven and the companion Senate resolution sponsored by Senator Broos firmly backing nonintervention in the civil conflict in Gandia, and the earliest possible recognition for Uaso province as a sovereign and independent look out! man you’re spilling . . .

  —God damned cat what . . .

  —What I mean he just jumped on the windowsill man like why shouldn’t he look out the, what’s he, what’s that, I mean look there’s something out there dancing up and down on this string man look . . .

  He righted his cup, recovered his seating on H-O—went back up and reloaded looks like double bubble . . .

  —Man look there’s this quarter out there . . .! the shirttail tugged up with her turn to shake the sash, raise it, a paw shot out past her at the glistening pink wad—man like hold him! She bent further—it’s stuck here, I mean it’s stuck here man I can’t get it off . . . the gum wad danced above, plunged, the paw shot out—man will you get this fucking cat off my in my hair what’s, oww . . .! the string tautened, yanked again, she was in, banged the window down—man who’s with that fucking gum up there and I mean if that’s that my vife Mrs at the door I’m really going to hand him his . . . she was through past 200 2-Ply,—like who is it!

  —Good evening madam . . . it shuddered open,—I trust I am not interrupting the dinner repast, am I addressing the lady of the house?

  —Look man what do I look like the . . .

  —I see immediately that I am speaking with someone who has enjoyed the benefits of a fine education, surely madam you would not wish to deprive your youngsters of similar advan . . .

  —What youngsters man look . . .

  —Madame unless my eyes deceive me . . . he raised them,—if your husband has indeed let you go childless he should be prosecuted for criminal negligence ha ha, of course I am sure he is a person of breeding and culture like yourself one glimpse of your lovely home and these are clearly the surroundings the publishers of our fine new children’s encyclopedia would like to see it displayed in to be seen and admired by your many friends and neighbors of similar cultural . . .

  —Look I mean get your foot out of the . . .

  —Ex, excuse me madam if you interrupt me I’ll have to start all over again of similar cultural pursuits, this is why we take pleasure in inviting you to accept a complete set of our fine new children’s encyclopedia at the special introductory prepublication price and in order to help you make this rewarding decision this advance copy of volume four has been reserved in your name for your perusal over a ten day period during which you may examine it here in the comfort of your own lovely home at absolutely no obligation, hold this fine volume in your own hands sir or madam as the case may be show it to family and friends, study its physical format if you’ll let the door it’s hurting my foot note the fine grain binding a new substance designed to outlast ordinary leather and outshine its beauty for untold years to come, each volume in the set is richly gold tooled and the perfectionist binding gives them the elegance of fine volumes costing far more than our special introductory price take this fine volume into your own hands sir or mad . . .

  —Man come help me here!

  —Note the fine binding and paper stock, the quality printing, the intensity of the many color illustrations in addition to these each volume contains detailed charts, diagrams and graphs to enhance your exciting journeys through these pages of the world’s history, culture, civilization, government, history, art and literature and and, and science yes for though written and designed to inspire and reward the child’s thirst for knowledge this is in fact no mere children’s encyclopedia but the ideal reference work for the casual browser, the armchair traveler, the dedicated scholar alike, the crowning result of many untold thousands of hours of painstaking research by world renowned schol, is, is this the, the gentleman of the house . . .?

  —It’s the fucking armchair traveler what does it look like now get your foot out of . . .

  —Madam madam I see I am speaking to a lady of liberated opinion as a special inducement our publishers have also set aside in your name a charter subscription to a new publication designed especially for you the exciting new magazine She at absolutely no obligation be the first of your friends and neighbors to thrill to . . .

  —Got his God damned foot caught under the . . .

  —Thank you if you will just give me your name and sign here sir or mad . . .

  —Lake get it down by the hinge and push, man . . .

  —Thank you perhaps your neighbors will be more receptive to our generous offer if you will, sir if you will kindly just return the fine vol oww . . .

  —Harder man harder till it’s all the way, wow . . . she led back in past the tub,—like I mean why’d you take it I mean that’s all we need here another fucking book . . . and she brought the punctured shade to light with a punch—I mean if we had that quarter like where’s the raviolis, you ate them?

  —No no grape whisky just fine thanks . . . he steadied against Won’t Burn, Smoke or Smell coming down,—peruse this fine volume . . .

  She got the jar from the floor—I mean what’s the matter with the raviolis . . . licked fingers, paper tore—like I mean why don’t you just go out to dinner then dear friend, complimentary tickets are being reserved in your name for the Second Anniversary Dinner of Rancho Hacienda Estates, a full course dinner will be served and you will view a fascinating motion picture, informal dress banquet room man I mean you could really go . . .

  —Lost your pants both go, they all clap when we arose for your sweet . . .

/>   —Informal dress like you could really go man I mean you should look at yourself, I mean you’re like already shaving when I went and I come back you’re sitting here stoned like I mean you didn’t even shave.

  —No been, been typing found the typewriter been typing . . .

  —Typing what. Man I mean you’re like waiting this hundred years for this big chance so everybody should drop dead when you come in and find this dirty folder and these Tootsie Roll notes and then I mean I come back and you’re like sitting here stoned watching this wad of gum out the . . .

  —Tootsie notes can’t find them no typing, found the typewriter been typing . . .

  —Can’t find them man they’re like right behind you and I mean typing what. I mean the typewriter there’s no paper in it man, look . . . her leg fell wide leaning forward to turn the roller,—sit down I mean look there’s no fucking paper in it man there’s nothing look out! you’re tipping that whole thing over . . .

  —What I just, tipping not tipping typing said typing whole God damned thing over I, God damn it . . .

  —There didn’t I tell you you’re tipping it over? And I mean the box says Tootsie Rolls all over it like I mean you can’t find your notes man they just found you . . .

  —Christ . . . he came back down slowly, got a foot out dredging the papers together—God damned Pandora box follow me around how many God damned thousand hours in it sixteen years, live with it sixteen years begin to look for it in bookstores come back waiting like you left it publish ten years ago it . . .

  —Man be careful you’re tearing . . .

  —Sixteen years like living with a God damned invalid sixteen years every time you come in sitting there waiting just like you left him wave his stick at you, plump up his pillow cut a paragraph add a sentence hold his God damned hand little warm milk add a comma slip out for some air pack of cigarettes come back in right where you left him, eyes follow you around the room wave his God damned stick figure out what the hell he wants, plump the God damned pillow change bandage read aloud move a clause around wipe his chin new paragraph God damned eyes follow you out stay a week, stay a month whole God damned year think about something else, God damned friends asking how’s he coming along all expect him out any day don’t want bad news no news rather hear lies, big smile out any day now, walk down the street God damned sunshine begin to think maybe you’ll meet him maybe cleared things up got out by himself come back open the God damned door right there where you left him . . .

  —Man that quarter out there . . . she’d sunk back, a hand dropped scratching where her leg lay fallen wide—did you stick it there man?

  —Told you come in look out one eye yellow other eye seeing green try to put two God damned thoughts together make an idea . . . he caught his balance on H-O, reached the blue folder—God damned friends getting indignant tell you bring him out, tell you bring him out like he is little crippled maybe don’t give a God damn, quick and dirty just dress him up a little bring him out anyhow go back waiting, plump the God damned pillow move a clause around . . .

  —Did you man? glue that quarter there?

  —Told you tale, tale . . . pages flapped under his hand—for though the tale left right here for though the God damned eyes wipe his chin wave his stick figure out what the hell he, for though, for now the pencil where’s a pencil God damned clauses look just turned around pencil quick . . .

  —You did didn’t you man, you glued it didn’t you . . .

  —Clauses turn right around look. For now long after Wilde had withdrawn to join the compost smoldering in Europe with Pater’s recipe for success in life, the tale how for art’s sake he’d faced Leadville’s bullies to a standoff continued to amuse here where invention was eliminating the very possibility of failure as a condition for success precisely in the arts where one’s best is never good enough and who, now the song would play on without losing a note, could resist the temptation to shoot the pianist? How’s that.

  —How’s what. Look man I mean . . .

  —What don’t like it?

  —No I mean I don’t get it, like I mean I don’t even understand it.

  —God damned problem not read to be written aloud you read it then start here read it, here.

  —What like here? The only rat, rational method of art criticism I have ever come across Wilde had observed, now elsewhere and dead, a mildewed chimp, and Ste . . .

  —Chump God damn it says chump not chimp, here . . .

  —It says chimp man look chimp, c h i . . .

  —Chump mildewed chump think Crane call Wilde a God damned chimp?

  —Man how do I look out, I mean that’s my ankle . . .

  —Chimp make it sound stupid don’t you, hate it try to make it sound stupid . . .

  —Hate it man like how can I hate it I mean I don’t even know what it’s about . . .

  —Shoot the God damned pianist what it’s about just told you, player piano play by itself get to shoot the pianist just read it God damn it says it right here, here where invention was eliminating the very possibility of failure as a condition for success precisely in the God damned arts there, says it right there.

  —It says what, I mean this player piano where does it say that.

  —Invention says right there invention God damn it means player piano . . .

  —Man I mean that’s what I mean, like I mean if it says it why doesn’t it say it? And I mean this is the name of the book agape agape? that’s the name of it?

  —Can’t, look pē mark right over the God damned e pi eta pē agapē can’t see God damn it? pi eta pē?

  —Man like who’s supposed to know piéta I mean . . .

  —Didn’t Christ! didn’t say pietà whole God damned different Christ any God damned use look, book don’t bring a God damned thing to it can’t take a God damned thing from it don’t know something look it up no God damned obligation encyclopedia right here look it up ag, ag, glass golf wrong God damned volume . . .

  —Look man I mean it doesn’t mat . . .

  —Whole God damned point doesn’t matter why agapē’s agape, whole God damned point just look up something else Gordian Knot the, casual bowser look up Gordian Knot the. Known as Chinese Gordon for his brilliant military exploits in that country, Charles George Gordon later undertook the heroic defense of Khartoum where the knot that bears his name of Christ!

  —Look out! you could have broke the window man I mean Chairman Meow you scared the shit out of him here kitty, I mean like why’d you throw it at him man here kitty kitty . . .

  —Whole God, damned, try to tell you tell them too God damned late love feast all over shoot the God damned pianist doesn’t matter laughing string whereon mad fingers place of stone Christ, feel like I was born here . . .

  —Man look out that’s my leg . . .

  —God damned many years worth doing God damned eyes follow you start to hate him still waiting shake his God damned stick nothing happen, bandage dry up falls off milk sour world go by out in the God damned sunshine friends finally too God damned embarrassed to ask, come back open the God damned door right where you hate him God damned eyes staring out see where he was going thought you were taking him see what you don’t . . .

  —Look out man sit up I mean you’re hurting my, here kitty . . .

  —Move a clause plump the God damned pillow doesn’t matter wave his stick doesn’t matter cut a paragraph hands on his God damned throat squeeze the whole God damned thing down to a period hate it!

  —Wait don’t man I mean you’re tearing . . .

  —Ten years late staggers out God damned pianist already shot God damned sunshine everybody step right over him God damned hurry go noplace nobody give a God damn book everything’s happened book about everybody knows hate it!

  —Man like that’s what people want’s books that tell them what they already know, I mean that’s why they’re all such bullshit get my foot out of under your, ow . . . she drew its moccasined heel up hung on the sofa’s edge her fallen leg�
�s length from his perch there on H-O—like I mean look at all the fucking books in this place who asked you to write another one anyhow.

  —Said I would.

  —Like said to who, I mean that’s this big important call you’re waiting for?

  —Said don’t answer it, only God damned thing I ever . . .

  —Man those must have been some dance lessons, like I mean if you hate it man how can you do it.

  —Can’t! told you only God damned thing I ever . . .

  —What man ever what . . . her hand came down from the flexed knee scratching—I mean that’s like I always said I’ll be this model you know? Like I used to read all these dumb comic books like Millie the Model when I’m like ten and I mean I already have these little dippeldutters like her up in that picture so I’m going to grow up and be this big model you know? Like if I can’t be it I’m nothing, I mean I break my ass so like finally I’m out looking and they tell me my nose shadows wrong and my tits are too big and I mean I really came down man, I mean I’m really nothing, only like there’s always like somebody crowding me up trying to slip it in you know? I mean I even meet this big model that’s like going to help me out and I mean she’s climbing on too and I’m finally thinking like wow, like I mean which one is real, I mean like I changed and this big idea from when I’m like ten didn’t change and it’s still hanging me up, you know . . .? her hand dropped to scratch the dry mound,—like I mean I’m the one that ought to write this book, you know?

  —Ought to teach too . . . he caught his struggle for the cup, reared back with it on line with her fallen knee—lecture like wow which one is real get to give neoplatonism whole God damned rebirth start a little school . . .

  —Man like you think you’re kidding I mean I wouldn’t hand them any bullshit, I mean you can ask my friends man.

  —Little book you and your friends call it Old Foes With New Faeces sell a million . . .

  —No look man cut the bullshit I mean this book I could write like if it sells a million of it I mean that means it’s good, right? Like I mean I could write this book people would read, man . . . the scratching slowed from palliative to ruminative—like without all these phony big words you use I mean like, I’d communicate . . .