J R

by William Gaddis

  —Jack stop it look this man’s a federal marshal, he’s . . .

  —Drovie my name’s Drovie now which one of you’s Mister, papers right here wait a minute, Urquhart? Mister Teets? Mister Bast? Mister . . .

  —Look Marshal my name is Eigen Thomas Eigen I’m a writer this is Mister Gibbs, whatever this is all about we’re not even . . .

  —Don’t get all hot and bothered friend, SEC just wants your company’s officers and directors downtown to answer a few questions bring along your records . . .

  —Got the Boswell Sisters doing Down on the Delta think they’d like that one Tom? Muddy water used to be my playground, dudu . . .

  —Be quiet Jack look Marshal, whatever this company you’re talking about we don’t even . . .

  —J R Corp isn’t that the name of it? Papers right here yes, see here? J R Corp, now what about that rear apartment is that part of . . .

  —Wouldn’t go back there Marshal got the abominable snowman back there he’d . . .

  —Jack be quiet . . .

  —Be quick, jump over the God damned somebody else at the door . . .

  —Don’t pay any attention to him Marshal he’s just had some news that upset him acting a little difficult but . . .

  —See all kinds in my business friend, like to use your telephone though if you . . .

  —Can’t use it, Tom? Tell him no outgoing calls God damned door here’s ready to, just a minute, Tom? Only take incoming calls show him the phone bill I said just a minute!

  —Mister Gibbs? is that . . .

  —Yes just a, Bast . . .!

  —I’m sorry to bother you Mister Gibbs I’ve just . . .

  —No no here wait get the door . . .

  —What are you whispering for what’s . . .

  —Before you go in look there’s a U S marshal in there he’s, wait turn around Christ what’s happened to you!

  —No I’m all right what does he want, is it the bomb?

  —What bomb he’s got a fistful of subpoenas for this company you’re mixed up with will you tell me what the . . .

  —But I have to get my mail is there any mail for me?

  —Roughly sixty pounds now look . . .

  —But Mister Crawley do you know if he got that tape? did he send my . . .

  —He’s delighted yes told me to tell you the sonorous torns of ho, toes of damn it listen . . .

  —But the check he was going to pay me, did he say . . .

  —Said he’d sent it yes some project didn’t work out but he’s a man of his word now look can you tell me what the hell’s . . .

  —Jack? Who’s out there . . .

  —Nobody just the, just the mail Tom be right in look Bast, go across the street watch the front window soon as this marshal leaves I’ll . . .

  —I can’t no I ran into somebody some people they’re waiting for me out there Mister Gibbs if you could . . .

  —Not that funeral now listen . . .

  —No well sort of yes if I can get a ride home to get some clothes, if you could sort of entertain the marshal till they’re gone the cars I mean, if you could look in the mail for me Mister Gibbs that check before anything happens to it . . .

  —I’ll try yes but God damn it some things I have to talk to you about Bast something I, look out wait what the hell is all this?

  —You the place order the box lunches?

  —Christ bring them in why not, Bast? you all right?

  —Not really but if you could look in the mail Mister Gibbs could I take a box lunch?

  —Here take two good God don’t look like you can get as far as watch your case, whole God damned thing’s coming apart there watch the stairs . . .!

  —Jack? Who’s this what’s all this . . .

  —Box lunches Tom ordered in some box lunches, not enough veal Marengo to go round if this keeps up here just put them look put them on the God damned floor, want to sign for them Tom? Got another customer here . . .

  —How do you do my name is Bailey, I have a sub . . .

  —Come right in Bailey just step over that’s it, pick up a box lunch go right in join the . . .

  —Whole damn door just came off Jack.

  —No place to put it just lean it against, yes? help you?

  —Come to do the phone, man.

  —What do you mean do the phone.

  —Like the tap man I mean do the tap, like my people tell me the tap’s out I come up to replace it, like I mean where’s the chick.

  —No more chicks look just do your tap and do it God damned fast waiting for an important call here and I’m wait Bailey this way, go that way the lampshades will get you come in and meet Marshal Drovie, bring in another lunch for the marshal there Tom?

  —Hey there Bill how they hanging.

  —Hey Bill, you on this one too?

  —Civil action thought I’d never find it, sorted out the players yet?

  —Looks like Teets and Urquhart here where’s my scorecard, might be Bast there by the . . .

  —Got his picture here from yesterday’s paper, hard to tell what he looks like all these feathers but . . .

  —Look Marshal I just told you my name’s Eigen and this is . . .

  —Who’s that by the window Bill, description of the company president they gave me from some magazine here says steel blue eyes bulldog jaw . . .

  —God damn it wait a minute, him? I mean look at that face Marshal not a God damned thing’s happened there for thirty years, completely uncontaminated by getting on in the world think you’d ever see that face in a God damned board room? Find a trace of one mean small God damned thought there other little bastards trying to take advantage of him Marshal, get his National Park set imperforates for those God damned Deutsches Reich surcharges . . .

  —Look Jack will you stop . . .

  —Never see faces like that do you Marshal, hope without expectation never see that do you, acceptance without resignation . . .

  —Subpoena here for the company records too, books correspondence memos any phone tapes . . .

  —Got a spade cat in there doing a tap for you right now all got rhythm haven’t they Bailey, try to dig up some records for you just promised the Boswell Sisters to the marshal here but . . .

  —Jack listen . . .

  —In the bottoms how I used to play round, Lordy what a spankin I got . . .

  —Damn it Jack stop singing these men are serious they . . .

  —Just trying to entertain them Tom looking for books too, anything special Marshal? Twenty years of the Musical Courier right over here how about novels, got some God damned fine novels just have to dig for them, like Broch Bailey? Came across his Schlafwandler the other day spent the whole God damned afternoon with it . . .

  —May better just get a fire inspector in here and then get an order seal the whole place up Bill, any other agencies in this?

  —Probably get Tippy up here from Internal Revenue better get a postal inspector in here too, take a look back here Bill . . .

  —Now just a minute Marshal I have some personal mail that . . .

  —What’s these piles E Gerst, B Best, R Gast all sound like AKAs don’t they Bill, haven’t seen a mess like this since the Scungilli brothers.

  —Infinite riches in a little room, Merchant of Venice isn’t it Bailey? Want to read us the whole passage there’s probably a copy in that H-O box there, don’t mind if I run through these piles while we’re waiting do you Marshal? Sent away for some dance lessons I can’t wait to . . .

  —Seriously Marshal you can’t simply come in here and subpoena everything in sight I have some personal effects that . . .

  —Box he’s pawing through there Tom ask him if he’s got a subpoena for the Three Wide Men listen ever think of that God damned game we made up that night? Remember it we could sweep the country make a million dollars tell you what I’ll do, leave you my royalties if you can ever remem . . .

  —No now seriously Marshal I have some papers here that may be worth a good d
eal, manuscripts that sort of thing they’ve got nothing to do with whatever you’re after here that box right behind you, it’s got the manuscript of a book I wrote in it and there’s another one, a folder I’ve been looking for notes and manuscript it belongs to an estate . . .

  —Don’t get hot and bothered friend everything gets inventoried, wait listen there Bill hear that?

  ——ther report brought to you every day at this time by She. the magazine today’s wom . . .

  —Sound like it’s coming from over there Bill somebody under the . . .

  —Meant to tell you Marshal shipwreck here last night may have caught the cabin boy when the cargo shifted, they still in business out front there Freddie? Kids all over the place truck a block long’s got the funeral hemmed in can’t leave now Marshal, haven’t even opened your box lunch let’s see what they gave you, ham and cheese banana cupcake pickle wedge not leaving now are you Tom?

  —These papers I found in my pocket yes, I ought to . . .

  —Golf game in the corner there thought we might spread it out get up a foursome water hazards and all, like golf Bailey?

  —No seriously these papers I ought to take them down to Mrs Schramm and Marshal? That folder I mentioned if you come across it, I’m an executor of the estate it belongs to it’s a plain manila folder with stains all over it just be sure I, I just want to be sure nothing happens to it you know she might have some interest in it Jack I, Marshal there’s no reason I can’t leave? Those names you read I’m not even . . .

  —Parties answer their subpoenas in court or we’re out with an arrest warrant that’s all friend, hear that Bill it’s coming from way under there . . .

  ——Family of Companies. And now the weather. Forty-eight degrees in sunny midtown. Listen every day at this time for the weather report brought to you by She the magazine designed for today’s worn . . .

  —Wait one thing before you . . .

  —That ten you wanted I forgot it yes, wait . . .

  —So had I, that’s not what I . . .

  —Five, ten here and, these papers may not be any good to her I’ve been carrying them around so long I just thought I ought to take them down and . . .

  —Meet her yes, probably be God damned grateful, shame you can’t take that folder along too show her he was on the threshold of great things, might have kicked the world to pieces . . .

  —I don’t know what you’re, why you can’t give me this either can you any credit for, credit for any loyalty to his memory my God see him in that canvas sack it’s like being loyal to a nightmare . . .

  —Had your choice of nightmares go ahead I mean you’ve got custody of his memory Christ, all you’ve done for it certainly got the right to sweep it up with the trash why not take along that picture he had of her too, see you waiting there in the lofty drawing room her pale face floating toward you in the dusk takes both your hands in hers no chick but good Christ she’s survived hasn’t she, probably tell you she knew him better than you did want to hear his last words give her something to live with, dream the nightmare right through to the God damned end when you come out with it . . .

  —What with, what do you mean I . . .

  —Mean you’d better fix your trousers in front there first that’s all.

  —What I, damn it why didn’t you . . . he paused half backed between the torrents on either side—Jack damn it you, why the hell you’re acting this way . . . he reached his free hand for the doorframe, backed from the light of the doorway—I, I don’t understand you . . .

  —I know Tom . . . came after him in the dark of the hall where he turned, hand running on the rail feeling for the stairhead and suddenly down two steps at a time from the voice up there in the darkness,—I know . . . he made the door with a final tug at his waist and, hand plunged in an inside pocket as though to clutch the desperate consequence of the papers he’d found there, came out with the lunge of a man abruptly threatened by the weight of the overcast sky.

  —Say excuse me, could you tell me where the . . .

  —One flight up end of the hall, the door’s open . . .

  —Want to move that truck buddy? You’re blocking the whole . . .

  —What’s this kid in my car!

  —Excuse me just let me get past here . . .

  —Out of this God forsaken place, taxi? Taxi . . .!

  —Watch where you’re pushing that junk heap you crazy bunch of, look out!

  —Coño . . .!

  —So who finally died?

  —This green panel truck where’s the driver, tell him to get it the hell out of there.

  —Excuse me I’m a reporter from . . .

  —Hey Mister Bast we going to the movies?

  —You’re not going anywhere no now get back in the cars, now where’s . . .

  —Excuse me I’m a rep . . .

  —You kids get away from that car I’ll bust your . . .

  —Wait I thought these cars were hired for this school group . . .

  —This here’s a private limousine now get that kid out . . . and the door swung open on the figure cringed in the back, battered portfolio spilling from knees quivering at anchor where a sneaker worked wedged in a gleaming hinge of the jump seat,—out!

  —Private limousine what’s it doing here, they told me these . . .

  —Come up to see my mother that’s what it’s doing here now get him and his pile of crap out of there before I . . .

  —Okay okay holy . . .

  —We going to the movies Mister Bast hey wait what happened to your . . .

  —I told you to get back in those cars, come on J R hurry up . . .

  —Okay how was I supposed to, wait could you hold this stuff a second while I . . .

  —I can’t no I’m holding enough stuff now get in that first car up there, the rest of you get in the other two hurry up!

  —Look at the cowboy coming hey!

  —Be quiet just do what I no, it can’t be no . . .

  —You getting in with me hey Bast? because boy I got this whole bunch of stuff to ask you like . . .

  —Yes well I’ve got a whole bunch to ask you too just get in quick here, get these boxes before they slide off my . . .

  —Wait look out for my . . .

  —Well get the door closed!

  —No but holy, I mean what happened to you anyways you . . .

  —I’ve been on a bus for twenty-six hours I’ve got a cold I haven’t eaten since here look over my shoulder, is he out there? the man in the cowboy . . .

  —He’s like standing there by these garbage cans looking up at this dump we’re parked at who’s he suppose to be, I mean what are we doing here anyways we . . .

  —That’s what I’d like to know! that Mrs diCephalis when I saw her I thought I was having a . . .

  —No but where are we, like we fix up this here whole field trip which Mister Davidoff gets these here limousines so we go to this Waldorf place where this general’s suppose to excort us which he’s not even there and Mister Davidoff they say he already went someplace and will we please leave so . . .

  —Driver let’s, where is he where’s the driver . . .

  —So like Mrs diCephalis is suppose to have this here headquarters address to meet you so then we ride around awhile and stop at this dump where she can go in that lousy looking place where its says bodeega to call and they tell her it’s this bomb scare then you come down the street in these here funny looking clothes with your . . .

  —-Just be quiet a minute where’s the driver where’s that woman look, go find . . .

  —What Mrs diCephalis she already went in this taxicab she . . .

  —What do you mean went, where . . .

  —Well see she has to go to India to show them how to do birth control and all see she’s got social studies since Mrs Joubert went so she’s always telling us how everybody’s real poor down at India so mainly all they do is . . .

  —Stop no stop, you mean she brought you all in here and dumped you and went
to Ind . . .

  —No see she has like this interview at this government thing someplace so she brings us in where it’s all fixed up with this here new principal this Mister Stye we got where Mister Davidoff thought it’s this neat publicity idea for where we’re like buying the school you know? So there’s suppose to be this photographer and these here box lunches and you’re suppose to excort us and take us around like, so now you come down this street with these wrecked up cars and garbage cans all over in this here funny looking suit with these ripped pants and your eye and all I mean didn’t Mister Davidoff even say to . . .

  —How could look can’t you understand I just got off the never mind let’s just get out of here before here, get out your side get the driver and tell the other cars to follow hurry up . . .

  —This truck here I can’t hardly, wait open your side hey he’s coming over this man in this cowboy . . .

  —Will you do what I tell you!

  —He’s knocking on the window wait how does it open there’s no turner thing how do you, look hey this button you just push . . .

  —Damn it leave it . . .!

  —Mister Bast thank heavens I’ve mercy! what’s happened . . .

  —Hey who’s . . .

  —I said get the driver!

  —But what’s happened are you all right?

  —I’m yes I’m fine yes Mister Brisboy I’m sorry we’re in a little hurry we . . .

  —But what is it who are all these dreadful urchins Mister Bast I simply must talk to you Mother called she says she’s been fired! She’s simply livid of course that letter from your Piscator person about franchising out the entire health plan already had her in a perfect tizzy I know it’s all some sort of ghastly mistake, I told her I knew you wouldn’t stand for it of course you’re in rather deep yourself aren’t you and she’s seen all these frightful things in the papers I’ve had reporters battering at the door of my suite all morning, of course I’ve told them I won’t hear a word against you I know you’d never dream of knowingly doing such a thing but . . .

  —Yes well I’m sorry Mister Brisboy I really don’t know all the details yet but . . .

  —Oh I know I know they’re so fearfully rude aren’t they, whoever dreamt up that soubriquet gentlemen of the press must have been demented it might have been Kipling mightn’t it if there’s anything in the language more excruciating than his little ditty If thank heaven I’ve been spared it I simply don’t share the talents for dealing with them your crass little person with all the cufflinks . . .