J R

by William Gaddis

  —Have you got a pencil?

  —Why why, yes, yes I should have thought of it of course here, yes I mention this simply in passing Mister Bast because the remote possibility that the right hand might be ignorant of the left hand’s activities suggested itself to me in these news stories to which I refer, where I came upon an elusive company officer bearing the same name whose activities appear to have provoked at least one lawsuit and I even saw pictured in the midst of a disorderly episode where unfortunately his features were obscured by a feathered headdress in somewhat . . .

  —This the room that asked for the newspapers?

  —Par . . .? oh, oh that bed there I think yes, thank you. Yes it even occurred to me Mister Bast during the negotiations I . . .

  —That’s a dollar ten.

  —The, oh? oh I see all right yes, yes here, in these corporate negotiations I just discussed it had even occurred to me that this coincidence might have inspired their part in General Roll’s divestiture of.its longstanding major interest in the Nathan Wise Company through a bill sponsored by a Senator whose family happens to be among the original stockholders, providing family planning assistance to our prolific neighbors on the Asian subcontinent, and in turn enabling Nathan Wise to write off at retail its vast inventory accumulated since pharmaceutical measures to deal effectively with this historic dilemma have gained such popularity here among our own popula . . .

  —Still here Cohen? good . . .

  —Heavens I, that was quick . . .

  —Technician broke his glasses how do you like that, careful there Waddles . . .

  —I see yes well, yes some newspapers just arrived for you there Mister Duncan I’m sure you’ll find plenty to interest you while Mister Bast and I finish up here in terms of fixed assets you see Mister Bast, the Nathan Wise divestiture leaves the company with only the Astoria plant and its appurtenances, however you may be unaware of the enormous ramifications in terms of extensive damage suits throughout the data processing and punched card industries that may be expected to follow upon final resolution of a lawsuit originating well before my own connection with the company against a firm called JMI Industries then known as the Jubilee Musical Instrument Company, relating to applications of the Jacquard loom approach to information storage and retrieval in the form of punched holes as in the player pi . . .

  —On the hole business is very good, is that the one Cohen? That’s the message you asked me what was on those novelty rolls?

  —I see yes I, thank you Mister Duncan returning to your own position in this situation Mister Bast especially as viewed in terms of the possibilities we have just discussed, I am of course fully aware that, were you guided by strictly mercenary considerations, you would hardly have disdained your original opportunity to lay claim to a share of the estate in question against which no doubt you could have borrowed forthwith, particularly since recent changes in the law would appear to obviate any problems regarding your emancipation . . .

  —Like me to send you a few of those novelty rolls when I get back to Zanesville Cohen? The top man in the company he had cases sent out to all the division heads, sort of an encouraging word when you’re in the middle of . . .

  —No no thank you no, I wouldn’t . . .

  —Wouldn’t deprive anybody there’s a whole case there, just get fixed up and get back to Zanesville . . .

  —I would heartily support that Mister Duncan yes, now Mister Bast if we could clear up this one essential point which has been a major obstacle to the logical and satisfactory conclusion of this entire matter since my initial confron, my first meeting with your aunts . . .

  —Say Cohen, before you get into . . .

  —Mister Duncan please! I, I just purchased those newspapers for you in the admittedly desperate hope that reading them to yourself might provide you with sufficient diversion to permit . . .

  —Thanks that’s just what I want to do what do I owe you.

  —Nothing, only a brief period of si . . .

  —I just wanted to ask you to reach across him in that night table there and hand me the bedpan.

  —I, yes. Yes. Mister Bast? Under the circumstances . . .

  —Not leaving are you Cohen?

  —I think so yes I, I should get downtown for another probably equally futile here you are Mister Duncan, yes perhaps when I return tomorrow one of you will be discharged one of you, either one of you it almost ceases to matter . . .

  —Wait do you want to take this story about this wetback with the five dollar Cadillac I’ll tear it out for you, talking about wills and executors what this dumb millionaire did he made his wife executor so when he left the proceeds of this yacht and this Cadillac to some chip . . .

  —No no thank you all the same Mister Duncan the Corpus Juris is filled with such follies goodnight, goodnight Mister Bast I trust . . .

  —Thank you for the pencil Mister Coen.

  —Cohen? Bring him some tomorrow sharp ones, he wants fifty sharp ones getting on this thing it’s like riding a midget’s surfboard, there. Bast? listen to this one, Davenport Iowa. The wife of a wealthy East Coast publishing executive who disappeared from her fashionable Scarsdale New York home last Christmas eve was discovered here today working as a waitress in a coffeeshop in order to help her husband out of the severe financial difficulties she was convinced had overtaken him, which she believed he feared to confide even to her how do you like that. Reached at Boca Raton where he is attending a publishing convention, the six figure a year executive good naturedly characterized as cigar money his wife’s savings of nine hundred sixteen dollars and eleven cents in small bills and coins, discovered by chance when fire struck the four dollar a week room here in which she has no privacy in this place at all what do you want.

  —You’re Mister Duncan? You were to call the office about your insurance this health plan, is it all you have?

  —What’s wrong with it, I got it through those same son of a . . .

  —It’s very interesting, we’ve never seen one like it but it doesn’t seem to cover you till you enter the nursing home.

  —What makes you think I’m entering a nursing home.

  —If you want to get your coverage page eleven, twelve it’s down here miscellaneous provisions wait I brought a magnifying glass, approved nursing home care including specified prescription drugs and prosthetic devices in accordance with article sixteen paragraph twenty g, your departure by private hearse, plastic casket and complete service by the denomination of your choice with free plastic flower spray and your own personalized plot four by eight feet overlooking the picturesque leisure village of Union . . .

  —Wait hand me that newspaper no, under there that one those son of a, look here, Eldercare bill passes they passed this Eldercare bill that should . . .

  —But your age according to our . . .

  —Then I’ll just sit here till I qualify how do you like that, Waddles? Get this woman out of here she’s upsetting me, and get me off this thing, what’s that. Jello?

  —It’s your supper.

  —It’s Jello.

  —Mister Bast? Let’s just move all these papers and put your tray here, you have been busy today haven’t you.

  —Just hand me the financial page there before you go Waddles, read it while I eat this there’s no sense being sick twice see that Bast? Life never lets you down does it, the Dow just hit four fifty-three the whole thing’s finally going to pot how do you like that, wake up some morning and it just won’t be there that’s what I’m telling you Bast you can’t call yourself a failure if you’ve never done anything. Run the whole country into the ground get thirty or forty thousand boys killed but they’ll let you pretend it’s not a war as long as you don’t raise taxes to pay for it, son of a bitches who still think winning’s what it’s all about that’s what would scare them this is worse than that fish I never tasted anything like it. Lie about taxes cheat on the federal budget a few years of that you’ve got the rate of private debt formation running
double the real output it’s all supposed to be paid back from, let the interest rates triple on top of that and they’ll plant you a tree on the Perdinalies hand you a world bank or a three billion dollar foundation and give you ninety thousand a year walking around money while she sits in her four dollar a week room in Davenport and counts her tips that’s what I’m telling you Bast, if you want to make a million you don’t have to understand money, what you have to understand is people’s fears about money that’s what it’s all about try your Jello right on top of the cauliflower see? That way you can’t taste either one of them, you hear people crying about inflation that’s the only thing that’s kept it all going how else do they expect to pay back the two dollars they owe from the one they make here’s another of these son of a bitches listen to this. In a strongly worded appeal following today’s Senate hearings on the two hundred million dollar government loan guarantee favored by banking and investment interests engaged in reorganizing the complex corporate affairs of the same son of a bitches that got me out of the wallpap . . .

  —Are you boys all finished?

  —That’s the word Waddles, I’m never going to eat another bite.

  —You shouldn’t say a thing like that Mister Duncan, you’ll feel better after an enema.

  —Coffee?

  —You’re not to have coffee, I’ll get you some juice if you . . .

  —I’m talking about the enema a coffee enema, Waddles? Colombian coffee did you hear me? Conjuring up the impending threat of unemployed constituents in numerous states where the corporate son of a bitches where was I here, corporate holdings are located, Senator Broos went on to emphasize the further threat to company stockholders and its proliferation in terms of the current market plunge with the consequent headlong flight of the small investor as a near fatal wound upon the nation’s body politic son of a bitches never let you down do they, who said that Mark Twain a politician’s an ass everything’s sat on except a man? Stressing the vital necessity of expanded capital formation unimpeded by government restraints, Senator Broos’ impassioned plea for a restoration of faith on the part of the common man in the free enterprise system as the cornerstone of those son of a bitches who still think winning’s what it’s all about give them a string of high p e ratios and a rising market it’s all free enterprise all they howl about’s government restraints interference double taxation, all free enterprise till they wreck the whole thing they’re the first ones up there with a tin cup whining for the government to bail them out with a loan guarantee so they can do it all over again . . .

  —Here we are Mister Duncan, now let’s just . . .

  —What’s that, Waddles. I said coffee.

  —It’s just mineral oil it’s not going to bite you, now just lie on your side and try to re . . .

  —No such thing as free enterprise in this country since the Haymarket riots, the minute something threatens this expanding capital forma ow . . .

  —That’s it lie still now, just try to keep it in as long as you can that’s it . . .

  —Threaten this expanding capital formation and they’re at the head of the line whining for loan guarantees against the, the taxes on those tips she’s sitting out there counting at night on her four dollar davenport to, to . . .

  —That’s it now just keep it in . . .

  —to bail them out because she’s the only one who knows failure’s what it’s really all, all I don’t know how much longer I . . .

  —Just a little longer you’re doing fine . . .

  —See the debt burden rising twice as fast as income the price of chemicals today see that in the paper? Price of chemicals in the human body it’s worth three dollars and a half used to be ninety-eight cents when I, I can’t, good time to sell out try to slow down inflation the whole security market’s co, collapsing credit shrinkage forcing a, can’t . . .

  —Just a minute longer . . .

  —forcing a, a mass, massive outflow of . . .

  —Wait here’s the pan! here’s the pan! my . . .

  —I don’t, don’t feel too good Waddles . . .

  —Just lie back now it’s all right, let me change this sheet.

  —Just let me, hand me that paper there something I wanted to read to Bast.

  —He’s had a busy day Mister Duncan, I don’t think he even . . .

  —Bast? you awake? I thought you’d want to hear about our brave little fourth grader listen. A brief rockthrowing disturbance erupted here this morning when hot coffee, frankfurter and novelty vendors clashed with signcarrying members of the MAMA organization over their line of march past Cyclone Seven on the windswept Cultural Plaza where, for the eighth straight day, a haggard member of the local fire department stands with his torch ready to reach the brave little eighth straight day it can’t be, what day is it Waddles.

  —I don’t know is it Wednesday? let’s move your feet . . .

  —Where’s the rest of this paper wait, Bast? how do you like this one. An elderly drifter who has made his home with a local family in recent years was found in critical condition here today being nursed by two small children, who have been administering a mixture of maple syrup and plaster of Paris to him following what appears to have been a fall some days ago. In the unexplained absence of both parents, stories pieced together from neighbors and authorities at the nearby school where both had taught until recently indicate that each of them believed their elderly guest to be the other’s father, and during recent . . .

  —Mister Duncan why don’t you just rest now let me turn off the light, I think Mister Bast’s already . . .

  —He’s a good listener aren’t you Bast, that’s the whole secret of making people like you be an American you want everybody to like you. I took a Dale Carnegie course once learned you can’t trust anybody you can’t even trust yourself how do you like that, son of a bitches blow off their hands and feet wreck the whole economy just wanted everybody to like him, you wouldn’t believe I started out a Roman would you? Anything serious for confession sneak down to the slums and confess to the Franciscans they’d heard everything rape, incest, steal the household money that night you told me you’d had your chance and made a mess of it? Steal from the dime store the kind of things I did they’d hand out five hail Marys that story I told you about my boy, you didn’t believe it did you? Something I read in the paper once that’s why I told it to you Bast just get a good opinion of yourself that’s all you need, reach the end of the line waiting for God to drop the other shoe that’s all you’ve got . . .

  —Let’s just put your light out and settle down now Mister Duncan, I think you need . . .

  —Get fixed up and get back to Zanesville . . .

  —Don’t worry we’ll fix you up . . .

  —Good night nurse. You don’t hear that one anymore do you.

  —Good night now, I’ll see you boys in the morning . . . and the glow at the wall socket took up the loss of day, eyed the slow accumulation of the night.

  —Bast? you awake? Bast? Will you help me over here?

  —What, what is it. Mister Duncan?

  —I can’t find it help me over here will you?

  —Yes but, wait a minute, yes. What’s, but what are you reaching for . . .

  —Not the eye of a needle.

  —What?

  —Those people at the next bed there are they, I can’t understand them what are they Porto Ricans?

  —Mister Duncan there’s nobod . . .

  —Do you want to split a beer? Split a beer with me will you?

  —Well, well all right but . . .

  —Never in the service were you Bast?

  —No I, never . . .

  —Fourteen years it took me to get out of the wallpaper business the first payday I was drafted down there at Dix I started a ten cent crap game, son of a bitches came raised it a dollar five dollars ten I got out and started another ten cent crap game the same thing happened, kept happening till I was standing there alone crap games going on all around me I’d start
ed them all how do you like that. I said how do you like that.

  —Well I, I’m sorry it ended that way maybe I’d better . . .

  —It always does Bast it always does, life never lets you down the first night we were out there they put us out there in the Huertgen Forest Marty shouts over to us you guys want to see a dead German? Out there in the moonlight the moon was out half his head gone squatted there with his pants down I couldn’t take a crap for five days after that, you’d better get a case, Bast? Better get a case, call home and get three dollars and twenty eight cents. Have you had your lunch?

  —Well, well yes we . . .

  —What are you going to have for supper.

  —Well we, we just . . .

  —Have you got the money? Let’s see it . . .

  —Mis, Mister Duncan I’d better ring for the nurse . . .

  —Going at three fifty a good time to sell out I lost a daughter, did I tell you that Bast? Both of us get fixed up and go homesteading she could spell almost anything how do you like that, she was taking piano lessons when they took out her appendix son of a bitches never let you down do they it wasn’t her appendix at all. I took a bride doll up to her that’s the one thing she wanted, a bride doll, she’d keep missing the right notes keep trying it again she was learning a song called for Alise’s something like that I never did hear it like it was supposed to be, she’d miss notes leave little parts out and start again I always thought maybe someday I’d hear it right hear what I was supposed to there was a delicatessen near us named Alise’s then, that’s why I can even remember the name of it still hear it like she played it though that’s all I, all I want, I can still, hear it? hear it . . .?