The Faithful Heart

by Helena Halme

  On her way home, thinking about the interview and how she had to lie and pretend to be someone else, Kaisa wished she could have been herself. She wished she could have shown Richard and Kerry the person, the individual, as she really was, and not try to fit into a predetermined mould. Or perhaps it was progress that Kaisa had now learned to fit into that mould?

  When Kaisa got to King’s Terrace, Jeff was waiting outside her door, wanting to find out how the interview went. While they were drinking coffee in Kaisa’s untidy kitchen, and she began telling him about Richard and Kerry, and the questions they’d asked her, the intercom went. She opened the door to a grinning Duncan.

  ‘Hi,’ Kaisa said and Duncan took hold of her arms and planted gentle kisses on both of her cheeks before she had a chance to say Jeff was with her. Kaisa didn’t want Jeff to think she’d prearranged Duncan’s visit. She asked Duncan to go into the lounge and brought him a cup of coffee. She felt terrible thinking it, but Duncan looked very handsome, and even with Jeff in the room, he kept his pale blue eyes on Kaisa. She was still wearing her Nordic ice-queen trouser suit, and she had to hide her blush when Duncan commented on how good she looked.

  ‘If she doesn’t get a job looking like that, then whoever interviewed her must be gay,’ Duncan said to Jeff, while smiling at Kaisa.

  ‘Actually there was one woman there, too,’ Kaisa laughed.

  ‘Oh well, in that case, you’re in. Isn’t it true that most women fancy other women anyway?’ Duncan said.

  Kaisa had to bury her face in the steaming cup of coffee to hide another potential bout of blushing. She began to explain to Jeff that Duncan had asked her to mend his Navy jumper, which was true. As she went up the stairs to fetch the jumper, she thought how strange it was that instead of just mending it, sewing up a bit of the sleeve that had come away at the shoulder, she’d also washed the jumper. To her shame, Kaisa had actually liked touching the material that had been close to Duncan – but it made her feel terribly guilty.

  Back in the lounge, Kaisa handed the jumper over. Jeff swallowed the remains of the coffee and said to Duncan, ‘Time we left Mrs Peter Williams to relax after her busy day in the office, eh?’ Duncan got up and gave Kaisa a kiss on both cheeks – not close to her mouth this time, thank goodness. He smelled of aftershave and the wool of the jumper that he was holding with one hand. ‘Thank you so much for this. You have no idea what a treat it is for a bachelor like me to have their jumper mended by a lovely girl like you.’ Kaisa laughed nervously and tried to ignore the effect his closeness and scent had on her body. If Jeff hadn’t been there, she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t have just fallen into Duncan’s arms there and then. What was wrong with her?

  When she shut the door and heard the two men talking about some Navy gossip or other on their way down the staircase, she thought how utterly different Jeff and Duncan were from each other. Jeff was so straightforward – he spoke with a Pompey accent, got frequently drunk and had an endless string of girlfriends. On the other hand, she’d never seen the well-spoken Duncan with another girl. Another girl, Kaisa thought. What do I mean by ‘another’ girl? She went upstairs to change into her tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt and thought how she must stop thinking about Duncan.

  Later that night, as she watched the latest episode of Das Boot, a German drama about life aboard a U-boat during the war, Kaisa realised she was projecting Duncan’s face, and not Peter’s as she usually did, onto the young submarine officer’s character. What was happening to her? She needed Peter to come home very soon.

  * * *

  The letter arrived a lot sooner than she thought. It was put into her pigeonhole at work and she discovered it first thing in the morning. Kaisa’s hands trembled when she opened the brown envelope, and when she read the few lines, at first she couldn’t comprehend them.

  Kaisa suppressed the tears that tried to force their way out, put the letter in her handbag and rushed into the ladies. She read the letter again, now fully understanding its implications.

  Mrs Kaisa Williams,

  I’m sorry to have to inform you that you have not been successful in obtaining employment with IDS as Account Administrator for the Finance Department.

  Thank you for taking the time to attend the interview and for your interest in IDS.

  Yours sincerely,

  Richard Fairburn

  So she wasn’t wanted at IDS.

  Kaisa tried so hard, what more could she do? Disappointment, anger and shame enveloped her whole being as she sat on top of the loo seat, listening to the mundane chatter of those more fortunate girls with permanent jobs at IDS. They were getting ready for another day behind their desks, applying lipstick and gossiping about their bosses. Kaisa now knew she wasn’t as good as them. Even though she had a Master’s degree in economics, and she already had good experience in finance from working long summer months as an intern in the bank in Finland, she wasn’t good enough for IDS.

  Then it hit her. The difference between her and the girls now beginning to leave the loos one by one, was that they were all English. Perhaps Kaisa’s English wasn’t good enough, or she wasn’t modest enough? Perhaps she was too straightforward, or perhaps she was rude without realising it? The English and their sensibilities were difficult to understand sometimes.

  Kaisa glanced at her watch when she realised it was quiet outside in the corridor, and saw it was well past nine, the time she should be at her temporary desk. She took a deep breath, buried the letter in her handbag and checked herself in the mirror. The tears she’d feared hadn’t materialised, and she looked OK, if a little sad. She lifted the corners of her mouth up, and left the ladies.

  All through the day she managed to avoid Richard. She wouldn’t be able to take his kindness and pity today. But, towards the end of the day, he surprised her by coming up and tapping her on the shoulder.

  ‘Kaisa, would you pop into my office for a minute?’

  Kaisa looked up at him and nodded, ‘Yes, of course.’

  Once again, Kaisa was sitting inside the large glass cubicle. As she walked behind Richard, Kaisa felt the eyes of the other girls in the open plan office on her back. She was glad she’d worn her favourite white shirt and black cotton jumper combo, so if she got nervous and started sweating again, the dark patches wouldn’t show.

  ‘Sit down, please, Kaisa,’ Richard said when Kaisa had closed the glass door. ‘You had the letter and I’m sure you must be disappointed.’

  Kaisa looked down at her hands. Richard was sitting on the edge of his desk, closer to Kaisa than he had been during the interview.

  She now looked up and said, ‘Yes, I don’t understand …’

  ‘You see, Kaisa, we just couldn’t risk employing you,’ Richard interrupted her, ‘I just want to let you know that’s all it was.’

  ‘You mean my English isn’t good enough?’

  Richard laughed, ‘Oh God, no. Your English is better than mine, I’m sure of that.’

  ‘So what did I do wrong?’

  Richard got up from his perching position, stretched his back briefly, and went to sit behind his desk. He put his hands together and rested his chin on his fingers. ‘You see, Kaisa, as I said during the interview, we’ve had a few girls here who are married to the Navy and we know you ladies like to follow your husbands. You’ve only been married,’ here Richard consulted a piece of paper on his desk, ‘just a few months. If your husband is posted away next month, say, I cannot believe you’d stay behind in Portsmouth. That would leave us in the lurch, and we’d have to start the whole recruitment process again.’

  ‘But I said I wouldn’t move!’ Kaisa said, again feeling a pang of guilt for the lie.

  Richard smiled. ‘I know that’s what you say, but from experience … listen, don’t take this to heart, I’m sure you’ll find a good job soon.’ He got up and went to open the door – a signal for Kaisa to leave the office.

  Next day, when Kaisa went to have lunch at the canteen, she saw a group of girls gathered a
round Susan. As she approached, she heard Ann say to Susan, ‘Well done, I knew you were IDS material.’ Kaisa rushed out of the canteen and ducked into the loos. Why hadn’t Richard mentioned that Susan had applied for the job and got it? Or why hadn’t Susan said anything? Kaisa took deep breaths. She was at work, so she couldn’t cry her eyes out; she had to control herself. Of course, she understood why they’d chosen her over Kaisa; Susan was single, without a Navy husband who would make her up sticks and leave at the drop of a hat. Kaisa made a fist out of her hands and squeezed hard until her nails dug into her palms. The pain made her feel better and she got up, flushed the loo and walked into the canteen once more. The other girls had now gone, and Kaisa bought a sandwich and a cup of weak coffee. She ate quickly and on her way past Susan’s desk, said, ‘Congratulations,’ and walked briskly back to her own desk.

  Seven

  After a few days Kaisa became a little less depressed about her failed job interview. The agency had given her another two weeks at IDS and, since their conversation about the new job, Richard had been very friendly with Kaisa. She thought he felt sorry for her, but Kaisa didn’t care – she’d show him when she became the most celebrated businesswoman in the country. In any case, if the reason she didn’t get the job was because she loved Peter too much, so what. Wasn’t love more important than work? Susan didn’t have Peter – as far as Kaisa knew she didn’t even have a boyfriend.

  Kaisa was missing Peter every second of the day, and seeing Jeff every weekend wasn’t helping – somehow he made her miss her husband even more. Besides, Jeff had his own problems. He’d broken up with Billy and said he had no one to love. As usual for a Friday, Jeff phoned Kaisa up and asked if she’d go out to the pub that evening. Even though she was tired, Kaisa couldn’t say no to Jeff. Over their first drinks, she asked him what had happened with Billy.

  ‘Dunno,’ Jeff said.

  Kaisa gave him a friendly hug, and said she wished nothing more than that he’d find someone. Jeff looked depressed and stared into his half-drunk pint for a long time. When Kaisa glanced around the pub, she saw that Jeff’s mother was looking at them. Kaisa smiled, but the friendly gesture wasn’t reciprocated. Kaisa wondered if she’d done or said something bad to the pub landlady. Both Peter and Jeff often told her that things she had said, or most often hadn’t said, were unfriendly or bad manners. She was constantly or tenterhooks and watching what she said and did to make sure she wasn’t offending anyone. She’d learned that the English got upset very easily.

  ‘Heard from Peter?’ Jeff asked and gulped down his drink.

  Kaisa just shook her head. She hadn’t had a letter for weeks. When she did get a letter she was elated and skipped up the stairs to their top-floor flat to read it. But once she’d reread Peter’s words three or four times, the longing for him became worse again. So in a way not getting letters, although worrying, was less unsettling.

  Jeff must have read her mind, because he nudged her. They were sitting side by side on their favourite seat, in the back corner of the pub. Kaisa thought they must have looked a sad pair: one pining for her sailor husband, the other for yet another failed relationship.

  ‘He’s alright, you know,’ Jeff said and looked at Kaisa from under his blond eyebrows. ‘He’s probably just too bloody lazy to write.’

  Kaisa laughed.

  ‘Go on, drink up, it’s my round.’

  While Jeff was getting the drinks Kaisa wondered why girls kept leaving him. He was quite good looking in a completely opposite way to Peter. His hair was fair and not very thick, and he was a lot heavier built than Peter, but not in an unattractive way. Was he unfaithful to the girls? That wouldn’t surprise Kaisa, but why would he do that if he really wanted a steady girlfriend?

  Suddenly Kaisa remembered what had happened in the office earlier that day.

  ‘Listen,’ she said to Jeff when he came back with two pints. ‘A girl in the office is having a fancy dress party tomorrow and they asked me if I knew any single guys, so I said of course I did, loads!’

  Talking about the party cheered them both up, and they started planning how they would get there, because it was just outside Portsmouth, on Hayling Island. Jeff decided that he’d invite three or four guys from the warfare course he was on. One of them could give the others a lift, but that left Kaisa stranded.

  ‘How about if you invite Duncan? His car is in a garage being repaired, but he could drive Peter’s car, couldn’t he?’ Duncan was renting a house on the other side of the water in Gosport.

  Kaisa looked at Jeff’s face. He looked normal, there was no sign of mischief there. Had he not noticed the tension between Duncan and her the other night?

  Duncan was delighted to be invited to Kaisa’s IDS party, and agreed happily to the plan. Kaisa spent a long time deciding what she should wear. The theme of the party was Club Tropicana, after the Wham! hit, but Kaisa didn’t have any suitable fancy dress clothes, and as it was the weekend before payday had no money to go and buy anything new. She decided to wear the light-blue silk skirt and top she wore to the breakfast party in London in the summer. She knew it suited her and it was summery. On top, she could wear a blue jumper and jazz up her hair with a large pink flower slide that she’d brought on a whim before she left Finland. It was a massive paper orchid, and totally over the top, but it suited her, and the theme of the party.

  Duncan was standing outside the row of garages at exactly 7.30pm, as agreed. After kissing Kaisa on both cheeks and telling her she looked beautiful, he helped to open the awkward steel door. Kaisa was wearing high-heeled shoes and was worried she’d make her clothes dirty, so in the end Duncan took the key out of her hand and pulled the door over and open. When Kaisa saw the Ford Fiesta, she immediately felt guilty; what would Peter say if he knew she was getting Duncan to drive her to a party in his car? Jeff didn’t think it was a problem at all, but he didn’t know what (if anything?) was going on between her and Duncan.

  As Duncan drove the car out of the garage, Kaisa managed to close the door. She really should get a driving licence; it was ridiculous that she didn’t have one yet. Last night, after their third round of drinks, she and Jeff had promised each other that they’d start taking lessons together. When she turned around she could hear the purr of the engine, but Duncan was now standing beside the car.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Look at the wheels!’ Duncan said.

  Kaisa walked around the little grey car and immediately noticed the familiar, faint shape of a heart on the bonnet. Another pang of guilt hit her; Peter had asked her to wash the car after their shotgun English wedding, but she’d postponed doing so, and now the shape Jeff had sprayed onto their car with shaving cream, was a permanent feature of the Fiesta. Jeff thought it funny, and even Peter laughed every time his friend pointed it out, but she knew that really Peter was annoyed at her for not washing it off immediately after he went away on their first day of marriage. It seemed like an age ago now, yet it was only three months.

  Duncan was walking around the car. ‘Three of the tyres are flat.’

  ‘Oh,’ Kaisa said.

  ‘And there’s no petrol either.’

  Duncan and Kaisa looked at each other. Both were serious for a moment, then burst out laughing. ‘What are we going to do?’ Kaisa said.

  ‘Get a cab?’

  ‘Well …’ Kaisa had only a fiver in her purse. She’d spent more than she had planned in the pub the night before.

  ‘It’s OK, I’ve got cash,’ Duncan said and smiled. ‘You go and open the garage again and I’ll try to reverse it back.’

  Luckily, Kaisa hadn’t locked the garage. She went over and twisted the handle. This time the door opened easily — it was as if the runners had been oiled from opening it up for the first time in weeks, just minutes earlier.

  On the way to the party Duncan and Kaisa laughed about the state of Peter’s car, and Kaisa silently promised herself to take those driving lessons. They had a car, and she should drive it a
nd look after it. Her father was an engineer after all; it couldn’t be so hard.

  The IDS party was in a small flat on Hayling Island, and it took Duncan and Kaisa over twenty minutes to get there. Jeff and his friends had arrived earlier, and Jeff was grinning at her, drinking a can of beer. He was wearing a short-sleeved Hawaiian shirt, open to his navel and revealing a mop of light chest hair. He had flip flops on his feet, exposing equally hairy feet under his frayed jeans. Kaisa thought he looked more like a tramp than one of the Wham! boys in the ‘Club Tropicana’ video, but as usual there was something charmingly boyish about him, and Kaisa hugged him hard. He really was a good friend, and without him Kaisa would be very lonely indeed in her new home country.

  The place was full to bursting with people from work – some Kaisa knew and had talked to, others she knew only by sight. To her surprise, Ann was there too, and complimented her on bringing so many single men. Everyone seemed to know that she was the reason there were several naval officers at the party. When Jeff introduced his four mates to Kaisa, she was reminded of the high value women placed on Peter’s profession, and thought how lucky she was. She recalled the times at the Harlequin Club, the Navy’s disco, when she’d been eyed suspiciously by the other (English) women there. ‘They’re just jealous you’ve bagged a Navy officer,’ Peter had once said to her while drunk. They’d been walking home from the pub after another lock-in and she’d asked why the other girls seemed so unfriendly at the Harlequin Club. But these IDS girls seemed to be happy with her rather than jealous.

  One of Jeff’s friends, whose name Kaisa had forgotten as soon as she’d been introduced, asked her if she wanted a drink, and as soon as he’d said it, Duncan, too, asked, as did Jeff and his other two friends. ‘Can I get you a drink, Kaisa?’, ‘Kaisa would you like me to get you a drink?’ they said in turn. It became a joke and, surrounding her, they all made a show of eagerly waiting to hear which one of them she’d choose. Kaisa just laughed and said, to Jeff, because he was the safest option, ‘I’d love a G&T, or white wine, whichever they have.’