The Faithful Heart

by Helena Halme

  The long tables were laid out with white cloths and silver cutlery. Kaisa was fortunate enough to be seated well away from Max and Caroline. She didn’t quite know how, because there must have been more women then men there, with whole submarine crews away at sea, but they had managed to do a table arrangement of boy, girl, boy. Kaisa was sitting next to a pimply-faced Part Three who, after telling Kaisa his name was Sean, ignored her and just drank pint after pint of bitter, while conducting a lively conversation with another Part Three opposite. Occasionally, he would glance at Kaisa’s breasts, but he didn’t seem able to look her in the eyes. Kaisa was wearing her black-and-white, low-cut dress, which she knew suited her but which she’d worn at least three times at naval events before. The straps of the dress were so thin that she couldn’t wear a bra with it and, judging from the reaction of her table partner, the lack of a brassiere showed. Kaisa cursed her foolishness and vanity – not only did she have the reputation for being a hussy; she now dressed like one. When the meal was over and they all retreated to the Wardroom bar where the dance floor had been set up, her companion offered Kaisa his arm. She’d already forgotten his name, but she was pleased not to have to confront either Max or Phoebe and the gossiping women on her own. Sean (he reminded Kaisa) turned out to be a good dancer. Kaisa and the young officer spent most of the evening on the dance floor, which suited her, because it meant she didn’t need to talk to anyone. Kaisa could feel the eyes of the women on her, but by now she was drunk enough after copious amounts of wine, not to care. Kaisa also loved port, and had matched her companion in consuming a few glasses of it when the decanter was passed around the tables after dessert.

  At midnight, with crossed hands, Kaisa and Sean and the rest of the large crowd, sang ‘Auld Lang Syne’ together. Sean fetched Kaisa’s coat from the lobby and took her outside to view the fireworks. Watching the flares light up the dark Scottish sky made Kaisa tearful. She missed Peter, and would so much rather have been with him than the pimply youth. But the music started up again, and Sean led Kaisa once more to the dance floor. After a few more tracks, she saw he was getting quite drunk. When ‘Every Time You Go Away’ by Paul Young came on, he took hold of Kaisa’s waist, pushed his crotch against her thigh and began singing into her ear. Kaisa moved her body away and, laughing, said, ‘I think it’s time for me to go.’ As luck would have it, Max and Caroline were just then scanning the dimly lit dance floor for her.

  ‘We were thinking of leaving,’ Caroline said. Kaisa gave Sean a light peck on his cheek and thanked him for looking after her all evening. Sean waved his hand and returned to his mates and another pint of beer.

  On the way home, Caroline closed her eyes and leaned against the front seat. Kaisa was in the back again and tried to do the same, but she felt Max’s dark eyes on her in the rear-view mirror. ‘You made quite an impression on the young lad, there,’ he said, but didn’t smile. Kaisa shuddered, but didn’t reply. She was glad it took only ten minutes from the base to reach the married quarters at Smuggler’s Way.

  Thirty-One

  The 2nd of January was a bank holiday in Scotland, which meant the swimming pool at the base was closed, as were the shops, so Kaisa couldn’t even go and buy supplies for Lyn. Of course, she could have driven the small distance to see if the heavily pregnant girl was alright, but Kaisa thought Lyn was used to her bringing something and she had nothing in the house that she could take. And Kaisa felt the need to be more careful. Having thought about it, she was fairly sure either Max recognised her car outside the camp, or remembered the number plate of the car parked there, and noticed that it matched that of Kaisa’s Ford Fiesta later that day. Why he didn’t say anything was a little puzzling. Kaisa had decided that if he asked, she was going to say the water in the windscreen washer had frozen, so she’d parked on the side of the road to clean the windscreen. (Which was very slightly true, because Lyn had given Kaisa some boiling water to defrost the water container under the bonnet.) Besides, Kaisa was fairly sure Max hadn’t actually seen her go into the camp.

  But Max, of course, was the least of her worries. The day before, on New Year’s Day, while Kaisa was watching the traditional celebratory concert from Vienna, and feeling very homesick, because she used to watch it with her mother or Sirkka, Phoebe phoned. ‘Your behaviour at the Hogmanay party was despicable.’ Kaisa couldn’t quite believe her ears.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, you know perfectly well. I spent the whole evening defending you, telling everyone that you were not that kind of a girl, and then you go and show yourself up like that!’

  Kaisa held the receiver away from her ear and closed her eyes. She counted to ten and said slowly, ‘Phoebe, there is no need for you to defend me. I can take care of myself.’

  ‘That’s apparent!’

  When Kaisa didn’t reply, she carried on. ‘And to think that poor Peter is coming home tomorrow! Goodness knows what he’ll think when he hears …’

  ‘And what is he going to hear? And from whom?’ Kaisa interrupted her. In spite of trying to stay calm, her voice had risen, and she could hear herself shouting the last words.

  ‘There’s no need to …’

  ‘Goodbye, Phoebe,’ Kaisa said and slammed down the phone. She put her head in her hands and felt tears roll down her face. Kaisa had less than 24 hours to think of what to say to Peter. Plus she had to clean the house and do a mountain of washing, including Peter’s shirts, which had been in the laundry basket since before he went away. How would Kaisa be able to dry and iron it all in time? The married quarters up on Smuggler’s Way were all damp; worse in the winter. Laundry could sometime take 48 hours to dry properly. There was no way she’d be able to get everything done. Kaisa was such a crap housewife, a crap Navy wife, a crap wife in general.

  Thirty-Two

  Peter scanned the jetty for Kaisa, but couldn’t see her blonde head among the group of wives and children fighting the horizontal rain and wind blowing from the Gareloch. Eventually he spotted her standing at the other end of the jetty, her arms crossed over her chest, struggling with an umbrella against the strong winds. Peter waved but saw that Kaisa wasn’t even looking, or trying to spot him.

  When he was finally standing in front of Kaisa, her scent was lovelier and her pale blue eyes even more beautiful than he’d remembered.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ he said and kissed her fully on the mouth. She tasted as sweet as he’d imagined during the long, boring hours of duty. ‘Let’s get out of this rain.’ Peter ushered Kaisa away from the men and women and children crowding around each other. ‘Where’s the car?’ he said and saw it almost as soon as he’d said the words. Even though it was raining, he could see the Ford Fiesta was covered in mud. Peter strode purposefully towards the driver’s side and flung his Pusser’s grip onto the back seat. He decided not to say anything, although he found himself wondering what on earth Kaisa had done during all the weeks he’d been away if she hadn’t even had time to take the car into a garage for a wash.

  ‘You want to drive?’ Kaisa said. She was standing behind him, keys in hand, apparently waiting for him to move to the passenger side. Peter gave her cheek a peck and, taking the keys from her hand, said, ‘Yeah, I’ll drive.’

  Kaisa gave him a blank look, then, without saying a word, walked around the car, closed her umbrella, chucked it inside, and sat down.

  They drove the short distance home to Smuggler’s Way in an awkward silence. Kaisa kept shifting in her seat, not looking at Peter. Once, after he’d nodded to the guard by the gate of the base, and they were on the straight road running along the Gareloch, Peter squeezed Kaisa’s knee and she turned briefly around and returned his smile.

  There was so much he wanted to tell her. About the difference between this patrol and his experiences at sea on a diesel boat, or even HMS Tempest. How they’d moved slowly and quietly from place to place, unlike the cat-and-mouse game they’d played with Russian subs in his previous appointments. He wanted to tell her
how many letters he had written to her when alone in his bunk. They remained unsent, kept safe in his uniform pocket. And he wanted to say how incredibly happy he’d been to spot her on the jetty at last, having been scared that she wouldn’t be there to welcome him home. During the long patrol, he’d kept having the same dream about her leaving him and returning to Finland. She’s just nervous about having me around again, Peter convinced himself now, as he turned the car into Smuggler’s Way and drove up the hill. The ugliness of the pebbledash married quarters took him by surprise again, but he decided not to share this depressing thought with his wife. Peter knew she hated the grey buildings as much as he did, so why make it worse by discussing it?

  ‘So you didn’t get time to wash the car?’ he said instead, as he turned the engine off outside their house.

  Kaisa turned her head towards him and said, as if the thought had never crossed her mind, ‘Oh, no, sorry.’

  ‘Never mind, we’ll do it together at the weekend, shall we?’

  Peter was looking forward to a glorious four weeks’ holiday after he’d done the usual couple of days’ work to prepare the submarine for the second crew.

  ‘I thought we could drive down to Wiltshire to see my parents?’ he said when they were finally inside the house.

  ‘I’ve got something to tell you,’ Kaisa said. Her face was deadly serious and she looked close to tears. Peter stepped nearer and took her into his arms.

  ‘Darling, I’ve missed you so much!’ Peter went to kiss Kaisa but noticed that there were tears running down her face. ‘It’s OK, I’m home now,’ he said and handed her his hankie.

  ‘Oh, Peter,’ Kaisa said and began sobbing against his shoulder.

  Thirty-Three

  Of course, Peter couldn’t hear Kaisa out before they’d made love. Kaisa, too, needed the intimacy. What with looking after Pammy, and visiting Lyn, worrying about Duncan and all the rumours, Kaisa had forgotten how much she’d missed Peter. After the submarine had docked, she’d been scanning the jetty, but she must have been looking in the wrong direction, because suddenly he’d been in front of her, looking pale, but handsome.

  Now lying in bed, listening to his steady breathing (he’d fallen asleep almost immediately after making love), Kaisa wasn’t sure she’d be able to tell him the truth. She looked at the radio alarm clock, lifting herself up gently, so as not to wake Peter. It was coming up to three o’clock. The submarine had docked just after midday, but it had taken an age for the crew to disembark. By the time they’d got home it was already getting a little darker.

  Kaisa got out of bed, and tiptoed into the kitchen. She closed the door and went over to her coffee maker. She put the kettle on for Peter’s tea and measured coffee into the percolator. The rain had given way to beautiful late afternoon sunshine, which turned the colour of the loch a pale pewter. She could just make out the submarines at the base to the far right. Looking at the sleek, black shapes, she understood why the boats were the colour they were. Kaisa hugged the hot cup of coffee with her hands, and jumped when she heard the door behind her open.

  ‘Any chance of a cup of tea?’ Peter said and put his arm around Kaisa’s waist. He nuzzled his face into her neck and whispered, ‘God, I’ve missed you.’

  Kaisa turned around and gave Peter a kiss. ‘Me too,’ she said and smiled. She’d decided that she wasn’t going to talk to Peter today. Not on his first day at home. That just wasn’t fair. But she did have to tell him about Jeff and Susan. She hadn’t wanted to tell Peter about their break-up in the weekly Familygram, because she knew it would have upset him.

  ‘Darling, Jeff phoned me before Christmas. Susan broke off the engagement.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Peter sat down at the kitchen table while Kaisa told him about Susan and the missed promotion at IDS.

  ‘So she chose a career over Jeff,’ Peter said drily. He wasn’t looking at Kaisa, but down at his mug of tea.

  ‘Yeah,’ Kaisa said.

  There was a silence between them, which neither seemed to want to fill.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ Kaisa said finally, and bent down to kiss Peter.

  ‘Me too,’ he said and pulled her onto his lap.

  Peter and Kaisa spent the first weekend of his six weeks ashore in a blissful, private cloud of happiness. Although Kaisa kept worrying about Lyn, she didn’t have the courage to tell Peter about her new friend. Each time they drove past the peace camp, she tried to crane her neck to see if Lyn was sitting by the fire outside the caravan, but the campsite looked empty and deserted. She wondered if Lyn had had the baby already and was in hospital. She knew there was a small maternity ward over the hill, near Loch Lomond, but she might have been taken to Glasgow, as Pammy had been. Kaisa couldn’t believe Lyn would have the baby in the caravan. She hoped Lisa, the midwife friend, was sensible enough to take her to a hospital. At least Lisa was there, Kaisa thought.

  But there was no time for Kaisa to worry about Lyn, or Duncan for that matter, because Peter had planned a full social schedule for them. On the Saturday after he got back, they went to visit Stef outside Dumbarton. Kaisa felt ashamed that she hadn’t been to see her, but blamed her own newly acquired driving skills. She said she was still afraid to go further than Helensburgh on her own. That was a blatant lie, she knew it, but she was caught out so quickly with the question, she didn’t know what else to say. Tom was away, but Stef had her mother staying with her to look after Jessica, as they’d called the baby. Kaisa was glad she’d at least sent a congratulations card before Christmas, and now they took another card and a present – a pink bear they’d found in a gift shop in town.

  Peter and Kaisa spent the Sunday morning in bed, lazing around until midday, when Peter said they should drive to the pretty village of Inveraray, which Peter knew from his time in O-boats.

  ‘There’s a castle and a really good pub called The George,’ he told Kaisa. ‘We’ll have a pint and lunch and then have a walk around the castle. Would you like that?’ Peter squeezed Kaisa’s waist.

  They were lucky with the weather. The sun peeked out from under the low clouds as Peter drove up the hill and past the base. Kaisa scanned the peace camp on her right, but again it looked deserted. She decided to put thoughts of Lyn out of her mind – surely she’d understand that now her husband was back, Kaisa wouldn’t be able to come around as often – or at all? Kaisa reminded herself that Lyn had Lisa, and the scary Gerry, to look after her.

  The landscape changed almost immediately when Peter drove past the base. They climbed higher and higher, and skirted a deep loch on their left.

  ‘That is Loch Long,’ Peter said.

  ‘How do you know all these places?’ Kaisa asked, but Peter tapped his nose,

  ‘If I tell you, I’d have to kill you.’ Peter laughed. Kaisa smiled, but felt shut out; it may have been a joke, but the truth was that so much of Peter’s life was secretive. Kaisa couldn’t really understand how he could cope with all that confidential information without sometimes wanting to share it with his own wife. Kaisa had one huge secret that she was keeping from Peter, and the pressure of it made her jittery and unhappy.

  The scenery became even more impressive as Peter drove around the loch and across a majestic valley with high hills in every direction. Even in the bleakest month of January the colours of the heather against the dark pine woods and the steel-coloured sky took Kaisa’s breath away.

  ‘Wouldn’t you like to go hiking with me here?’ Peter asked.

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ Kaisa said, at which Peter laughed. ‘Try to sound a bit keener!’

  Kaisa couldn’t think of anything worse than hiking. It sounded far too close to orienteering, a sport she’d hated at school in Finland, where it had been a compulsory activity in the long autumn term. Kaisa had never been able to understand how a compass worked, or been able to determine direction from just looking at the position of the sun. She couldn’t comprehend the point of walking through forests, open to all elements, getting bitten by mosquitoes – or, wo
rse, snakes – when you could just as easily drive to your destination, take a picnic, walk a few metres, eat, enjoy the scenery and leave. Or as they were doing today, drive through the pretty bits and have lunch in a lovely pub. But she didn’t say any of this to Peter. Instead she said, ‘That’ll be nice, as long as it is dry. I hate being cold, you know that.’

  Peter just laughed and squeezed her knee. Kaisa was stunned by the beauty of the road leading to Inveraray. Like so much of Scotland, the stark colours, the water and the stillness of the countryside reminded her of Finland. She breathed in the air and stared at the view.

  ‘C’mon, we’ll get wet.’ It had just started raining as Peter parked the car. They ran along the tiny high street straight into the pub. The George Inn was a hotel, really, and when they walked into the low-ceilinged back bar, the landlady, an older woman with very blonde hair and very red lipstick, welcomed Peter with a hug. ‘How are you young lad, then?’ she said and began pulling a pint. ‘The usual?’ she said and gave Peter a wide smile.

  ‘Thanks, Greta. This is my wife, Kaisa.’ Kaisa shook Greta’s hand, and noticed that she had a firm grip and a direct gaze. She was wearing a colourful jumper, which was a little too low cut for a woman of her age, and revealed too much of her wrinkly décolletage. When they sat down with their drinks, having ordered the food (scampi and chips for Kaisa, ham, egg and chips for Peter), Peter told Kaisa he’d stayed there the year before when his O-boat had been docked in the harbour. Again, Kaisa was disturbed about how much he didn’t tell her about his life away from her.

  Thirty-Four

  ‘So, I hear Duncan has been in town?’ Peter said as soon as he walked into the house.