“I don’t know,” he replies hesitantly. “I know what you’re saying, but what if it’s worse than they tell us?”
“What if they’re not telling us the truth?” I add. Letting go of his hand, I move to my side, and prop myself up on one arm so I can stare at Cain. He’s so beautiful. He always has been. He’s got the biggest brown eyes, and the sweetest smile. He has a dimple in his chin that never goes away, but when he smiles, it becomes deeper. “Don’t tell me you don’t think about that?”
Cain and I often find time to come out here and lay beside the wall. We think alike on most things, but I can tell how he struggles when I start talking about the outside world.
“I don’t want you to marry an Elder any more than you want it. And I think you should be free to learn how to read and write, like we men are. But going outside? I’m not sure about that, Luna.” He scrunches his face, and stares away from me. “I wish I could marry you,” he says in a smaller voice. “And I wish nothing more than for us to be together. But…” he trails off in a small voice. “As long as the outside world is filled with horror, disease, and death, then we’re better off staying here.”
Frustration begins to bubble. I want to scale the walls, and leave with Cain. If I’m wrong, then at least I will see it with my own eyes. “I want to see it for myself,” I grumble.
“We have to trust the Elders. They haven’t done anything to make us mistrust them.”
“I want to see what a bus is. What it does.”
“A bus? What on earth…”
“Remember? The book you showed me when we were younger. You showed me a picture of a bus, and you were helping me learn to read.”
Cain sits up, crosses his legs, and smirks at me. “How do you remember that?”
I mimic his moves, our knees nearly touching. I can feel the warmth of his body rolling off him. I shift closer, our knees are now touching. My heart skips a beat. I love being close to him. He makes me happy. He always looks out for me, and when we’re touching, he’s the one who pulls back because he knows I’ll get into trouble if the Elders catch us. “I want you to give me my first kiss,” I say, choosing to put the memory of the bus behind me. “Do you think we can?”
Cain looks around, making sure no one can see us, or is near us. He leans forward, and I automatically copy his body language. His face is so close to mine. I can feel his warm breath on my lips. I swallow the lump back, and try to calm my excited heartrate. He leans his forehead on mine. Closing my eyes, I take in this moment. Everything is right. We’re so close. “I want to,” he says in a husky voice.
“I want you to,” I say, breathing in deeply and taking in his smell.
“But we can’t. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you got in trouble because we kissed.”
Leaning back, I open my eyes. I’m disappointed, but also relieved. If an Elder saw us together, I would have received another whipping, for sure. They hurt. I have scars on my back from where Elder Steven has hit on the same spot. It’s always with his belt… the buckle end. I think he enjoys whipping girls, especially me. I can hear the happiness in his voice when he’s lecturing me and all the other girls. The Mommas and Sisters always tell me I’m to blame, because I don’t follow the Elders’ rules.
If whipping me is for my own good, I’m ready to see what’s on the outside of these walls. It can’t be much worse than life in here.
“I know,” I say to Cain. “But I wish we lived in a time and place where we’re free to touch, and to do what we want.”
“We could run away,” Cain says then adds in a chuckle. “Although, I’ve never heard of anyone who’s been outside the wall. I’m not sure where we could run away to.”
“I wonder how many days it’ll take to walk the whole way around the wall. Do you know?” I ask Cain, who’s staring into my eyes.
“You’re so beautiful, Luna.” I blush and smile. “No, I have no idea how many days it would take to walk the wall. Elder Jacob said we’d get lost out in the wilderness.” He points behind him.
I look to where he’s pointing, and my mind starts to question everything. There’s a huge part where we can’t see the wall because the trees are so tall and dense. No one goes there, because the Elders say, beyond the trees is the wall, and they’ve been touched by disease. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what a lot of things mean in Haven. I’d like to, but as the Elders often say, girls don’t need to learn anything except how to cook, clean, sew and take care of the men.
Staring at where Cain’s indicated, I really want to walk around the wall. Maybe I’ll find something new. “One day, I’m going to walk the wall. I want to start behind the trees.”
“What?” Cain leaps to his feet and paces back and forth. “You can’t. You’ll die.”
“What if I don’t die? What if I find something out there?”
“What do you expect to find? Disease? Death? No, Luna, I forbid you to go.” He stops walking and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
“What do you mean, you forbid me?” I stand to face him, hands on my hips.
“You heard me. I’m the man, and you’re the girl, you have to obey me.”
“Over there, yes.” I point to where the main house is. “But when we’re here, just you and me, it’s not like that.” He lifts his chin in defiance. “You could always come with me.” I step forward and place my hands on his folded arms. I don’t care if an Elder sees me touching him, I’ll take the whipping. “Please. Cain, I’m going crazy in here. I just need to see what it’s like. I promise, if it’s bad, we can come back.”
“But the wall is diseased. That’s what the Elders have told us. If you touch it, you could die. I can’t…”
“Please. If… if…” I don’t know what to say. I want him to come with me, but I don’t know how to convince him. “If it gets too scary, we’ll turn back.”
Cain’s resolve is not budging. “I can’t let you do this, Luna. It’s too dangerous.”
“Cain, please?” I beg. I really want to go, and I know he’ll protect me if we go together. “I need to see for myself.”
“No, we can’t. It’s not safe.”
“I can’t live like this. I have to know.” I’m so angry. Why won’t he come?
Cain’s shaking his head. His shoulders relax, and he steps closer to me. Looking over his shoulders, he steps in and hugs me. “Luna,” he whispers. I revel in this feeling. I can’t believe how desperate I’ve been for him to embrace me, and how much I like it. “We can’t.”
He steps back, and looks over his shoulders again, making sure none of the Elders are running to drag me away and whip me. I notice the pained look on Cain’s face. I think he wants to go, but at the same time, leaving God’s Haven is terrifying to him. It takes me a long heartbeat to decide never to bring this subject up again. But it takes me only an instant to make the decision to go on my own. “Okay,” I say as I look down at my feet, refusing to meet his gaze in case he can stare into my soul and see my plan.
“Promise me,” he says.
I’ve never lied to Cain. I’ve never had to.
“I promise,” I whisper, still looking down at my feet. The words come out of my mouth easily. And I hate myself for lying to him. But I need to get out of here and see what’s on the other side.
And I have to do it soon. Because if I don’t, I’m going to end up of age, and I’ll have to wed one of the Elders, and knowing how much joy I bring to Elder Steven when he whips me, I’ll probably be one of his wives. I see how horrible he is to them, and I don’t want to be one of them.
“You’ll be of age soon, Luna, and you’ll be getting married,” Sister Janice says as we prepare dinner.
“I know,” I say, trying to pretend some enthusiasm. But inside, I feel like I’m dying. I don’t want to marry any of the Elders. I don’t want to get married at all.
“I overheard some of the Elders talking, and quite a few of them want you. That’s got to be exciting. To be wante
d by so many.”
The thought of getting married makes my skin crawl. Most of the Elders are wrinkly, and some have no hair on their heads. Why do I have to get married to an Elder? Why do I have to get married at all? “That’s nice,” I say as I peel the heap of potatoes stacked on the counter.
“You should feel honored so many of the Elders want you. There was a girl, Theresa, none of the Elders wanted her. They ended up marrying her with Elder Edam, and you know what he did to her?” I shake my head. I don’t recall anyone by the name of Theresa. “Elder Edam said he couldn’t break her in, she wouldn’t allow him to calm her. She was segregated from us, because of her temper.” A shudder wiggles up my spine. “She couldn’t give him heirs. It’s said she was forced to the outside.”
“Is that what it takes?” I mumble beneath my breath, knowing it’s not loud enough for Sister Janice to hear.
“Hopefully you’ll be with child the night you wed.”
My stomach churns, and I fight hard not to vomit in front of Momma. I’ve heard some of the mommas talking about sex, and having sex with the Elders, but no one has actually told me anything about it. “I don’t want to have sex with the Elders,” I say. “Do I have to?”
“Hush, child,” she snaps at me. “It’s what we’re supposed to do. You’ll marry an Elder, and he’ll be the one to look after you. But if another Elder wants you, then you’ll go to him.”
I cringe again. “What exactly is sex?” I keep peeling the potatoes.
Sister Janice’s face reddens. “It’s where the man puts his penis in your vagina.”
“What? How?”
The tips of her ears grow pink. “You both get naked, you’ll open your legs, and he’ll tell you what to do. He’ll push his penis in your vagina, and he’ll get satisfaction from it. When he’s done, he’ll pull his penis out, and you’ll be free to leave his bed if he’s not the Elder you’re wed to.”
I’m completely disgusted. I can’t even hug Cain without fear of being whipped, but the Elders get to put their penis inside me, and that’s okay? How is that normal?
“Great,” I mumble to myself. I want to ask a ton of questions, but I know if an Elder overhears, I’ll be whipped for sure. They tell us often not to ask questions because we’re too dumb to understand the answers.
But I don’t think I’m dumb. I can’t read or write, not past what Cain’s taught me, but I don’t think I’m stupid either.
“It’s a great honor, child,” Sister says again. “To be wanted by so many.”
“How will they decide who gets me?”
“I don’t know. We’re not permitted to ask such silly questions. You’ll know when they’re ready to tell you, but it’s usually before you’re due to be wed.” She leans in and whispers, “and that’s when all the fun begins.”
I scrunch my nose. Sounds revolting to me. All the Elders are so… yuck. And mean too. “How was Theresa banished to the outside world?”
“Why are you asking so many questions, Luna? You don’t need to know the answers. We trust in the Elders. We believe in them, and have faith that all their decisions are to keep us safe. They are our masters.”
Safe from what? They only ever tell us the outside world is dangerous, but I don’t know anyone who’s actually seen it. I want to see it, to experience it for myself. Why can’t I? Every day I become more frustrated and irritated that I can’t see.
“I know,” I reply to her words. No use in asking anything else, because I’m not going to get an answer.
“Luna?” I turn and find Cain standing at the entrance to the kitchen. “Come.” He gestures for me to go with him.
“I’m peeling potatoes, come help,” I retort.
“Hush,” Sister Janice nearly barks at me. “When a man calls you, you have to go. You know this, Luna.”
I roll my eyes at Sister. “I know, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to help. There’s a lot of potatoes here.” I eye the endless heap.
“The men don’t do the cooking. What has gotten into you?” She clips me on the back of the head.
“He’s got two hands, he can help,” I grumble under my breath.
“Leave the potatoes and go.”
I place the peeler in the sink, and wash my hands. “Bye.” I lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek. The moment we’re outside, I turn and follow Cain to the back where we like to lie beneath the wall.
But I quickly overtake him, and run ahead. “Slow down,” he huffs from behind.
“No chance,” I call over my shoulder and increase my speed.
We both run until we hit the wall, and I collapse to the ground, looking up to the clear sky. There’s a fluffy white cloud hovering overhead. It looks lonely up there, all by itself.
Cain crumples in a heap beside me. His breath is ragged from trying to catch me. “You beat me!” he says in a high-pitched voice.
“I’ve been beating you for a while now.”
“You have to let me win.”
“No, I don’t.” I turn to face him. Our laughter quickly dwindles to silence. “Sister Janice said I’ll have to have sex with the Elders.” I cringe, still not exactly sure what having sex means. I got the basics. The Elder will put his penis inside my vagina, but what is the purpose of it?
“I know. They teach us what we have to do once we become an Elder.”
“I don’t understand, Cain. Why do I have to let them do that?”
“Because, that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
I shake my head, and feel the frustration still growing. “But why?”
“It’s what the Elders say girls are for.”
“It makes me feel sick. I don’t love the Elders like I love you. It’s not right.”
I hear Cain sigh. I don’t turn to look at him. He’s frustrated too, just not as much as me. I’m ready to leave my home, and search for more. But Cain’s nowhere near ready to come with me.
“One day, we’ll be able to be together. When I become an Elder,” he says with confidence.
“Do you know when that’ll be?” I ask with hope in my voice.
“Maybe soon?”
“When was the last time a man became an Elder?” I try to think back, but can’t recall. Cain lifts his shoulders. “What do you think would happen if I said I don’t want to marry?”
“What?” there’s a definite tone of disbelief. “What do you mean? I’ve never heard of a girl refusing to marry. Like, ever!” He shakes his head, and twists his mouth.
“But, what if?” I ask again. “What if I said no.”
“Then I think you’d get more whipping scars on your back,” he says with a tinge of skepticism. But I can tell there’s more to his voice. He shakes his head again, and draws his brows together. “Please, Luna,” this time his tone sounds more like he’s begging. “Don’t find out. Every time they whip you, I hate watching it. It makes my stomach churn and I feel sick.”
“I’ll…” I want to say I won’t, but reality is, I probably will. It doesn’t make sense to me. Why do I have to follow these rules? What purpose can they have?
“Please,” he begs again in a softer voice. “Please, don’t fight them on this.”
My heartbeat quickens as I gather the nerve to lie to Cain. I don’t want to tell him an untruth, because I know what the consequences can be. But I don’t want to marry someone I dislike, either. “Okay, I won’t.” The words come out way too easily. But Cain has to know this isn’t right.
“Thank you,” he whispers happily.
My mind doesn’t quiet. It can’t. I have so many questions, and no one will answer them. Cain doesn’t want to see me hurt; I get that. But I can’t do something that’s not in my heart either.
“Luna.” Elder Steven snaps his fingers at me.
“Yes, Elder Steven?” I ask as I approach him.
“More food.” He points to his plate.
Tonight, I’m at the main house serving the Elders with Abigail and Sofia. Usually there are more girls to serve at mea
l times, but tonight for some reason they’ve requested only us.
“Yes, Elder Steven.” I pick the platter up from beside him, and begin to add more food to his plate.
The Elders all have meals at the same time every day, and all the Elders are always here. Except for Elder William, who sometimes doesn’t join them.
He’s also one of the quietest elders. He doesn’t say much. But I always notice how he sees and observes everything. He usually has a smirk on his face, and when I’ve asked him how he is, his reply is nearly the same every time. “We’re living in the safest place on earth, I’m very happy, Luna.”
I don’t know what he means, but okay.
Once I’ve served Elder Steven more dinner, I go to stand back in my corner and lower my head. Usually their conversations aren’t interesting. They talk about what’s happening in here, so I tune out and ignore them—only responding when I hear my name.
“Luna,” Elder Steven calls again. He hasn’t called on Abigail or Sofia through this meal, only me.
“Yes.” I step forward and wonder what else he wants. His plate is full of food, and his cup is filled with his special water.
“You’ll be married soon, and broken in.”
The other Elders laugh. One snorting and nodding his head.
“I know,” I respond in a deadpan voice.
“There’s a few of us bidding for you.”
Bidding? “What do you mean?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me. I quickly clap my hand to my mouth, and wish I could take back my question.
The Elders all see the shock in my reaction, and some laugh harder.
“A few of us want to break you in,” Elder Tom replies.
I can’t help the shudder. I don’t even know for sure what they mean, but the stirring of my stomach tells me whatever ‘breaking in’ means, it’s not good. “How will you break me in?” Again, my stupid mouth has asked something I shouldn’t.
“Luna!” Abigail barks toward me.
“I’m sorry,” I reply, internally scolding myself.
Luna Caged: Behind the Wall Page 2
