The Dead-End Job Mysteries Box Set 1

by Elaine Viets

  “Awwwk!” Pete flapped his wings and paced Peggy’s shoulder.

  “Put that thing away,” Helen said. “Pete hates it as much as I do.”

  When Pete settled down, Peggy said, “Helen, you have to give us the gory details. You’ve kept us waiting long enough. You slept all day.”

  Margery snorted and blew out more smoke than a city bus.

  Helen blushed. She’d been in bed, but she hadn’t been sleeping. She was amazed what she and Phil could do despite her seventy-six stitches.

  “I got some of this from the police,” Helen said. “The rest I overheard in the emergency room. It was a circus last night. Luke needed a tetanus shot and stitches for his hand. I bit him pretty hard. I also scratched his eyelid.”

  “Good,” Margery said. The cigarette smoke gave that one word a hellish emphasis.

  “The police let Luke call his wife,” Helen said. “Desiree called her daddy. Luke tried to explain everything to Desiree. He thought he could throw himself on her mercy.”

  “I’d rather throw myself on a cactus bed,” Margery said.

  “Don’t the police usually keep suspects separate?” Phil said.

  “Luke asked for his lawyer, who was also his father-in-law,” Helen said. “Brendan brought Desiree with him as his associate. I don’t think the beat cops recognized her. Desiree’s been all over the papers, but she gets overlooked.”

  Peggy and Pete were getting impatient. “Are you going to tell us what happened or not?” Peggy said.

  “Awwwk!” Pete said. Phil fed him another cashew.

  “Luke told them everything,” Helen said. “I heard him. I was in the next ER cubicle. The murder was simple. After the rehearsal dinner, Luke went to the church to talk to Kiki. He had to be in that movie and he had to marry Desiree. He needed her money to finance his career, although he didn’t say that to his wife. Luke was sure if he told Kiki how important the movie role was for his career, she would change her mind.”

  Margery took another drag on her cigarette. “The poor dumb bastard,” she said. “Kiki would stop him from taking that role because it meant so much to him.”

  “How did you know?” Helen said.

  “I’ve been around,” Margery said. Helen was afraid to ask where.

  “When Luke got to the church, Jason and Desiree had already left. Kiki was upstairs. She was wearing the rose dress and she couldn’t get out of it. Kiki was about to call her chauffeur to come back, when Luke walked in.

  “‘Good, you can help me out of this dress,’ she said. Kiki was standing in front of the open closet with the cobweb wedding dress.

  “‘Only if you let me be a movie star.’ Luke said it as a joke, but he was dead serious.

  “So was Kiki. ‘Never,’ she said. ‘I won’t have my son-in-law playing a retard. If you want to live on my daughter’s money, you have to make some sacrifice. It’s hard work being a kept man.’”

  “Awwwk!” Pete said.

  “This is a sensitive subject. I keep him in cashews,” Peggy said, smoothing his ruffled feathers.

  “Then Kiki grabbed Luke you-know-where and said, ‘Maybe if you try hard enough, I could change my mind.’”

  “What a witch,” Phil said. “She really propositioned her son-in-law on the eve of his wedding?”

  “It gets nastier,” Helen said. “Kiki pulled out her daughter’s favorite wedding dress. ‘I can’t believe she wants to wear this thing,’ she said. ‘She thinks she looks good in it. But then she thinks you love her. And you think you’re going to act. Well, start acting now, big boy. If you’re good enough, you may fuck your way into the movies. This is your audition.

  “‘And if you say anything to my daughter, I’ll say you came after me.’”

  “Luke went crazy,” Helen said. “He was going to be a sex slave to the mother-in-law from hell. Kiki would have complete control over him. When she tired of Luke, all she had to do was tell her daughter, and he’d be out on the street. He reacted to preserve his freedom and his career.

  “Luke tore the wedding dress from Kiki’s hands and threw it over her head. She thrashed and fought in the clingy, cobwebby fabric while he forced her down on the floor. Her hoop skirt tilted up toward her head. Luke pressed down with all his strength and smothered her in yards of white lace and red-black taffeta. It wasn’t difficult. Kiki was small and drunk.

  “All that fabric protected Luke. Kiki fought hard, but she only left a small scratch on his hand.

  “Luke knew about DNA under the nails—he had a small part in some murder mystery. He clipped Kiki’s nails with a scissors from the bride’s room. He flushed the clippings down the toilet, washed the scissors, and put them away. He bundled the body into the closet and shut the door.”

  “The perfect murder,” Phil said.

  “He couldn’t have done better if he’d planned it.” Helen stopped, distracted by the sight of Phil. With his silver-white hair in a ponytail, he looked like a blue-eyed brigand.

  Margery cleared her throat. Helen started talking before her landlady said something snarly.

  “Luke figured that closet wouldn’t be opened until after the wedding. He’d heard his bride go on and on about when all the dresses would be worn. Once he married Desiree, Kiki’s body had to be found quickly. He wanted his new wife to inherit her fortune.

  “The next morning, Luke stuffed everything he’d worn at the rehearsal in a charity pickup box. He still had to explain his scraped hand, but he knew how to do that. He’d seen how the crystal gown had scratched me. Luke made a big deal of scratching his hand during the wedding ceremony. It was captured by all the cameras. His plan was brilliant. He hid the evidence of the murder in plain sight. No wonder Luke held up his new bride’s hand like a victorious prizefighter. He’d won.”

  “So why didn’t he get away with murder?” Peggy asked.

  “Because he had to find out what I knew. He’d heard that I’d investigated a murder at that bookstore. He talked Desiree into meeting me at Lester’s. Luke threw suspicion on Jason, and Desiree blamed Millicent. I got nicely sidetracked.

  “Then the whole thing unraveled. When I went to their house, Luke heard part of the conversation with Desiree—the last part. She’d tried to buy my nonexistent evidence. I said someone in the house was a killer and I was going to take the proof to the police. I didn’t mention any name. I thought Desiree had smothered her mother. Luke thought I was talking about him. He had to kill me to save his career. Unlike Kiki’s murder, my killing was planned.”

  Helen shivered when she said that. She couldn’t help it. Phil put his arm around her, and she was ready to go on.

  “Luke used his acting skills. He went to the theater for the disguise. Luke had been there often after hours. He knew where Chauncey kept the spare door key as well as the key to the sword cabinet. The police found his fingerprints all over that padlock. He stole the sword cane, then took the gray wig, dress, and foam-rubber chest from the prop room.”

  “That wig wound up floating in my pool,” Margery said. “I almost shot it. I thought it was a rat.”

  “Speaking of rats, what happened when Luke confessed to his wife?” Peggy said.

  “Desiree dumped him. Luke was stunned.”

  “I am, too,” Peggy said. “Didn’t you say she was all over him at Lester’s?”

  “She was,” Helen said. “But then he was a trophy, a rising movie star. Now he’s damaged goods. Nothing can save him. She can’t be seen with the man who murdered her mother. And she certainly won’t pay for his defense. She loves her precious money more than Luke.

  “Desiree got all noble sounding and declared, ‘I won’t use my dear mother’s money to defend her killer.’”

  “That young man made a serious miscalculation,” Margery said.

  “Right,” Helen said. “He thought he could count on his bride because she hated her mother. He knew his father-in-law fought constantly with his ex-wife. He thought Brendan would be his trial lawyer, but he refus
ed to represent Luke.”

  “Wow. This is better than a movie. Then what happened?” Peggy said.

  “I don’t know,” Helen said. “The doc came in to stitch me up and I passed out again. I hate needles.”

  Peggy groaned.

  “I know,” Margery said. She pulled another Marlboro out of her cigarette case, tapped it, and finally lit it. Peggy drummed her fingers impatiently while Pete patrolled her shoulder.

  “I heard this from my lawyer friend, Colby Cox, the big criminal defense lawyer,” Margery said. “After his wife abandoned him, Luke still thought he could get a good lawyer cheap, because his case would make the media. But Desiree’s father made some calls, including one to Colby. Suddenly none of the top criminal lawyers were interested in defending him.

  “Luke got himself a court-appointed public defender. This lawyer was so young Colby says he had Pablum on his tie. But the kid wasn’t dumb. Luke thought he was safe because his wife couldn’t testify against him. The baby lawyer said Luke was wrong: his wife could—and would—testify.

  “That’s when Luke took his lawyer’s advice to cop a plea,” Margery said. “It will be awhile before he’s back on the boards. Colby says Desiree’s daddy made one more call that night—to a divorce lawyer.”

  “All that money and how long did that marriage last?” Peggy said.

  “Less than a month,” Helen said. “I have to thank Margery for saving my life. If she hadn’t gone on about the right way to hold a cane when we saw Richard the Third, I’d be dead.”

  “You saved yourself,” Margery said through a cloud of smoke. “It’s too bad about Luke, though. He’s a good actor.”

  “His wife is better,” Helen said. “I still believe she worked on Luke. I think she slyly prodded him into killing her mother. Desiree was smart. She may have even suggested the closet was a good place to hide the body. She certainly knew her mother was dead in there. That’s why she wouldn’t let me open the door before the ceremony. That’s why she ruined the hated crystal dress afterward. She knew Kiki was dead and could no longer punish her for her coffee-throwing tantrum.

  “I wonder if she talked Luke into killing me after I left their house. He only heard part of our conversation. I’ll bet you anything Desiree let him think I suspected he was the killer—not her.

  “You know the worst part? Desiree will get away with it. That tape I made wound up in the bottom of the pool.”

  “It probably wouldn’t have proved anything anyway,” Phil said. “You sure couldn’t use it in court.”

  “Desiree got everything she wanted,” Helen said. “Her mother is dead and she has millions.”

  “But she’s lost her handsome husband,” Peggy said.

  “You can buy a lot of men with thirty million dollars,” Margery said.

  “I like mine free, but not cheap,” Helen said.

  “I’m your man,” Phil said.

  “I knew that,” Helen said, and kissed him again.

  Epilogue

  A Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud pulled up in front of Millicent’s Bridal Salon. The vintage Rolls was the color of well-polished family silver. The driver’s door opened with an expensive thunk! Out stepped a chauffeur in a uniform tailored to show off his broad shoulders and long legs.

  Helen watched the hunky chauffeur jog to the rear passenger door. He had the best hired buns Helen had ever seen, except for Rod’s.

  The chauffeur opened the silver door with a flourish and held out his hand. A candy-pink spike heel emerged first, like a delicate flower seeking the sun. It belonged to a tiny blonde in a Chanel suit. She took the chauffeur’s hand, stood up, and pulled him toward her. Then she soul kissed him, running a slender leg along his muscular one.

  “It’s the ghost of Kiki!” Helen said.

  “No, it’s her daughter, Desiree,” Millicent said.

  “Where did she get the chin?” Helen said.

  “It’s an implant,” Millicent said. “Looks like she had other implants, too. She’s a C cup at the very least.”

  “Look at the way she’s kissing her chauffeur—right on the street.”

  “What body part is that?” Millicent said.

  Helen laughed. Desiree dismissed the chauffeur with a pat on his shapely rump.

  “Battle stations,” Millicent said. Helen felt the hair stand up on the back of her neck. Millicent had used the same words for Desiree’s mother not so long ago.

  Desiree strutted into the store and said, “Millie, darling.”

  Millicent winced. She hated being called that.

  “I need a dress,” Desiree said. “But I don’t want you to show me anything right now. I want to look around. Leave me.” She waved her hand, a bored queen dismissing her lady-in-waiting.

  Desiree acted as if Helen were invisible. I mean nothing to her, Helen thought. Yet I helped put on her bridal gown—and put her husband in jail.

  Helen gawked as the tiny figure strutted around the salon. Breasts and chins could be implanted, mousy hair could be dyed and styled, but where did Desiree get that air of authority?

  It was only two months since her husband had been arrested for Kiki’s murder, but Desiree had transformed herself. Helen still wasn’t fully recovered from Luke’s attack. The wounds on her arm and chest were raw and pink, and she had trouble lifting heavy wedding dresses with her injured hand.

  Helen went back to the salon too early. Millicent had sent flowers and called twice a week. One Friday, when Helen was lounging around her apartment in cat-furred shorts, the salon owner showed up at her door.

  Millicent’s white hair, red nails, and trim black suit gave her extra authority, but she didn’t use it. Instead, Millicent begged. “Please come back,” she said. “Business is booming. I’ve hired new sales staff, but they have the personalities of palm trees. I need you, Helen.”

  Helen needed the money. But she didn’t miss the bridal salon. The surging emotions, the frantic family fights, and sudden tear storms were tiring. The peevish brides depressed her. The happy ones opened old wounds in Helen’s heart.

  She longed to be away from the bridal business. Each night, she checked the classified ads for another job, but the search seemed hopeless. The ad inviting her to “join the team of service professionals working in a luxury resort” turned out to be for valet car parkers.

  Helen was disgusted that the best-paying women’s jobs were for “gentlemen’s escorts. Earn $1000 a day, no experience required.”

  I bet, thought Helen and threw the paper across the floor. One page skidded under the coffee table. Thumbs promptly sat on it.

  Helen crawled under the table to retrieve it. The cat’s paw was on an ad that said: “Pet grooming assistant and sales clerk—must love animals. Apply in person.” The Barker Brothers Pampered Pet Boutique was only four blocks from the Coronado.

  “Thumbs, I love you,” Helen said. She opened a whole can of tuna to reward her big-pawed cat.

  She put on her best black suit and walked over to the shop. Helen hit it off with the owner instantly. Helen didn’t have to tell Jeff that she loved animals—he spotted the cat hairs on her suit. They talked for almost two hours.

  “You’re my first choice,” Jeff said. “But I have to wait until my partner, Ray, comes home in two weeks to make the final decision.”

  Every time Helen studied the ads, she wondered: Who placed the awful ad in the City Times? If someone wanted to ruin Millicent’s business, they’d failed miserably. Yes, brides canceled their orders, and there were some slow weeks right after it ran. But those brides came back and brought more. The new clientele was hipper and richer. They thought the ad was “a total riot,” as one said.

  Kiki’s murder had been good for business. Now even the victim’s daughter was returning.

  The new Desiree completed her circuit of the shop. She marched back to Millicent and said, “Millie, darling, I’ve decided to forgive you for that tacky ad.”

  Millicent blushed but said nothing. Helen stared a
t her.

  “Now let’s find me a dress. I want to try on that one. That one. And that.” Desiree pointed to about thirty thousand dollars’ worth of dresses. They were bold, bosom- and back-baring styles.

  “Is this for a special occasion?” Millicent said.

  “Yes. My divorce. I want them all in black. Fetch them, please.” Desiree flounced back to the largest fitting room.

  Helen followed Millicent to the dress racks and hissed, “You placed that ad?”

  She didn’t wait for an answer. Helen knew Millicent had. She remembered Eric the ad taker saying the woman had long white hair and blood-red nail polish. Eric had also said she was “Old. Older than my mom. I’d say she was about fifty-five.”

  “I am not,” Millicent had cried in outrage.

  Now her furious denial made sense.

  Helen angrily paced the shop, afraid of her growing rage. Millicent pretended to be picking out black dresses. She wouldn’t look at Helen. Finally she said, “Helen, I had to put that ad in the paper. It was the only way to save my business. Kiki’s family refused to pay.”

  “I feel like a complete fool,” Helen said.

  Men had made a fool out of her often enough. But it was worse being betrayed by her own sex. Helen liked and trusted Millicent.

  “You used me,” Helen said. “I investigated a murder because of that ad. I nearly got myself killed.”

  “Helen, please, I didn’t mean it.”

  But Helen felt frustrated, powerless, and fed up. The pretty pink salon looked like a poisoned bonbon. The walls were closing in on her. The billowing bridal gowns reached out to smother her. The snake tangle of lace and ribbons threatened to strangle her.

  Helen was sick of her species. Even the best people seemed calculating. The worst were impossibly cruel. Animals were better behaved. She craved their warm and accepting company. She didn’t know if she’d get the job at the pet groomer, but she had to leave here. She ran to the back room and grabbed her purse.