by Tina Martin
A teddy bear.
He was unrelenting in his efforts to make out relationship work. We had only been dating for about four months – three if you count all the time I dodged him – and he was still very much interested in me. But my interest in him waned due to my difficulty with Reggie. The crazy thing was, now, there was nothing holding me back from pursuing a full fledged relationship with Derrick. But in light of everything that transpired with Reggie, my relationship with Derrick was on the backburner.
THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON, Mom had a few of her girlfriends over to shoot the breeze. It was a mild September day and we enjoyed grilled hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad and a few other snacks. The night before, I broke down and told my Mom what had happened between Reggie and I while she was away on her cruise. I hadn’t spoken to Patricia. I left it up to my Mom to tell her if she wanted to. I don’t know if she told her or not but Patricia had yet to say anything to me today at my Mom’s house. It was funny because when Mom had first asked me to come over, she said Patricia wasn’t coming. But Patricia was the first person I saw when I walked to the backyard. I did everything in my power to avoid her. That was until I spilled soda on her jeans. I quietly dissed myself for being so clumsy.
“I’m sorry, Pat. Let me get that.” I tore off some paper towels and went to work.
“That’s okay, Tiffany. I got it.” She gave me a funny look. I didn’t know if she was pissed because I spilled soda on her or because she knew the reason for Reggie’s sudden departure from my life.
“I’m sorry, Pat.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I motioned to my Mom to come over by me. I was ready to leave before Patricia had the opportunity to question me.
“Mom, I’m gonna go,” I told her as she threw her arm around me.
“Why? We’re just getting started,” she told me. But we had been outside kickin’ it for a good three hours before I decided to go. It was going on five o’clock.
“I’m sorry. I have to go. Derrick wants to see me tonight and I can’t blow him off this time.”
“All right…well I’ll see you later.”
“Okay Ma.”
I hugged Mom tight. My Mom was my only support and Reggie’s absence made me appreciate her that much more.
I was on the way to my car when I heard Patricia yell from behind me, “Tiffany, wait up a minute.”
I sighed, closed my eyes to get myself together, then turned around to acknowledge her. Once she caught up to me, we slowly began walking towards my car together.
“So what happened?”
“What do you mean?” I assumed she was talking about Reggie but I wasn’t going to go into detail without being sure.
“What happened between you and Reggie?”
“He said he couldn’t be my friend anymore.” I didn’t tell her the reason why. I wanted to see how much she knew already.
“Reggie told you that?” she asked me in disbelief.
“Yep.”
“So why was he standing in my kitchen last night crying his eyes out over you…telling me how much he missed you. I thought you were the one to tell him that you couldn’t see him anymore…because of Derrick.”
“No. It was the other way around.”
“So why was he crying, Tiffany? I ain’t never seen my baby cry like that.”
“Look Patricia, Reggie told me he didn’t want to be around me…said he couldn’t stand to see me with Derrick.”
“He actually said that to you?”
“Yeah. I have no reason to make this up.”
“So you don’t love him? I mean y’all best friends…y’all done been through everything together and now you don’t even speak to each other.”
“Of course I love Reggie. You know I love Reggie, Pat.” My words were interrupted by tears. And there I went crying over him...again. “I love Reggie a hundred times more than I could ever think about loving myself. And this hasn’t been easy for me either. I feel bad that you had to watch him cry like that but I have cried almost every night for an entire month thinking about this…this mess.”
“You know what. This is ridiculous. You’re both miserable without each other, so why don’t y’all get together and talk about this?” Patricia suggested.
“Pat, Reggie said he didn’t want to see me. He hasn’t called me or come by to visit me. And I don’t even know where he lives. He wants me out of his life so he can move on. That’s what he told me.”
“Yeah, but Tiffany, he wants to move on because you won’t return his love.”
“That’s not true.” I was starting to get upset with Patricia for speaking about what she didn’t know. “I’ve been loving Reggie all my life. And all my life, I’ve watched women come and go out of his life. But the one time I start dating someone, he wants to tell me he’s in love with me?”
“Maybe that’s what it took for him to realize he doesn’t want to lose you,” I heard my Mom say as she made her way into me and Patricia’s conversation. “Men are funny like that, Tiffany.”
“Maybe so, Ma, but he was supposed to be my best friend. He moved without telling me. I don’t have his new address or phone number. To me, that seems like a person who doesn’t want to be bothered.”
“Well I hate to see your friendship end like this,” Mom said. “I mean, y’all have been best friends for—”
“I know that! Why do y’all keep saying that? I know how long me and Reggie been friends! You don’t have to beat it in my head, okay? I know!”
“All right. I’m gonna leave it at that,” Mom said as she turned around and walked away.
I walked away too. I was sick of them both trying to pin the blame on me for this. I was not the one who picked up and moved. Reggie did that.
I jumped in my car, dried my eyes and went home. I had to get changed and meet Derrick for dinner.
Chapter 14
I walked stepped in Lynnhaven Fish House filled with nostalgia, remembering that this was the same restaurant where Derrick and I had our first date. I was so excited then, anxious to get to know him. Now my heart was heavy as I contemplated ending our relationship.
The hostess showed me to the table and there Derrick sat. He was wearing a gray suit, looked sharp, like he’d just gotten out of a board meeting.
“Hi,” I told him as he stood up to greet me and pulled out my chair so I could sit.
“Hey beautiful,” he said, then kissed my jaw. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help but smile. Derrick was such a charmer, and though he was flawless from head to toe, I was certain I didn’t want to continue the relationship with him. Not now. My life was in turmoil. Should I break the news to him tonight, I asked myself as I bit on my tongue to avoid spilling the beans too early.
He sat down and poured some wine in my glass. Then he smiled at me out of the blue, and said, “You remember when we had our first date here?”
“Yeah,” I say plainly. I wasn’t in the mood for romance, especially after all the chaos with Reggie. And now, I was getting pressure from my Mom and Patricia to patch things up, like all of the drama was my fault.
“You look like your mind is in a million places,” he told me.
I smiled a little while watching him smile at the same time. His teeth were whiter than our napkins.
“I’m here,” I told him, feeling sad now. I didn’t feel the same passion I felt when we were here before, when things were right in my life, when Reggie and I were close. Now we’d drifted so far apart, I didn’t know how to feel.
“So why haven’t I seen you in three weeks?”
“Been busy.”
“Oh.” He took a sip of wine. “I missed you. You know that?”
I didn’t respond to him. My mind had shifted back to Reggie. I wondered what he was doing at this very moment. And how was he doing? How did his new house look? How many bedrooms did he have? Where was his house?
“Tiffany,” Derrick called out to me to get my attention.
“Yeah?�
�
“Are you here with me?”
“Yeah I’m here.”
“Well, I’m trying to talk to you and enjoy your company, especially since we haven’t seen each other in weeks. You seem like you’re off in Never Never Land. What’s going on? Is there something you want to talk about?”
Derrick had given me the perfect setup to tell him I wanted to break up. But I couldn’t get those words to come out of my mouth.
“No. I’m sorry, Derrick. I’m just so tired. I really didn’t feel like coming out tonight.”
“Well, we could skip this and go back to my place if you want. I’ve been wanting to get you over there. Now would be the perfect opportunity.”
“Let’s just stay here since we’re here already.”
“Okay, baby. It’s whatever you want,” Derrick said.
“Where are the menus?” I asked.
“Oh, you don’t need one. I ordered for us already.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you know what I wanted to eat?”
“I ordered you the same thing you had when we first came here. You remember? The fried seafood platter…with steak fries?”
“Well, maybe I didn’t want that this time,” I said, sounding juvenile. Under normal circumstances, I would think it was romantic and special that he’d remembered what I had to eat on our first date, because really, men don’t usually remember stuff like that. I was only upset now because I was trying my hardest to find something wrong with this man so I could break up with him.
Derrick frowned. “So you don’t want the seafood platter?”
“No. I don’t want anything to eat,” I told him. “I just came here ‘cause you asked me to. I’m not even hungry.”
“Are you serious right now?” he asked, frowning more, picking up on my attitude.
“Whatever. Forget it.”
“Tiffany, what’s the problem? I mean, I’m trying to spend time with you and you’re pushing me away. What’s up?” he said, looking at me in a way that I could tell he didn’t want to lose me. “I want this to work between us,” he said, grabbing my hand.
“Why?” I asked him, snatching my hand from his grasp. “Why do you want this to work? We haven’t even seen each other in three weeks, Derrick.”
“I’ve been trying to see you. You’re the one giving me excuses every time I call. You don’t want to go bowling, skating, dancing…it’s like you’re not even interested in me anymore. And I do like you, Tiffany...you’re beautiful, intelligent, funny…”
Blah, blah, blah. How many times have I heard that already, I thought. So I made up my mind that it was time for me to tell him the kind of things I liked so he could see we weren’t compatible.
I asked him, “Have you ever played in a tree house?”
“What?” Derrick said, brows furrowed.
“As a child, did you play in a tree house?”
“Ah…no. Can’t say that I have.”
“What about a tire swing? You ever swung on a tire swing?”
“No.”
“Do you eat black-eyed peas and pork rinds?”
I already knew the answer to that. Derrick was one of those caviar, lobster and steak eating brothers. He probably never had a bologna sandwich in his life. But me and Reggie used to tear up some bologna sandwiches. We both liked them the same way, fried until it was burned just a little. Then we would squeeze mustard on it and sandwich it between two pieces of bread.
“No I don’t eat black-eyed peas, but what does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now? What does that have to do with our relationship?”
I ignored him and asked, “Have you ever bit into a watermelon then spit the seeds at your friends?”
He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’m serious.”
“No I haven’t. Where are you going with this, Tiffany?”
“Derrick…you are a wonderful man.” By that time, I felt a tear rolling down my face. I enjoyed the time I spent with Derrick when we first met. As a matter of fact, if the situation with Reggie was different, meaning we were on speaking terms, I probably would not have considered breaking up with Derrick. “I’m sorry but…ah…this isn’t going to work between us.”
He sat straight up in his chair. “Why? Because I don’t pummel my friends with watermelon seeds?”
“Yes, as silly as that sounds. We’re different people, Derrick. I like goofing off and being silly and…”
He cut me off. “Why are we so different all of a sudden?”
“We like different things. You’re a twenty-four-seven business man. I mean, look at you. You’re dressed up right now.”
“So what? A man is supposed to take care of his self, right?”
“Yeah. I’m not saying otherwise. What I’m saying is, I’m not all about money. Your whole life is your business. That’s usually what you talk about when we go out. But that’s cool. That’s your lifestyle. You have money and you like to show it.”
Frowning, Derrick asked, “Since when does a black man get ridiculed for being successful in life? Women say they don’t want no broke, busted man but then you run into a brother like me and I’m still not good enough?”
“I’m not saying that you’re not good enough.”
“Then what are you saying, because I’m getting confused?”
“Derrick, I’m saying we don’t have a lot in common.”
“Oh…you mean like you and Reggie?”
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. He hit the nail right on the head. That was exactly what I was getting at and though I was mad at Reggie, I still had mad love for him. That wasn’t going to change.
Derrick continued, “See the thing is, Tiffany, I know I’m a good man and if you didn’t have other influences in your life, you would see that. But you can’t see it because you’re too busy playing games with Reggie. I understand y’all grew up together and y’all have a history. Me and you…we have no history, and I know you could never love me as much as you love him and I’m not asking you to. I just want you to see me for who I am.”
“I’m sorry, Derrick.”
“Don’t be sorry, Tiffany. Just tell me you want to work through this.”
“I can’t. I don’t think this is going to work,” I said to him as I stood, preparing to make my exit. Tears ran down my face as I left.
***
I went back to my apartment and sat on the bed crying again. Heart pounding. Head throbbing. My chest tightened up so much to the point I couldn’t breathe properly. I felt like I was going to pass out. I stumbled to the kitchen to get some water. I could feel my throat was closing up. I panicked. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. I had to get help. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911.
The operator came on and said, “Nine-one-one, please state your emergency.”
“I…can’t…breathe,” I managed to say with the last little bit of breath I had left. “I can’t breathe.” I fell on the floor with the phone in my hand.
THE NEXT THING I know, I’m waking up in a hospital bed in the emergency room at Sentara General, a nurse hovering over me with a weird smile on her face. She looked like Kathy Bates from her role in Misery.
“Hi there, Ms. Water. How are you feeling?”
“How did I get here?”
“You came here by ambulance.”
“For what?”
“The doctor seems to think you had an anxiety attack.”
“Oh my God. I gotta call my Mom!”
“Your Mother is in the waiting room. You want me to get her for you?”
“Yes, please.”
“Okay. You lie down and relax. I’ll be right back.”
The nurse left the room with a clipboard in her hand. I took a deep breath and looked around. The tag around my wrist made me feel like I was a piece of meat. I never understood why hospitals did that, especially in emergency rooms when your stay is usually a s
hort one. But I was just trippin’ on how I got here. What happened to me?
“Hey honeeeey…” My Mom said as she came charging to my side with Patricia behind her. “Are you okay? What happened?” They were both crying.
“We didn’t know what had happened to you. The doctor told us you had some sort of a panic attack,” Patricia said as she wiped her eyes.
“I feel fine now,” I told them. “Please stop crying.”
They both hugged me at the same time.
“I’ll be all right. I just have a little chest pain and a headache.”
“So what happened, Tiffany? How did you wind up in the hospital?”
“I don’t know, Ma. But I do know I’ve been under a lot of stress these past few weeks, and I broke up with Derrick tonight. Then, things with Reggie and I haven’t been good…guess it was all too much for me. I buckled. After I left Derrick at the restaurant, I came home and cried. Then I couldn’t breathe. I remember dialing 911 and that’s all.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re okay, Tiffany,” Patricia told me, “And I know you may not want to see him, but Reggie is out there in the waiting room and he wants—”
“No, I don’t want to see him,” I cut Patricia short. “I don’t want to see him ever again.”
That was anger talking. I needed Reggie at this moment more than I wanted my own Mother. And that was bad, especially considering he was part of the reason why I was in here in the first place.
“Tiffany, you don’t mean that,” Patricia said. She was steadily wiping her eyes.
Then I started crying again. My chest tightened up as it did before and it was hard for me to catch my breath.
“Tiffany, baby. Are you all right?” My Mom put her arms around me as I gasped for air.
“Nurse, nurse,” Patricia yelled for help out in the hallway.
The nurse ran in, put an oxygen mask over my nose and urged my Mom and Patricia to leave the room. I inhaled deep breaths of oxygen as the nurse had instructed, and I thought about how my problems with Reggie were affecting my Mom’s relationship with Patricia. Would their relationship suffer because of us? Would my relationship with Patricia be history if me and Reggie didn’t make peace and settle our differences? Patricia was like a second Mom to me. I didn’t want to lose her.
