Can't Just Be His Friend

by Tina Martin

  I took all of what Reggie said straight into my heart. And from this point forward, I made up my mind that I would not resist him so much. He was only looking out for me because he loved me, and I was being selfish. Like he said, he’d lost someone too in all of this – me. He wouldn’t give up the opportunity to get us back to where we were.

  Chapter 36

  “Tiffany, where you going?” Reggie asked me before I’d almost succeeded in sneaking out of the back door. I had on a cute, sea green maternity blouse that Mom bought for me with some white capris and white sandals. It was two-thirty on a Saturday afternoon and I was headed to Lamaze classes with my Mom. I deliberately didn’t tell Reggie because if he knew I was going, he would insist on going with me. Now that he caught me, I had to tell him the truth.

  “I’m going to a Lamaze class with Mom.”

  He looked me square in the eyes and said, “No, you’re not. You’re going with me.” He stared at me feverishly like he was obsessed with me.

  “Reggie, I don’t want you to go with me, okay?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t want people thinking this is your baby.”

  He took me by the hands. His flat abs met my belly. “That is my baby. You’re my baby, aren’t you?” he asked with raised brows.

  “Yeah,” I said to him. I always gave in to Reggie when he dominated me.

  “Sweetheart, you need to understand that I’m gonna be here for him, and you. I’m not going anywhere. I want to be apart of his life. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Reggie took me by the hand and helped me down the stairs.

  He was an expert the way he helped me in Lamaze class. We learned about Braxton-Hicks contractions and how they were different from the real thing. He did some deep breathing with me, held my hand as we practiced various positions that would “facilitate the normal progression of labor” the instructor said. We practiced communicating with each other. I would pretend to be in labor and Reggie was on his knees next to me on the floor saying, “Tell me what you’re feeling, baby,” sounding more like a seducer than a labor coach. We learned how to properly swaddle a baby, practicing on some dolls they’d given us. It was a good experience and I was glad Reggie was with me.

  THE NEXT DAY when Reggie went to work, I left the house to go hang out with my Mom. She was upset that she didn’t get to go to Lamaze with me yesterday, so today, she wanted to go on a pampering spree. When we were done, we went back to her place.

  It was late in the day and I Reggie was due to call any minute now, especially when he realized I wasn’t home. And a few minutes after the thought, my phone rang.

  “Tiffany, where are you?” Reggie said, sounding distressed. He was almost out of breath as he tried to find out where I was.

  “Hey Reggie. I’m at Mom’s.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were going somewhere?”

  “’Cause I thought I would be back before you got home.”

  “Okay but even still, I wanna know where you are. Next time, can you call me?”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll remember that for next time.”

  Reggie took a deep breath and said, “I panicked…thought something had happened to you.”

  “Well don’t worry. I’m fine. I’ve been kickin’ it with my Mom all day.”

  “When are you coming home?”

  I half-smiled to myself and thought about how interesting it was he asked me that. When was I coming home, like his house was my new permanent residence.

  “I’ll be there in a lil’ bit.”

  “Okay. I bought some things for Lil’ Derrick that I want to show you.”

  “Okay, Reggie.”

  “Ah’ight, Tiff. See you in a few.”

  Mom smiled at me when I flipped my phone shut.

  “What Ma?”

  “Is Reggie taking good care of you?”

  “Yes he is. I’m glad I have him. He’s been helping me though all of this.”

  “You know he was heartbroken when you married Derrick. You know that, right?”

  “But he knew how I felt about Derrick…how I still feel about Derrick.”

  “Yeah, that’s why he gave you your space, but honey, trust me – Reggie is still very much in love with you.”

  “I know, and he loves the baby as well but I don’t know if I can love him like that, Ma. I’m still getting over Derrick.”

  “Tiffany, you will never get over Derrick.”

  “Yeah, I know.” My eyes watered at the thought of him. “A few weeks before he was hospitalized, Derrick asked me if I would remarry if he died. I said no, but he said he wanted me to, said he wanted me to be with someone who loves me. I got the feeling he was talking about Reggie, though he never said his name outright.

  “And Derrick knew how much Reggie cared about you.”

  “I know he did. And Reggie does everything for me. Do you know the man actually gave me his bed? He cooks, cleans – he won’t let me do nothing. On the phone now, he told me that he bought something for lil’ Derrick. He acts like I’m carrying his child. He actually told me this was his baby.”

  “Wow. It’s good that he is self-sacrificing like that. I’m glad he’s there to help you out.”

  “Me too. Anyway, let’s get going. Reggie is expecting me any minute.”

  Mom dropped me off at Reggie’s fifteen minutes later. Reggie was standing at the back door waiting for me. He came outside to hug Mom, then he hugged me and he helped me up the stairs. Once on the deck, I waved goodbye to Mom, then went on in the house and sat on the couch in the living room. Reggie proceeded to show me a bunch of new clothes he’d purchased for my baby.

  “Reggie, these are so cute.”

  “You like ‘em?”

  “I love them. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. I don’t have any experience buying baby stuff but I wanted to buy something for him. If you make me a list of things you need, I can go pick it up. I don’t mind.”

  “You don’t need to do that, Reggie.”

  Reggie sat beside me on the couch and said, “I want to. And don’t get mad at me but I arranged for you to have a baby shower here.”

  “What? You set up a baby shower for me?”

  “Yep…this Saturday. Of course our parents gon’ be there – then Derrick’s parents, his sister, your friends Brenda and Jennifer and a few more people.”

  Reggie truly was amazing. To go above and beyond the call of duty to please me when he didn’t owe me a thing was impressive. I was so moved, I just went into the bathroom to have some quiet time. I took a warm shower, then found some pajamas that could fit and slid on one of Reggie’s T-shirts. I took my quiet time to the bedroom, laid there with the windows wide open enjoying this peace. Baby Derrick was starting to kick.

  “Tiffany,” Reggie called out to me softly as he gently tapped on the door at the same time.

  “Come in.”

  He walked in and sat next to me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey Reggie. What’s up?”

  “I was wondering why you left me like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “When we were sitting on the couch and I gave you the clothes and mentioned the baby shower, you walked off. Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, you did nothing wrong. I was just so…overwhelmed by your gesture.”

  “Why? You shouldn’t be.”

  “I mean, you don’t have to do this, Reggie. You don’t have to shop for the baby and you don’t have to watch over me…”

  He kissed my lips to shut me up, which made my heart flutter. “I love you, Tiffany.” He kissed me in the middle of my forehead this time – made me tremble. “That’s why I do things for you. That’s why I’m here for you.” He slid his hands up under my shirt and touched my stomach. “And I love him too.” He kissed my stomach and hugged me warmly.

  I smiled, thinking to myself that it took a special man to love a child that wasn’t his. />
  “I want to spend the night with you, like old times,” Reggie said, still touching me.

  I was thinking about the old times – when he used to talk me to sleep and hold each other – I hadn’t spent a night like that with Reggie for almost a year now. I missed that too.

  “You can stay,” I told him. “I mean, this is your bedroom.”

  Reggie smiled as he laid beside me. We still had that amazing chemistry we’d always shared and for the first time since Derrick’s death, I felt secure. I knew Reggie would protect and love me no matter what.

  “Tiffany,” he said, whispering my name. I could feel his warm breath on my neck.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m still in love with you,” he hissed in my ear, sounding sexier than he did in Lamaze class yesterday.

  “What?” I said, not believing what I was hearing. I mean, I could believe it but after everything that went down between us, I didn’t think he still had those same feelings for me.

  “Let me be there for you and Lil’ Derrick. Let me take care of you.”

  “Reggie, raising a child is a huge responsibility. I don’t want to put this on you.”

  “We can raise him together, then eventually, we’ll have some babies of our own.”

  “Reggie, what are you talking about?”

  Lying on my back, I watched him sit up now and noticed he had tears in his eyes.

  “Can you look at me for a minute?”

  “Reggie, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing is wrong. Everything is right.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes I’m sure. You know what else I’m sure of?” he said, touching my chin.

  “What?”

  “You.”

  “Me? What do you mean?”

  “I want you. I want you to belong to me.”

  I drew a blank for a second. I didn’t know what an out of body experience felt like but if I would assume the way I feel right now is what one feels like.

  Reggie went on, “I’ve always wanted you.”

  I was at a complete loss for words. I didn’t know what to say to him. One thing was for certain – this time, Reggie wouldn’t let me go. I was his and no one else’s.

  He slid a ring on my finger and said, “I mean no disrespect to Derrick in all of this, or to you for that matter, but you know how I feel about you. Don’t you?”

  “Yeah,” I said faintly, tears rushing from my eyes.

  “I want you to be my wife,” Reggie said. Then he placed a bigger band in my palm and folded my hand shut. “When you’re ready to say yes – I don’t care if its two months or two years from now – I want you to put this ring on my finger, okay?”

  “Reggie—”

  “Don’t say anything now. Just think about it, okay?”

  “All right,” I said for now, but I really wanted to tell Reggie no. I couldn’t marry him, not like this. Having lost my husband left me heartbroken. And though I didn’t cry now as much as I used to, it was still just as painful to think about.

  REGGIE DIDN’T EVEN want to leave for work in the morning. He said he didn’t want me here alone, in case something happened. I had to talk him into going to work and when I did, he made certain to tell me to call him if I was going to leave the house. I watched him drive off then called Mom at work. She picked up on the fourth ring, just as I was about to hang up.

  “Hey, Tiffany.”

  “Hey, Ma. You gotta help me.”

  “What’s wrong? Everything okay with the baby?”

  “Yeah. The baby is fine. I’m talking about Reggie.”

  “Oh…your other baby,” she chuckled. “What did he do now?”

  “He gave me a ring…asked me to marry him.”

  “Whaaat!” She screamed so loud, I had to move the phone away from my ear to preserve my hearing. And the baby’s.

  “Well, it wasn’t an official proposal, but we were lying in bed last night and he told me that he wanted me to be his wife.”

  “Sounds official to me. What did you say?”

  “Nothing. I just let him do all of the talking.”

  “So are you going to…ah… marry…him?”

  “I don’t know. I need some advice.”

  “Well, I told you before and I’ll tell you again, Reggie has always loved you.”

  “I know that, but just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean y’all gotta get married.”

  “You’re right, but what man on this earth can be better for you than Reggie?”

  “Derrick,” I said, crying suddenly, feeling my heart ache. “I want Derrick, Ma. I love him so much and I can’t let him go. I can’t.”

  Mom grew quiet at my response. Then she said, “I know honey, but Derrick is no longer with us.”

  “Derrick was perfect for me. He was the one for me,” I said sniffling and gasping for air. “And I love Reggie, I do, but I can’t go on with life like my husband didn’t matter to me.”

  “I don’t think Reggie would want you to feel like Derrick didn’t matter.”

  “Then, he would understand if I told him, no.”

  Mom sighed and said, “Let me ask you something honey – could you imagine living your life without Reggie being there?”

  “No.” I cried more at the thought. Just the mention of living without Reggie had my heart pounding.

  “Tiffany, don’t cry, honey. Just think seriously about this. Reggie has been through so much with you. If you say no to him, this time, you might lose him – permanently. You don’t want that, right?”

  “No.”

  “Then marry him.”

  “I can’t,” I said, sobbing more.

  “Why not, hun?”

  “Because I’m still in love with Derrick, and I don’t know if I have it in me to love them both equally. I mean, I just buried my husband a few months ago.”

  “Tiffany, sweetheart, I know this is rough. And Mama can’t tell you what to do. You need to search your heart for the answer. So sit back, relax, stop crying and try to take it easy, ‘kay? And did you feed my grandbaby this morning?”

  Just as she asked me that, Reggie was beepin’ in on the other line.

  “Ma, Ma, I gotta go. Reggie is on the other line. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I clicked over quickly. If I missed his call, he would think something was wrong. “Hello,” I said as cheerfully as I could.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Did you think about what I said last night?” he asked, wanting an answer to his marriage proposal.

  “Ah…yeah. A little.” A little – yeah, right. This was the only thing I could think about since I woke up this morning.

  “And? How do you feel about it?”

  “I’m not sure, Reggie.”

  “Ah’ight,” he said, chagrinned by my response. “Well think about it.”

  “Reggie…” I said, wanting to tell him I was unsure, that I loved him but didn’t see how we could get married. I was still grieving.

  “Baby, just think about it,” he imposed. “I’m cooking dinner tonight and our parents are coming over. I also invited Evelyn and James.”

  “You did? Why you invite Derrick’s parents?”

  “Because they are Lil’ Derrick’s grandparents and I thought they might want to see you and vice versa. You do want to see them, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, sure. That’ll be nice. So do you need for me to do anything while I’m here? I can set the table or cook something.”

  “No…the only thing you need to do is sit down and kick up your feet and watch TV or something.”

  “Reggie, I’m pregnant – not handicapped,” I said grinning a little.

  “I know, baby. I just don’t feel comfortable with you doing a lot while I’m not there.”

  “Okay, then I won’t do anything.”

  “Sounds good,” he said in a way that I knew he was smiling. “See you in a ‘lil bit.”

  REGGIE WAS AT home
six o’clock expecting everyone else at seven-thirty. He’d brought home two buckets of KFC, some biscuits and went straight to the kitchen to make his own sides. He was cooking green beans when I walked in.

  “Hey, you need some help?” I asked him.

  “Nah, I’m good, baby. You go and rest.”

  “I’ve been resting all day, Reggie.”

  “Well, you wanna help me set the table?”

  “Yeah, I can do that,” I said, eager to something. Then after hearing the doorbell, I waddled my way there, big belly and all.

  “Hey Evelyn. Hi James,” I said, cheerfully hugging my in-laws, who I felt strongly connected to just now.

  “Hello darling,” Evelyn said. “Look at you! My grandbaby is getting so big!”

  “Yeah. I’m eight months now. My doctor says he’s about seven and a half pounds.”

  “Wow. He’s going to be a big boy, just like Derrick was. When Derrick was born, he weighed nine pounds. I had to get stitches and everything.”

  “Wow,” I said, smiling at her recollection of Derrick and also glad to hear her talk about him, realizing how difficult it must be for them to have lost a son, and how parents expect to die before their kids and not the other way around. Most will even tell you that they would rather die before their children since that is the normal order of life. Then on the other hand, I’m thinking about having a nine pounder – the stitches, blood and the possible C-section. Thanks for scaring the crap out of me, Evelyn.