by Stella Gray
Speaking of which—how the hell was I supposed to know how to be a dad? That was the newest role of all. I could barely stand to think about it. Knowing that I owed it to Max to step up after all these years helped, though. In a way, it took the decision right out of my hands. Of course I’d be there for him. However I could. I just didn’t know where to start.
I had barely gotten a good look at the boy before he was taken away to bed, but I’d seen his green eyes. Zoric eyes. They’d looked like a perfect mix of mine and Anja’s blue-green.
Coming home to Tori, my mind blown, I’d stripped off my clothes and crawled into the guest bed, automatically reaching for her. I’d wanted her so much, needed to be inside her with a primal need that I’d never felt before. It hadn’t taken much to wake her, had taken even less to seduce her. Tori had always been easy for me to read, so I’d made it a point to learn everything that turned her on. I knew she liked it when I took charge, when I dominated her, and I was always more than happy to comply. Her body had been warm and welcoming under my hands, and I’d fucked her until she was panting and begging beneath me.
The tight clench of her pussy as she came had been nearly enough to set me off as well, but I’d managed to hold on for a bit longer, wanting to savor the feel of her body against mine. I’d wanted to possess her, to fill her up, to claim her completely. And she’d wanted that, too. I could tell by the way her body reacted to mine, how quickly she came again on my cock.
I’d fucked her hard, but she had liked it, had begged for it. I’d given her everything she’d asked for, whispering words of love and desire the whole time. I’d meant it all, even if the alcohol had loosened my tongue more than I had expected.
None of it had been a lie. I loved her. I needed her. I wanted to believe she felt the same.
My head had ached when I woke up that morning, but finding the bed empty I’d dressed quickly. When I’d stepped out of the guest room, I found her standing in the hallway, frozen, looking like she’d been caught sneaking out. And then she’d proceeded to evade me.
She’d denied her odd behavior when I’d called her out on it, but I saw right through the act. Her eyes were too wide, her smile too bright and quick. Even her voice had sounded off, higher pitched and cheerier than its usual timbre. She’d left in a hurry.
I didn’t understand. She was being distant—first insisting she leave me alone with Anja at my dad’s, then coming home and sleeping the guest room, and then trying to sneak out this morning while I was sleeping. What was she playing at? Why wasn’t she being honest with me?
It had taken all of my strength to stay upright while I questioned her. Now that she was gone, I slumped in my chair. I was exhausted. Everything ached. After finishing my breakfast, I took a few ibuprofen and got in the shower, hoping the hot water would help me think.
As I stood under the spray, I realized that I couldn’t put off my paternal duties any longer than I already had—and since Tori had said she would be gone until later tonight, I might as well tackle the kid issue right away. Decision made, I started feeling better already.
I toweled off and got dressed, putting on my usual uniform of a perfectly tailored suit, Italian shoes, sleek designer watch, and a slim silk tie. When I looked in the mirror, I saw what I needed to see: someone who had their shit together. Someone formidable. Someone who wasn’t going to be pushed around.
Then I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my father.
“I’m not going to make it into the office today,” I told him, keeping my voice calm and collected. “Figured I should take some time off and get to know the kid.”
He couldn’t know how thrown I’d been by all of this, or that I was worried about my marriage or Tori or anything else. I had to appear unflustered. Untouchable.
“You have my blessing,” my father said. I could hear the glee in his tone, could tell he was gloating over all his vile plans coming together, whatever they were. “Take all the time you need, Stefan. Nothing’s more important than family.”
After asking for Anja’s number, I’d gotten off the phone, hating him even more.
As I dialed her number, I found myself pacing in the living room, unable to sit still. I wasn’t nervous about talking to her—I was nervous about seeing my kid. She wouldn’t deny me that, based on the conversation we’d had last night, but I had no idea how I was supposed to act around Max, or if he’d even accept me as his mother’s ‘friend.’ Springing the whole dad thing on him today wasn’t part of my plan, but I was hoping to at least start building some kind of relationship with him. Anja and I could discuss the logistics of it later, once I had a better idea of what I was capable of offering, and if the boy seemed open to seeing more of me.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Anja. It’s Stefan,” I said.
“Hey. I’m glad you called,” she said, sounding relieved.
Hearing her voice, I realized I was still angry at her. Even though most of my fury was rightfully directed at my father for instigating and enabling the whole disappearance, I still couldn’t help feeling frustrated and betrayed over the fact that Anja had been fully capable of reaching out to me for the last eight plus years—had had every opportunity to contact me and tell me that we had a son—but instead chose to remain silent and hidden.
And I still didn’t know if I could trust her.
It was then that I realized I didn’t know what name to use. She’d mentioned that my father had helped her get a whole new identity; surely she wouldn’t go by Anja anymore.
“What name do you use now?” I asked. “Should I call you something else?”
She laughed. “My friends call me Annette. But Anja is good. It’s nice to hear it again.”
“Okay. So. The reason I’m calling is because I’ve given it some thought, and I feel like we should spend some time together,” I began.
“Yes of course,” she said eagerly. “Max too?”
“Max is the only reason we have to spend any time together,” I said. “And if he was over eighteen, I would be calling him, not you.”
I wasn’t trying to be harsh, but I wanted to be clear with her from the beginning. This wasn’t about her and me. This wasn’t about what we’d had or even about the declaration of love she had dropped at my feet last night. This was about Max. This was about our son.
“Okay,” Anja said, but some of the happiness had gone out of her voice. “I understand.”
“I took the day off,” I went on. “Pick a place we can go. Somewhere Max would like.”
“Somewhere Max would like,” Anja repeated slowly, taking a moment to think. “Why don’t we go to the zoo? He loves animals. Those are his favorite channels on TV, too.”
I filed away this information in my mind for later, committed to learning everything I could about my son. It would also help me break the ice when I saw him. Part of me wanted to beg Anja for a full run-down, to take notes on all his likes and dislikes, to get whatever information I could that would make it easier to build a relationship with the kid. But I also wanted to learn about him on my own. Do the hard work myself. Let Max tell me what he liked, and show me who he was. Children were more complicated than people gave them credit for, but I was willing to take the time to figure him out. Hopefully he’d feel the same about me.
“I’ll send a car over to pick you up at my dad’s place,” I told her. “My driver will wait at the curb. Meet me at the front gates.” I hung up before she could say anything else.
Maybe it was cold, maybe it was cruel, but Anja’s feelings weren’t my priority right now.
Tori’s were. Unfortunately, she’d left that morning without giving me a clear understanding of what she needed or wanted from me. I had no idea what to do. But as I’d learned in the past, when it came to Tori, she valued honesty and openness. I could manage that.
Quickly I texted her, telling her what I was doing with my day.
Took off work—going to the zoo to get to know Max better. Anja will acco
mpany us. Let me know if this is a problem. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with any of this.
I waited for a response. And waited.
Nothing.
I knew she was in class, but I couldn’t wait all day. I also couldn’t imagine she’d have a problem with my plans, and I hated the idea of canceling on my kid last minute. I kept an eye on my cell until I had to walk out the door to meet Anja and Max, but Tori never replied.
Stefan
Chapter 7
The hardest thing about trying to figure out this whole dad thing was that my own had never provided much of an example. Growing up motherless in my father’s house, I’d learned early on that his responsibilities included putting a roof over his kids’ heads and meals on the table—any needs we had beyond that were best met by anyone else but him. Looking back, I couldn’t help wondering what my childhood would have been like if I’d had the kind of dad who was around more, who took me to Cubs games or encouraged me to join the Boy Scouts or even just showed up once in a while for school plays or feigned interest in my model planes. I’d grown up so fast and buried my feelings for so long that I was only now starting to realize how much it had affected me. But it wouldn’t do any good to dwell on it. It was time to step up.
“Welcome to the Brookfield Zoo,” the employee at the ticket counter said, his voice crackling through the speaker in the glass divider.
“Three tickets, please,” I said. “One—no, two adult—and one child admission.”
I slid my card across the counter and the employee swiped it, slid it back to me, and smiled as the tickets printed out.
“Have a great day with your family,” he said, passing me the tickets along with a map.
For a moment I froze, the word practically knocking the wind out of me. My family.
“Sir?” he said. “You need something else?”
“Uh, no. Thank you. I’m great,” I said, shuffling away.
Family. I had a family now. Tori was my family, and obviously so were the Zorics, both immediate and extended. But this kid made me the head of my own little clan—Max was the first of my bloodline. It was wild.
Map and tickets in hand, I went back and stood at the front gates of the zoo, waiting for Anja and Max. I saw families of all kinds, nannies pushing babies in strollers, older folks with their grandkids, a few school groups all lined up in their bright colored coats. I felt out of place in my suit and tie. Everyone else was dressed casually, and even though the day was warm for November, I saw a variety of mismatched hats, scarves, and gloves. Still, this was who I was. Professional, put-together, buttoned-up.
Thinking better of it, I took off my tie and slipped it into my coat pocket. The last thing I wanted to do was intimidate my kid.
I checked my watch and tried not to start pacing, tried not to get cold feet.
People talked about maternal instincts, but you didn’t often hear about paternal ones. Was I cut out for fatherhood? I just wasn’t sure. All I could do was give it my best shot.
Pulling out my phone, I was about to call Anja and see where they were, but when I looked up I saw her and Max walking toward me through the parking lot. She looked classy and sleek in head-to-toe black and big sunglasses, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and Max was wearing a red puffer jacket and matching hat, his dark hair curling out from the bottom.
When they came up to me, Anja stepped to the side and said, “Max, I want you to meet Stefan. He’s Mommy’s old friend. A man who’s always been important to me.”
Her words were like a knife to the gut. Suddenly I felt like I was the one who’d given up on her, who hadn’t been around when she needed me most. I should have found her. Should have fought harder to get her back. But if I had, I wouldn’t have Tori now. And I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I hoped to god I wasn’t losing her. That this wasn’t all a mistake.
“Hello,” I said, resisting the urge to kneel, trying not to tower over the boy.
Max looked up at me, studying my face curiously for a moment, and then grinned shyly, revealing a missing front tooth. “Hi. I’m Max.”
Then he stuck out a small hand for me to shake. I was completely undone.
“Good to meet you, Max,” I said, shaking his hand firmly but gently.
Up close I could see how much he resembled Anja—he had her same wide-set eyes and high cheekbones, the same exact shape of the ears. Like most young kids, he also had round cheeks and a snub nose, his with a spray of freckles across it. Objectively speaking, he really was adorable.
“I got us tickets already,” I said pulling them out, “so why don’t we head inside and check out some of these animals? Max, you want to look at the map?”
“Sure,” he said, taking it from me and studying it. “Hey, look, there’s a swamp in here!”
“Wow,” Anja said. “You’re gonna get to see some big alligators.”
“Uh huh,” he said, flashing that shy grin again.
“You’re into alligators?” I asked him.
He nodded. “Yup. Did you know that their ancestors were dinosaurs?” he informed me solemnly.
“That makes sense,” I said, scrambling to keep our conversation going. “You, uh, you like dinosaurs?”
“Of course,” Max said. “Come on.”
With that, he charged into the zoo.
Inside, Anja kept a hand on Max’s shoulder to guide him while he pored over the map, and I kept a little distance. I had no idea what I was doing—kid stuff was new to me. Even hanging out with my siblings when we were little, it never felt like I was doing much besides taking their lead. Pushing toy cars or plastic dragons around on the carpet with Emzee or riding bikes with Luka. Reading books out loud to them once I started school and got a library card.
“Do you like dinosaurs?” Max asked, looking at me over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” I said. “I mean, I used to.”
That seemed to relax him in a big way, and I saw him nodding to himself as he fell in step beside me.
“So what’s your favorite? My mom’s is the pterodactyl because it can fly.”
Anja shot me a little smile, as if apologizing. But it didn’t bother me. The more he was able to open up, the more I’d learn about him, and the easier it’d be to engage. I could only imagine how awkward the day would be if the conversation was all on me.
“Probably a T. rex,” I said. “King of the dinos.”
Max nodded. “Yeah, but not the biggest. Gigantosaurus was bigger.”
“Giganotosaurus,” Anja corrected.
“That’s what I said,” Max huffed. “Spinosaurus was bigger, too. That’s my favorite ‘cause they could swim. They had these spikes all over their back to keep off predators.”
I had to smile. My kid was an encyclopedia. He definitely didn’t get that from me.
“The Swamp!” he announced, pointing at the building with its triangular rooftop and triple-arched entryway. “We made it.”
Heading into the building, we were immediately hit with a fug of warm, humid air, and the sound of running water. There were cypress trees and ferns and palms, the light filtered as if we really were walking through a swamp. It was a whole ecosystem. Max loved it.
After that initial walk through the swamp building, we rode the carousel and went into the butterfly enclosure, per Anja’s request. The day seemed to get easier, with Max getting less shy with each new experience, excited to talk to me about every new animal we saw. We took a break to have a pizza lunch, followed by Dippin’ Dots—Max insisted, despite the cool weather, telling Anja, “It’s not for me, it’s for my friend. We can share!”—and my chest felt tight as I realized Max’s ‘friend’ was me.
As we strolled around the Reptiles and Birds building, taking in the Komodo dragons, iguanas, and lizards, I couldn’t help feeling proud of the kid Max had turned out to be. Anja deserved a lot of credit for raising him so well.
Despite everything, I felt myself softening toward her. A little. Even though I didn
’t agree with what she had done and why she had chosen to keep her location and Max a secret from me for all these years, I could understand—given my involvement with KZM—why she had. I could also imagine that even with my father’s money and support, it hadn’t been easy to raise Max on her own.
That didn’t mean anything was going to happen between the two of us, though.
“Re-tic-u-lated python,” Max read out loud. “It’s the world’s longest snake. Cool!”
I looked into the enclosure alongside him and smiled. “That is pretty cool. Why do you think he’s got that pattern on him?”
“It’s for camouflage,” he said. “A lot of animals have it. It’s like a disguise.”
Anja and I watched proudly as Max went from one tank to the next, reading the plaques next to the enclosures to us. Occasionally I’d help him spot scaly animals that were hiding out in corners or under rocks, away from prying eyes. He was having a blast.
Max was so sweet, so genuinely good, and so curious about everything around him. Nothing like me as a kid. Losing my mom when I was six had made me turn inward, and I’d been fairly closed-off emotionally, and resistant to authority figures. I was so glad Max wasn’t like that. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more he reminded me of Tori. He had the same bright intelligence, inquisitive nature, and kind heart.
Then again, everything reminded me of Tori. No matter what I did or where I was, my thoughts always seemed to return to her.
Not for the first time that day, I wished she was here with us. That she was the woman at my side. She’d know exactly what to say, how to act around a kid like Max. In fact, she’d probably be great at it. I checked my phone again, hoping for a response, hoping for any indication that she had gotten my message. Nothing.
“Hey, buddy—you wanna go see the Big Cats?” Max was saying, interrupting my thoughts. He held up the map, now scrunched and limp in his fist, and pointed. “There’s lions.”
