Hawk's Choice (Infernal Sons MC Book 3)

by Carol Dawn

  I believe with everything I am that they will accept me. Accept the fact that I don’t want to be a patched brother but still want to be part of their family.

  Pushing all doubt and fear aside, I go to my closet. I don’t want to overwhelm everyone, so I pick something simple. Black skinny jeans with a simple white top. A red blazer and red high heels.

  Simple, yet one of my favorites.

  I keep my head shaved so I have no problems when I want to wear a wig. But today I’m just leaving my head as it is.

  Slowly, I manage to get dressed without too much pain. I put my high heels aside and grab my makeup bag. I can’t go to the restroom without Hawk seeing me, so I try my best to apply my makeup with the minimal lighting in the room.

  I decide on the classic smokey eye look using black on the outer crease and white on the inner. I blend the top of the makeup with a gray and add a soft, smokey liner to top it off. Deciding to forgo the lashes, I just apply mascara.

  I finish my makeup with foundation, a light pink blush, highlighter, and red lipstick.

  I can’t help but smile at myself in the mirror.

  God, I’ve missed me.

  I pack my makeup, clothes and anything else I might need into a suitcase. I slide my heels on and prepare myself for the next step.

  Deep breath in. Grab the door handle and turn. Exhale.

  Here goes nothing. I open the door and step out into the living room. Hawk is leaning against the front door with his back to me.

  “We’ll be stopping by the clubhouse before heading to the cabin… Sounds good, see you then, brother.”

  I stand there watching as Hawk tucks his phone into his pocket and leans back against the wall. I don’t make a sound. I don’t so much as breathe. I take every single second to remember the way he looked at me before. The way he acted towards me.

  Everything is about to change. I don’t know-how, or if it’s a good thing or a bad one. But I have a feeling that from the moment he turns around, everything will be different.

  He straightens and slowly, so freaking slowly, turns around.

  The moment his eyes land on me, he freezes. His face blank.

  My lungs are burning from the lack of oxygen, but I still can’t find the strength to take a breath.

  He scans me from head to toe. Then he does it again, and again.

  What is he thinking? Is he disgusted? Does he think I’m a freak? Does he think I want to be a woman?

  He closes his eyes and turns around.

  My heart breaks at the rejection. I knew that this would be the result. But I refuse to change who I am simply because a man I think I love doesn’t approve.

  I let my head fall and finally inhale some much-needed oxygen.

  I won’t let this stop me. I’m tired of hiding. I want my new family to know who I really am and choose to help me, the real me, hide from my uncle.

  “I understand,” I say, softly. “But I won’t change back, Hawk. This is who I am. This is me. I won’t pretend to be someone else. Not even for you.”

  “Give me your face, Phoenix,” Hawk says, gruffly.

  He’s close. So close I can feel his body heat. When did he move?

  “I’m waiting, and I won’t ask again, boy.”

  The tone of his voice sends shivers all over my body. What the heck is going on?

  It takes all the courage I have to raise my head up to his face. Even with all that courage, I don’t have enough to open my eyes. I don’t want to see the rejection up close.

  “A word won’t be said until you open your eyes,” he informs me.

  Knowing he isn’t bluffing I steel my heart and open my eyes.

  Hawk’s face is still blank, but his eyes look soft. Can he tell how absolutely terrified I am?

  “We have much to talk about, huh?” I ask him.

  He remains silent.

  “Look,” I sigh. “If this makes you uncomfortable, I can tone it down a bit.”

  “You are so fucking beautiful, baby.”

  What? Did he just say what I think he did?

  “Huh?”

  “My God, I thought you were beautiful before, but looking at you now, I can’t believe how wrong I was.”

  Wow!

  “You think I’m beautiful?” I ask, shocked. “Even though I look like a woman?”

  Shaking his head, Hawk says, “You don’t look like a woman, sweet boy. You look like you. I still see your luscious lips, beautiful jawbone, lickable Adam’s apple, sexy body, and perfect brown eyes that are filled with so much hope. All you have done is wrap an already perfect thing in a very pretty package. And, I am a sucker for pretty things.”

  “You think my Adam’s apple is lickable?”

  Chuckling he says, “Is that the only thing you got out of all that?”

  “It’s the only thing I’m able to process at the moment,” I admit.

  He grips my chin and gently lifts my face a little higher. With my heels on, I’m not much shorter than he is. But, he’s still taller than me and I love that.

  “Is this what you wanted to show me?” he asks.

  I nod my answer.

  “Why have you not shown me earlier? Why have you been hiding this part of you?”

  I know that we need to talk about my uncle, but I want to ride this high a little longer.

  “You’ll understand why after we have that talk,” I tell him.

  He just stares into my eyes, still holding my chin in place.

  “Alright,” he agrees. “But that talk will be happening tonight.”

  I figured. I knew he wouldn’t go long before making me talk.

  “Well, let’s get to the clubhouse so I can shock everyone,” I say, walking toward the front door.

  “Sling.”

  Damn, I didn’t think he noticed.

  “It doesn’t really go with my outfit,” I say.

  “I don’t care,” he says, walking back to my room.

  He returns with my suitcase and that freaking sling.

  “Put it on or I’m telling Ink that you’re the one hiding his tattoo gun every evening after he closes the shop. Then messing with the security cameras so you wouldn’t get caught.”

  “How did you know that I was the one doing that?” I ask, shocked.

  “I didn’t,” he says with a smirk.

  Oh, that sneaky little devil.

  I grab the sling and slide it on.

  Giving Hawk one last glare, I open the apartment door and head downstairs. I have a tattoo gun to hide and ink colors to switch around before leaving.

  “What I don’t understand is why you’re doing it,” Hawk says from behind me.

  “Every now and again Ink will send people up to my apartment because they have to use the restroom,” I tell him as I switch the purple ink with the green.

  “Isn’t there one down here?”

  “Yes. He only sends them upstairs if they have to take a dump.”

  Hawk laughs. “Yeah, that sounds like him.”

  “Well, it drives me crazy. Not to mention the smells some people release from their body should be illegal. So, occasionally, I’ll come down and give items a new home. I’m going to give it a few more months before I tell him it’s me.”

  I finish my task and head for the front door.

  “Let’s go, big guy. I want to get this over with.”

  Not hearing him move, I turn around only to see him standing there with a menacing smirk on his face.

  “Those heels make your ass look fucking delicious,” he growls.

  I quickly turn back around so he can’t see my embarrassment.

  “No honey,” I say with more confidence than I have. “My ass has always looked this delicious. But I sure do make these heels look amazing.”

  His chuckle follows me all the way out to his truck.

  Chapter Four

  Hawk

  Shocked. That’s what I am.

  When I turned around and got my first glimpse of Phoenix and what he w
anted to show me, I was frozen stupid.

  My sexy obsession was in skintight jeans, a white shirt with a small red jacket, a face full of colorful perfection, and those sexy as fuck heels.

  I’ve always known I was gay. I have never had an inkling of attraction toward any female.

  I’ve had a few boyfriends in the past, but they were all big men like myself. I’ve never been interested in smaller men. I always thought I needed someone to help balance out my need to take care of my man in all ways.

  What I really needed all this time was this.

  Not a small man who wears makeup, skintight clothes, and fuck me heels. No, what I needed all this time was this man.

  It feels like I’ve waited lifetimes for him to come into my life. I can’t believe I let a whole year go by without making him mine.

  That stops now.

  “What if they’re disgusted?”

  His question pulls me from my thoughts as he hops up into my truck.

  “They won’t be, sweetheart.”

  Every time I use a pet name on him, a little color sweeps his beautiful face.

  I grab his seatbelt and lean over him to buckle him in.

  “I can do that, Hawk.”

  “I know you can,” I say as I click the belt in place. “But I want to. It would make me a very happy man if you’ll just let me take care of you, sweet boy. It will bring me more pleasure than you can possibly imagine.”

  “Just by buckling my seatbelt?” he asks, confused.

  “And feeding you, helping you bathe, protecting you, making you happy, carrying you so you never have to walk again.”

  Phoenix chuckles but he’ll eventually learn that I mean every word I say.

  “Okay,” he says through his giggle. “Down, daddy. I can walk perfectly fine.”

  I growl at the thought of him calling me, daddy.

  “Watch yourself, boy,” I warn him “Don’t go starting something you might not be able to handle.”

  He opens and shuts his mouth a few times before deciding to stay silent. Smart, boy. I shut his door and make my way to the driver’s side. After Church, I’m taking Phoenix home so that we can have a long-overdue chat.

  I will find out what he’s hiding from. And, he will learn that I’m just as much his as he is mine.

  Too fast? Probably.

  Do I give a fuck?

  Not even in the slightest.

  “I’m thinking maybe you were right and should drop me off at your house, first,” he says, nervously.

  “I’m not needed half the time during church, anyway. You can just give me the cliff notes when you get home.”

  My poor boy.

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about, baby,” I assure him.

  “I’m not nervous, Hawk,” he says, looking out the window. “I’m downright terrified. I don’t normally care what people think about me, but you and the rest of the guys have become my family. I would be devastated if they didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

  “You know everyone enough to know that that isn’t going to happen,” I say.

  “What if they call me names?” he asks, completely ignoring me. “What if they laugh and point and call me horrible, terrible names?”

  Every part of the biker persona that Phoenix has been hiding behind this past year is gone. He sounds insecure and terrified. Defeated.

  Not wanting those feelings of his to fester any deeper or longer than they already have, I pull over to the side of the road and turn off the truck.

  Unbuckling his seatbelt, I grab his waist and lift him sideways onto my lap.

  Not giving him enough time to freak out, I grab the back of his neck and slam my lips down on his.

  My plan was to help him calm down, but the second I got my first taste of him, I lost all control.

  He didn’t even try to take control. He gave in completely to my demands. I dominated his mouth until we were both in need of air. Only then did I pull back enough for us to breathe. But, still close enough to inhale his every breath.

  “Wow,” he whispers against my lips.

  “Are you alright?” I ask him.

  “You have lipstick on your lips,” is his answer.

  I lean in and gently nip his bottom lip between my teeth. Then kiss away the slight sting.

  “And you no longer have any on yours,” I say. “Now, I’ll ask again and this time I expect an answer. Are you alright?”

  “I’m scared,” he says, his eyes filling with tears.

  “I promise you, baby, everything will be just fine. You’ll see.”

  “But what if they do? What if someone calls me names? I may not have acted like it this past year, Hawk, but I’m scared all the freaking time. My emotions are on the edge and it won’t take much to break me.”

  I feel his pain deep in my soul.

  “No one will say a thing, sweet boy,” I say, before leaning in for another soft kiss. “And, if they do, I’ll deal with it.”

  His head falls to rest on my shoulder, and I squeeze him a little tighter. We sit there for another five minutes before I reluctantly slide him back to his seat.

  ***

  We arrive at the clubhouse ten minutes later.

  “I need to fix my makeup,” he says, grabbing his smaller bag.

  I wait patiently while he adds more red makeup to his swollen lips. Fuck, I can’t wait to see those wrapped around my dick.

  Speaking of my dick, it’s pressed uncomfortably against the inside of my zipper. If it keeps this up there will be a permanent indent to remind me what this man does to me without trying.

  “I’m ready,” he announces. “Let’s get this over with.”

  I hop out of the truck and rush to Phoenix’s side and open his door.

  “Let’s go, sweet boy,” I say, reaching out my hand to help him down.

  He grabs my hand without an ounce of hesitation.

  That’s my boy.

  “Let’s go, big guy,” he says with a fake smile. “Time to see if anyone touched my computers while I was away.”

  He hops down from the truck without thinking and buckles over in pain.

  “Damnit, Phoenix,” I scold him. “I was trying to help you down.”

  “I…Forgot,” he pants.

  He stays in that position trying to catch his breath for a couple of minutes.

  “Okay,” he says, straightening. “That was stupid. But you did take a lot of my weight with that one hand, so thank you.”

  “Heart palpitations, Phoenix. That’s what you give me. Heart palpitations.”

  “It’s because of my sexy ass, huh?” he teases as he walks towards the building swaying his hips. Albeit, slowly.

  Following, I tap his ass and grin at his sharp intake of breath.

  “Enough with your teasing, boy.”

  I grab his uninjured hand and we make our way inside.

  Once inside, Phoenix drops my hand and slows until he’s a step behind me.

  “Hey brother,” Bear says from the couch. “We were just talking about you.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Bear says that you two never did the old switch-a-roo,” Ink says.

  Chucking, I say, “Of course not. A blind person could tell the ugly twin apart from me. No offense, Bella.”

  “I can see,” she giggles. “Sort of.”

  “Well,” interrupts Rose. “I think you both look practically the same and are equally as handsome.”

  “Careful there, sis,” Josh warns, teasingly. “You’re going to make your man jealous. Not to mention Hawk’s friend hiding behind him.”

  “Care to introduce us?” Chains asks.

  I can feel Phoenix step closer to my back.

  “It would my absolute pleasure to introduce my very special friend.”

  I toss everyone a warning glare before I continue. If someone says one negative thing about my man, I don’t think I’ll be able to hold myself back.

  “Everyone, I’d like you to meet my beau
tiful man,” I pause. “Phoenix.”

  I take a step sideways so Phoenix can have his moment with our family.

  My eyes stay trained on him. He’s scared to death and his face show’s it.

  “Uhm…hey everyone,” he says, softly.

  His shoulders are hunched, his voice is shaky, and he’s tapping his fingers on his legs. But what he’s not doing is looking down. He stares each and every member in the eye.

  So fucking brave.

  “So, uhm, I guess I have something I want to say,” he says. “Well, a couple of somethings. Please, let me get through this before you say anything.”

  He waits until everyone nods before continuing.

  “I’m hiding from someone. I don’t want to go into details just this minute, but as soon as I talk to Hawk about it, I’ll fill you all in, if you want.”

  That’s right fuckers, me first.

  Everyone starts laughing.

  “Shit, did I say that out loud?” I ask, looking at Phoenix.

  Nodding his answer with a small smile, he continues.

  “When I first came here last year, I knew a biker club would be the last place he would look for me. But, I swear, I didn’t lie about anything. My name really is Phoenix, I really am way too smart for my own good, and I really did try my very best to be what you all needed me to be.”

  He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It makes my chest grow when he looks to me for comfort. I give him a smile of encouragement.

  “In order to completely commit to this new me, I needed to lose a part of myself that…well, I needed to lose myself. Every part of me that made me who I was. I love being Slim. I love being part of this family. And, I am so scared of what will happen next. Not only because of who you see before you but because of what I’m about to say.”

  His voice breaks. I take the few steps separating us and rub my hand in circles on the small of his back. I want to pick him up and take him away. Tell him that he doesn’t have to explain a damn thing. But he needs this. So, I stay silent.

  “This is me,” he continues. “This is who I am. I am proud of who I am. I love who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am. But, in order to be who I am, I can’t be a brother.”

  The room is silent.

  We all knew that his heart wasn’t into being a brother. That’s why he hasn’t already been patched in.