by Olga Menson
* *
I woke to gentle shaking, thunder rolling, and lightning flashing.
"Come on, please," Ash pleaded, real worry in her voice, "I can't carry you. Get up!"
I struggled to my feet, looking around stupidly.
"My shorts," I said in a daze. I wasn't in pain, but I was beyond tired. I wanted to just lay down on the rock until morning came. Ash seemed to sense this, and I suppose it panicked her a bit.
"Forget them! Just...just follow me ok. Lean on me but don't stop. Not until I say so!"
I nodded and leaned into her. She staggered under my greater weight, but somehow we got back to the cabin. I remember coming inside and then being led to the sofa. Apparently, Ash didn't think I would make it up the stairs. She let me sit then, but not lay down.
Ash got a towel and then dried herself and then me. She was gentle and slow and almost worshipful of my body. I'll remember how loving she was, how careful, for the rest of my days. I was cold and shivering, so she covered me in a blanket. She brought me water and it was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted, except for her. At last, she pushed me down, and I lay back on a pillow that had somehow appeared there when I hadn't been paying attention.
I felt some apprehension, but then Ashley got under the covers with me and settled her naked form on mine, cuddling on my chest. I sighed deeply. Things were, at last, as they should be. All was right. I slept.
* * *
Understanding
* * *
I woke late the following afternoon. I expected Ashley to mock me, but instead, she just seemed really worried. I suppose it's only fair though. If the women have to suffer a more profound threat, then men should bear the more significant pain and fatigue. We still made love, but slowly, and she was on top. I didn't feel genuinely like myself again for three more days.
Things, however, were wonderful. The fear was gone. Nothing troubled my beloved little sister. We were never far from each other, but it was by choice. There was no annoyance or over-clinginess. I suppose this is what it must be like to be newlyweds.
Mom and Dad didn't respond to our calls, but we didn't expect them to. They just showed up two weeks later. I had been upset for a while, but Ashley urged me to be calm.
"They probably learned the same way, John. And really, if they explained it to us directly, wouldn't there be a possibility of a reaction like Margaret's?"
"I guess," I said, not really believing it. It was hard to be angry at anyone at that moment, really. I was sitting on the porch, in a large, comfortable chair. Ashley was in my lap. We'd made love just that morning, and I could tell by the way she was occasionally kissing me on my neck and moving her hand over my chest that we would do so again, soon. Maybe right there on the chair.
I will admit that I had a moment of panic and guilt when our parent's car pulled down the lonely road up to the house. Ashley looked at me and smiled reassuringly.
"Relax, John. Mom and Dad are brother and sister too, remember?"
"I know...it's just hard to get used to."
Speaking of our parents, they were happy and smiling when they get out of the car. My remaining anger dissipated. They were, more or less, proud parents of newlywed children. Mom was even crying a little, and Dad's smile was huge.
"See," he said, "I told you they'd be all right. Just like we were."
I didn't even get a chance to reply before Ashley jumped up and hugged Mom. Dad walked over and shook my hand. It was weird, but not awkward, and generally wholesome, all things considered.
I don't remember a lot of the conversation at that moment, but it was mostly congratulations from them and a little grumbling from Ashley and me. Soon we were all in the kitchen, making lunch together like old times. The only difference being that Ashley snuck up behind me while I was making the salad, hugged me tightly and then sneakily groped my ass before snickering and running away.
After we sat down to eat, I finally had to ask. I did it bluntly, the way Dad would have.
"I don't want to bring you down, but how could you guys be so sure that we'd figure this out. To me, it seems like you were gambling with Ashley's life."
"John, they would never do that!"
Ashley was upset, but by her smile, I could tell that she loved that I was protective of her. She'd always appreciated that part of me.
To our surprise, Mom and Dad looked at each other and laughed.
"Your father said almost exactly the same thing to your grandfather. In that same tone. This isn't something that can be explained, or forced. You had to come here on your own, discover your feelings, and read the book. Any interference from us...could cause more harm than good. I wanted to tell you, but in this case, your father was right to keep to the traditions."
Dad laughed.
"I'm not right all that often, but I knew it would be ok. To be honest, neither of you are very subtle. You started avoiding each other more and more but were never angry at each other. You were both so happy to see each other even if you had only been apart for a few hours, but there was that last barrier to overcome. I knew what would happen if we left you both up here. For what it's worth, I'm sorry if anything happened to make you afraid. I hate it, but you needed to experience it, so you understood how serious the whole thing is."
I sighed and conceded the point.
"Yeah. Even if you both had sat down and explained things to us I probably would have thought you were crazy. Seeing those...things...made it real enough that I would have done anything you protect Ash. Even if I thought it was, um, morally wrong."
I was still struggling with that in those days. I don't so much anymore. Ashley broke the silence, squeezing my hand and looking at me with pure adoration in her beautiful hazel eyes. I'd do anything for her when she looks at me like that, and I think she knows it.
"You were so wonderful, John. You wouldn't leave my side, and you were here for me however I needed you to be. And, um...I can't imagine a better first lover."
I must have turned deep red because everyone started chuckling at me. What can I say? I still wasn't used to talking about my incestuous union with my sister in front of our parents. Things like that can take some getting used to.
The evening passed. I took Ashley out and fucked her on the rock again, this time in the warmth of the afternoon sun. It still hurt, but very little. If anything, it just enhanced the pleasure I took from my little sister's body. We swam afterward, leaving our offering of fluids in the small basin there.
That was how the summer went. We never wanted to leave the cabin to go back to school when we were young, but this was different. We would be leaving each other. It was indeed more than a secret affair by then. It was a marriage in all but name. And one day, it probably would be that as well.
But Ashley had dreams, and I had plans. So she started at her college, and I went back to mine. We weren't that far apart, in the end. We spent almost every weekend together. Once when Ashley called, and I could hear desperate loneliness in her voice, I drove out in the middle of the night and surprised her. We made love in her bed there, quietly, so as not to wake her roommate a few doors over. I would still do much more just to be with her, and I know she would for me as well.
We're close now. I graduated, and she will soon. We're looking at places to live. Far enough away to be safe from discovery, but not too far from Mom and Dad, or The Cabin. Every summer is like the first time for us.
I thank the Ancients now and am happy to give something to them in exchange for this happiness. Our love grows stronger. The tradition is maintained. Soon, I'm sure, my little sister will tell me that she's carrying my child.
So like my father, did, and like his father, all the way back to the first of our family on this continent, I'm recording this. I've read many more of our family records since then. Some are tragic, but most are stories like ours. Without exception, all of them are full of love. It's written in every word on every page, and if a little pain is the price, then I will gladly keep paying it
.
With Love,
John & Ashley, 1987
THE END
* * *
Heart's Fall
* * *
Now - Lost in the River
* * *
"What?" I said, disbelieving.
"We're...we're seeing each other..." Shanon said, stumbling through her confession while awkwardly holding Gary's hand. Sorry, awkwardly holding my "friend" Gary's hand.
"Seeing each other, or fucking?" I felt the old coldness take me. I didn't get mad like other people, but I could be cruel.
"Jesus Christ, James," Gary started. I didn't let him finish.
"No one's talking to you, Gary," I said, "In fact, I'm a little insulted that you're here. I'd have thought that Shanon would have had the decency to break up with me face to face, alone. I've never hurt or threatened you. I cannot believe you're telling me like this. Ganging up on me."
"We're not ganging up on you!" she said, almost desperately, "Yes, we slept together, ok? Just once. And we didn't plan this. It just kind of happened. You were out of town and Gary came over looking for you and we started talking and...well then we started hanging out...and then...then we kissed...and touched each other..."
There wasn't any shame on Gary's face, in fact I wasn't even sure he was capable of it, but I could read it on Shanon's. Who would ever have expected that smart, honest Shanon would have done this. Not me, and probably not her. Well, people never failed to disappoint.
"I'm pretty sure you didn't plan it, Shanon. Can't really say the same about him." He'd always had a thing for her, but lots of people have crushes and don't act on them. I guess it was too much to ask of him.
"I resent that, James."
"Resent it if you want, Gary. That doesn't mean it isn't true."
"What?" he said, actually looking stunned. It was hilarious, like a cartoon. I ignored him.
Shanon cleared her throat.
"Look," she said, trying to put on what I always thought of as her 'lets be reasonable' voice, "that's why we're here. I've felt like we've drifted apart, and I want to know if something is still here. Gary has been really supportive when you haven't been, and I...we...I don't know. I didn't think there was anything to save here, James, I truly didn't. If...if we can make it work still. I...I'm willing to try, ok? I'm sorry about what happened. We're here to be honest. This isn't me breaking up with you, its me trying...trying to make things right. If we can't, then... Look, just...just tell me what you want me to do."
This was a very Shanon way to do things. I would never have expected her to cheat, or to fall for another guy, but if she had, she would totally confess it and try to make everything ok again. Naturally, she would bring the other party because then we could all be honest with each other and 'clear the air' as she would put it. It would never occur to her that Gary might not be as honest as her or I might be so hurt as to not behave rationally. Or that this would make the hurt even worse. Fuck her for being so naive. A breakup text would have been better than this.
The sad thing was that I could believe that she would agree to never see Gary again. I could believe that she would do anything she could to earn my forgiveness. I could believe these things, but whatever trust I had in her was dead. And besides, she had hurt me. She had hurt me so fucking badly and I wanted her to hurt at least as much.
"What you can do," I said, calmly, looking her in the eyes, "is get out of my apartment. Forget my name, or my number, or that we were ever a couple. In fact don't even think of me. It makes me nauseous to think that I was looking forward to cooking for you and then making love with you tonight. How easily you took advantage of my trust. It must be hilarious to you that I was shopping for rings last week while you were fucking my best friend. I can't even imagine how stupid you must think me. So, please just get out and stop pretending you're here for anything but your stained conscience. You never fucking loved me, you just loved how I paid attention to you. Now you have someone who does that better, so it's time for you to move on."
Shanon turned completely pale and looked like I'd hit her. That probably would have been kinder. I was the aggrieved party here but every word I had said was chosen with the intent of causing maximum harm to her. If you know how someone thinks of themselves, and you know what they aspire to be, you can really cause a lot of emotional damage. She opened her mouth again. I didn't let her speak.
"Get out. Take your trash with you," I said, making the barest of nods towards Gary. He had a huge ego so I knew that being dismissive would bother him as much as anything would. He would probably forget about it tomorrow. I knew Shanon well enough to know that she would be crying over the things I said for months.
They stood up, and walked quickly to the door. They left, and she closed it so gently you could barely hear the click which signaled the end of my only serious adult relationship.
Yeah, so, maybe I was kind of a dick, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. It didn't make me happier, but it did fill me with a cold satisfaction. Later I'd wonder where this kind of thought came from, and I had to assume it was from my father.
The only other thing I could think of was that Kerry wouldn't have done this to me.
* *
I boxed up the few things Shanon had around my house and then put the box outside on the porch. I texted her and told her where she could get them. I told her not to bring her new boyfriend anywhere near my house, as I didn't trust him not to key my car or some other nonsense. Then I blocked her number and deleted her from my phone and social media. I was in a slash and burn kind of mood. I didn't want to be tempted to cross any old bridges so I demolished them.
I went to my home office. God I wished I had some liquor in the house. Shanon didn't like me to drink it because it made me depressed. Well, no alcohol had ever crushed my mood like she had today.
I wrote an email to my boss. She was always trying to get me to take time off, and I had a ton of vacation time built up. I told her that my personal life had collapsed so I'd like to leave the city for a bit, and go back home. I also asked if I could work remotely from there through the holidays. If she said no, that was fine, but I hadn't seen my mom in months, and I knew she was still mourning my dad.
I checked plane tickets but in the end just decided to drive. It would help me clear my head a bit before I got home.
I took a shower and tried not to think about the woman I loved sleeping with another man.
I went to bed, cried silently for a while, then slept like the dead. I knew that I was nose-diving into a new depression, but there wasn't really anything to be done.
* *
I called my mom and asked her if it was a good time for a long visit. Unsurprisingly, she agreed. I really did feel bad about not visiting enough, and with Shanon out of my life there was no real need to worry about leaving the city for a good long while.
It took me a good eight hours to drive home. Cider Tree, Population 10,383. Just on the middle class side of poor, formerly a self-contained town with jobs, now mostly a bedroom community for the city about an hour away. Lots of parks and a quaint little downtown. The local private college, while tiny, was also pretty good.
I thought I hadn't missed it. The last time I'd been here had been nearly a year prior when my dad had died, and I suppose it had been a bit of a blur. I'd made most of the arrangements, bought the coffin, all that awful stuff. By the time it was all over, the idea of spending another minute in that town made me sick. I loved my mother, but I was constantly busy with work and the town held a lot of conflicting memories for me. Rather than visit her I had invited her up to see me for a few weekends. That seemed to cheer her up, and I called her weekly, but really, it probably wasn't enough.
The funeral was also the last time that I'd seen Kerry. She had spoken with Shanon, and expressed her condolences to me and then hugged me. But she'd been pretty cold to me other than that, and left before I could speak with her further.
I don't know what was wrong
with me that led the women I loved to reject me, but I was pretty sure that I was done with dating for a while.
At the time it had been in the coldest part of winter. Now it was fall, of course. And fall in Cider Tree was nearly always gorgeous. I'd left early in the morning, so when I hit the city limits the late afternoon light was perfect and I was immediately struck by the oranges and reds of the trees. I rolled down my windows and let the cold air blow over me, smelling the leaves and a faint hint of smoke from people who were burning them in their backyards. I heard children yelling at each other and saw a couple, probably teens, sitting on a bench and making out but in a fairly pg-13 way.
And, naturally, with the sights and smells and sounds, memories took me.
Rather than drive straight home. I took a moment and parked in the nearly empty downtown district. It was after the main businesses closed but before the few restaurants and bars picked up for Friday night. I walked down past them, down to the park by the river. I stopped a moment, nostalgia taking hold.
Here it was. The bench, and just behind it...yes. The trees were there, still thick. From the outside it looked impenetrable, but if you were an adventurous child, you might try to crawl in and find a small empty space inside, maybe fifteen feet across, covered in soft grass and moss, well shaded in the summer. Then you could lead your best friend here and share it with her, this secret and magical place. If you did, then it would become your secret headquarters in the long summers.
It was even secluded enough that, if you were two teenagers in desperate, heedless love for each other, you might come here, to quietly make love and spoon in the evening, talking about futures that would never come to pass while learning how to pleasure one another. You still might dream of it to this day, waking up, raging hard and her scent alive in your memory.
I stood outside our grove, but I didn't go in. To go alone, now, as an adult felt like sacrilege to me. There were few places or people that I still found sacred, but this was one of them, and Kerry another.
