by Olga Menson
Of course, no pleasant memories could exist without unpleasant ones. I looked up to the bridge that ran over the thin strip of wooded parkland and the river itself. It was covered in corrosion, but strong, and I still felt a shudder of fear at it. I was always a sensitive child, but was fearless in the face of violence, or the threat of it. Heights, though? They got me. The floor of the bridge was basically a thick metal grate, and the pedestrian walkway, added much later, was much thinner. You could see straight through it to the river below, and it shook and trembled as you walked across it. The railing was just under waist height on me today, and even as a small child it seemed unsafe, low, as if you could just tumble over it and fall the fifty or more feet to the water, rocks, and death.
If it weren't for following Kerry, I'd never have crossed. If I was doing something for her, it seemed like I possessed an endless reserve of courage. Today, I decided to walk across, just to prove that I still could.
I got about halfway and then looked down, testing myself, perhaps foolishly. The walkway creaked and shuddered and whined in protest of this outrage of a person walking upon it. I saw the river through it, relatively low after a dry year, although still deep. It would fill back up with the fall rains and the spring thaws. For now, it ran slowly, its surface barely disturbed by motion.
My mind wandered. I saw myself going off the bridge. Not in a tumble, like an accident, but purposefully. I saw the river's water rushing up to meet me. I felt the cold shock of the water and then the impact of the landing on hidden rocks. In my imagination a strange and unsettling peace came over me. I came back to myself with a jolt.
I finished and walked back across the bridge. That was enough fear to face for one day.
Kerry and I had broken up on a day like this, but it wasn't like with me and Shanon. It was quiet and sad and we'd made love for the last time, long and slow, and then we'd gone back to our different colleges. For that matter, it was kind of a secret that we were even together, but that didn't make it ache less.
We'd kept in touch after that, always hanging out when both of us were in town. After we both were done with college, she'd even visit me regularly in the city and I would go see her on the east coast. Things changed when I started to see Shanon, though.
Kerry was still polite and answered emails, but it was all pretty formal, almost professional. This was a weird shift from the friendly girl who always had time to talk me or who called me any time she needed someone to listen or to share good news.
I don't know why her attitude changed. We hadn't been even slightly romantic or fooled around in years, not since she met and then married her husband, Bill. I thought that he was the wrong kind of guy for her but they both seemed happy and he was a decent person who loved her by all accounts, so I kept my opinion to myself. There was some jealousy there, but it was more of a nostaligic thing then something serious. She visited me in the city both with and without her husband with some regularity.
But, like I said, all that ended when I met Shanon. I guess we got serious with each other pretty quickly, finding kindred spirits and all that. What a joke that turned out to be.
I could lie to everyone else, but deep in my heart I knew that there was something wrong with me. Something that wasn't seen easily, but after being with me long enough, any woman became aware of. I mean, I had depression, but I stayed on top of my treatments and managed it well. I wondered if women sensed it somehow, saw that I was defective on the inside. It was weird. I never really had problems meeting or talking with women, or even too much difficulty finding a partner for sex. I wasn't ugly, and I could be funny. But commitment? I didn't fear it as some people did, but it always seemed to backfire on me, ending poorly, leaving me feel broken or worthless.
I guess maybe it was for the best that Shanon had cheated. She probably would have regretted it dearly if she had married me.
I was not really in a good place at that moment, and was fairly certain that I would not have any romantic success in my future. What should have really worried me at that moment, but didn't, was that the idea of dying alone was starting to feel like a certainty, and perhaps sooner rather than later.
* * *
Then - First Kiss
* * *
A lot of people can remember when they met their first love, but I can't. Not because she wasn't memorable. Far from it, I've always thought she was at least pretty. Instead it is because we grew up together. I think we really started playing with each other in kindergarten but we probably 'met' when we were toddlers at church. It's just that kind of small community.
So, from almost as far as I can remember up to when I left for college, she was my best friend. She was definitely a bit of a tomboy but I also didn't have a lot of hang ups about doing shit boys weren't supposed to do, like share emotions or talk about clothes. I just couldn't be bothered wondering if something was masculine or not. It helped that I'd always been a little bigger than most of my classmates. Bullies tended to shy away from you the first time you beat them up.
Kerry was tough and adventurous and never gave up. She was about a year older than I was but we ended up in the same year. Throughout our time together she kept her light brown hair short, either something like a bob or in a ponytail. She wore a ton of baseball hats because she didn't like spending any time on styling it and her mom wouldn't let her cut it any shorter.
Her mom was kind of something else, too. If Kerry was a tomboy growing up, then her mother was kind of the epitome of professional femininity. She worked in sales, not the small time local stuff, but as a traveling dealmaker for a paper and office supply company. She signed huge contracts and was pretty busy. Kerry didn't have a father.
To be more specific, Kerry's mom got pregnant, and since she never discussed the father, it was just assumed that it was the result of a one-night stand on the road somewhere. She always acted like Kerry was planned. The town's gossip mongers were pretty brutal, however. Even in the nineties you could still be considered "immoral" as a single mother in a small town.
Naturally this blew back on Kerry. I'm sure the bullies made her cry but she never showed it. For my part I wasn't all that big on fighting on my own behalf but I was more than willing to back her up on the few occasions that she threw down. Most of the time, she was beating up a mouthy girl who didn't expect trouble. Once or twice I may have thrown punches on her behalf when a boy tried to get on her case.
So we grew up together. Best friends. We watched the same cartoons, played Yu-Gi-Oh, beat each other up in fighting games, and generally were just kind of there for one another. It was just a friendship though, until high school. I think everyone, both of our mom's included, expected us to start dating once we hit puberty but we never did. This relieved her mother a great deal, who was very kind to me, but seemed to think that I was not a good romantic match for her girl. We each had our crushes, but on other people. It was a little weird for our various girl/boy friends at first, but it became clear to each of them in turn that we were, in fact, only friends.
Besides, I don't think I'd ever cheat, although I'd been tempted before. I know Kerry wouldn't. She'd had plenty of opportunities that I knew of, lots of handsome guys hit on her once she hit high school. When I asked if she was tempted, she just said, "Sure, but tempted to fuck isn't the same as fucking."
I should probably mention that she was (and still can be) as foul-mouthed as any ten sailors combined, but you just kind of got used to it. You have to understand that at this point in my life I almost never swore. It was something that Kerry teased me mercilessly about, but my mom would never have permitted it and it was easier to be on my best behavior all the time then risk her wrath. Dad was big and yeah he could be scary but I'd take him over an angry church mom any day of the week.
The first time I really noticed her romantically was when we were in middle school, in early spring. We were playing Street Fighter 3 (3rd Strike, of course) and I was beating her ass, as was typical. She dominated me in Mortal K
ombat, though.
Jesus Fucking Christ, are you ever going to stop picking Ryu or Ken?"
I picked Akuma just to mess with her.
"It's not my fault you suck with Makoto," I observed, and then smiled as I narrowly evaded a real arm punch from Kerry.
We played the match, and this time she lost really badly. I looked at her and could tell her heart wasn't in it.
"You want to do something else? I can go home if..."
It was technically my PS2 but it moved back and forth between our houses like we both owned it. She had it now because she wanted to play Resident Evil 4 now that I had beaten it.
She shook her head, and then was silent for about half a minute. I turned the PS2 off and lay back on the carpet in her living room. It was comfortable, like our silence. I knew that she was considering something that she wanted to talk to me about. She took her time and really thought things through. I thought faster maybe, but she had a lot of discipline and foresight for someone her age.
"You want to kiss?" she asked, suddenly.
My eyes shot open, and I turned my head, very slowly, to look at her. She laughed.
"Oh my god you should see your face right now."
"So...you were, what, messing with me?" I was pretty hung up about some things when I was growing up. One of them was being big and looming and girls not being interested in me because of that or my other perceived flaws. It wasn't necessarily true, but it bothered me, and she knew it.
"No! Geez, calm the fuck down...I just meant like...we're friends, right?"
"Right," I answered without hesitation.
"So, if like, I fucked up and wrecked your PS2 by dropping it or whatever, we'd still be friends, right?"
"...Right."
"Right. So I'm supposed to go on a date with this dude next week. I mostly agreed to piss my mom off but he's cute and I kind of want to kiss him."
She looked over at me now, kind of serious. Even in my youthful state I could tell that she was worried about my reaction. We had been best friends since forever, but we hadn't really dated yet, and maybe she thought I'd be jealous.
I wasn't. I was more envious that she had someone to make out with and, honestly, happy for her. She had told me recently that she was worried that she was too butch to be attractive, which was kind of ridiculous. Kerry was always beautiful, like her mother.
"Who is it?" I said, curious.
"Jeff Stevens...don't laugh!" she said, unnecessarily. Jeff was kind of a huge nerd but he was a decent guy as far as I knew, and it wasn't like he was hideous or anything.
"I'm not going to laugh. So...if you're dating him, why do you want to kiss me?"
"Practice. Hear me out. If I fuck this up he may not want to see me again, right? And every time I think about kissing him I get kind of fluttery and nervous and I know I'm going to bite his lip or something stupid and then...ugh. But if we kiss each other and we fuck up, who cares? You'll just make fun of me for being a shit kisser and then tell me what to do better. And I'll do the same for you. You're gonna be making out with some good little church girl soon enough."
I doubted that but as it turned out, she was right. She must have known that Judy, who went to my church, was into me. We were dating by the end of the summer. I ended up asking her out but only after I was assured by Kerry that it would go well.
"Hmm...I guess, if it's not gonna be weird afterwards. I don't want it to be weird."
"No...neither do I...so it won't be."
I didn't quite follow her logic but I was thinking about her lips now, and how soft they looked. She licked them then, nervously, and that only added to their appeal. I wasn't really interested in her as a girlfriend, per se, but I could always imagine she was someone else, like Ibuki from Street Fighter.
She scooted over to me next to me, and I sat up. She leaned in and closed her eyes, I did the same. Our lips touched and at first nothing happened. It was pretty much like we each expected the other to do something. It could have been super awkward. Instead, it was magical.
We both sort of relaxed at once and let ourselves do what came naturally. I pressed into her softness and she pushed back. When she pulled away a little I got the hint that I was being too eager and backed up and slowed down, which brought her back to me. When her tongue darted in my mouth I made a little noise in my throat, involuntarily, and she responded, realizing that it was a good idea. Her tongue explored my mouth and I put my hand to her face, very gently and she leaned into it. We got pretty heated pretty fast. After a few minutes of this, we broke off, breathing very heavily.
"Wow," she whispered, "you are not a bad kisser."
After that we transitioned smoothly to making each other friendship bracelets out of string her mom had bought for her. I made Kerry a blue-green pattern that reminded me of the sea, and she made me one that was red and brown, two of my favorite colors. Like autumn leaves. I still have it in my home office.
Kerry and I kissed a few more times before I went home. We both got a bit worked up, but after that day we didn't kiss for a long time and things returned to normal between us. Mostly.
She dated Jeff for a while and I became friends with him. When they broke up for the summer (he was going out of town and neither of them was interested in waiting), it was largely drama free.
Ironically, most of the time with Kerry was drama free. Just not the really important bits.
Later, during the summer I asked her what dating Jeff was like. I mostly asked out of curiosity. I kind of wondered what girls looked for in a date, having not had a 'real' one yet.
"It was fun. He was nice and laid back," she said and then added, after a moment, "but you are a way better kisser."
That still makes me happy.
* * *
Now - That Lovely Girl
* * *
I arrived home to my mom running out and hugging me as soon as I got out of the car. It was good to see her. She was pushing seventy now but she still stayed busy and moved around perfectly well. If I'd let her she would have tried to carry at least one of my bags in for me. It was just her way.
I got inside, got hugged again, then was poured the customary welcome-home cup of coffee. Now was the only part of being home I really dreaded. At least we got it out of the way early.
"Please don't take this the wrong way, but is Shanon all right with you being gone for so long? You know you're welcome to stay as long as you want, but..."
"We're not together any more, mom."
Mom knew how I felt about her. I think I'd even told her that I was considering proprosing. Her expression was heartbroken on my behalf.
"Oh my goodness. What happened?"
Of course she'd ask the question that she probably didn't want the answer to.
"She cheated on me, mom. She wanted to try again but...I just don't trust her any more."
"I can't believe it! Shanon, cheat on you?"
She sounded so surprised it was almost accusatory. I could almost hear her saying, 'James what did you do to that poor woman to drive her away?' Nothing mom, she just realized I had no value and decided to move on to my scumbag friend.
"Well, believe it," I said, a little more harshly than I meant, "I'm not making it up. It's been...it's been tough. I don't really want to talk about it but I just needed to get away and I thought coming home was a good idea."
"Of course! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just...you seemed so good together."
"We did," I agreed, "no one was more surprised than me. I just wish...well I wish she would have dumped me earlier. Or better yet, just told me she wasn't serious in the first place. Then we could have at least have ended up friends."
Mom looked a bit perplexed at that last part.
"Oh, honey. She was serious. I'm sure of it. I...I'm not defending her, and I think you were right to break up with her, but I'm sure that at one time she loved you."
I laughed, bitterly.
"Well, that makes one of us. Anyway, I don'
t want to talk about it right now. I've felt sorry for myself long enough. How's your church stuff going?"
I asked her a ton of questions about her life and got caught up on her and her friends. She was a one-woman force of nature for charities all over town and was a trustee at her church. Even before dad had retired, she'd found a thousand small ways to help her community and insisted that it was selfish because she felt great about giving her time and effort. I wasn't religious, but I respected all of the things that she did.
She brought me leftovers, having already eaten earlier, and some homemade pie, which was naturally delicious. After that I listened to her give me an update of everyone we both knew. One name was conspicuously absent. I didn't ask about Kerry though as it was likely that she was still living on the East Coast with her husband. I'd been thinking about reaching out to her again. Maybe she'd be ok with at least talking on the phone, now that Shanon and I had split. God it would be wonderful to have someone like her to talk to again. I wondered if she had a friend out there who'd taken my place. It was possible, she was very likable. I never found anyone remotely the same, leaving a hole in my life that never quite filled.
I broke out of my own stupor to ask the question that I should have when I first came home.
"How are you doing without dad?"
In some houses this would have been too forward or intrusive. I knew that she wouldn't talk about this aspect of her life without being asked, however. She'd feel like she was inflicting her sadness on me right after I'd lost Shanon. Really though, that was a big part of why I was home, to remind her that she still had family and that she wasn't alone.
She smiled, sadly and reached out for my hand. I took it.
"I'm...I don't know. He would still travel quite a bit, even after going into partial retirement, but the trips were shorter and I went along sometimes. We were spending a great deal of time together. It was real, quality time, too. I never really got a chance to tell you about it, but the last years between us had been wonderful. I miss him. I reach for him every morning when I wake up."
