Dubstep Succubus

by Aaron Siverling

  “Yep,” I said immediately. "Never better.”

  “Well, sir. It's just that… she seems to be having some sort of a fit. Are you sure she's not cursed? I'm here to help.”

  “Yes, sir. Everything is fine and we thank you for your diligence. Keep it up and in the future we will be able to say we knew a Private Hoe who became a famous General Hoe.”

  Cherish let out a sudden shriek and I lost my grip on her. She fell boneless to the ground, breathless hiccuping laughter coming out in dribs and drabs.

  I looked down at her and asked, “Cherish? Are you okay?”

  She rolled over onto her side and gasped for air for several seconds before she managed to shriek out something that sounded like, “Whaazza fuzza! Naazza fuuuuza! Haaaza!”

  I looked back up and said, “She's fine.”

  The Centaur stared at us for a long moment.

  Then Taren snorted, which made the other Elves start laughing too.

  I lost the battle as well, slowly sinking to my knees as the laughter stole all my strength. I hit the ground, right beside Cherish.

  The Centaur looked around in alarm but when he saw that we were the only ones affected and that all we were doing was laughing, he said, "Well… um, yes. I'll just beeee… goodbye."

  Then he hurried back to his post.

  It took some time, but we finally got ahold of ourselves. Aeria was kind enough to heal Cherish’s aching sides but she decided against doing the same for me.

  “It's all your fault," Cherish said. "You made this bed and you're going to lie in it.”

  “But it's so hard.” I whined up at her from the ground. "And dirty.”

  “Oh! That's reminds me,” She turned and hurried to where Private Hoe was standing.

  When he saw her coming he looked a little panicked, which is not the usual expression males get when they see Cherish walking towards them.

  She had a quick conversation with him that I was too far away to hear.

  While I waited for her, I asked the others what they had planned.

  They looked at each other, then turned back to me as Aeria said, “We need to find the rest of our Chain. Castiel is an Elf and Barsoon is a Dwarf so they should be here somewhere. Then it's off to grind experience.”

  It was the same plan everyone probably had. Including me.

  Cherish finished her conversation and when she got back, she took a firm grip on my arm.

  “I'm getting you some new clothes, come on.” She pulled me up by the arm and waved to the others. "It was nice meeting you all!”

  “Wait, clothes shopping? I hate clothes shopping, uh, I mean. We'll miss the meeting! We can't miss that. The Death Goddess will be angry with us! Taren! Aeria! Tahaniria! Help!"

  The Aegis… Aegisians? Whatever. They just smiled and waved at me! The traitors! After everything I did to them. Wait, I mean, after everything I did for them.

  "Wait!” I yelled. “I - uh, I didn't get to say goodbye!"

  "Goodbye!" they called back in unison.

  "Traitors!" I yelled back.

  Their only response was laughter.

  Cherish pulled me relentlessly through the crowd saying, “The meeting got pushed back a couple hours. They weren't expecting so many people to turn up and there was some other stuff the, um, the Private didn't didn't want to talk about. I know two hours isn't nearly enough time to pick out clothes - “

  “It isn't?”

  “ - but we will do what we can.”

  “I barely have any money! I'm dirt poor!”

  “I'm paying.”

  “No,” I said very firmly as she dragged me along. "I am a man. A manly man who doesn't take charity and I will man up - “

  “Didn't you say you hated that expression ‘Man up.’ You said it was sexist.”

  “A masculine manly man with a prickly pride and macheesmo oozing out of my every orifice.”

  “Eew.”

  “I will not be a charity case! I… I…”

  I was doing everything I could to distract her when I was distracted by the smell of food.

  Mobile food stalls like medieval food trucks were set up everywhere. The smell of food, real food, had been making my mouth water since I got my first whiff of it and I had done my best to ignore it. The press of people and the myriad scents had helped.

  Then, through the mass of scents I caught a hint of, “PIZZA!”

  I jerked out of her grip so fast she fell forward and hit the ground with a sound that was halfway between a squeak and a squawk and a high pitched "werp?"

  I barely noticed as I bolted towards the most holy of scents. The ambrosia of teenhood. The signature cultural dish of Subadults everywhere.

  I spotted the source of the smell, a quaint little restaurant, and skidded to a stop just before I crashed through the front window.

  I hadn't completely checked my momentum and came to a sudden halt with a thump. My cheek squished against the glass, hands against the window to either side of my face.

  I froze, staring down at the couple, who had been eating but now sat frozen, staring back at me. The male had his slice halfway to his mouth and the female had a string of cheese stretching from her mouth to her own slice.

  Time seemed to stand still for several seconds until Cherish grabbed the back of my shirt and dragged me away from the window

  I stumbled back, whirled around to face her and grabbed her head in my hands. I pressed my face so close to hers our noses eskimo kissed as I fervently whisper screamed, “They… Hhhhave… Pizzaaaa.”

  “Yes.” I didn't see but heard the smirk in her voice. "I am aware. However this is a specialty restaurant and it costs about twenty five coppers for a whole pizza.”

  I opened my mouth but before I could ask she gently pushed my face back and said, “And no. They don't sell by the slice.”

  “Buy me some!” I yelled in her face. "Buy me some! Now! Please! Please! I will do anything you ask. Anything.”

  She smiled serenely. "But I thought you had your pride as a man.”

  “Forget pride! This is pizza we're talking about!” I dropped to my knees, laced my fingers together and raised them in supplication. "Pleeeease?"

  She pretended to think about it. I knew she was pretending. I could feel it from her.

  I stood up and gave her my most malevolent, most terrifying, most threatening expression. Ignoring the resorting giggle that caused her, I leaned in close. "Don't make me hangry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hangry."

  She put her palm over my face and shoved me backwards. "Alright! I will allow one pizza and fifteen minutes in which to eat it. With the condition that we go clothes shopping right after.”

  “Deal!”

  I ran into the restaurant, ran back out, grabbed Cherish by the hand and dragged her in after me.

  They had a variety of toppings but we settled with classic pepperoni. Unfortunately they were limited in their variety of soda. No cherry, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, bubblegum, spicy or any other flavors. They had plain carbonated sodas, so that was what we got.

  As we ate and drank the natives stared at us. Not just because I was crying actual tears from my first taste of pizza in forever or because Cherish kept moaning with pleasure.

  Well, not just because of that. At first we ate and drank slowly, savoring each bite and every sip.

  Eventually we calmed down and stopped acting like pizza was divine ambrosia for teenage gods.

  Even though it was.

  "Mmm, nothing better than pepper… roni…" I trailed off and squinted down at my pizza. My squinting eyes went wide with horror. "Oh. Oh gods… this...this is pepperoni!"

  I looked up to see Cherish smirking at me. Which meant she obviously didn't get it. I put the pizza down, feeling ill.

  "Cherish… this used to be an animal."

  To my surprise she burst out laughing.

  I gazed back, bewildered.

  "Sorry! I'm sorry!" She said between laughs. "It's just… you sounded so�
� so..."

  "Stricken?" I asked with the accompanying emotion.

  She stopped laughing and looked embarrassed, her remorse drifting through my thoughts.

  "Sorry One. I probably would have felt the same if I didn't know the truth."

  I frowned. "What truth?"

  "You remember tentacle burgers in Midian?"

  I gave her a little grin despite my distress. "I remember taking one to the Arena for the first time. Then eating it in front of a few Aegis Elves while in a safe zone."

  She grinned back. "Was the burger staked or unstaked?"

  "Oh, unstaked. Definitely. That burger screamed and it's tentacles flailed at every bite."

  We both snicked. Then I thought about her question.

  "Are you saying that this 'pepperoni' is like Midians food. All plants, even the food that tastes and occasionally acts like meat?"

  She nodded and pulled off a single pepperoni, holding it to my mouth. I hesitantly bit into it, pulled it from her fingers and chewed thoughtfully.

  It did taste like pepperoni but slightly different. Not that I ever had a real pepperoni. Almost everyone gets their meat from Pro-Life farms. It's a lot healthier, safer, humane and cost efficient to harvest donation tissue from an animal and grow it in a sterilized vat system.

  I mean, they say it tastes exactly the same. And any bacon I've ever eaten was vat grown and bacon is amazing.

  I don't think I could ever enjoy bacon knowing an animal had to be killed, mutilated and chopped up just so I could eat it.

  "Well?" Cherish asked.

  Still chewing slowly I said, "It, maybe tastes a little sweeter than usual but, maybe that's my imagination. It's been a while."

  "Hmmm, they actually call these pepper fruit slices. I guess this meat grows on trees?"

  For some reason that struck me as funny and I started laughing again, Cherish joined in after a few seconds.

  The other customers still watched us even though all we were doing was chatting and eating. At least they stopped openly staring and just gave us furtive glances.

  Our conversation ranged between the verbal and the mental. Mostly so we could talk while still stuffing our faces but also, so anyone listening to us was bound to be confused. It was a habit we had back in Midian where information was another form of currency.

  "You know, I think that instead of buying clothes, and I'm totally not backing out of that by the way, but instead I think our priority should be buying spells."

  Cherish stopped eating and said, "Ruin. We can't buy spells. At least not here."

  I stopped, a slice of pizza halfway to my mouth and said, "What?"

  She didn't just stop eating, she actually put her pizza down. I knew then that she was serious.

  "Ruin, I checked. I asked around. Spells are rare and there are only two ways to get them. One is to find or commission a spell book. They are hideously expensive and difficult to make. The cheaper and easier way to learn is to contract with someone to teach you. And from what people have said, they will charge you, not only through the nose, but through every other orifice they can reach."

  I wrinkled my nose. "Ew."

  She tilted her head to the side, considering. "I'd teach you Charm but…"

  I smiled and started eating again. "I don't think I'd be very good at it, now if you reach me something like Enrage… wait. I can teach you a few spells! I have Force Spike and Bounce."

  When I explained what they did she chewed thoughtfully as she said, "No, Focus Spike is too close and personal for me. Bounce? Maybe, but I think I would be more effective if I concentrated on my Siren skills. Spending time on spells or skills that doesn’t fit my build will just impair my progression."

  I thought about that for a moment and had to agree. Spells and skills came so easily in Midian that it was better to learn them just in case you might need them.

  Here though, leveling up was difficult, time consuming and expensive.

  "There are still single use spell scrolls but they cost money to make and the enchanter needs to know the spell in order to make it." She resumed eating. "Items that cast spells like wands or blasting rods have multiple charges of the same spell but you need the basic enchanting skill to charge them."

  I thought about carrying a bag stuffed with wands. A wand for levitation, a wand for lock picking, a wand for setting people's feet on fire.

  Could I hold a wand in each hand? No! That was ridiculous! I could hold three wands in each hand!

  My brain immediately launched into plans to make a pair of gloves with spring loaded sheaths in the forearms.

  In my mind I was surrounded by enemies, a camera spun around me, showing off my cool unconcern from every angle. Then, I crouched down in a fighting stance, hands fisted and crossed over my chest as I said, "Let's dance, bub," and then, three wands would spring out from each glove.

  The manic cackling that erupted from me as I stared at my upraised hands seemed to unnerve the other customers.

  I felt Cherish press deeper into my mind and snort at what she found there. "Sorry sweety. That wouldn't work."

  My cackle cut off and I blinked at her. "Wait what? Why?"

  She explained that charged items used the wielders own magic, as well as the items invested power, to cast the spell.

  I gazed forlornly at my still raised hands and lowered them dejectedly.

  Then I perked up as another thought occurred to me.

  "That won't work either," Cherish said, apparently still reading my mind. "One shot spells like scrolls also use some of your own magic to work. The more powerful the spell, the more of your magic it takes."

  The pleasant little day dream of standing atop a hill in black mage robes, laughing evilly as I energetically ripped page after page from a book made of spell scrolls that rained devastation down upon my enemies, crumbled and died.

  "Welp, I'm sad now."

  "Stop whining and eat your pizza."

  "Ooh! Pizza!"

  “Also, I don’t think you rip scrolls to release their spells here like we do in Midian.”

  “Oh. So that means I should actually ask how to use one before, um, using it?”

  Cherish reached over and ruffled my hair. “Look at that! Thinking ahead! You can learn!”

  After that the conversation turned to other things.

  “Wait, so gold isn't really gold?” I asked.

  “It's sort of a fiat type of money. Except it does have some intrinsic value, just not as much. Silver and gold are mixed with something else to make the coins more sturdy, but the actual gold and silver contained in the coins is less valuable than the coin itself.”

  “I guess that makes things simpler.”

  Cherish nodded. "A copper is equivalent to an American dollar. Ten coppers is a silver and ten silvers is a gold. There are also some full silver and gold coins around but those are mostly found in ruins.”

  I tried to keep her talking but she was too smart for that.

  I know because she told me so.

  “I'm too smart for that.” She smirked.

  “For what?”

  “I can feel your emotions. I know what you’re doing.”

  “Really? You don't say?” I propped my chin up, elbows on the table and gazed at her with my full and complete attention. "Please, tell me more…”

  “Ruin!” She stood up, her gaze stern. "Person up and be a man. It's time to go clothes shopping.”

  "Oh yeah? Well you person up and be a women by… hold on. I'm thinking. Just give me a minute. Or an hour. Or two."

  She ignored me and pulled me up, forcibly turned me around and pushed me out the door. She kept pushing me down the street, a firm grip on my shoulders.

  “Come on! This is embarrassing!” I protested.

  “Tough noogies.” she said. “And stop whining.”

  “I'm not whiiiniiing…” I whined.

  “I don't trust you.”

  “Oh come on! You can trust me. I'm completely trustworthy. Scouts ho
nor!”

  “You? You were a scout?”

  “I was a cub scout until I got kicked out,” I said defensively.

  “What? How do you get kicked out of cub scouts?”

  “Nothing! I did nothing! Absolutely nothing and it was an accident. A complete and utter accident which I had nothing to do with that he deserved anyway.”

  Her disbelief rang in my mind loud and clear.

  “I mean, okay, yes. So maybe I did, you know, allegedly, set a scoutmaster on fire. But he deserved it! Do you know what he tried to get me to do? Arts and crafts! I didn't join the scouts to learn arts and crafts! I wanted to learn how to live off the land and start campfires with sticks! Not arts and crafts! He's lucky all I did was set him on fire. Uh, allegedly.”

  “What else did he do?”

  I was silent for a few seconds before saying, “Bullied one of the girls I liked until she quit and switched to girl scouts.”

  “Ah.” Then she asked, “He burnt bad?”

  “He only got second degree burns on his right leg. But he quit after that so…”

  “Mission accomplished.” I finished mentally.

  She didn't let go or stop pushing but she jumped up and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

  When we were in sight of a shop with ”Callies Clothes” carved over the door she let go and gave me a push forward.

  I sighed but kept going until I was in front of the door. I had just resigned myself to two hours of clothes shopping (which roughly translates into 5.8 hours Guy Time) when the door to the shop opened to reveal a woman blocking the entrance.

  “MURDERER!” She screamed in my face. Then she jabbed a finger at my nose and I went cross eyed looking at it. "MURDERER! THE FALLEN HAS MURDERED MY NEIGHBOR! STOP HIM! STOP HIM! GUARDS! GUARDS!”

  Chapter Fourteen: The Innocent Neighbor Caper.

  When I smelled blood from the open doorway I closed my eyes and thought to myself, Why me? Am I entertainment for the Gods or something?

  I opened them again and looked over my shoulder in the vain hope that she pointing at someone else. But all I saw was a crowd of people staring back at me.

  I looked back to the woman and took a step to the right, then to the left. Her finger followed my moments as she continued to yell for the city guards.