A Fairy Tale of New York

by J. P. Donleavy

  "Does it matter."

  "That's up to you. I'm only trying to help. Just testing your qualifications. Want to know the sort of work you're best suited for. Where your interests truly lie. We're an outfit you know, where, when it's expedient, we take off our jackets, you understand me and roll up our sleeves. And being a courier executive would allow your capabilities to rise to the surface. You see what I mean."

  "To be frank, I 've been, well, I 'm experienced.''

  "O k. But frank with the facts, Christian. How were you used."

  "They used me, I guess as a sort of representative, as you might say. A specialist in human relations. As I've said I could count myself as a former student of human nature.''

  "Yes I know you've said that three times now. You were in public relations then."

  "Well yes sort of I guess. I wasn't too clear at the time because I had a lot of things on my mind."

  "What firm was this."

  "As a matter of fact.''

  ''That's right, the facts Christian.''

  ''It was a man called Vine. I guess incorporated.''

  "How's that boy."

  "Vine."

  ''What's his product. Briefly.''

  "Death."

  "How's that boy."

  "Death."

  "What."

  "What I 'm telling you, death. One word.''

  "You mean he rubbed people out.''

  "No he buried them."

  "You mean an undertaker.''

  "Since we're down to one word, yes, an undertaker. Mr Vine said I excelled in that professional capacity."

  "Well you know, god help me Christian, I honestly don't know what to make of you. Here's an ashtray for your cigar. Get that chair over there and sit down. It's not been in my experience previous to this to consider anybody in the light or forgive me, darkness of these circumstances. How long did you undertake."

  "I undertook for, well, not long. I'm begging for a chance to prove myself Mr How. Just one chance.''

  "Easy. Take it easy. Just got to think. What an interview. I am deeply involved in this disorientation. Just let me ask you one question will you. Wait, excuse me a second. Miss Kelly, would you please play over to me the background music we've chosen for Friday's conference for our Chicago representatives."

  The light efficient female voice, yes Mr How. The strains of soft violins. The saddened considerate face of How leaning forward.

  "Cornelius. Now look, tell me, were you looking for this undertaking job. Don't have to answer that if you don't want.''

  ''Someone close to me died.''

  "Sorry to hear that. By the way, you like this music,''

  "It's nice."

  "Soothes, doesn't it. Guess it's been one of the most successful innovations Mr Mott introduced into business practice, almost like the invention of the wheel. But come on Cornelius cheer up. Only thing is we got a problem here. Your job in the funeral parlor business is not going to cut much ice with Mr Mott, in fact the mere mention of it will throw a distinct chill into him. But I'll tell you something before we go any further. You know, I like you, I think you 're ok."

  "Thanks."

  "Most of the people sent along to me with pull with Mr Mott aren't worth their weight in paper, strictly between us, you understand. You strike me as a guy with imagination. I'm going to give you a chance. If I assign you to our idea department do you suppose you could get some ideas. It'd be a trial, you understand."

  "Ideas about what.''

  "Come on Cornelius, what am I letting myself in for. Quick. Ideas. We make spark plugs. Mr Mott loves the use of words. Think of something quick.''

  ''My mind's a blank at the moment."

  How reaching forward in this emergency to press down a switch on his desk intercom.

  "Miss Kelly give us something faster, for a fast idea session of approximately forty five seconds starting ten seconds from now."

  Miss Kelly's routine voice. Coming she says ten seconds from now. Feel like I've got to come too. With my prick on a guillotine. An orgasm in eight seconds or else they lop it off.

  "Gee Mr How I'm worried. My whole sex life, sorry I mean my life, depends upon what I might say.''

  "Wouldn't put it quite like that. Think. One sentence. One idea, a rhyme, anything, don't care what it is, so long as it underlines an inescapable fact."

  "But all my facts have escaped.''

  "Go go boy."

  "I can't go anywhere Mr How, I swear it. The facts have escaped."

  "Go after them boy, listen to that music, I know you can do it. Think of something to do with a spark plug. Think of the money. Money boy. Think of the money.''

  "I am. Wait. If you've got a heart, you've got a spark that could be a heart by Mott.''

  "O boy o boy kiddo. Did you do it.''

  "Mr How when you said money, those words just came pouring into my mind.''

  "Don't be ashamed of that boy. Tell Miss Kelly. Miss Kelly, good, it did the trick, neat selection, make a note of it."

  "Yes Mr How."

  "And make a note, we've got a new man"for our idea department starting right away.''

  "Yes indeed Mr How."

  "Hey boy. Hey there."

  Christian slumped in peaceful misery. How holding his glad hand out across the desk.

  "You're in boy."

  "Mean I'm hired."

  "Of course."

  "Just like that."

  "Well isn't it too quick. Isn't there something more. Can't I fill something out. I just don't feel it's me.''

  "Cornelius I think you've got what it takes. Yes. If you've got a heart, you've got a spark that could be a heart by Mott. Here, gee, have another drink of water. Yes. Ingenuity."

  "Makes industry."

  ''Miss Kelly, can you hear what's happening in here.''

  ''Yes I can Mr How it's wonderful.''

  "Well get it down."

  "Got it Mr How."

  "Flash those two things to Mr Mott. He's got to hear about this right away. Ingenuity makes industry. A follow up to Mr Mott 's favourite word.''

  "But Mr How this is awful, I mean I feel overrated. Just a few words."

  How leaning back in his swivel chair. Raising his grey sleeved arm to slowly bring down a pointed finger at this applicant suffering the misery of his modesty.

  "We find a guy, Cornelius with words like that coming out of his head, we buy that head."

  ''Mr How I think I 'd rather be a messenger boy.''

  "Miss Kelly I want you to shout back just what you think of Christian's word formations.'J

  "They 're really impressive."

  "Now boy, hear that.''

  "But Mr How I'll tell you the truth, no maybe I better not. But I don't know a thing about spark plugs or industry. Except that there's money in it somewhere.''

  "Isn't that enough boy. Money is the moment of truth. Don't sadden my life Cornelius. I want you to run with the ball. I mean how do I know sitting here that you're not some kind of god damn genius or something.''

  "I 'm only just a reasonably normal person."

  "You 're not normal boy. I know it."

  "I beg your pardon.''

  "O wait. Hold it. Whoa. Let's again reconstruct this relationship here. Miss Kelly would you see that Cornelius and myself are left undisturbed for a few minutes and stop all calls.''

  "Certainly Mr How, anything for background music.''

  ''Not for the moment thanks.''

  How standing. Shaking his brown curly head back and forth as he comes out from behind his desk. Paces to the window. The wind hums. Christian standing, loosening limbs. Throwing a left and right hook behind How's back. A white excursion boat heading up the river. As How turns to raise a pointing finger at Christian.

  "Cornelius I'm going to give it to you straight. Do you like to win."

  "I guess so."

  "Answer me yes or no.''

  "I guess yes."

  "I'm going to risk my life. You know why. Because I like you.
When you first came in here I just thought you were another snooty sophisticate out of the ivy leaves. But you know, you've got a real quality in you. Which goes deeper than a shirt and tie."

  "My job in the funeral parlor I suppose. But it was the only job I could get when I first got back from Europe.''

  "That's what I want to talk about. It's Europe. That's the thing's given you this quality too. A sort of thing that's real. Breeding. But look. I've got absolute faith in you. You could dazzle this industry."

  "Mr How thanks but I think you're making a mistake. I'm not like that at all. That's just the way I appear. Some of the things I really think and believe would revolt you. I'm almost a criminal type."

  "What a remark. You're just full of ideas boy. Why you're not more of a criminal than I am. I mean we're alike. But look. I'm maybe ten years older than you. Got wife, kids, nice home out on Long Island. The real things. Sure I've got some gripes. But I'll tell you something. See those binoculars. Want you to look out there. You see any barges going past the Statue of Liberty. Got it. Now a little to the left."

  "Yes."

  ''See those barges.''

  "I think so."

  "That's refuse. Happens every day, all day. Come down the Hudson and out of the East River, filled with stuff that's no more use. They dump it. Christian it's made an awful impression on me. See, dumped. Maybe not in a river, but you know what I mean."

  Christian wandering around the side of How's desk. Tests the swivel quality of the chair with a little push of the finger. The seat turns. Christian plops down and splays out feet.

  "Mr How I 've lost my ambition."

  "Boy, don't ever say a thing like that. Not good for you to say and it's not good for me to hear. And I 've heard an earful.''

  Stiff crease down How's trousers. A thin blue line in the grey. Gold buckle on the side of his shoe. As he stands center carpet. Just where I was standing when I came in. To face facts. More foolish than fiction. To get big insights. To give moments of lucidity. During which we could start shooting each other.

  "Cornelius I want you to call me Howard. And as a personal favor I'm asking you right now to take this job. I know everything's going to click. Do it for me. You know, I've got to laugh, here I am begging you to work for us and ten minutes ago I was wondering how I was politely going to discourage you."

  "Dump."

  "Well yeah, but no."

  Slight drooping of flesh on How's face. Doggish injured eyes. As Miss Kelly's voice comes over the ether.

  "Excuse me for interrupting Mr How but Mr Mott wants you to come up to his private reception room right away."

  "Thanks Miss Kelly. There you are boy. What did I tell you. Now I'm asking you right now, please. Just let your personality come out as it's done with me. Just be yourself. Only don't give any hint of your past employment. Mr Mott's toleration for the suppression of facts is nil but to me, it's worth the risk. Just go in with the trace of a smile, that's all I'm asking. But don't look like that."

  "I 'm o k Mr How. My memory's just working."

  "That's o k boy, which of us doesn't have a sadness once in awhile. But let's radiate the creative confidence. Anyway just say that thing once more.''

  "You mean about industry."

  ''Please. With conviction.''

  "I think I've got something better. Ingenuity made Mott, Mott makes industry.''

  "Cornelius, just what I said remember. How do I know I'm not sitting here with a genius.''

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  19

  How leading the way from the elevator. His natty heels clicking along the corridor. Christian in step behind. Into this great white domed amphitheatre. Voices echoing against the circular walls. Light flooding from corners and up through the frosted glass floor. In front of a massive white curtain Mr Mott seated on a gilt throne facing two spidery black chairs. Feel a big cavity between my two front teeth. As Mott's voice erupts.

  ''Howard you saw what I didn 't see, at first sight that is.''

  "It was nothing Steve. Miss Kelly selected the background music."

  "Sit over there Christian. Well let's hear all these nice things."

  "Steve he's got something even better, didn't want to flash it"

  "Give us a flash now Christian.''

  ''Ingenuity made Mott, Mott makes industry.''

  "Very happy. Very happy indeed. Let's have that once more with lung. Lots of lung.''

  ''Ingenuity made Mott, Mott makes industry."

  "Not bad. It's good. Youth refreshes. Of course you don't expect to be paid much for that.''

  "No Mr Mott but I think it's good.''

  "O it's good. Youth refreshes. Well you're not kidding us son I can see that."

  How leaning forward from his chair. Mott rocking his black gleaming shoes in the fluffy white rug at his feet. How tugging out a measure of shirt cuff, elbows on knees.

  "He 'snot Steve."

  "No Howard, he's not kidding us. Now at the risk of sounding too full of myself, which I do not want to sound. On the other hand I'd like to sketch in my general attitude. Towards the way I personally tackle things. Don't get the idea that I think of myself as a king or anything. But I like to acquire the evidences of man's creative impulse from the outside of my own orbit. But sadly, not many are blessed with the creative impulse but of course there's the repulsive creative impulse too. We won't go into that. But brains are the cheapest thing money can buy. Even so, we need them once in awhile, and if there are bright brains at the right price, I buy. And I don't care what kind of head you got the brains in. Don't get nervous, your head's all right Christian. But a head, black, white, square, ten feet high or like a ping pong ball is all right so long as it works. But don't let me sound like a king. So I think you have a future, Christian. Now what about the past.''

  ''Steve I 've been through his past with him.''

  ''Once more fast won't hurt, Howard.''

  "Thought we could get around to it later. Past's fine.''

  "I'm interested. At the party back there that night Christian, you had a lot of pretty pertinent things to say with maybe a few impertinent. What has a smart kid like you been working at.''

  "Steve."

  ''Howard will you give the boy a chance.''

  "Steve do you think with the pressure of time, that we should discuss this now."

  "It has always been my habit Howard, to discuss things now. Because after now might be the hereafter. You get me. Christian 's been out of college a while.''

  "But Christian here is a peculiar case.''

  "Why."

  ''I think his creative qualities are rare.''

  "That so."

  "Well you heard him yourself Steve, a natural alacrity with words."

  ''Howard I 'm going to press the button for the curtains."

  "Yes Steve."

  "I don't usually show people this. But I want you Howard to look out there. You see any barges going past the Statue of Liberty. Know what they are/'

  "I think I do Steve."

  "Well it's a private little object lesson of mine."

  ''I understand completely Steve.''

  "Here today Howard and gone tomorrow.''

  ''I completely understand Steve.''

  "So now that nobody is misunderstood let's hear about your past career, Christian. Not that I'm buying your past, just the future. Nevertheless past gives indication of future."

  "Mr Mott I was employed as a star receptionist for Vine Incorporated. A funeral parlor."

  "Howard."

  "Yes Steve."

  ''Howard I 'm talking to you.''

  "I know Steve."

  "What about this."

  "Mr Mott I was expelled from school for lying and cheating. Didn't get my degree from college. And since I've been performing a job in which I conducted the arrangements for those finding their final resting place. And nothing unseemly, except maybe once, ever marred the p
roceedings.''

  "Steve, it was in the nature of human relations. Of which Christian here is a serious student.''

  "I've got my own eyes and ears Howard. There are all kinds of relations. All kinds of students too. But let me utter three things. Life is for the living. A dime is a dime. And last and the most, a dollar is a dollar. I am not being vulgar mentioning money. I change my shirt three times a day. Like people they get soiled. I also yesterday was on a plane from Washington when the steward asks me was I any relation to the Motts who had a mausoleum at Throggs Neck, when I said yes he tells me his father takes care of it. This is the curiosity of life. But young Christian here tells me he's a liar and a cheat, degreeless and can smoothly conduct people to their final resting place. Run the Mott empire like a morgue. Now just what exactly do you take me for. Why weren't the facts laid bare in the first instance.''

  ''Don't let facts fool you Steve."

  ''Don't you be too hasty Howard.''

  "I feel most recent facts take precedence over previous.''

  "I am of the opinion Howard, not wanting to be a king about it, that past facts forecast future facts."

  ''You 're wrong Steve.''

  ''Come again Howard."

  "You're not exactly right in judging personalities."

  Christian standing. Let the mouth gape somewhat ajar, make it easy for the titans to see I'm alarmed by their communication gap. Into which I have dropped one galling gaff after another.

  "I think I'd better go."

  Mott raising his emperor's arm.

  "Stay Christian, we 'll have this out.''

  "But Mr Mott I didn't think I'd be coming between two people. Breaking up a friendship."

  Mott's small chuckle. Howard's faint smile. And Christian's wide eyed enquiring innocence.

  "I know this is a business empire but aren't you two people friends."

  "You have a habit Christian of asking a lot of direct questions."

  "Well Mr Mott in the fact finding maybe I ought to find some that'sail."

  "Please Steve, Christian just wants to communicate. He really wants to contribute.''

  "Ok Christian before you communicate and contribute, sit down. You don't sound like a liar and a cheat. I just would like to know what the score is on you. I don't want to be rude or hurt your feelings. But you know underneath this gentle innocent exterior of yours you seem to throw your weight about. In fact I distinctly feel I'm being pushed. That little remark about friendship and coming between two people. Yeah. And that night at my son's party. You remember my spot. And I remember something said about my house. A palace of vulgarity. Don't look innocent. And don't think I planned this either, getting you up here with Mr How to give you a working over. I was impressed but don't think you can push us all over."